As the title says, here you will get the one and only totally unbiased opinion about Valve’s Left 4 Dead 2. We all know far too well that there are two very strong extreme groups of people about this game. We’ve got the hoards of people who think Left 4 Dead 2 is a great thing and will buy it probably because they think Valve can never ever do wrong, which I believe is known as the Jim Sterling Empire. Then we’ve got the other extreme in the form of the 17,000 people who have formally protested along with an unknown silent group of others who may agree with them, we shall call this group the Republic of People Who Like Left 4 Dead A Little Too Much. In short, we have The Empire versus The Republic. Caught in the middle is Valve, who is currently on the side of the Empire but knows that they shouldn’t turn a blind eye to the Republic. Both of these groups are strongly for their different stances, but are so devoted to them that their fanatical interests make them seem eerily similar.

So, why is my opinion the only true unbiased end-all opinion about everything going on with Left 4 Dead 2? The answer is simple.

I don’t give a damn about either of these pissed off groups, Left 4 Dead, Valve, or Left 4 Dead 2. In truth, the first Left 4 Dead was a rather mediocre shooter that got attention because; it had 4-player cooperative play, had Valve’s name on it, and could spawn enemies from more than one place. *Gasp!* Look at that unique innovation folks! Left 4 Dead was pretty much an updated mod from an older, and better, Valve game that uses the exact same engine. To continue the Star Wars comparison I’m the Yuzoong Vong right now because I don’t care about the Empire, Republic, or anything else in this Left 4 Dead society because I’m not even inside the damn galaxy right now. My opinion is all that matters because I’m completely detached from the situation and hate everything equally.

I am the law!



The judge is here and it’s time to resolve this case. The judge brings forth the plaintiffs, the Republic of Whiney Bitches Playing Left 4 Dead and the defendants, The Jim Sterling Empire Who Pointlessly Throw Money At Valve’s Feet.

*Both parties instantly start complaining about the judge’s mockery of both parties names.*

Silence!

*The judge slams his gavel down onto it’s square block, which coincidently has the one and only copy of Half Life 2: Episode 3 sitting on it. Both parties immediately quit their bitching.*

We’re breaking this entire matter down into a series of cases, whomever I feel has dominance in each matter will eventually win this case, and all bitching will cease and be violators will be subjected to reading Hoborg’s blogs and playing Onechanbara for seven consecutive days. The first matter in this case stems around Valve’s announcement of the game Left 4 Dead 2. The Money Pissing Empire was all happy and had a bunch of stiffies in their pants because Valve released a sequel to a game they played a little too much, and the sequel was released ahead of Valve’s traditional One-Decade-Plan. The Hippy Protest Republic on the other hand was all up in arms because Valve told them that there would be a ton of DLC for the original Left 4 Dead, and a bunch of other pansy shit I don’t feel like reading.

*Both groups immediately begin bitching again, the judge pulls out that one ridiculously huge hand gun from Resident Evil 5 and shoots it up in the air to get everyone’s attention. Each party hushes up again, and Tomonobu Itagaki falls from the ceiling onto the floor behind the judge with a bullet hole right through one of his silly pairs of sunglasses.*

This part of the case is pretty clear, and I really don’t get why there’s such a commotion over it. As evidenced by numerous links through Destructoid member Magnalon, it’s quite evident that Valve has indeed promised to release new content for Left 4 Dead and obviously hasn’t delivered. While there isn’t any guarantee that Valve will or will not follow up on these original promises is yet to be seen, however considering they are working on Left 4 Dead 2 and likely Half Life 2: Episode 3 it seems very possible that resources are going to other places other than original Left 4 Dead content. Oh, and then there’s the fact that the original Left 4 Dead hasn’t even been out for a year yet, hell it’s barely been out half a year and a sequel is already on the way. Common sense simply shows releasing a sequel this soon is just far too fucking early considering the original game hasn’t shown a single sign of getting old.

This matter in the case goes in favor of the Republic.



*Jim Sterling immediately starts making a silly voice and starts saying “WAH WE DON’T LIKE SEQUELS TO GAMES WE LOVE”. In retaliation for sounding like a douche bag, the judge snaps his fingers and four hundred thirty seven copies of the game X-Blades immediately fall on top of Jim, smothering him in a pile of games that he had to cover far too much.*

Alright, lets get to the next matter in this case so I can go do something more fun… like take a shit or something. The Republic states here that releasing Left 4 Dead 2 is going to divide the user base amongst two games instead of one. This really is a stupid reason to protest Left 4 Dead 2, but it’s a reason that has a foundation underneath it. Now for logics sake, a lot of people play the original game right now and if 50% of the population was removed you still wouldn’t have a problem finding 3 other people to play the damn game with. However, there is credibility to this cause despite it’s absurdity. Evidence has shown that sequels or new titles in a similar series that are released too soon can actually provoke a drop off in overall game population. This has been seen as recently as when Call of Duty: World At War was released. The release of World At War took a sizeable chunk away from the Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare community and it really hasn’t recovered since. In fact, the release of World at War had such a tremendous impact on Modern Warfare that it allowed Halo 3 to regain the top spot on Xbox Live’s chart of most played games.

This matter in the case goes in favor of the Republic as well.

*The pro-Valve Empire sissies start complaining that the judge is biased, the judge immediately holds up his gavel as if he was to strike at the copy of Episode 3 again. The entire room gasps and hushes up, Jim Sterling’s arm shoots out from the pile of X-Blades discs desperately reaching out to stop the unreleased game from the judge’s unbiased and unwavering wrath.*

Okay, what’s this next ridiculous gripe about the game? Oh, here it is. The Republic also contests that all of the stuff in Left 4 Dead 2 could easily have been released as downloadable add-ons for the original Left 4 Dead. My view of it is that, yeah this stuff really could have been released as DLC for the original game. I mean really, all that’s new in L4D2 is a melee system and to that I say “Whoopitty Fucking Doo! You’ve added something into a FPS that’s been around since GoldenEye, congratu-fucking-lations Valve!”. L4D2 simply has re-skinned characters, new maps, a couple new guns, and has daylight in it.

*The Republic Fanatics start cheering like the judge is going to award them another small victory.*

BUT!

*All of the windows in the courtroom immediately shatter and explode, simply because the judge’s booming voice is that awesome.*

Even if these new things were released as downloadable content for the original game, since you people will slobber up anything Valve throws in front of you, it probably would have totaled up to such a high cost that it would probably be the same price as buying a whole new damn game in the first place! So the Republic’s entire part of this case revolves around throwing the same amount of money at one thing as apposed to a few different things! Do you all realize how stupid that sounds!

This matter goes to the Empire! Because saying you don’t want to pay for one thing but will pay money for the same thing in a different spot is stupid.



*The Republic Of Whiney Nerds starts to get angry with the judge again. The judge frowns angrily and link to Hoborg’s latest failblog entry spontaneously pops up above his head with a mouse hovering over it, just daring you to click on it and want a few minutes of your life back.*

In the end we come down to the overall reason this case has become such a matter that it required me to give attention to you zombie loving Zoey pervs. Whether or not Valve should release Left 4 Dead 2 or not, and just keep working on the original game. Well, you know what? Valve really shouldn’t have announced Left 4 Dead 2 especially since the original hasn’t even been out for a year, a bunch of DLC was promised for it, and we still don’t have Half Life 2: Episode 3 yet. In short what Valve did was pretty much a total dickhead move, not as much as what Activision/Blizzard is doing to Double Fine productions but a dick move nonetheless. But you know what everybody!? It’s their company and they can do whatever the fuck they want. If you don’t like it, go make your own better version of Left 4 Dead and not release a sequel for it and make DLC from here till the end of days. Otherwise, quit your bitching because you’ll probably buy Left 4 Dead 2 anyways despite all of the complaining you may have done. And if you’re part of the Empire of Morons who thinks Valve is completely right for doing this, get a fucking clue.

Nobody wins this case!



THIS CASE IS DISMISSED! COURT IS ADJOURNED!

*The judge stands up, rips his desk in half, and pulls out two lightsabers from his pockets. He throws the lightsabers up towards the ceiling cutting a huge hole in the roof which topples down over all of the Republic and Empire whiney bitches. The judge immediately flexes all of the muscles on his body and his skin rips open, revealing an identical but slightly smaller version of the exact same judge wearing a luchador mask. The judge immediately flies through the hole in the ceiling towards the heavens; were Jesus, Godzilla, and Abraham Lincoln await his arrival to drink glorious Jack Daniels.*