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SeymourDuncan17's blog

6:13 PM on 06.07.2015

♪ Everyday is great at your Junes! ♪ (June 7th)

[During the month of June, everyday is Persona 4 appreciation day! Come see for yourself, and get in touch with this latest series of blogs!]

Dangnabbit. Just when you think you've hit the last floor, another pops up. I'm sweatin' my ass off, here! Who the hell can even afford to keep a bathhouse this size up and running? Where's the practicality in making it over 10 stories high?! Someone, clearly, was ambitious. Though, why set your ambitions towards a freaking sauna?

Why not a hospital with a 36-inch HD television and Macbook in every room? Or an apartment complex with soundproofed walls pre-installed? Or maybe just the greatest ever slushie stand? 

Kanji's bathhouse was so darned stuffy that I had to pace myself. I got it down to the wire, even. Just a couple days before he would have been killed, I snatched him up from his doppleganger boyfriend and now we love eachother. I'd say a congratulatory orgy is in order. 

But, let's not be hasty. Before all that, I did some stuff. Like, hang out with Marie again. Because Nekro said that I really really should.

I wonder if she'll have a Shadow self of her quelled "nostalgia" at the tail end of her supposed dungeon, and then cue the exposition spout. All the while, she's probably one of the more interesting Social Links. That and that fox that always goes *yip*. 

I've started saying that around the house every now and again. *yip*

Am I gonna have to take this into the Velvet Room? First Yosuke, now you? Well, at least you're not trying to hit on her. 


You are... just adorable. 

Social Links are, more and more, becoming my center of attention. What seem like such essential Personas are beginning to branch out into all sorts of Arcanas and I'm starting to get really interested in what their skill trees are like. I have a few fusions lined up just for a skill they won't even have until they level up, so why not take it a step further?

This, of course, means more careful time management. Feeling around for which Persona is most relevant, grinding out the Social Link while making sure not to neglect other activities, then fusing the Persona before anything especially dy-no-myte happens within the game's many dungeon floors. Right now, my focus is on my daycare job and it's Temperance Social Link for Nigi Mitama's Diarama and Recarm skills. It's about time I upgraded that puny old Dia. 

I figured I'd find the Death Arcana lying with Adachi's Social Link because, well, let's just say that while I don't know all that happens with Persona 4's story, I know some vague details. Mostly pertaining to Adachi, and he has not been exactly subtle about them even given what little I know. 

I see what you did there. 

I think his Social Link is one of the new ones for Golden, so maybe he wasn't quite as prevalant in the original release. But, in Golden, there's something incontestably awry about his pressence. 

I reeeeeeeeeeeeeally see what you did there. 

You know the old "hiding in plain sight" schtick? Yeah. That isn't always not obvious. In fact, you've been doing a really poor job of it, Adachi.

Despite your detective moniker, there's no escaping the feeling of being watched and during times when it can't just be a coincidence. You stalk Junes immediately after we start wrecking shit inside the TV, you appear at night immediately after we rescue Kanji, and there are only so many times you can be all "WHOOPS DID I JUST SAY THAT OUT LOUD?" before you start becoming completely and utterly suspicious. And with that, you only recently joined the local police force. 

Maybe you're actually an alright guy with a dark sense of humor and a nose for trouble, but I'll eat my shoe if I'm wrong about this. 

The man, the myth, the legend.

Let's start jumping back into the heart of the matter: Kanji needs a hero. I may not have a cape or tight spandex, but I do have Groucho Marx glasses and an A-Team of Personas to back me up. 

Like last time, I did a lot of fusing and made exasperating use of the Compedium. Not only is it demanding, but it's becoming rather expensive. I'm starting to feel really guilty that the only reason I sometimes go into work is for the pay. If these were real jobs, I'd have to be lying about what I was doing with the money and that's rude. "Don't go spending it all in one place!", they say. 

If you wanna keep rubbing down glasses and dressing up like an out-of-commision prostitute, that's exactly what I'm gonna have to do. 

My light in the darkness. 

My little mutagen.

My miniature mommy.

My ace in the hole.

My bruting mascot.

My strength. 

My defense. 

All prepared, I took on the last couple floors of the bathhouse dungeon and finally met up with what was easily the best boss fight thus far. 

Both thematically and contextually, it was superb. Though, I admit, part of this is not only from a biased love of Troy Baker but also a very, um... personal bias. 

Before I say anything else: I am not what you'd call a "sexist". I see men and women as equals and think no less of either sex than I do of the other. With that said, Kanji's Shadow self spoke to me in an almost downright disturbing way. It perturbed me that much of what he had to say I have actually felt at one point or another.

During high school, I was never the "man" I needed to be in order to stand up to bullies, break normality, or even keep a steady relationship. Most incriminating, I was extremely sensitive. I cried veeeeeery easily. I have vivid recollections of moments where my peers poked fun at me for what they probably felt was a lack of fortitude and what's sad is that, if I were a female, I most likely would have been left alone.

The moment where all this clicked for me was when Shadow Kanji said:

"Men are much better."

I jokingly used this term in my last blog, but that was most definitely an honest-to-goodness trigger. The manner in which it was spoke was a big factor as it was not only passionate but very antagonistic. 

It's not that I was even ridiculed by women. In fact, it was mostly men. Despite, being rejected from what little significant relations I've had with women, being (or at least feeling) alone a lot of the time, and growing up finally coming into what would become an acceptance of my bisexuality, my brain was sometimes in a spin. Shadow Kanji was like a manifestation of one of my many lingering thoughts during that time and it was... definitely something else. 

As far as how the actual fight went, did you notice how his Poison attacks always only hit the males and that his Rage attacks always only hit the females? I thought that was a cute little touch. Between that and the Nice Guy/Tough Guy backup, it felt very rounded out and it was very entertaining. 

... but, man. It wasn't the fight that was most intense. 

I would have been about as humorous as I usually am in these blogs, but building up to writing and then, of course, actually writing about Shadow Kanji has made me mentally exhausted. Lots of repressed nonsense I had to poke and prod through for material. So, I think we'll end things here. Apologies if this day's EIGAYJ is not up to snuff. 

Even though a major plot twist may be totally obvious, literally everything else about this game is getting better everytime I switch it on. I still have a very long journey ahead and I couldn't be more excited to see where this game takes me next. 


[Once again, we've come to the daily music and R34 choices!]

I have no idea what you call this sort of music in your part of the world, but, down here, in Texas, I've always referred to it as "Tejano". 

As much as I may dog on my hometown and state for being about as exciting as a tofu turkey dinner, there's something very wholesome about the music around here. So close to the border of Mexico, we have plenty of Mexican food restaurants, events celebrating Mexican culture, and lots of construction workers/contractors blaring stuff like what you hear above. 

Those unmistakable melodies and progressions. It feels just like home. 
















I tried so hard to find some Kanji R34, but to little avail. Looks like I'll have to dig just a bit deeper. 

See ya next time!


4:24 PM on 06.06.2015

♪ Everyday is great at your Junes! ♪ (June 6th)

[During the month of June, everyday is Persona 4 appreciation day! Comes see for yourself, and get in touch with this latest series of blogs!]

I'm starting to get the sense that here is where the story of the game will begin to slow down for a while and much of my time will be spent either battling or doing side activities. It feels as if I've done more lollygagging in this session alone than much of the whole rest of my time with this game. 

I've become so accustomed with my day-to-day that I am probably stressing more over tending to mine and Nanako's garden than I am over making sure to rescue Kanji. After school, you may find me frolicking side to side about the Shopping District like someone had just lit my butt on fire, only to realize that "... oh yeah. There's this guy that needs my help or he's gonna die. I really gotta stop clowning around. We're...


bear-ning daylight, here!"

*Seinfeld bass*

I have a thing for tribal/warrior girls and I've never been one to turn down a lass with purple skin. But, Yaksini isn't just pleasant eye candy. Turns out, she's also pretty damn handy for fusion purposes! I've already used her twice and I just keep coming back for more! 

Fusing, I mean. Not... not that. But, if only, eh? 

I've done a tremendous amount of fusing this session, actually. Fusing and jotting down other fusions for future reference. It's become pretty taxing. I mean, look at just what I've lined myself up for:

Slime + Angel + Izanagi = Anubis w/ Makarakarn (at level 59)
Jack Frost + Orobas + Yaksini = Ares (at level 25/ pound out Chie S. Link!)
Jack Frost + Archangel + Yaksini = Hua Po (at level 25)
Eligor + Yaksini + Oberon = Narcissus (at level 24/ when S. Link is level 2+)
Yomo + Eligor + Izanagi = Queen Mab (at level 25/ when S. Link is level 1)
Oberon + Yomo + Archangel = Matador (at level 24/ possible S. Link level 2+)
Legion + Vetala = Nigi Mitama (at level 23/ when S. Link is level 3)
Vetala + Yaksini = High Pixie (at level 22)
Legion + Eligor + Berith = Kaiwan (at level 24)
Vetala + Phoenix + Jack Frost = Gdon (at level 31/ when S. Link is level 5)
Legion + Phoenix = Incubus (at level 28/ find Devil S. Link + level 3)
Phoenix + Legion + Principality = Power (at level 27/ when S. Link is level 5+)

Sometimes I have to hold off from browsing the fusion search and take a few in-game days to calm down. "I'm already going to be plenty awesome. I've got to stop being so awesome at this.". You ever get that? I get that all the time. 

Just don't go thinking you're more awesome than me. 

I like you. You seem as if you know your place. 



I've told myself, time after time, "Save before fusing.". Because fusion mistakes worse than even that mutated bulb of Hulk heads can happen and happen more often than you'd think. And don't forget about registering! You fuse a new best friend and all that work spent grinding out those extra levels and skills will have gone to waste if registering wasn't previously on your mind. 

I almost flipped a shit and a half when I thought I had neglected to register Jack Frost, a common Persona in my fusions, before fusing him with some other guys. You would have literally heard something on the news about this the following morning. Thankfully, I had it all covered and all I needed to do was redo walking over to the Velvet Room from the save point inside the TV. 

However, I did forget to save before attempting to fuse King Frost. By the time I was in the Velvet Room and ready to stir the pot, I shrugged it off and figured there was no way I'd happen upon another accident so soon after my last. 

That arrogance led to this little shit: 

Dancing there. Smiling. Taunting.

You are absolute garbage. I can't even remember your name. Just that you are fucking garbage and shit and you look like a Digimon, you idiot. 

So, I had to redo an in-game day and a floor in Kanji's bathhouse. But, I eventually got my way:

More like 'hee WHOA'!

But, ya know what? I still love this fusion mechanic. These creatures may be static, but their stats, fusion combos, skills, etc. can vary depending on how you go about the process. It's like a crafting system, which is already addicting, but with a hint of chess. You're always moving around skills and Personas, thinking way ahead of time, in order to come out on top with some brilliant creations. 

It's a hell of a thing to search up what the end-game Personas are like and realize that that's gonna be me at some point. 

Besides all that, I finally decided to see what Marie's Social Link was all about. 

"Shutup baby, I know it!"

Her naivety over simple subjects is charming. Quick to distress, but easy to please, she's pretty interesting. It's like she reacts with those long mumbles out of a nervous reaction rather than because she actually intended to sound like that. Or it's just that she spends more time writing poetry than socializing that words, like when writing, just start tumbling out. Perhaps a little bit of both. 

Then I got peeved when fuckboy Yosuke showed up to crash our lovely, personal time by trying to hit on another innocent lady.

You haven't looked at me straight this entire visit.

I expect you think buying me steak makes this cool? No. You're only covering that candy ass of your's because you know that I know you just came over because, yes, Marie is pretty fine. Well, and with all due respect to Marie, but I'm not nearly as gullible. You're just digging yourself even deeper, you rapscallion. 


What? Is my fly down? 

Is nothing sacred?!

Since I have Power lined up for fusion in a few levels, I also decided to start really grinding out Nanako's Social Link. Well, not just for tha Powah (heheh, good one), but for as much as I sometimes irk at her voice acting, I still find her completely adorable. Unfiltered cute. I wanna give her a piggyback ride or something. Do her hair. I don't know. 

I'm happy the translators chose for her to refer to me as "big bro" rather than "onii-chan". The latter carries with it a connotation I'd rather not have forced onto Nanako. I read entirely too much hentai. 

I wanna run through a second time up to this point, with enough Courage, just to tell Dojima it wasn't her fault. Nanako whimpering is my trigger. 


[And now on to our daily music and R34 choices!]

Even the battle complete music I never get tired of in this game. It's not just a congratulations, it's a fucking party! 

Not just in this song, but in most songs across the entire soundtrack, I can't get over how much I love the tone of the instruments. The keys/synth especially, and Shoji has done really great work with the bass as well. Both Persona 3 and Persona 4's soundtracks are probably the only video game soundtracks I can listen to at almost any point in my day. I've had them on repeat whenever I go on my walks and the time just flies on by. 



















Anyone else here into being dominated by magic? 

Hopefully with me rearing up on Kanji's boss fight, I'll have more to talk about next time. See ya then!


3:51 PM on 06.05.2015

♪ Everyday is great at your Junes! ♪ (June 5th)

[During the month of June, everyday is Persona 4 appreciation day! Come see for yourself, and get in touch with this latest series of blogs!]

Okay. I've got this iteration nailed down. This is my first full session with 99% of the content completely new to me and I have some pretty neat stuff to talk about. There's even some bollocks I should have went over during the last blog that I now find absolutely worth mentioning off-hand in the following paragraph. 

Ahem. Did you know that a dried pickle was what netted me the required level of Courage to concur the "beasts" that supposedly dwelled at the shrine at night? That I had no idea co-op attacks were in! I even made this: 

Perfect segway. Because I needed to post that. 

Speaking of segways, here's another!

I wasn't kidding when I said this game felt like real life high school. Just without the Proactive, disappointment, or real life consequences. I spent the better part of the days leading up to the exams period studying, desperately trying to raise my intelligence or at least work out exactly why it was I needed to know who it was that translated some trivial English to Japanese that one time.

Thankfully, though, in the end, it seemed worth it! Well, that and actually paying attention to the answers given out almost directly during my classes. 

For all my confidence, though, I didn't think I'd actually manage to rank within the top scores! I would've really impressed Yukiko-san if she had been around to see them. I'm not gunnin' for these awesome grades for my health, ya know! 

At least Chie and Yosuke seemed impressed. Like that's accomplishing anything. 

I made lunch for me and Ayane to have together because I felt bad for continuously missing Band practice.

Out pops a surprise reveal from Naoto! Er, pardon. "Slender young man". 

Fun Fact: I actually did think Naoto was a dude for a long time a while back. I found "him" incredibly sexy. But, whether male or the other kind, Naoto is pretty fine. Yes, that's still a fact. "Androgyny" stacks amongst some of the best "-ny" suffix terms around! I think that was an article on Thesaurus. 

But, sorry Gaj. Yukiko is still best. However, to be fair, there really isn't much else to go on at this point with Naoto. Much of mine and the game's attention has been on Kanji "Boy Lover" Tatsumi.

Perhaps it's my biased affection for Troy Baker, but his performance is far and away the best of the bunch. Smooth as ass cheeks and he does some pretty ace yelling without coming off as forced or, in some way, obnoxious. Anger or distress is always a hit or miss with video game VA's. I also appreciate that they kept his introduction short. I don't think we would have gained anything from being beaten over the head with his harsher side to then be finally shown that, suuuuurrrrpriiiiiiise, he's actually completely misunderstood.

After witnessing Yosuke and Chie's "Shadow" selves, any person with half a third of their brain would see the pattern: Each major protagonist has a side of them that manifests into mirrored depictions and you're gonna fight them. This aspect of the plot was kept fresh because the next character, Yukiko, had been much more reclusive than the others. There was an air of mystery around her, so it was nice to have an extremity clear things up and now she's a more interesting, open character for it. 

Now, with Kanji, it's clear he suffers from some kind of complex. He's overly-sensitive and often rash. His character beyond such face value attributes aren't clear, so a "Shadow" self is a perfect way to move things along.

Right now, he's probably my favorite. Even ignoring Troy-senpai. 

Oh, I wish he was always this cutesy. 

I'd watch it. For the plot, of course. 

Don't worry, Kanji! Your mustachioed rescue party has arrived!

I'm enjoying Kanji's bathhouse a whole lot more than Yukiko's castle. Many of those long stretches of hallway are gone and those square rooms previously reserved for treasure chest locations are now used for the basic layouts. Things are becoming new, more complex, yet slightly less monotonous. Then again, for all I know, there may be some later traversal gimmicks that fly in the face of a good time ala the castle's teleportation floor.

Dungeon-crawling, in general, has been really heating up. 

You can't hide behind that mask, Hulk Hogan. "I seeee youuuuu!". 

Here we see 5 Golems preparing for next year's Mardi Gras.

Hee-ho, motherfuckers!

Would you believe that I took on a third part-time job? Between my translating at home, day care during the week, and now a pub at night, I have no right to say that I'm ever without anything to do. Does anyone actually go to bed in this game unless they're forced to? I sure don't. Band, gardening, studying... my main priority, though, besides battling, is managing my Social Link with Yukiko. 

More and more, I'm convinced that she wants my weiner. I think my heart fluttered a bit when I asked her straight out for her number while stalking Kanji, with the way she said "Call anytime.". I don't think she knows exactly what it is she's getting herself into, but I'm gonna go ahead and take that literally.

At the very least, I can't let her end up with someone like Yosuke. If that ever happened, it'd be because Yosuke is so darn pushy. Not in a jerkish sort of manner, but he's a rather desperate young man. At this point, given even the slightest hint of a pervish ulterior motive, I turn into Mr. Morooka around him. "You ain't looking to be hitting on some girls now, are yeh? This is an investigation, you little rat! Set that loser brain of your's straight and focus!". 


[On into the daily music and R34 choices!]

As much as I may be preferring the actual layout of Kanji's bathhouse, I'm already missing the castle music.

I absolutely love how the raving verse section transitions into that somber breakdown with that frantic percussion line. This is the first dungeon and it perfectly encapsulates the overwhelming nature of the situation for our heroes. Both the terror and feeling of hopelessness. I do really like Sauna, but I think it'd be more suited for a mini-boss than for dungeon-crawling. 

I probably wouldn't mind having Muscle Blues as Kanji's dungeon music. That'd always be worth a chuckle. 














More Chie! I think my goal for tonight will be to find some really good Kanji R34. My choices wouldn't be so limited if I didn't have to exclude the nudey ones. Confounded, Destructoid!

See ya next time!


6:10 PM on 06.04.2015

♪ Everyday is great at your Junes! ♪ (June 4th)

[During the month of June, everyday is Persona 4 appreciation day! Come see for yourself, and get in touch with this latest series of blogs!]

I may have forgotten to take out the garbage, I may have accidentally ran my lawnmower over the neighbor boy's frisbee, I may now have a 6th and 7th finger on my left hand thanks to a series of unfortunate events I don't care to get into, but at least I finally made some real progress in Persona 4: Golden last night.

In fact, I've actually past the point I originally quit at! From here on out, it's all completely fresh and I am thrilled. 

Well, actually, I may know some vague details regarding some late-game story happenings because, hey, it's the Internet and Persona 4 is a somewhat old game, but it'll be mostly new! Between that and saving Yukiko, everything's comin' up Seymour!

Ohhh myyyy!

Shadow Yukiko's boss fight was really awesome in that I was able to make some excellent use of my recently-fused Eligor. Since Senri hardly got any spotlight because what the heck's a leopard lady doing with that Raiden cosplay, it was nice to know my hard work during fusion had begun to finally pay off in some way. 

With Eligor's resistance to physical attacks, Yukiko's Double Fangs were more like subtle nipple twisters than a sharp poke through the stomach. With both Yosuke and my Eligor sporting Dia, I could stack heals onto Chie to compensate for any damage taken while guarding after her 1 More. Lastly, with Eligor's Patra, I was able to negate both Yukiko and her prince's Fear spells. About all that would have made things easier would be if I was rocking a Bufu attack myself. 

Ohhh myyyy!

But, hey, you know what's even better? This bamf. Oberon. I still love my Eligor, but Oberon is packing some serious Magic, Endurance, and Luck stats. The latter two thanks to some continuous Arcana draws during Shuffle Time. I'm talking about 4 or 5 buffs to both stats. Also, he doesn't fuck around with Arm Chopper. 

When I first began using Oberon and had come to realize my new PHENOMINAL COSMIC POWER, I was already in a good mood as I was coming off the tail end of a streak of rainy days. In Persona 4, much like in real life, rainy days are incredibly relaxing and I found plenty of fun is just taking quick little strolls around town whenever I could. I wasn't even concerned with going anywhere. I just wanted to soak up the atmosphere. 

What's this? The metalworks shop is staying open late tonight? 

And I get a discount?!

AND new gear?!

Somebody, get me a towel. 

Ohhh myyyy!

Ohhh m- okay, I really have to cool it with the innuendos. 

I think I've hit "that" point in this game. Not quite past the point of no return, but definitely that point where I find it hard to believe I'll ever stop. I've commited myself to more than several fusion chains, I now have two part-time jobs, I've joined Band, I've already spanked more Shadow ass than I can count, and I have an exam next week! 

The story has also officially hooked me. As I've been over before, I absolutely love the characters. Even at their worst, most of the cast's performances are stellar. It's like a high-quality anime where you get to play during the filler sections! You know, those little side stories or events that a show might explore that take the main plot nowhere but do offer up some extra substance or lore? And those fight scenes that drag on for several episodes? Now they're character-building exercises that feed into my love of loot and exploration (even if the dungeon designs aren't exactly ambitious)!

I can't say I even have any complaints about the bits with Shadow Yukiko. Much more fleshed out and thematic than either Yosuke or Chie's, it felt considerably less hamfisted. I actually found myself most empathetic towards Yukiko's inner self as, despite her opportunities, she doesn't have the spine to venture out and go against the grain while she waits for the world to sweep her off her feet and make everything perfect. That was basically me for much of these past several years. Something I'm glad to be over with. 

I hope this sets a precendent for the rest of the cast. 

The only character I have a real problem with is Nanako and even she is impossible to hate. She's a dream little sister and adorable to boot. 

Whoever performs her voice isn't always perfect at seemlessly portraying a small girl rather than an adult trying to sound like a small girl, but they must be doing something right when I smile literally everytime she's happy or wish to comfort her when she's sad. I mean I got goddamned teary-eyed when she seemed so profoundly disappointed that Dojima had to cancel our Golden Week vacation. 

To say that she was excited would be an understatement. Poor little thing. 

On a lighter note, I now have a big enough dick to venture out to the local shrine at night. I couldn't help but have those ghostly rumors peak my interest and it seemed as if the game was building to something going down there provided my Courage stats were appropriate.

At first, I chuckled at the idea of there actually being nothing. That it just now unlocked access to the shrine whenever. That it was all hype. I prayed at the main hall, searched around for signs of anything at all, then left with a content smirk. 

The next day, though, was a pleasant surprise. 

Spooky music started playing and I suddenly felt my body shudder. I actually was just a tiny bit convinced I would have to throw down with a mini-boss or perhaps a Gastly. And me with no Great Balls. 

Um... hello. 

O-oh. You're a messenger? You're here to help? 

Better yet, he is the Hermit Social Link. 

They pulled a fast one on me. Nothing happened the previous night, I was enjoying a spontaneous cruise over to the Junes grocer, and I figured the game was taking me to the shrine to meet up with one of my sexy friends. What I got was way better and I think I now understand why I've been seeing so many anthro fox depictions of Yosuke around places like Pixiv.

This game just keeps getting better and better. 


[And now on to the daily music and R34 choices!]

The original Backside of the TV is an interesting track. It's not often that the female vocalists get to show off their hip-hop chops and the melody hook is far from conventional. Interesting, but still far from a favorite of mine. It suits the game more than it suits itself, which is fine. That's much of the point of video game music, but Persona's pieces have typically been more than that to me. 

This remix, however, is the best piece of music I've heard in a good while and is now a big driving force behind my excitement for Dancing All Night. As if I wasn't already incredibly excited. The added layers of sound and progression coupled with the new Lotus Juice's takes really have given this song the identity is should have had from the beginning. If only it had just one more verse or at least a few more measures. 

















Persona X Devil Summoner? Yes please! 

See ya next time!


1:58 PM on 06.03.2015

♪ Everyday is great at your Junes! ♪ (June 3rd)

[During the month of June, everyday is Persona 4 appreciation day! Come see for yourself, and get in touch with this latest series of blogs!]

I had that Fallout 4 site cued up on my phone while I went to sleep late last night. Didn't think that would end up as my morning alarm, but I watched that trailer as soon as I was up while I could watch it and was plenty happy. It's nothing like what a new Persona 5 trailer would do for me, though. That would make me happier than a puppy in a pit of Milkbones.

Still. How do you follow something like that up? Going back to bed? Aha. No. So, today's EDIGAYJ is a somewhat early one. 

People say Persona 3 and 4 are pretty much life sims amidst dungeon-crawling and lots of beautiful people and they are so right. It's about as stressful as real life in that I have so much to do and not nearly enough time to do it all when I wanna.

I prioritize, I study, I check the weather, I sneak out at night to flirt with Yosuke because Dojima's not my real dad so he can't tell me what to do, and I even end up forgetting important things like being sure to fuse specific Personas on specific days for added benefits. Pretty soon, I'm gonna have to start jotting down a schedule on a Sticky Note because when I forget something I am more distraught than I probably should be.

I'm already having to make sure to write down potentially useful fusion combos. I've learned through watching SMTIV playthroughs that Makarakarn is a VERY useful asset, so I knew immediately to take note of Anubis' fusion(s). 

Which Personas to level just once more for that new move, how to spend your days, even down to money management. It's a very tightly-balanced and satisfying system, but damn this game is a handful. In fact, how I've found myself making these decisions has given my own real life perspective. If I can't handle this sort of stress in a video game, how the hell am I going to last once I have college start up again? Then maybe a job? Bills? A special someone? 

What if Shadows invade Texas and I have no awesome Personas to use to defend myself with?! At this rate, not only will I likely be ill-prepared, but I'll be just a tad frustrated. I mean, I stiill need to at least play Persona 5. 

I've gotta seize the day and just start making decision, man. 

Show me your butt so I can get in a first strike, already!

If any book can "raise my stats", it's a book about Jonathan Holmes.

I like how the Shuffle Time draws are sort of miniature, dynamic puzzles. I want to keep as many of the benefits I see laid before me as possible, but there are more variables than the game simply telling you how many cards you have left to draw. I choose one over the other, some completely change, and, before I know it, I have even better benefits and a Sweep Bonus! If you can keep that Sweep Bonus momentum going for another few Shuffle Time's, it can be pretty hard to contain yourself. 

Even when I'm not going for a Sweep Bonus, there's a splendid risk/reward factor in certain situations. Say I have a Half EXP card that will net me two extra card choices? I could take that and then a Chest Key and some HP/SP recovery, or I could just take either of the latter and keep my EXP. Dumb mistakes come thanks to a brain as terrible as mine, so HP/SP recovery is typically valuable to me. 


This the strategy I use for these evil handpuppet jesters. I have no idea what to do with them, so I just wait until they run away.

And by the by, Senri was my first Triple Fusion! ... she didn't "remain by my side" for too long. Not even a couple hours later, I upgraded her to Eligor. Can't even keep a promise you made to someone you just met? Pft. I might as well have befriended a pool noodle. 

This victory you likely speak of isn't my endgoal here, Eligor. If that is your real name. I just want to make Yukiko my waifu. You're merely a means to an end. 

I still hate those golden hands. I'm now convinced I don't have the pants to deal with them quite yet. I mean, I put in all that effort to chase after them, buff up my team, to have it avoid all my attacks, cockslap Yosuke for a crit, then escape immediately afterwards. Gotta admit, that's pretty funny, but fuck you. I'm all the cock that boy needs. 

This is Papa Echo Romeo Sierra Oscar November Alpha. Whereabouts of Yukiko are still unknown. I've attempted to make contact with her Shadow, but she's, and pardon my French, becoming a real thorn in my knickers. What the hell was up with that teleporting nonsense? Damn my sense for adventure. I had found the right door early, but kept intentionally forcing myself down the wrong path so I could find more sweet-ass loot. Eventually, I found it difficult to make it back to the only real point of interest. 

I feel like a jackass, but rather than continue forward, I ended my session with joining the band at school. I did this with Persona 3 as well. My love of music always seems to draw me to these. Interestingly enough, I've never actually been in Band before in real life. My extreme love of music didn't really blossum until I picked up a guitar around 2006, and high school, for me, ended in 2007. 

Yu is every bit the man I wanted to be at his age. Leadership. Confidence. Talent. Brilliantly grey hair. I envy him. 

I really wish Band in Persona 3/4 had some sort of rhythm-based mini-game or something co-oping the Social Link aspect. Actually, that goes for all clubs. That'd really complete the experience for me. Or I'm just really really jonesin' for Dancing All Night. 


[Finally time for our daily music and R34 choices!]

If you haven't heard any of the Persona 3 or 4 Reincarnation albums, you are missing out. They're so excellent, I bought myself physical copies of both (a novelty for me these days). 

For those who still don't know, these albums were intended as sort of remasters of some select tracks from both games. All songs were extended past their loop point, some were built upon, remixed, one or two songs even changed completely in genre and tone. They're easily amongst my favorite albums in not just games but general music. Persona 3's has a beautiful rendition of Aria of the Soul. It literally chokes me up. Everytime. 

P4's Reincarnation album gives us an even more relaxing take on Heartbeat Heartbreak. You still can't quite tell what the singer's saying (Hobbit, Hobbit... it keeps on pudding!), but we can forgive that. Actually, we love that. Don't we? These lyrics are like fever dreams with the way I hear them and that's great. 


















Don't worry. I still have plenty of Yosuke!

See ya next time!


3:45 PM on 06.02.2015

♪ Everyday is great at your Junes! ♪ (June 2nd)

[During the month of June, everyday is Persona 4 appreciation day! Come see for yourself, and get in touch with this latest series of blogs!]

For those who missed yesterday's, let me just say I'm not a fan of you right now. But, it's okay, because you can always read it now! 

I'm not kidding. Read it now. 




Now, can we move on? It's been a rough couple hours and I am in no mood for any further interuption. I haven't even done my morning squats yet. TODAY IS JUST FUCKED DAMMIT!

I am in such a terrible mood and it's all your fault. I type out the words and it's all for fun until somebody thinks it's perfectly okay to ignore them. I have important words to be read! You think you're any better? Do you have a Toon Link amiibo? Do you love Sonic creamslushes? Have you ever gone a whole day without masturbating? Didn't think so. 

I am the alpha here, motherfucker. 

You know who I can count on, though? Persona 4: Golden. What a great game it's been thus far. Not only is it great, but, unlike some mobile games I play and despite it's size, it loads surprisingly quickly. I can get into a game in around 45 seconds to a minute and that includes going through the Vita's home screen and on into when I have control over my character. 

Ironically, mobile gaming sometimes seems to forget that ease and quickness of access are part of the point of having something on-the-go. Games I would love to get in a quick few minutes of here or there can have you go through several watermarks and sizable loading screens before the action starts. With Persona 4: Golden, sessions are likely to last at least 10-30 minutes given it's length and wealth of activities, so it's a pretty damn decent trade-off. 

Me? Sessions are more like 2-4 hours. And my Vita still sits at more than half charge. I love this thing. 

I remember being completely captivated by this setting and then being surpremely disappointed I couldn't do anything with it just yet when I originally played Golden. 

At least I apologized. 

Even down to the little things like audio feedback, even outside battles, impresses me about this game. I shouldn't feel so satisfied that I helped Yosuke out during class with a question I had no idea how to answer, but it felt amazing. I didn't know how many chapters some guy did of a book I had never heard of, but I guessed 3 because 2 seemed like too few and 7 seemed like too much. I had no right to, but I nailed it!

> "Yosuke seems to appreciate you"

> "Expression Increased!"

> "Swag Increased!"

But, boy, did that first *clank!* of the metalworks crafting make me jump.

Interesting how so many people are still playing this game (online). Guess I shouldn't be surprised as it's fucking Persona and not Perfect Dark Zero, but it still made me smile to see so many prompts for for Rescue Requests coming in and sometimes even as many as 2 or 3 people helping me out whenever I put out the call. 

I put out those calls because I actually did need help. I don't remember the game being this challenging. I mean, it's not that hard at all, but I was goddamned taken out by a Laughing Table because I wasn't learned enough to focus on him because he's actually a sonavabitch. One "Evil Smile" and my entire party was in Fear. Next turn, Yosuke and Chie ran off and I was left still unable to move. I'm dead now. 

I'm not happy now. 

And those golden hands? I wasted so much time and SP on them. They actually made me angry each time they ran away. 


Because of enemies like him, I've grown somewhat attached to Slime. Resistant against physical attacks, Fears troublesome or slippery foes, and I'm sure to make use of his Red Wall ability (fire resistance) given the chance to efficiently fuse with him. 

All my time last session was dealing with stuff like this. I still haven't saved Yukiko. Who, by the way, I have decided to make my waifu when the time comes. It's clear she wants me. On top of that, she's such a sweetheart. Chie used to be who I figured I'd want to end up with, but plans change. I am like the seasons. Or at least my penis is. 

But, hey, speaking of fusions...

This was probably the very first fusion mishap I've experienced throughout my time with SMT that actually was beneficial! 

For one, I can't even fuse Personas past level 7 as of yet! That's already pretty hype. But, not only was she a much better pick than Sandman and past the level barrier, but the "Fusion Forecast" gave her an extra and very useful skill! I intended that last bit to happen, but it was the cherry on top of this creamy, chocolatey fusion. Now I know how that Reese's guy must've felt. 

Also, I met a "weak-willed boy" named Shota. 


[On to our daily music and R34 choices!]

This was actually the song that started it all. A friend of mine was playing this over a game of Left 4 Dead and I couldn't help but ask "What is this funky-ass groove, yo?". "It's from Persona 4!", he replied. 

"I can dig it."

It's the perfect music to stroll around town to. Smiling from ear to ear, got my shades on, big steps forward, enthusiastic sways of my right and left arms, and a song in my head. That outta drown out the voices. 

I guarantee I would have made playing Persona an eventuality given the astounding popularity of the last Persona 5 trailer, but who knows when I would have actually played any of them?! I'm very glad I got into them when I did. 










In honor of my new best girl declaration, here's some Yukiko with boobs the size of her noggin. 

See ya next time!


3:27 PM on 06.01.2015

♪ Everyday is great at your Junes! ♪ (June 1st)

[During the month of June, everyday is Persona 4 appreciation day! Come see for yourself, and get in touch with this latest series of blogs!]

I was bored last night, waiting for when I could conclude my eyes were heavy enough to fall asleep. Too tired to do much of anything, not tired enough to lay in bed content that I wasn't supposed to be doing something at that moment. Anything. So, I considered doing a blog. Too tired for that too, but an idea did come to me. It was the most brillaint, perfect idea I had ever had! It's definitely better than that idea I had for a full-body shave suit.  

See, I just so happened to begin my journey to finally finish Persona 4 yesterday, with still so many hours ahead of me. It is also now June first. "Let's work with this.", I said.

So, welcome to the first iteration of a blog series I hope to keep daily throughout this next month. Call it a diary of sorts. Everyday this June, I'm going to detail whatever's been going down in my world of Persona 4 because that's how obsessed someone can get over these games. Believe it or not, I don't foresee me running out of content anytime soon, so let's hope this works out!

I should cut to the freaking chase and out that I'm not playing the original version, but the Vita's Golden iteration. Why? Well, it's got not only the better everything but more of that better everything! I prefer the new Chie. I prefer the new Teddie. In fact, a whole lot more. It's also got a Halloween event now, which is my favorite holiday! 

Perhaps my preference has something to do with much of my exposure to the original release being through DSP, who is, despite becoming a tad less insufferable since I last checked in on him, still a dickweed. 

For those who don't know, DSP (or "DarkSydePhil") is a let's player on YouTube who's become outstandingly infamous for not only his inability to play almost any video game but his poor attitude (to say the least). He doesn't just get frustrated, he whines. His whining turns to blaming the game, which incites aggravation in his viewers. Then that aggravation incites aggravation in Phil, which leads to him making himself look even worse. He doesn't play nice, but not in a charming sort of way. Not at all. He's just an asshole with little conduct or sportsmanship. 

To add to that, his commentary is awful. He always laughs at his own stupid jokes, he's inflammatory (during the credits sequence of Bioshock Infinite, he was forcibly insulting the cast members in their reprise of "Will the Circle Be Unbroken" like a high school jock), and he suddenly turns 13 whenever he sees a pair of tits. He doesn't come off as sarcastic or satirical, but genuinely obnoxious. Dare I say, incredibly sexist. 

My sick curiousity peaked, though, because I knew he had been playing Persona 4 recently.

More of DSP's nonsense aside, it's made me appreciate Golden even more. I always thought OG Chie sounded a little too much like Yukiko with a sore throat, despite them being two completely different characters. I feel her new voice fits to her personality much more while distancing herself from many other female characters I've heard. She's occasionally a little too squelchy when she's yelling or frustrated, but I generally prefer it. As someone who's been around several gigantic tomboys while growing up, every bit of her now feels ever so nostalgic. 

I also thought Teddie's scratchy original VO was a bit too on the nose. I get it... he's a cute bear. *Rawr* *Snarl* and all that. His new VO, though? I love it. It's still cute, but it now has a smooth and endearing "draw" to it. There's still a hint of his original VO here and there, but it's appropriate enough. They handled the voice direction really well with this re-release slash expansion and that holds true for what I've heard from Marie thus far as well. 

This screen does not do it justice. In Golden, the Velvet Room looks absolutely gorgeous!

Quick! Somebody get him a tissue, it snot too late!

Just as fitting as it is the month of June, I begin my Persona 4 playthrough during a week that has seen lots of rain in my local area. Thankfully, we, specifically, have not seen the worst, but you may have heard that the state of Texas has been getting hit pretty hard recently. For me? A soft rain and the subtle dottings of thunder provided a fitting backdrop for my first day in Inaba. 

If there's a following fog and murder mystery afoot, I'm going to lose my shit. 

When I originally played Persona 4: Golden, I was absolutely blown away by literally everything about it. The story, the poppy visuals, the presentation, the level of polish, the music, all of it! Even when I had decided to waste time with Chie-chan and all I got out of it was... I-I don't even know what the hell this is. 

But... thanks? 

One of the aspects I found most impressive was how the story tackled people's "inner selves". It made me think how my "Shadow" would appear before me and how I would react to it. To be honest, I'd probably react the same way as the protags and that's especially if I were several years younger than I am now. It was interesting and totally radical. 

However, having now had a second run with the early sections of the game, I can't say I still feel it's as masterful a set of plotpoints as I once thought it was.

It's easy to see what they were going for and it's commendable, but some elements feel just a little cheesy or inexplicit. I get that Yu's "wild card" was a way the developers felt was appropriate to contextualize player choice, but it's actually silly how special you're made out to be (if that makes any sense). It may've been better to actually just let the mechanics be rather than try to explain them in a way that loosely fit into the narrative. Yu didn't have to even "face himself" in any other way than just doing what he did naturally in order to gain his Persona, whereas everyone else has a "Shadow" counterpart to tackle. Hell, they aren't even the ones who have to take care of actually battling the things!

I could further nitpick, but I won't. I still love the characters and what the story tries to be in relation with it's mechanics (the murder mystery aspect is a whole 'nother discussion that I'll probably get to as the game comes to a close), but it can sometimes come off as corny. Persona 3 handled this aspect better, I feel, in that it didn't really explain them at all beyond "You're special because you're the hero and others have Persona's because they've awakened to them or something... Dark Hour... I don't know.". Inexplicit still, but less offensive. 

To close out each EIGAYJ (catchy!), I'll be featuring some Persona-related media. Namely: one Persona 4 song and one Persona 4 R34. I've got plenty of both, honey. 

I decided to finally delve into Lotus Juice's (the hip-hop artist featured prominently throughout the franchise) solo work several days ago in part for my preparation for Persona 4 and have been both entertained and disappointed. Most of my music is conveniently located on Spotify, but he only has a single album available on the service. Beary sad. Even then, some of the material is far far away from my personal tastes. 

Don't get me wrong. I like "sex, drugs, and rock n' roll", but, when it's applied to hip-hop, it often sounds... creepy. I mean no offense to those who produce or enjoy them, but songs like Buzz just don't sit well with me. With rock, there's usually energy and a lovely melody to it. With hip-hop, the vocals come off as genuinely seductive and I'm just not turned on by alchohol and the artist wanting to see my booty bounce. 

With that said, much of his CARPE DIEM album is very pleasant. One song, in particular, stuck out to me. Do For Love, in fact, features not only long-time Persona vocalist Yumi Karamura, but composer Shoji Meguro! Whoa! I know! It sounds a lot like a lost Persona 4 track, right down to it's mixing and the tone of the instruments. Some of it's in Japanese, but that's okay. It's surprising how well Lotus Juice can rap in English even though English was a second language to him and he has spent much of his life in Japan. 






I never said booty wasn't completely off-limits, did I? 

See ya next time!


3:36 PM on 05.22.2015

7 more things you should ignore about SeymourDuncan17

What's more fun than blasting 80's new wave out the front car of a train shaped like a hot dog wiener while you're being tit-cuddled by Jessica Nigri? Leeching off blog trends! And who doesn't love talking about themselves? You? That's a lie. I don't want liars reading my blogs. Of my many fetishes, liars aren't one of them.

First off, do like me while typing and play this while reading:

You shall feel as one with me and my words (it'll also offset the upcoming sadness). 

Second off, I wanted to touch butt base with the community since my life has been slowing changing over the past month or two and, thankfully, for the better! I haven't been over it much here (if at all), but, this past year, I've been going through a real hard time. Let's just say gullibility, paranoia, loneliness, and ADHD do not go together in a very tasty sandwich. Not to say I've been completely alone or in a living hell (some people even here have it worse or way worse than I), but I've had some growing pains to get through. At 24, I'm going through nonsense I should have gotten out of the way when I was still a teenager. Knowing one's self, where I wanna go with my life, why I feel this or that, those sorts of things. 

It isn't always there, but it's been what's kept me doing nothing with my life for far too long. 

But, in this past week especially, I've calmed down tremendously. I've begun exercising again, I've been a lot more motivated to generally do things, and I also realized I look really fucking cute in glasses. Makes me wanna get my eyes checked like I really should be doing anyway. 

With that said, let's say some more stuff about me that is at least somewhat positive. You gotta realize that, even at your worst, there's something about you that makes you great like nobody else and I do feel pretty great right now. I can feel the creative juices flowing...


1. I haven't finished a single game I've started in these past couple months

Not a single fucking one. And I've been really trying too! *sobs*

To be fair, most of them I haven't been quitting because I've been deciding I was more interested in playing something else when I could have been happy finishing what I was already playing like I used to do, but it's a little frustrating nonetheless. I love games, but, lately, they have not been loving me back. 

Final Fantasy IX hurt the worst because it was such a beautiful game, ignoring it's combat, which I felt became horribly monotonous after about 15-20 hours. Murdered: Soul Suspect had some of the most trivial of gameplay spliced in-between some story bits that were alright (though, to be fair, the stealth was becoming halfway interesting some hours in), The Evil Within plays like butter... melted and caked onto a rusty pan, Bloodborne just isn't my thing despite it's very high quality, Freedom Wars' long-winded dialogue bits that just aren't that worthwhile and numerous tutorials wore me out quick, The Witcher 3 is awesome (if not occasionally flawed) but I began to feel as if I was really missing out having barely played 1 and not touched 2 at all...

Wait! I did finish Captain Toad: Treasure Tracker. That was the most adorable game I had ever played. 

I can't count how many times I audibly squee'd at the highly-concentrated levels of cuteness on display. 

But, that was it! 

I'm gonna give Persona 2 another shot in just a few short hours because I didn't really give it a fair shake considering how much I was impressed with certain aspects, but I may just quit that one too. I'm gonna try really reeeeeeeally hard not to, though! This funk has got to stop!


2. I quickly learned that purchasing games from general megastores is a very very stupid idea

Taken just a few months ago.

Bitches on cocaine. 


3. I wish I could be paid to think about cute guys

3-hour Boner Specialist. Chairman of the Bara. Doujin Analyst. Something. Ya know, in-between my photography, editing, and contributions to BareTwinks. 

Why not girls? Vaginas are scary! Did you not already know that? You can't get much more complicated than that as far as stimuli go. They, women, in general, are complicated. I love them, though. I really do. They drive me absolutely crazy with lust. But, I know what guys want. I would proudly, enthusiastically, methodically, happily suck a cock while cradling, fingering, groping, slurping... there's a connection I have with dudes, on a sexual level, that women can't beat.

I could think about cute guys all the live long day, but I have yet to see a single penny for all my efforts. Wasting potential, if you ask me. 


4. I still haven't skipped a night of watching The Simpsons

Go me, right?!

If you read my last "[x] things about [person]" blog, you might remember that I had stated there I had been watching The Simpsons every night for about a year. Now, as crazy as that may sound, given that blog is now over a year old, this means I've been watching The Simpsons every night for two freaking years! How could I possibly? Well, it's simple: The Simpsons is the embodiment of great television. 

Other shows have come and gone and I have watched a lot of those as well, but nothing compares to curling up for bed while I slip on one of my 14 or 15 Simpsons DVD sets or maybe waking up and starting my day with an episode going on in the background because "Why not? My PS4 hasn't automatically switched off yet.". 

That I can still laugh out loud (or "lol") at many of these episodes is pretty astounding. Whether that's a testament to my terrible memory, the show's quality, or both, I don't know. I just know that I love it. 


5. I wanna be in a band

By now, you must have noticed that I love music. Probably even more than I love video games. My days wouldn't be complete without either Spotify or wailing on my acoustic guitar. On said acoustic guitar, I have tricked out many a gnarly riffs, licks, and progressions that I don't do anything with, but I want to do something with them. 

I don't have the willpower to make a career out of a project entirely done solo, so I want to be in a band! Even as my own worst critic, I feel I could add a lot to an already awesome band. I may not know music theory or scales or keys or anything like that, but you give me just five minutes and I guarantee something I come up with will catch your interest. Bitch, I can make you sweat. 

So, yeah. Musician for hire! Or do you need a good full body massage therapist? I can do that too. I also boil a mean bean soup. 


6. I'm going back to Alamo City Comic-Con this year as Human Teddie

Above is a test shot I did with whatever I could do with my hair at the time (I plan on getting a professional to handle it the morning of the first day) and a button-up with the completely wrong color and design as well as a red wristband I taped to it.

If I lost a little bit of weight, I think I could pull it off pretty well! There's also finding a tuxedo shirt with the appropriate ruffles, which has proved frustrating. I may have to do with a white button-up with the flaps serving as "ruffles", but I don't wanna... half-Vaas it... like I did last year. Eheh. I may even try for a new costume each day! But, woo boy, would that be a challenge. I loved it so much from last year, though, that I think it'd be worth it. Here's hoping Troy-senpai is back and we can discuss, in person, why he hasn't responded to any of my tweets or late-night Skype calls. 

Oh, I would love going as a Borderlands bandit the second or third days. Would give me a reason to scream a lot. If Deadpool can bring a boombox blasting Lil' Jon, then I think they'd deal with a few video game quotes. 


7. One of the worst days of my life traumatized me into never drinking or smoking again

I also mentioned in my other "things" blog that I would possibly, one day, go over this story. It's a much more interesting tale than that psychadelic dentist trip one from last time. On top of which, it still involves drugs!

This is where I'd say don't do those things, but you can still do the nice ones. Not the ones that lead you near death or to vomiting in a Little Caesar's parking lot. 

But, I'm getting ahead of myself. 

When I was 15-17, I, like many other obnoxious teenagers did, experimented with drugs. I didn't do shrooms, pills, or dip, or any of the harder drugs like cocaine or meth, it was just good ol' based Mary Jane. I remember my first time and the sore throat that followed and while I didn't enjoy the taste, I rather enjoyed the high. It helped that it was something my friends were doing while I was around and who was I to poop on their pot party? We'd invest in all we could. The cheap stuff (which we had a word for that I forgot), kush, skunk, whatever and made pretty efficient use of it too. If there was one thing we knew how to budget, it was weed. 

The best week of my life was spent skipping school with my (still) best friend as we chilled in my apartment, smoking it up each day and watching movies like Next Friday and Mrs. Doubtfire. And eating several pizzas and bags of cheese puff twists (remember those?) and Sour Patch watermelons in the process. Those were the fucking days, man.

You know what "shotgunning" is? It's when you and someone else exchange the smoke from your hits, mouth to mouth. It was so hot. 

However, one day, fate had decided I was to have a wake-up call. A blessing in disguise? For all I know, I could have made an even worse mistake later in life if not been for this day. I think about this all the time and it's a little scary. For as stupid as I was back then, I can't imagine I would have ever gotten into harder drugs or have drunken myself silly enough to deeply regret my actions later (or not be around to regret my actions), but, then again, half the crap I did when I was a teenager I can't believe now. 

A friend of a friend of mine came over and said that he had gotten his hands on the dopest of the dope. He called it "lemonade", but I... don't think it was lemonade (a little research brings up what is known as "tincture of cannabis"). After a brief assurance that it was all on the up and up, he poured me about 3 or 4 cups. I drank it and, almost immediately, I was smiling from ear to ear. It was great shit. My friend of friends gulped down even more than I, though taking it far less on the nose. He was a chief amongst us druggies. Actually, a really awesome dude, now that I think about it. I miss him. 


That friend of mine whom I was closer with was with us and he, for whatever reason, decided to not have any. He probably wanted a dinner and a show because not 5 minutes into downing our glasses, we were ordering pizza. Minutes more go by and me and Soloman (the friend of friends) were, naturally, still flyin' sky high, anxiously awaiting when we found it best to start our drive down to Little Caesar's. 

When that time came, we got into Solo's car (with him at the helm, no less) and headed on out. 

Mere moments pass and I started to feel incredibly claustrophobic, panicing and proclaiming that I wanted out this instant. My friend tried to calm me down, but then even Solo started chiming in. "Ohhhhh, it's not just him. I'm feeling wierd too, man.". Solo and my friend began arguing over whether they were to pull over or not, while I sat in the back getting worse by the second. 

Eventually, I went deaf. I looked left to right from my back seat and all I could hear was through a muffled filter like I had witnessed a close-proximity explosion. Then, I began seeing a grey tunnel. It wasn't even going through my head that I should maybe attempt to stay awake. I think I was too afraid to consider it. Sure enough, I "greyed" out and the next thing I remember is climbing out of the car and vomiting. As I looked up, I noticed we had arrived at Little Caesar's in the end. I guess my friend convinced Solo to keep driving, even in his and my states. 

Fucking asshole. 

My mom arrived to pick me up, but with the surprise addition of my best friend who was now being treated to the sight of me, eyes barely open, vomit dripping down my clothes, and my speech hardly intelligible. Great. I also had to have her and my other friend watch as my mom gave me a bath because I could barely move without help. Perfect! 

A bit of solace, as after I had dressed myself while, somehow, simultaneously lying on the floor, I literally crawled into the next room and got into my mom's bed. Lemme tell y'all, that bed was like heaven. I absolutely sank into those sheets. Assuming the worst of it was over, I could now relax. Even my best friend barging into the room to give me the whole "You're so stupid! But, I'm glad you're okay." speech couldn't faze me. All I had to say to her as I stared at her with a smile and blurred vision was "... God, you're so beautiful.". I meant it, too. I'm not sure if she knew that. 

From what I could see, she smiled back, but then quickly launched back into the other room to yell at my friend for letting me do what I did. According to my mom, she gave him a real what-fer.

See, that's a motherfucking best friend. God, I loved her so much, and not just as a friend. I'm getting teary-eyed just thinking about it. What a dame. 


So yeah. Before that afforementioned dentist trip, that had been the worst day of my life. I stayed in bed for two days, with The Road to El Dorado on repeat on the TV near me. I didn't care. I just needed something besides quiet self-reflection because I probably didn't actually sleep but several hours during those two days despite almost always having my eyes closed and my strength drained. 

From then on, for the longest time, the idea of picking up another pipe or glass of alcohol made me shake. I did try smoking with my best friend and an acquaintance of her's some time after, but I ended up ruining it for both of them. 

To this day, I don't drink. However, I wouldn't mind seeing recreational pot legalized. It'd probably do wonders for my anxieties. 


6:22 AM on 05.18.2015

My mom gives us the skinny on the sexiest men in gaming

Somewhere in deep South Texas, born and raised, on the playground was where she probably spent some time at... is a woman that has been, to me, in several ways, the most important person in my life. She birthed me, she fed me, she protected me, she never judged and always helped out whenever I needed it, and she bought me a lot of awesome video games. Way too many, at that. I even still mooch off of her and she obliges with nary a leering glance. Like any person, she isn't perfect, but she is still lovely and great and caring. And I love her very much. 

This is why I have decided to poll her on the video game world's sexiest men. 

In this slightly awkward interview, I lay out who I believe might catch her fancy as well as some characters who I would be surprised to have her find attractive. I asked her not to take it too seriously in that respect, but, alas, we don't exactly carry the same sense of humor. Had she, I would have gone reeeeally out there. Prepare for some mostly blunt responses, but I think we'll have some fun nonetheless. 

In no way do my biases work towards convincing her that some characters are better than others. I can assure you of that


Me: Mom? 

Mom: Yes?

Me: Ever heard of games journalism? 

Mom: Uhh... I guess? Yeah.

Me: Well, that's what I'm about to do some of. 

Mom: Okay...

Me: I maintain a somewhat popular blog on Destructoid and I thought it'd be cute, funny, stupid, lighthearted, etc. to poll you on some of video games' most sexy men. Because I know you like men and stuff. 

Mom: (laughs) Ummm...

Me: It'll be fun! And it won't be but for a few minutes.

Mom: Uhh, alright. 

Me: Awesome!


Geralt (The Witcher)

Me: Since there's a third game in the Witcher series coming up very soon, in honor of that, what do you think of Geralt? 

Mom: .... think of him as far as what? 

Me: Well, his physical appearance, his attitude...

Mom: How do I know his attitude?

Me: Well, I'll tell you! 

I don't wanna describe him as a sleaze when it comes to love, but he's kind of a... I guess a one-night stand sort of guy. 

Mom: Oh. 

Me: Kind of a love 'em and leave dude. 

Mom: Look-wise, yes. Attitude, no. 

If that's who he is, that's who he is, but it doesn't make him a bad person. 

Me: Well, no. There's nothing wrong with a one-night stand as long as it's consensual.


Trevor (Grand Theft Auto)

Me: Trevor... Trevor's a reeeeal shitty person.

Mom: Look-wise? ... kind of the same deal.


... you mean as far as my tastes?

Me: Yeah. He's a schizophrenic, he's...

Mom: Oh yeah, that's my type! (chuckles)

Me: ... he's a murderer, he's... (laughs)

Mom: (laughs) No. Not even cute. 

Me: Well, you can always go for the "face with personality" card.

Mom: Ehh, no.

Me: Ok!

Mom: Especially when he's a schizo-murderer, no. 

Me: And he's an asshole, at that. Even ignoring the murder, he's a real asshole. 


Dante (Devil May Cry)

Me: Gettin' into some pretty boys, here's Dante from Devil May Cry. 

Mom: Yeah!

Me: He's a demon hunter...

Mom: Yeah!

Me: ... and he's a good guy, for the most part. And he's kind of a "Totally radical!" kind of guy. Cool 90's bad type. 

I was thinking maybe he'd be too young for you.

Mom: Well, yeeeeeah. I didn't think we'd be going for that part.

Me: Yeah, but physically and attitude...

Mom: Yes!

Me: You wouldn't be, at all, turned off by his personality? 

Mom: Well... I guess not. I don't think I'd go for someone saying "Totally radical!", but... (laughs)

Me: Well, he has that kind of persona. 

Mom: Somebody my age wouldn't be saying that!

Me: Like, something he says in Devil May Cry 3 is "This party's gettin' crazy! Let's rock!"

Mom: It might make me laugh, but...

Me: Yeah! He'd make ya laugh. 


Dante (DmC)

Me: Now, there was actually a reboot of Devil May Cry in the form of DmC. This is Dante from that. He's more of a ruffian, rebel-type.

Mom: He's cute.

Me: This is a prequel to Devil May Cry, but it was also meant to be a reboot somehow and... he's not an ass, he's just kind of a flawed character. 

Mom: His body looks bigger than his head...

Me: (laughs) It's probably just the angle. I'll find a new picture.

Mom: That's better. 

Me: He's also a one-night stand sort of character. Until he became the Dante you saw before. He cleaned up a tad and just became a cool, fun character. 


Anders (Dragon Age)

Me: This is actually somebody I don't know anything about. I've just played the games... sort of. His name is Anders.

Mom: Hmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Me: Just from looking at his picture, he's probably very snarky.

So, physically, he's your type?

Mom: Hmm... yeah, I guess so. 

Me: I'm not sure of his sexual preference. Considering the games he's in, he could be homosexual. So... no chance with him!

Mom: Ah. 


Varric (Dragon Age)

Me: How do you feel about short men?

Mom: Nah! They have to be at least my height.

Me: (laughs) Well then, you may not like Varric from Dragon Age. 

Mom: Not saying I'm not attracted to 'em, it's just... no.

Me: Physically, not even? 

Mom: Mmm no.

Me: He's another cool, suave character. Makes ya laugh. He's a writer!


Kuja (Final Fantasy)

Me: Getting into some Japanese designs, so it may really not be your type, but here's Kuja from Final Fantasy. 

Mom: Mmmm... not really.

Me: Too skinny? Too...

Mom: Too skinny, for one.

Me: Too dismissive looking, too evil...?

Mom: I can't even see what he looks like! (the picture is rather small)

Me: Well, here's a cosplay of 'em...

Mom: Too feminine looking. 

Me: (laughs) Yeah, that's pretty much Japanese character design in a nutshell when it comes to younger characters or even the villians. 

The mindset behind that, I'm not sure of.

And if it means anything, here's his "Trance" form where he becomes somewhat of a beastly version of his former self...

Mom: Mmm, no. 

I'm not sure if that's any better.


Squall (Final Fantasy)

Me: Getting into some more Final Fantasy characters, here's Squall. 

Mom: He's got too much of a little boy face. He looks like he's about 17.

Me: Yeah. He might actually be more 15 or 16, but sometimes when Japanese games are localized into English, they might bump up the ages to more reflect our idea of what's legal by making them 17-18. 

Mom: His legs are longer than his body!

I'd say no.

Me: So, too young for ya?

Mom: Waaaaaaaaaaay too young.


Nsync (Final Fantasy)

Me: Final Fantasy XV is coming out soon enough and I wanted to get your opinion on, actually, all the main characters at once. 

They're pretty much a boy band fetishist's dream. The joke around the collective community is that they practically look like a boy band.

Mom: Mmm. That's what they look like. 

Me: Well, from what you can tell from this picture, which do you like? One? All? None?

Mom: (points to the right, first from the middle) He's cute.

Me: Okay. 

And I assume that guy (points to the right, back from the middle) is too young looking for ya?

Mom: That's, yeah, er... no. Not with that hair. And the color.

Me: And it's the hair with this guy too? (points to middle)

Mom: Yeah. 

Me: There's a lot of that going around in Japanese character design as well. 


Chris Redfield (Resident Evil)

Me: There's actually two versions of Chris Redfield. Here's the older one from the classic era. 

Mom: Mmhm. 

(throws hands up) I guess!

Me: Well, here's his Resident Evil 5 and 6 model. On steroids, basically.

Mom: (chuckles) Yeah.

Me: Too big for ya? Not into muscles?

Mom: Not that big! That's like Arnold Schwarzenagger big!

Me: He's bigger than Arnold Schwarzenagger!

Mom: Or The Rock. That's almost too much!

Me: Well, the face. What about the face? 

Mom: Yeah!


Leon Kennedy (Resident Evil)

Me: Here's Leon from the same franchise. 

Mom: I remember him from the movie!

Me: Did he look like that at all? 

Mom: Ehh, kind of.

Me: You like 'em here?

Mom: Yeah!

Me: The hair too pretty boyish for ya?

Mom: Yeah, but just as long as it's not overboard.


Danny (Game Grumps, Ninja Sex Party, Starbomb, etc.)

Me: Surprise! This one's real. His name's Danny, most famous probably from Game Grumps.

Mom: No!

Me: Too young for ya? The hair? 

Mom: Everything. 

Me: (laughs)

Me: Nothin'?

Mom: Well, he's not ugly.

Me: No. 

He's sort of a whacky, fun dude. Stupid humor can be his thing.

Mom: And personality sometimes makes up for everything.

Me: Of course! Long-standing relationships just about require a good personality. 

Mom: Looks don't always matter. 

As your grandma always told me, "You should marry your best friend.". I thought she was crazy!


Jacob (Mass Effect)

Me: I wanted to find a decent African American character to showcase. Unfortunately, there aren't many centralized African American, Hispanic, etc. characters in general. But, here's one. Name's Jacob from Mass Effect. 

Mom: (nods head) Mmhmm!

Me: He's a very fit dude. A military man. Very stern and to the point. "Hoorah!" and all that. 

Mom: That's okay. 

Yeah. Nice lookin' guy. 

Me: To the best of my recollection, most, if not all, these human characters were modeled off actual people. So, it's not super weird!

Mom: Okay!

Me: With that said...


Thane (Mass Effect)

Me: He's actually an alien, but he's... human-esque. Here's Thane from Mass Effect.

He's a tragic character. Told to the player that he is potentially to die very soon, he's now trying to simply do all that he can for the greater good before that time may come. A very sweet, gentle, soft spoken character. 

But, well, he's an alien. Not your type?

Mom: No! (chuckles)

Me: (laughs) Okay!

... couldn't even maybe get past the alien looks? If he were a nice g-...

Mom: No!

Me: Okay, okay!


MaleShep (Mass Effect) 

Me: Back to human characters, this is the main male character from Mass Effect. Named Shepard.

Mom: Yeah!

Me: Depending on how you play, you can have him be an asshole, a middle ground guy, or a nice guy. So, I suppose his attitude doesn't really matter at that point. 

Purely based off physical appearance...

Mom: Yeah!


James Sunderland (Silent Hill)

Mom: Yeah!

Me: He's a broken character. 

You wouldn't care if he were the type of guy to come to you about his problems, maybe cry a bit... just be generally emotional? 

Mom: No.

Me: You don't care? 

Mom: No, I would care!

I mean, to a point.

Me: He's just a depressed character. His wife died, then he gets a note from who might be his dead wife, possibly crazy...

Mom: That's a loooooot of emotional baggage. No. 


Troy Baker (everything)

Me: Another actual person. 

This is one of the people I met at Comic-Con last year, Troy Baker.

Mom: Hmmm... cute. Pretty boy.

Me: I think he looks better with a beard, so...

Mom: That's a nice looking guy!

Me: Like 'em better with the beard?

Mom: Yeah!


Salvador (Borderlands)

Me: Here is a more cartoon-y character. Name's Salvador from Borderlands. Another short dude, but he's not ugly...

Mom: Not for me. 

Me: The beard? The hair? Short stature? 

Mom: Yeeeah. 

Me: Everything? 

Mom: Evvvverything.

Me: (laughs)

Me: Nothin'?

Mom: No. He looks like a troll. 


Faust (Guilty Gear)

Me: How do you feel about men with bags over their heads?

Mom: ............


Yeah, no.


Ratchet (Ratchet & Clank)

Me: You remember me playing Ratchet & Clank? 

Mom: (knows what's coming) (chuckle) Yeeesss.

Me: How do you feel about anthropomorphic characters? Ratchet!

Mom: ... other than being cute...

Me: Nothin'? 

Mom: I caaaaan't say.

Me: Some actually find characters like these sexually attractive.

Mom: And, hey, that's them!

Me: Yeah! (nervous) More power to 'em! 

(inner conflict)


Captain Qwark (Ratchet & Clank)

Me: Okay, fine. Here's a human from the same series. He's just a very exaggerated figure. Named Captain Qwark.

Mom: He looks like someone that would probably make me laugh...

Me: Yeah...

Me: Eh? 

Mom: Can't say it does anything for me. The nothin'!

Me: He's an egotisical sort of guy, but not straight up evil or even kind of evil. At least, not now he isn't. He just simply thinks more of himself, trying to be the hero he's made himself out to be. 

So, physically and attitude, not your type?

Mom: (shakes head)

Me: Alright!


Dr. Nefarious (Ratchet & Clank)

Mom: Oh! I know him!

But... from where? 

Me: Probably from Ratchet & Clank, which I played a lot of when I was younger.

Dr. Nefarious is an evil mastermi-... well, not a "mastermind". He's sort of a clutz. But, he is evil. (impersonates) Sounds kind of like this! (end) And he thinks he's great, but he's not so great. Gets things done, but it always blows up in his face. 

Mom: Nooooo.

Me: Well, just imagine flesh over those robot parts, then maybe... (I forgot to show her his human form)

Mom: No!

Me: (laughs)


Peppy Hare (Star Fox)

Me: You sure on the anthro characters? Peppy Hare?

Mom: (minor frustration) They're cute!

Me: Alright!

I was hoping you'd surprise me and say "Oh! I'd do that!". 

Mom: Ugh. Nice. 


Monkey (Enslaved: Odyssey to the West)

(Note: I could swear Monkey was actually part monkey and had a tail. I realized far too late that I was way off. I even played the game! Agh!)

Me: Well, how about half-animal, half-human characters? Here's Monkey from Enslaved. 

Mom: Got a cute face...

Me: The tail wouldn't bother ya?

Mom: I guess not.

Me: You can't imagine that coming into play in the relationship? Ya know...

Mom: C'mon!

Me: WHAT?!


Adam Jensen (Deus Ex)

Me: Adam Jensen. 

Again, he's the kind of character where you can play good, bad, neutral, so his personality is up in the air.

Mom: Yeah! Cute.

Me: It's weird what you consider "cute", I consider more rugged and masculine. 

Mom: It's just what I like!

Me: That just a word you use willy nilly? 

Mom: Well, alright, "he's a good looking guy". 

Me: Alright then!

And he's augmented. So, he's got heightened perception, strength, durability, and so on. Might wanna take that into consideration. He's probably very much your type. 


ProJared (ProJared)

Me: Another real human! His alias is ProJared.

Mom: Ooooooooh no!

Me: Oh no? (chuckle)

He's got kind of a Steve Buscemi charm about 'em. 

Mom: I'm sure that makes him very funny, but as far as looks...

Me: And he is a funny guy! He's a game reviewer. He's a pretty funny guy, yeah.

Me: Not even in his best pictures, a liiiiiittle bit? 

Mom: Mmm, can't say that. 

Me: Oh, okay. 

Mom: No offense to 'em.


Isaac Clarke (Dead Space)

Me: Now, this is somebody you probably want to, emotionally, stay clear of. Name's Isaac from Dead Space. 

Mom: Ehhhhhh... not too bad. 

Me: He even looks pretty emotionally distressed in this picture.

Mom: Looks pretty much mental in that picture. 

Me: He... he has a reason for being crazy because of what happens in the first game, but yeah. He is crazy. 

Mom: Yeeeeah. 

Me: He wouldn't kill ya, but he'd probably cry during sex.

Mom: Emotionally unstable?

Me: Oh yeah. 

So, again, too much emotional baggage? 

Mom: Yep. I've got too much of my own stuff to deal with. I don't need someone else's. 

Me: Well, not to say you wouldn't at all help out someone, emotionally, if they needed it.

Mom: I didn't say that!

Me: Alright, alright!


Link (Legend of Zelda)

Me: Nooooow... you may see some child photos...

Mom: (looks dreadfully worried)

Me: ... but, we'll be focusing on adult Link. For obvious reasons.

Mom: Yeeeeah. 

Me: He is a young, pretty boy. But, he is legal! 

Mom: Yeah, I don't do pretty boys. 

See, Janice (mom's friend) is the pretty boy lover. 

Me: That's what I thought! I thought interviewing her would be a lot more interesting!

Mom: She probably would be.

Me: Yeah!... no offense to you.

Me: Nothin'? 

Mom: No. Like I said, he's too much of a pretty boy. 

Me: Okay. 

You wouldn't imagine, maybe, because he's younger that'd mean he was more agile, energetic, fun to be around...

Mom: No!

Me: Fine, geez!


Nathan Drake (Uncharted)

Me: Here's Nathan Drake from Uncharted. 

He's pretty much a carbon copy of Indiana Jones. He's a smart alek, suave...

Mom: Mmhmm! Yeah!

Me: ... he's a treasure hunter, raids tombs, ancient secrets and all that. 

Mom: Sounds good!

Me: Probably would land you a nice bit of comfort. 

Me: So?

Mom: Yeah! Sarcasstic...

Me: You like sarcasstic types?

Mom: That's all I've ever been around is sarcasstic guys! It's probably half my problem. 

Me: (laughs)


Solid Snake (Metal Gear Solid)

Me: Here's Solid Snake from Metal Gear Solid. 

Well, actually, there's another form of him around here. This is him pretty darn old.

Mom: No. 

Me: You're not into gilf's? 

You know what that stands for? 

Mom: No.

Me: Grandpa I'd Like to...

Mom: Nooooooooo!

Me: Okay! (laughs)

Me: Well, here's a younger version of him. 

Actually, I'm not even sure that this is, canonically, Solid Snake. The story deals with different timelines and clones and whatnot, but, either way, it's pretty much him physically.

Mom: No. 

Me: He's a stern sort of dude. Very intelligent and skillful, but not really the kind of guy who'd go out of his way to make you laugh.

Mom: Nope. Nah. 


Waluigi (Mario)

Mom: No. 

Me: No? 

... not even, as you'd say, "cute" for being a cartoon? 

Mom: No. 

Me: Mustache doesn't do anything for ya? 

Mom: Yeah, no. 

Me: The manliner? 

Mom: No!

Me: Okay, okay!


Samus (Metroid)

Me: There's totally a guy under that armor. Where does your mind go? 

Mom: Absolutely not. 

Me: (laughs) 

The face is a mystery! What does he look like?!

Mom: No. 

Me: Your mind doesn't conjure anything? 

Mom: Nah uh. 

Me: You don't have an imagination? 

Mom: ... I'd be afraid to say I did. 

Me: (sigh)

It's a female.

Mom: I was fixin' to say... if I had to take a bet...


Robert Lutece (Bioshock)

Me: Here's Robert Lutece from Bioshock. He is one half of a pair of twins. 

He's a very proper character. Classy, upkept...

Mom: Oh. Nope.

Me: He's humerous, but in an antagonistic fashion. 

Mom: He's got a sourpuss lookin' face. 

Me: Yeah. (chuckle)

Mom: Nooooope. 


Eikichi (Persona)

Me: Another younger character, but his interesting attire may make up for that. Eikichi from Persona. 

Mom: Innnnteresting is to say the least. 

(points to the MC) The other one's cuter. But, he looks like he's about 15!

Me: He doesn't look that young!

Mom: Okay, 17. 

Me: Right. Canonically, I believe, like most other Persona characters, he's 17-18. 

Me: But, ignoring him being too young for you?

Mom: Mmmm... maybe.

Me: Sort of a Marilyn Manson appeal? 

Mom: I'm still laughing about Marilyn Manson being on Sons of Anarchy.


Yosuke (Persona)

Me: From the same series, here's Yosuke.

Too pretty boy?

Mom: Yes. 

Me: He's a ditzy, clumsy character, but...

Mom: And he looks like he's about 14!

Me: (laughs) He's legal, if not 17. 

Mom: He doesn't look it. 

Me: Now, would you date him if you were younger?

Mom: If I were younger, yeah!


Kanji (Persona)

Me: What about Kanji?

Mom: No.

Me: No? 

... no more comments? Just no? 

Mom: Just no.

Me: Hansen will not be pleased.

Mom: Who? 


Frank West (Dead Rising)

Mom: He looks like Chris Pine! (laughs)

Me: (laughs) 

People say he also looks like... oh, that guy. Ghostbusters? 

Mom: ... Dan Aykroyd? 

Me: Yes!

Mom: Yeah, I guess, right there he does. His face is long like his. 

Yeah! He's good. 

Me: Another funny character. Makes ya laugh.

Mom: Yeah!

Me: Adventurous too. Stupid, but still real nice. He's also very versitile. The name of his game is to use anything at all possible in the environment to clobber his enemies. It can range from hotdogs, to CD's, to chairs, so that's something.

Mom: They teach you that in martial arts!

Me: Yeah! You can even learn martial arts in the game. He's perfect!


JonTron (JonTron, Game Grumps)

Me: Another human being. His name is JonTron, or Jon Jafari. 

He's a veeeeeeeeeeery wacky, funny kind of guy.

Mom: Noooooo.

Me: ... fat? 

Mom: Yeah.

Me: Not into fatter guys? 

Mom: It's not necessarily the weight, it's just... no. 

Me: (laughs) Okay. 

Mom: I'm sure he's fun as hell and crazy, but...

Me: Oh, he is! You're just not into especially eccentric types?

Mom: No. That's just a little bit much. 

Me: Again, even physically... no? 

Mom: Nah. Not my type. 


























Niero Gonzales (Destructoid)

Me: This is the head of Destructoid, Niero Gonzales. 

Mom: He's cute.

Me: Okay. 

I'm not sure of his personality, but he's probably a fun guy. He's responsible for a fun website and all. 


Jordan Devore (Destructoid, Saturday Morning Hangover)

Mom: Ehhhhhhhh...


Me: No? 

Mom: Nuh uh. 

Me: Too nerdy lookin'? 

Mom: Yah. 

Me: Too nerdy?!

Mom: Mmhmm. 

Me: The glasses? Red hair? The...

Mom: At least in that picture, yes. Too nerdy lookin'. 

Me: Well...

Me: That one? 

Mom: No. 

Me: Well, alright. 


Dale North (Destructoid)

Me: Here's Dale North, previously of Destructoid.

Mom: Nooo. 

Me: No?

Mom: No. 

Me: Well, he's pretty well-liked around the community for his looks. I'll find a better picture of him.

He's in love with Japanese culture like I am. Also, a thing for corgi's. 

Mom: Mmm no. 

Mom: Well, there he's not too bad lookin'. 

Me: Got a nice smile. 

Mom: His face is so long!

Me: Such a dog lover. 

Mom: Mmhmm.

Me: Doesn't do anything for ya?

Mom: Nooope. Doesn't sell it. 

Me: What do you like more? Dogs or cats?

Mom: Dogs. (looks to our cat) No offense, Summer.


Steven Hansen (Destructoid)

Me: Eh? 

Mom: (chuckles) No. 

Me: Is it the hair... is it...

Mom: Just... doesn't do anything.

Me: Not ugly, though. 

Mom: I didn't say he was ugly! Just not my type. 


Jim Sterling (Destructoid, Podtoid, Jimquisition, Podquisition, Squirty Play, etc.)

Me: Here's the guy you said sounded a lot like Ricky Gervais from that podcast I showed ya. 

Mom: Yeah! He sounded just like 'em!

Me: Physically, not your type? 

... uhhhhh. It's... with all due respect to Sterling, it's hard to find a picture of him that isn't intended to be stupid or dramatic. 

Mom: Yeah, they all look pretty stupid!

Me: (chuckles)

Mom: (glances to Google search) ... is that... Willem Dafoe? 

Me: Yes! A thing of his, previously, on Podtoid was this idea of Willem Dafoe movie pitches. Go to Hell Monkey Adams, District Dafoe...

Mom: (laughs) I love Willem Dafoe! (laughs)

Me: I'm trying very hard to find a good, legitmate picture of him. 

I... guess this is close enough.

Mom: No. 

Mom: I'm sure he's funny as hell, but no. 

Me: He is! He is hilarious. 

Mom: And, yes, he's sounds like Ricky Gervais. 


Chris Carter (Destructoid)

Mom: He's cute. 

He looks like Nick Lachey. 

Me: Who's that?

Mom: He used to be married to Jessica Simpson. 

Me: Oh my!


Jonathan Holmes (Destructoid, 'Sup Holmes, Samus and Sagat, Podtoid, etc.)

Me: Just one more. 

Jonathan Holmes! There he is, makin' a wacky smile. 

Mom: I hate the thumbs up pose! I don't know what it is...

Me: (laughs) You hate thumbs up pictures? 

Mom: I don't get it. I just think they're so stupid. 

(Sorry, Randy!)

Me: Or the dreaded "duck face".

Mom: Or that too!

Me: Okay, okay. Here's a more flattering image of him then.

Mom: Maybe it's that stupid Career Point commercial that really made me hate it. 

Me: Eh? 

Mom: Nah. 

Me: Not really?!

Mom: No. 

Me: I think he's a good lookin' guy!

Mom: He's kind of cute there, but... mmm. 


Me: Is it his baldness? 

Mom: No! 'Cause I like bald guys, and he's not really bald.

Me: You find almost-bald awkward or what?

Mom: He's just losing his hair. He can't help it! 

Me: He's also pretty well-built. 

(massages the point around his stomach) He's... sort of lost it with his age. 

Mom: Hmm.

Me: That second picture was probably the best you can find of him from these days. 

However, back in his 20's...

Mom: (looks impressed) He's pretty ripped!

He's changed quite a bit. 




I didn't think she'd be so darn picky! I like most of these guys! I expected most of the younger dudes to turn her off, but I'm surprised at the lack of affection for Varric or Monkey. And no Holmes?! Oh well. I'd definitely take them all to bed and let them do all the work. Oh yeah!

What's your take on some of these guys? All of them?! Whoa! Slow down! 


2:59 AM on 05.15.2015

Bethesda will close out their E3 conference with a bang

Bethesda is likely one of the few large game studios that still pull in a lot of good graces with the community. They fully support fan works and mods, their games are worth their price and then some (inevitable bugs aside), they don't annaulize, they know how to do DLC right, they know when to keep their mouth shut, and they actually do try new things every now and again (The Evil Within, Dishonored). 

They've gotten so large, in fact, and they (probably) have so many projects going on at the moment that they feel a whole E3 conference devoted to them is warranted. That's exciting! Somebody's gotta fill Nintendo's slot, eh? 

That's not all. Rumors are circulating and it looks like we'll finally be seeing the next installment in one of Bethesda's most popular franchises! You know the one. 

It's not just that game I'm looking forward to. Maybe they'll announce Dishonored 2 along with a *cough* "remaster" of the original (I'm not lying, I'd buy it). Doom 4 has just got to be a thing. What about a new Home Alone tie-in? The possibilities are getting me absolutely wet. 

I've been doing a lot of thinking about it lately. It's so close that I can smell it. It's a very satisfying stank. 

It's not just in my head either. The hype is so real that I've gathered a team of top tier video game scientists within my bathroom to put together a humble piece of tech that we, in-house, like to call the "Space-Time Penetration Thing". It not only sports a slide-out grill and stove for cooking all the meat you could ever want to shove down your throat and several convenient USB ports, but it even allows us to see, smell, and hear into THE FUTURE!

Allow me to extend a loving grope upon your butts as I let in all my fellow Dtoiders on an exclusive first-look and spoilerific peak into Bethesda's E3 2015 conference. This is no "leak" or wishlist, this is the real deal.

The on-board drone has launched and reached 88 mph. Future-time sync is established. Let's prop up the 20-inch, tube display and see what's happenin'!


It's mostly black, but... oh! We're starting to get a clear visual. 

Oh snap. Dishonored 2: Master of Disguise looks really awesome! I love that we now get to possess the minds of not only our enemies but their furniture as well. The armrest strangling that guard in the tight bell bottoms was the best part.

And, of course, we get a Dishonored: Glossier and Also Complete and Sometimes GOTY Edition. Sadly, about all that's new in this iteration is the Carnival Mode which turns all enemies into hideous clowns that laugh and honk their noses whenever you're spotted. But, I'm sure it'll land them some profit. I'll help with that. It does look pretty good. 

Doom 4, now simply titled DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!, seems to have undergone some changes since it's teaser trailer some time ago and it's behind closed doors reveal. It's surprisingly vibrant. Just as blood 'n' gory, mind you. Most strange is that the enemies are now classic Nintendo characters like Kirby, Link, Metroid, Mario, as well as some larger enemies like a Glass Joe/King Hippo hybrid beast inspired by Punch-Out. The unsettling faces of shareholders and depressing sales charts litter the walls while the iconic Super Mario theme tune plays in reverse with sound spikes signaling horde spawns. 

It's a definite change of pace, to be sure. Whether it will work out for them in the end remains to be seen. I do know one thing, though: Game journalists will love it. 

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Evil Within released a while ago. Yeah, there's still some DLC. I guess that's nice. Of course, it's now being sold to us episodically. That's weird. 

Now we're going into sales figures, quirky jabs at #GamerGate, and... is that The Elder Scrolls Kinect?! Jesus blooming Christ. This is getting pretty awful. 


But, wait. The Elder Scrolls Kinect trailer is cut short and...



There's a radio playing the Ink Spots! It's just like that thing they did! Oh-... oh my god, I'm so happy! Yes!!!

It's zooming out further! The anticipation! I'm melting like a snowcone in Phoenix. 

Okay, this is definitely not just a rerelease of Fallout 3. This is something new! 

Somebody restrain me because I may actually try leaping into the display. 

.... wait. 

This... looks familiar somehow. But, I can't put my finger on wh-

Oh no. 










... w-w-what just happened? WHERE'S THE DISPLAY? Is this still the trailer?
































































4:30 PM on 05.05.2015

AMA: See more of Seymour

I know you're not tired of these. 

I was just going to enjoy everyone else's AMA, maybe even get some gift ideas for my aunt's birthday, but since so many have already done one by now I almost feel obligated to do one myself. But, a nice sort of obligation. Like a relaxing poo when you've just come home from a Huey Lewis concert. And yes, they played Power of Love. 

[^ 69 words, yo]

Well, go on and ask me anything. That's how this works, right? Nothing is off-limits, but I can't prove that what I'm saying is the gospel truth. I may tell you my favorite game is The Last Of Us when it's really Sonic Heroes. I might give you life advice that "inadvertently" leads into an awkward misunderstanding which lands in you in the drunk tank for several nights. I'm like a birthday goodie bag or box of chocolates, so ask at your own risk. 

Preferred Topics:

1. Video games

2. Midna

3. Farts

4. Music

5. Cannibal otters



11:16 AM on 04.30.2015

Happy thoughts! Happy thoughts!

DLC gougingStudio closings? Needless controversy? Community quarrelsSuicides (seriously, RIP)?! Also, no Kanji?! 

Can you believe it? Video games aren't always happy. As great as they can be, the industry surrounding them is a big hunk of doody (that'd be an interesting direction for Activision to take) a lot of the time. Hell, even the community can be particularly toxic and, in the age of The Internet, it's sometimes very hard to escape when we just wanna tweet at or IM our friends/family or maybe watch some hilarious John Oliver skits on YouTube. 

I once made a quirky "unboxing" video of Battlefield: Bad Company around when that released and I had comment after comment peeved at the audacity of someone being unfunny. I'm very sure your time isn't so precious that wasting just a few short minutes of it is worth that very nasty comment. 

In these 7-8 years, things haven't changed at all. If anything, it's gotten worse. Ugh.

We all love Donut Drake. But, if he were real, imagine the struggle. 

I no longer believe this is a natural transitional phase. The Internet simply gives far too many opportunities for assholes to be assholes. Until we have the perfect set of tools in place to avoid as much as of this terrible behavior as possible, the Internet will continue being a double-edged sword. 

Whenever that day comes, it'll probably be a while. This is why it'll do you a lot of good to keep positive, you idiot. Here's a few things to remind you how this industry can be as often awesome as it is woeful, from your friendly neighborhood husbando strongman (I really should take down that awkward picture of me in the top right)




The Butthole Surfers were once in a video game 

Recently, I was reminded of this and I couldn't help but smile. A rush of nostalgia swept over me and I had to dig deeper. So, much of my time spent listening to music these past couple weeks has been spent listening to their Independent Worm Saloon and Electriclarryland albums. Now aren't those just fantastic album titles?

They're sort of punk/post-rock (whatever that means), though not always. They can do very soft traditional rock and as well as some other odd experimental nonsense. They aren't one-trick ponies. I do tend to fall in love with bands that have a clear groove, but who aren't afraid to try something new every now and again. Even if it's just to flex their ability as musicians. 

The original studio cut, naturally, is considerably better.

Your body must be ready for My Brother's Wife. 


Blizzard eventually fixed Diablo 3 and it's now a really fine game

While launch-day woes are, sadly, now almost commonplace amongst online-centric titles, it's probably safe to say that nothing has been quite as bad as what happened with either Diablo 3 or SimCity. Not only were there awful connection issues, but their online-only requirements were completely arbitrary and did much more harm to loyal consumers than strongarmed justice to those scurvy pirates.

EA took off the online-only requirements for SimCity some time ago, but SimCity has remained (from what I hear) a very mediocre experience. What did Blizzard do, though? They removed the Auction House that was crippling the very notion of the game's genre, they provided offline play through the very awesome console ports, and, to top it all off, they also have been carefully patching in smaller fixes and new content on a regular basic. To this day, new stuff is being added and that's pretty swell. 

Should they provide offline play for PC players? Yes. Seriously. But, to say that Blizzard hasn't been trying would be plain untrue. Over this past year or so, Blizzard has restored a large handful of my faith in AAA gaming and I really hope we see more actions like these being taken by publishers/developers in the coming months/years. Their upcoming titles don't look too shabby either.


Jim Sterling is on the case

Oh no! Steam's run amuck! There is so much shit to trudge through on a daily basis! Where's all the good games? What the hell is this?! There's no executable file! WHERE'S MY MONEY BACK?! What ever will we do?!

What little curation Steam's Greenlight and Early Access pages have gotten is likely thanks to our former D-toid contributor Jim Fucking Sterling Son. He's still going at it with his (now completely indie) Jimquisition series, but lately he's found a new calling in his YouTube LP's. These videos have led to many opening their eyes to not only Steam's lackluster services but the potential for indie game developers to be just as bad as (if not worse than) some in the AAA market. 

The pitty parties and grudges these developers can hold never cease to amaze me. That they can so willfully exploit the good graces of the indie community pisses me off. That they remain ignorant of the basics of game design and do little outside purchasing assets to use in their cobbled together messes to sell for upwards for 10-20 dollars is astounding. 

However, that we have a rather large (heh) saving grace within such a cesspool is at least slightly reassuring. 

I had to stop typing to watch this wonderful stage play yet again.

If Valve ever get their head out of their asses in regards to Greenlight and Early Access, you'll know who to thank. Jim rightly deserves a pully for all the hard work he's done to make sure the games industry is just a little bit less crappy.


The Zelda Rap

I couldn't have done any better myself. 


We're in a time where dreadfully imperfect and/or underdog games can be a success

Now, this is the part of the Internet that makes me very very happy. 

Back when, if a game wasn't being commercialized, it needed good reviews. If it wasn't getting good reviews, then you'd need all the luck you could get if you wanted your hard work to pay off. This was the sad truth of game development once upon a time and without easy access to the world at large or at least some sort of magical video distrubution network, there was no way to tell if it was best to ignore the bad press and take the plunge. Whatever gems you may have found were mostly up to chance and likely still so many gems lay dead in generations past.

These days? The people love Deadly Premonition, despite it's initially lackluster reviews. Indie releases can easily sell in the hundreds of thousands or even millions. Hell, Minecraft, a game (that was far from finished, mind you) that gained it's popularity through literally nothing but word of mouth and YouTube, has gone on to be one of the most successful video games of all time! Nevermind all that, it's just now so much easier to find games to look forward to and then enjoy that would have otherwise drifted way under your radar.

And it's all thanks to the Internet and digital distrubution. 

This shit here is even getting a movie!

I would have never fallen so deeply in love with horror games. Games that focused on experimentation or pure storytelling, I would have scoffed at. And, most of all to me, considering their niche appeal, I don't know if I would have ever picked up a Shin Megami Tensei game had one of my e-friends never decided to play Persona 4's Like A Dream Come True over our online game of Left 4 Dead (I used to have a video of this moment up on YT, but I guess I deleted it) and now it's probably my favorite franchise of games. 

Digital distrubution, specifically, doing away with the middleman has opened up all sorts of wonderful doors for video games and the industry wouldn't be anywhere near as exciting without it. I do love my physical releases, but I can't ignore all the good the Internet and digital releases have done for gaming as a whole. 



Check this out...

The right commentator can make even the shittiest of games entertaining

If you've been around Destructoid here or there for some time, you'll probably know I'm a huge fan of Cr1TiKaL. To describe him in as concisely of a way as possible, he has the mind of a scholar but the mouth of a sailor (and a heart of pure gold). Tasteful buzzwords like 'nipples', 'asscheeks', and 'anus' sprinkled amongst such colorful commentary as:

"Is this some type of ancient bigfoot mummifaction ritual... or are these two bigfeet just warming up for an assing competition?"

"If getting attacked by trees made your nipples cold, my nipples would have achieved absolute zero." 

"Of course I don't make it over when I really need to, so now I have to watch this cat get clobbered by the forbidden anus of a sunken ship again."

"Where did he go? How did he escape if he was unconcious? What was he doing up here? So many questions, but there is only one logical answer: The airvents through the party and, just then, he was receiving a blowjob from the airvents as a souvenier."

And delivered in the manner they're delivered in fills me with such profound joy. 

As easy as it is to assume the contrary, YouTube LP's aren't all panderish hoots and hollers. If Cr1TiKaL isn't your style, I've also been recently enjoying Cox and Credor's Outlast playthrough and especially Retsuparue's Darkseed 2 post-commentary. All worth a laugh or two in case you're in the mood for settling into an afternoon of YouTube marathoning. 


Clefable with pancakes

Might be the cuddliest thing you see all week. 


Miracle Of Sound

When I haven't been listening to The Butthole Surfers, I've been listening to Miracle Of Sound. He's been around for quite some time and he's one hell of a musician. He's also a huge nerd like us all here, so most of his music pertains to video games. I don't always gel with his lyrics or vocals, but he's amazingly talented nonetheless. Tackling a plethora of genres and with solid results, sometimes even outdoing a game's original soundtrack. 

Speaking of which, A Dog's Life, I love everything about. I first listened to it outside the context of the above video via Spotify and even then I knew it had to have been about The Wolf Among Us. It's a fittingly grim, synth-centric track that really makes me wanna replay the game despite my ho-hum feelings on the actual playing of it. 

One of his more interesting tracks, to be sure. 

Unrelated to video games, he recently released a really fucking awesome heavy metal album that you should definitely give a listen if you're into that sort of thing. 


Butt jiggle physics

There is seriously not enough of this. 


The latest Mario Kart 8 DLC turned out splendidly 

3 new characters, 4 new vehicles, and a whopping 8 tracks together in one pack for just 8 dollars? Why not round it up to 10? Charge 15-20 like everyone else? Exclude DLC from the season pass? Wait WHAT?! 200cc difficultly across all cups... FOR FREE?! What do you think you are DOING Nintendo?! Think of all the EA, WB, Capcom, Activision, and Ubsoft execs that would have literally killed for DLC this good but would have valued so much higher! No wonder the Wii U is so deep in the hole!

Nintendo may be behind the times a bit, but is that so bad when you consider what is now generally "with it"? Fuck no. It's depressing to say, but I love that I can actually count on Nintendo to give almost zero fucks about pre-orders (for better or for worse), to provide me with a working game at launch, and to put out post-launch content that entices rather than gouges or exploits. They haven't yet taken the piss and I really hope that trend continues. Continues to provide another example of DLC done right. Companies like Nintendo, CD Projekt Red, Bethesda, and Rockstar (at least when it comes to single player) know what's up. 

From personal experience thus far, I really love Super Bell Subway. Straightforward though multi-layered tracks are typically amongst my favorites (my favorite of the previous DLC pack was easily the Excitebike track). I also don't remember Ribbon Road being so awesome! Guess because I never realized drifting was an essential strategy in Mario Kart until I got MK7 (doh!). And the music that plays after the finish line on the Animal Crossing track? So lovely. So, so lovely. The music, in general, they have put so much work into. They went above and beyond with these DLC's. 

It's now very hard to pick anyone but Isabelle. I have her riding on Dry Bowser's bike with humongous tires and it's just adorable. 



On the horizon...

Mad Max

What at first looked tremendously dull now seems so incredible to me. Fallout + Arkham + vehicular combat? I want it THIS much!

I absolutely love the Rockstar Developer Diary approach to gameplay showcases. It shows confidence in the company's work and gives me a good idea of what the experience will be like without seeking alternative sources of information. Catchy, minute-long, cinematic montages are cool and all, but that tells me so little about the actual game part of your fucking video game. Sequel or not, I wanna see some goddamn gameplay!


SMT x Fire Emblem (Illusory Relevations #FE)

HOLY SHIT IT'S ALIVE! It's back with a new stupid working title that I hope will be changed considerably before it's localization, but YEAH WOO IT'S ALIVE!

Like many have said, it is not at all what I was expecting from this "SMT x Fire Emblem" concept. I expected something much darker. Something more in-line with SMT proper than Persona. Actually, Persona isn't even this poppy. This trailer came straight out of left field and I didn't even think it could possibly be this "SMT x Fire Emblem" until I saw the title splash.

With that said, it does still look absolutely gorgeous and I thoroughly dig the music. To that, perhaps looks can be deceiving. Maybe they handpicked the lighter elements of the game to draw in more of the casual crowd. Who knows? I just wanna try it for myself already! Nevermind Routine, SOMA, or Narcosis, this has been the true test of patience!



Oh hey! Speaking of which, almost 2 years ago, this video released showing off indie horror title Routine and it got me monumentally excited!

Since then, we've heard so little about it and it's making me paranoid. Not to say the developers haven't been keeping up with the updates as their last one was as recent as last month, but that last one was not until about 6-7 months of complete silence. For a game that looks as good as this, that is so painful! Same goes for the aforementioned Narcosis and SOMA, two other excellent-looking indie horror titles that we hear so little about and so slowly. 

That's one of the advantages of the indie scene, I suppose. That you can take as much as time as you need to make sure your group's vision is met. Surprisingly, these games don't seem to have lost much relevance since their debuts, so I guess they really know how to get people staying interested with what little they do eventually show.

Man, I don't even know if my computer will be up for the task. I have the worst luck with PC gaming, even with my "gaming" notebook that released just a few short years ago. At least SOMA will supposedly have a PS4 port.


Zelda Wii U

The promise of a new 3D Zelda, alone, is enough to warrant hype from me. Nintendo seems to have learned from it's mistakes with Skyward Sword and it's resounding successes with A Link Between Worlds and is, ideally, about to grace us with the best Zelda to date! All that could assure my purhcase any further would be talks of Midna as a returning companion character. 

Heck, I think a mere cameo or easter egg would be enough for me.

While what little direct footage we've seen of the upcoming Zelda title looks incredibly rough and almost completely void of anything at all interesting, I trust Nintendo to iron all of that out in time for a true reveal and it will be amazing. 


Persona 5

It's been too long since I've last watched this trailer. I'm tearing up with joy just hearing those first few seconds of music! IT'S GOING TO BE SO BEAUTIFUL! ;A;

I probably talk too much about Shin Megami Tensei. Namely, Persona. But, I can't help it. They're such powerful games in both story and gameplay. I hadn't even scratched the surface of Persona 4 and my hype for it was unreal. I was floored by it's quality and since then I have been completely entranced by much of the franchise otherwise. They have the perfect balance of story and gameplay, with the mechanics around said story and gameplay being tremendously solid. Witnessing the new stories that Persona 5 will provide as well as getting a feel for how it evolves the gameplay will be a defining moment for me as a gamer. 

I'm trying to stay realstic. Thing is, I can't always tell if I'm doing just that or not. That's how much Persona has meant to me. If Persona 3 and 4 and even Catherine (to an extent) are anything to go by, I'm going to be in heaven once this baby releases. I sincerely hope it meets my expectations. 




So, how is it that you keep positive? Play your favorite games? Plug your ears, shut your eyes, scream, and pretend everything is just fine? Clobber yourself with a blunt object until the bad men stop? What's are some good things you'd like to share with me? It can be anything!


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