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Who am I? I'm a guy who plays video games, talks way too much about comics and movies, likes Godzilla and Robocop, and lives up in Wisconsin. And yes. We get that much snow. Why should you read my blog? Because when I write I have fun, make up bullshit lists, and when I do get a little serious with some blogs I try to be insightful and use resources and facts to try and back up my opinion as much as I can. And if you don't follow my blog, I'll send you a picture of a sad kitten who wants some love.

Also, I tend to debate a lot and get up on a soapbox a bit from time to time. I like to debate for the sake of debating and I tend to find it fun to get other peoples perspectives on things, and sometimes I like to play devil's advocate a bit just for the sake of it. Basically, don't take me so serious sometimes even if it seems like I am being serious.

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It’s my public duty to fill the necessity for a third entry of these blogs, thus fulfilling the trilogy that the previous two blogs set up before this (although my second blog of this is somehow screwed up, thanks Beta.Destructoid). Though, hopefully, unlike almost every trilogy in existence I will defy the odds and deliver a third entry that will actually live up to its lofty expectations. Thus, a good third one of these blogs will, in fact, satisfy all seven of you who actually care that this blog exists, and the whole three of you reading this right now. I also seem to have an odd habit of making lots of lists, usually in some sort of format involving fives. So, to Niero or any DToid staff that may be reading this, if you need a free writer who specializes in “completely arbitrary bullshit top –insert number here- lists” please shoot me a message.

5 - The Punisher


This generation of games has been very, very, shooter heavy. It sure feels like every other game is either a first or third person shooter, or some open-world game full of more shooting. Then we have the good old Marvel Comics character The Punisher, probably Exhibit A in “comic book characters who just can’t catch a break”. In terms of movie adaptations he’s had three lackluster attempts; the first with Dolph Lundgren which was so bad he couldn’t even wear the skull shirt, the second had a good cast and a good punisher (Thomas Jane) but was off in the writing the department, the third movie felt like a bad knockoff of the pre-Nolan Batman movies except with guns. In terms of games the Punisher hasn’t fared much better, you could argue his 2005 outing from THQ was respectable but most would agree that it wasn’t anything to write home about.

The formula to The Punisher is pretty damn simple; people are bad, Punisher shoots them the f*ck up. Hell I have a Punisher skin for Just Cause 2 and that simple cosmetic change nearly completes what I’d want in a Punisher title, all it needs is Frank Castle getting more pissed at people and being a tad more badass.

4 - Jack Burton


Have you seen Big Trouble in Little China starring Kurt Russell and a bunch of Asian dudes? If not, you should. It has kind of a slow middle section but the finale more than makes up for it. Jack Burton kind of reminds me of Nathan Drake + Duke Nukem in some ways, except with a name more awesome then either of those two names. Goes to gun fights with knives, sees someone punch a gun so hard it fucking explodes and doesn’t run, and shoots at crazy shit with the mantra of “you never know until you try”. He’s also a trucker who talks all the time on his CV radio. Sounds like Grade-A video game character material for me. Is there any remote chance in hell of Burton getting any sort of video game treatment? Oh sweet hell no, Big Trouble in Little China is a cult-classic at best. But hey, we can dream can’t we?

3 - The Predator


I’ve been playing through the new AvP lately and the Predator missions made me realize that a dedicated Predator game, if done well, would be pretty badass. You’re a stealthy super hunter who comes to Earth because humans are apparently “sizeable game”. You are so bad ass that you can make Jesse Ventura, the Terminator, and Apollo Creed all shit their pants simultaneously because you’re the fucking boss. What the fuck is not awesome about that?

A great Predator game, in my opinion, needs to be a stealth game above all else and needs to hinge on stealth to keep the player alive and not turn into some kind of hack-and-slash festival once the cloaking device turns off. Remember, in the original Predator film the Predator himself isn’t actually seen until a good ways into the film because he’s a stealthy motherfucker and good at it. Now you might be thinking “But the Predator has all of these high tech kick-your-ass devices, why does he need to hide like Solid Snake?”. The answer to that is pretty simple, despite their fancy tech the Predators are still pretty frail aliens with durability slightly higher than a human thus they can die pretty easily. They also have bright fluorescent green blood that stands out like nobody’s business, so when your primary device is an invisibility cloak you don’t really want to be gushing out bright light stick fluid at the same time.

Imagine Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory except instead of Sam Fisher you play as a Predator. You still need to keep yourself relatively concealed despite your cloaking, you need to be careful, you need to divide and conquer because running in guns blazing will get you killed. Mix in some building/jungle climbing mechanics similar to what the inFamous games use and you have what I would use to make a good Predator game. Also, keep Xenomorphs (aka Aliens) away from this game and focus it on a Predator fucking around with humans. As cool as the Xenomorphs are, they negate most of the Predator’s tech and stealth stuff so it would end up making the game rather un-fun.

2 - Captain Jean-Luc Picard & The USS Enterprise-D


With all of the meat-beating that’s been going on regarding the, undoubtedly really good, reboot of the Star Trek franchise another great piece of Trek history has been kind of forgotten at the wayside. Star Trek: The Next Generation I would argue is a superior series to the original in every way shape and form; it stayed on the air over twice as long, had better story arcs, better actors, a generally better overall universe, better high moments as a series (and oppositely didn’t sink as low as bad episodes of TOS), and toned down on the painfully blatant ratings-pull of ethnically diverse crewmates. Don’t believe me? TNG is on Netflix now, I’ve been watching it again, even the hokey first two seasons of are entertaining as hell.

I also feel that the video game medium would be a great place to continue the adventures of the Enterprise-D. Part of the reason the TNG era Trek movies didn’t continue on (besides Nemesis being terrible) is because some of the actors were concerned about their characters aging when they should, in fact, not be (primarily, and understandably, Brent Spiner about Data). In video games, the characters are not susceptible to such things.

Now, some of you might find this odd, I think the formula from LA Noire would work great for a Star Trek TNG based game. TNG itself wasn’t a very action heavy series compared to the rest of Trek (Deep Space Nine would also be a contender for this); a lot of detective work was involved and Picard really only got his hands dirty when it was necessary (unlike Kirk, who was more of the “shoot first talk later” variety). The Noire setup would work great for sequences when Picard and the others might have to sense deception among others when trying to piece clues together to solve a crisis. With some minor tweeks, the combat system in LA Noire would also work great for Away-Team sequences where phasers would need to be set to “whoop-ass”. Throw in Noire’s excellent facial animation system to properly bring the crew of the Enterprise-D together, some awesome space combat, and a few Holodeck missions, and epic win would happen.

1 - Darth Vader


When discussions of the greatest villains of all time are brought up, Vader is always in the discussion as one of the best. Always. He deflects blaster shots with his own fucking hand, commands a ridiculously huge Star Destroyer, chokes out Admirals like it’s going out of style, doesn’t give a shit about asteroid fields, and isn’t afraid to get his own hands dirty when it comes time to bust up some fucking Rebels alongside the Stormtroopers. He’s also tied to, arguably, the most famous plot twist in cinematic history. Darth Vader could also be credited as one of the first villains who really made being bad a cool thing. You don’t see your little kid running around the house pretending he’s Hannibal Lecter, do you?

Darth Vader is also probably the biggest cocktease in the history of video games too. We like to get small samples of Vader but never get to completely dive in. He pops up as a hero character in the Battlefront games and is playable in the first level of The Force Unleashed (this one level is better than anything else those games could churn out), yet I do not consciously remember any game that completely revolves around playing as Darth Vader. I find this odd considering, besides Han Solo, Vader is probably the last of the big names in Star Wars to not get his own game. Yeah, Vader has a huge presence in Force Unleashed in terms of story, but he’s not the main playable character plus he spends nice chunks of those games getting his ass kicked. That’s not Vader.

How about a Darth Vader video game that tells a story similar to how pretty much everybody wanted Revenge of the Sith to go, where Vader is seduced by the Dark Side (not tricked, like in the movie) and then goes on a personal rampage slaughtering Jedi like Godzilla through Tokyo. It could be like the first level of Force Unleashed; Vader never runs (he has dudes to do that for him), Force pushes people out of his way like it’s nothing, and chokes down anyone who looks at him silly.
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