I've been listening to The Protomen lately. A lot. So much so that it's probably driving my friends completely bonkers. So much so that they're probably starting to wonder how much of a Megafan I am. So much so that they're probably starting to wonder how deeply obsessive I may be.

Only that's not it at all.

Strike that. I am obsessed. Absolutely.

There are these things that matter, these things that people either dismiss as unimportant or irrelevant, or have forgotten entirely (not unlike the citizens of The City). Things like cohesive composition. In music, "appropriate" narrative and emotional impact - BEYOND just identifying personally with the subject matter - are things that I've not seen in years.

Truth told, I'm not sure I've ever seen it in my entire life.

But this is not a dissertation on the decline of the state of the (concept) album, as I'm hardly informed or old enough to write it. Nor is this is a qualification on the state of music in general, as I feel that everything has its place and can (and should) be appreciated in its own ways for its own merits.



This is instead a public service announcement. This message in my head and in my proverbial heart that is simply ACHING to get out, and I hope beyond hope that I express it well enough to convince a few souls to go out, invest a little time and attention, then re-evaluate and reinterpret what they discover, many times over. This is to say that there is a something in the world now that wasn't here before. Something that makes me feel in ways I've never experienced, due largely to the quality and totality of its composition, and the expert hands that crafted it (and little to do with the fact that it's "Mega Man").

This is a message to every "you" willing to read, that you (yes, you - I am speaking to You) should go out right now, and find for yourself a copy of The Protomen's catalogue; (as yet) a "mere" two album discography, readily available for purchase through their website or via more immediate means online.*

Destructoid briefly commented on the fact that their newest album was recently released, but not much was said as to why you should CARE.

When was the last time you listened to a cohesive album? I'm not referring to an artist whose tone or style is consistent throughout a track list, but rather an album with an overarching narrative, established lyrically, emotionally, and musically; thematically. An album that was - instead of a collection of singles - built as a singular entity. Written with specific and deliberate intent. A story crying to be told that finds its way into the voices of those worthy to tell it.

(I find the concept not unlike musical theatre, save for that I've known few musicals to affect me even remotely near so powerfully as I've been affected by the music of The Protomen; a conversation for another time.)

For me, the answer is that I've never listened to what I now define as a "cohesive album". I'm tracing lines back through my musical tastes, exploring every song I've ever loved, yet.. nothing.

This is not to say that this "thing" isn't out there. I'm sure that it is, and I intend (see also: yearn) to find more stories presented in such a beautiful fashion. But again, that conversation is not this conversation, and can wait for another time.

The first time I ever listened to "The Protomen" (here I refer to their first album), I found it to be a disjointed mess. I found its sounds grating. Internally, I interpreted the majority of the songs as "noise". Now this probably had a lot to do with the fact that I was exceptionally disappointed that the entire album was not as I'd come to appreciate the epic, operatic style of "The Stand (Man or Machine)". When you expect a certain kind of sound, it's hard not to dismiss the remainder as crap, especially if its aesthetic is vastly divergent.

For this reason, I turned my back on the album for months.

Eventually I found my way back and decided to listen to it one evening, while also pulling up some lyrics from a random website. Fortunately for me, the site that I found included - in addition to the lyrical dialogue - those supplemental story elements intended as part of the collective product. You see, the physical copies of The Protomen's albums have a much deeper and more involved narrative (told in the italicized font of the liner notes) than the song lyrics themselves actually convey (even though those lyrics do stand incredibly well on their own).



So it wasn't until I was immersing myself in both the lyrics and the story - attempting to read at the same pace as the music I was listening to was playing - that I discovered how remarkably well-crafted the songs actually were. At the time, I found myself surprised and thought it to be an incredibly cohesive work, thematically, but ever since the release of "Act II: The Father of Death", it's expressly clear to me how much The Protomen have developed during their "off" time, and that their latest release is "superior" to the first, though in a justifiable and appropriate sense; they've simply expanded from it.

All this with Mega Man.

Mega Man, for cryin' out loud!

That's one of the things I love most about it. Not the relationship to Mega Man itself, but the fact that the Mega Man franchise has always stood upon a rather flimsy and superficial narrative, and they built upon it. Beyond the original six games, I've cared little about the "story" that Capcom has attempted to tell, save for the fact that the origin story always holds to some universal constants:

-

Dr. Thomas Light and Dr. Albert Wily once worked together, for the "betterment" of mankind.

The original six robot masters were developed by both Dr. Light and Dr. Wily, and intended to relieve man of some degree of technological burden.

Dr. Albert Wily "stole" the robots in order to enact designs of "world domination".

Dr. Light met this threat with the creation/alteration of Mega Man.

Protoman is the precursor/brother to Mega Man.

-

(Gear shift.)

There's a live-action Mega Man fan film coming out. I admit that I have no interest in this thing. No interest at all. It looks.. silly. It looks like a transplant of the video-game story to "film". The problem with this is that it doesn't allow for the fact that video-games and movies are two entirely different mediums. This doesn't allow for the fact that people didn't play the first Mega Man for its eloquent dialogue or sophisticated plot. This doesn't allow for the fact that - for most intents and purposes - Mega Man is an extremely cartoonish thing, most especially when directly translated for the screen.



The Protomen either understood this fact and "re-invented" the story of Mega Man for their purposes, or simply knew what story they wanted to tell and said story wasn't at all incongruous with those aforementioned constants. They saw that this story was not a story at all, but rather a synopsis of the REAL story; mere bullet points pointing the way to Truth. They saw all of this - this precious resource just waiting to be unearthed - equipped themselves for the task, and then mined the deeper wells of context and nuance underneath and all around.

"Much that was called religion has carried an unconscious attitude of hostility toward life. True religion must teach that life is filled with joys pleasing to the eye of God, that knowledge without action is empty. All men must see that the teaching of religion by rules and rote is largely a hoax. The proper teaching is recognized with ease. You can know it without fail because it awakens within you that sensations which tells you this is something you've always known."

They saw the story that Mega Man has tried and always wanted to be since the very start, and they set it free.

This is not novelty.

This is not kitsch.

This is not fan service.

In their songs, The Protomen seldom make explicit reference to the franchise proper. They drop but a few names in the first album, and not at all in the second. They seldom do anything more than allude to or imply any relation to the games themselves. Point of fact, the second album does NOTHING at all to suggest that it has anything to do with Mega Man, save for that the artists who crafted it are named for a character within, and that there are occasional musical or thematic references to the first album; a recognized Mega Man work.

Beyond that. Nothing. NOTHING to give away the secret that this is.. shh.. video-game related.

-

My Suggestion / My Recommendation / My Request / My Favour / My Plea:

Find these albums, any way that you can*. Dedicate less than two hours of your life to listen to and read and feel the story that The Protomen have crafted and tell. It's not much that I'm asking of you, and I wouldn't ask something of "strangers" if I wasn't so sure of the value in it; if I wasn't so sure that there was something for you to appreciate.

I'm not doing this for myself, or even for The Protomen. I don't give a flying frak if I change any minds, but rather that you all get out there and do it. That you all get out there and find this thing that deserves to be known.

Deserves to be appreciated.

Note: It's especially important that you read the lyrics or the booklet while listening. Knowing precisely who is speaking and saying what to whom is of great value. Knowing the environment and circumstances outside of the characters' dialogue only serves to greater supplement the story as a whole.

Do NOT put the albums on while cooking. Do NOT put the albums on while playing a game. Sit down and treat yourself to an experience. A juxtaposition of words and emotions and sounds that should make you feel shaken. Powerful. Beautiful.

Treat yourself to what music CAN be.



-

Incentive:

Not convinced to even give it a shot? Not convinced to spend even those two hours?

Well then, at the very least, do THIS for me. Listen to this while reading this. If you don't feel or like anything about this music by the time Wily says, "Well you forget who turned this city on. You forget who plugged this city in!", then maybe these guys just aren't for you. (Unthinkable.)

Thank you for your time,
Sentry

*I am not endorsing the act of piracy, but rather the act of learning and spreading as much information as possible, giving credit and compensation to those deserving whenever possible.

Note to Destructoid: When I first read about the Left 4 Dead 2 boycott, I was livid. The reasoning seemed absurd, unreasonable, selfish, and greedy to me. Now I find myself feeling a similar sense of "entitlement", the kind of thing I'd normally scoff or sneer at. Being the guy that's living inside this mindset, it's hard to tell if there's any difference between me and those people. If there is not, then I ask that you recognize that I'm aware of the potential hypocrisy and willing to acknowledge it.

Also, I apologize for posting twice in one day. Hopefully, due to the current "I love Dtoid" meme as well as my passion today for this particular subject, you can forgive me.

Thank you.

(The following text was sent to "info@rocksteadyltd.com".)

-----

Hello,

(Let me first say that I am writing this to the listed contact address for Rocksteady instead of Eidos, as Eidos did not have "Arkham Asylum" listed as a game release. My understanding of distributor versus publisher is still somewhat limited, so if this E-mail has reached the wrong party, I ask that it please, please be forwarded to the correct one.)

My name is Damon R. Nagy and I just purchased a copy of the Arkham Asylum Collector's Edition from a local Game Stop. With most things, I'm willing to take my dissatisfaction and lumps and accept that buyers should beware the quality of a product prior to purchasing, but in this case I am nothing short of insulted and instead choosing to contact you as opposed to simply returning the title and never making any other Rocksteady/Eidos-related purchase ever again.

I am on an EXTREMELY limited budget, as I manage a recently-opened and independently-owned LAN center/used games shoppe in Denver, CO. At this moment, I don't earn a wage of any kind and my gaming options are limited to whatsoever is brought into the store, unless I should find something worthy of scrounging up all my loose change and lingering bills. Few games meet this requirement.

Having long been a fan of the DC Animated Universe and the voice actors and writer you chose to include in the development of Arkham Asylum, I was fairly certain that the extra forty dollars would be a worthy purchase, especially once photos of the set were release.

Truthfully, I'm not sure how wise it was to print that image on the very same box containing a visibly and comparatively inferior product.

First of all, the batarang is awful. No, I'm not arguing that I or anybody else should have expected a realistic approximation of a weapon, but I also don't believe that the released photo indicates ANYTHING along the lines of this plastic piece of crap. That's blatant false advertising, and you hoodwinked a fellow (I'm sure I'm not the only one) who's grown quite wary and cautious of false advertising in a country that tries and tends to sell first and hold itself accountable later. Maybe. If it's good for business.

Truthfully, I never wanted the damned batarang, and only used it as justification - an excuse for the fact that what I really wanted was the, presumably, content-packed special features Blu-Ray disc. An additional forty dollars seemed quite steep to me, but the gameplay videos were incredibly promising, and I'm a loyal and enthusiastic consumer, so what the hell? Had it been just the crappy batarang, I might have been able to accept the fact that I essentially paid an extra forty dollars for nothing but a bonus disc and a soft-leather journal of mediocre content. But once I put the bonus disc into the PS3 and was met with but two options, one of which housing some (not even ALL) of the promotional trailers for Arkham Asylum, and the other hosting a meager portion of featurettes, all of which only parenthetically referring to or including the talent cast of Arkham Asylum.

I repeat, I am nothing short of insulted.

I'm a huge fan of special features, and incredibly capable of inferring value where some people might find none, but to suggest to me that this Blu-Ray disc offering of but a few videos (most of which are and have been available for free online for months) and a terrible, just god-awful, plastic excuse-for-a-bonus-item batarang were worthy of my forty dollars is practically criminal.

Congratulations to whatever marketing team and photographer set up the presentation of this Collector's Edition, because I bought it hook, line, and sinker. Hell, I did it eagerly.

The most impressive part of this whole set is the box that it comes in, which WOULD be of some value if only it contained items of any worth!

Let it be known that I have never written a note to a company before, as I've never before been so invested or so upset over a purchase before which I spent a great deal of time and consideration. As I mentioned before, my purchasing power is limited, which perhaps makes me a "lesser" consumer in the eyes of an analyst. All the more reason for me to take the things I DO choose to spend my money on QUITE seriously.

As it stands, I'm not sure what could be done to satisfy me. I'm realistic enough to recognize that additional special features sets are unlikely, as you would've opened with more "meager" offerings and later released something as "good" as the collector's edition. Barring receipt of additional quality and value and content that I feel was advertised quite strongly, the only other solution I see is that of a refund and a regular copy of Arkham Asylum for the PS3. I am not unreasonable, nor am I looking for free stuff, and I'm perfectly happy to accept some kind of payment and the aforementioned copy of Arkham in exchange for my collector's edition. I simply want to handle this directly with you instead of taking out my frustration on some random Game Stop employee, thus fiddling with YOUR financial figures instead of THEIRS.

I ask that whoever is responsible for this egregious wrongdoing stand up and assume some accountability.

Thank you very much,
Damon R. Nagy

-----

Bonus Disc Running Times:

1.) The Concept of Batman: Arkham Asylum - 7:42
2.) The Look of Arkham Asylum - 7:48
3.) Cinematics - 7:20
4.) Working Across Continents - 4:05
5.) Sounds of the Asylum - 5:58

6.) Previously-Released Trailers - 7:29

Total - 40:22

(Note: This "review" pertains solely to the perceived quality of the collector's edition of Arkham Asylum at a first glance of the included contents. I have not assessed the quality of the game itself, nor the quality of the features on the bonus disc. The following is based on my physical experience of the items mentioned.)

Normally, I'm not one to complain about the quality of bonus content in super-regular edition sets, but this particular release is an affront to my sensibilities not only as a Batfan, but also as a discerning consumer, video game enthusiast, and special feature whore.

I make very little money and tend to be EXTREMELY picky about those things I should consider purchasing. Between excessive debt and occasionally having the cash to pull my date weight with my girlfriend, I've nary a cent to spend on personal indulgences. So the decision to purchase the collector's edition of Arkham Asylum was not one I made lightly. It was something of a celebration of the fact that several of the collaborators of my favourite Batman mythos (the DC Animated Universe) would be getting together for, potentially, one last hurrah. That and the fact that a guy needs to buy something for himself every once in a while, and what better justification?

So, between the bonus disc - hopefully chock full of featurettes including my very favouritest Joker representative (Mr. Mark Hamill) - and the doctor's journal, and the seemingly impressive replication of an in-game batarang, going the way of extravagance seemed an okay and reasonable choice.

Now let me be clear, I was NOT in any way expecting something spectacular. In my wildest dreams, the best I could hope for was some kind of blunted, soft metal representation of the batarang. Materials like pewter aren't as expensive as some might think, and developments in composite materials bring costs like that down even more. It wasn't the most unrealistic thought in the world, and that was only my "dare to dream" scenario.

Realistically, I was expecting some kind of acrylic, ceramic, or tin composite, the latterest being more akin to the design of the box itself.

To open this gorgeous case and feast my eyes upon what has been laughingly referred to and marketed as a "replica" has insulted me in a way I would've previously thought incapable.

I've lived in this country a long time and, as mentioned before, would like to think myself a discerning consumer. I generally know the difference between a good movie and a well-edited trailer, and I can generally tell the difference between a halfway decent set piece and an overgrown kid's meal toy.

To put it bluntly, you get used to being screwed with your pants on from time to time and develop keener senses, when lucky.



This abomination consists of what appears to be three pieces of molded plastic, with a QUITE visible seam running all along its perimeter. The batarang is attached to its "mount" in a way that doesn't at all differentiate the "replica" from its base. I'd charitably refer to it as a high school prop, if only you could more intuitively interpret these individual pieces as separate items. It's unclear whether or not the manufacturer even intended the item to be removed from its mount, as the telltale tab on the rear suggests relative ease of removal, whereas the gaping hole, remnant glue, and stamp - revealed once you isolate the batarang - all imply that it's a nook not meant to be seen.



Regardless, this is hardly the sort of thing I would ever put on display, and it only marginally functions as a casual toy of novelty and kitsch. More likely I'll leave the damned thing in its far-more-impressive case and hope that nobody asks to see it.

Now, this wouldn't bother me quite so much if it weren't for the fact that I was never even given an in-between option. The major influence for the purchase of this edition was, indeed, the bonus disc with features I've yet to investigate since I'm now somewhat gunshy. It's entirely likely that I would've passed on this excessive product were it not for my love and near-fanboyism regarding Mark Hamill, Arleen Sorkin, Kevin Conroy, and Paul Dini (even though it was a shock to learn that Dini had anything to do with the Double Dragon movie - "Podtoid 111").

When I boil down the contents and value of the box in my hands to their barest essentials, I'm left with but one conclusion:

I paid an additional forty dollars for a bonus disc, and a mediocre (though admittedly, mildly interesting) soft-leather journal.

This makes me hubris and contrite, and Eidos criminals. But I can at least offer these words and photos up as a cautionary tale to those either a little too foolhardy or not quite discerning enough.

-----

Update: Joystiq's Justin McElroy posted an unboxing video this morning, and his reaction and sentiments mirror mine almost perfectly, though he remains far more civil and professional on camera.

http://www.joystiq.com/2009/08/25/unboxing-the-batman-arkham-asylum-collectors-edition/

It's somewhat unfortunate (from a game collector's point of view) that so many classic video-game cabinets should end up in the possession of a famous person, much less one of the greatest pop legends ever known to the United States.

Especially one that recently passed away.

Some rare items can be incredibly difficult for collectors to find, and even more difficult to obtain for a reasonable price. Not everybody has deep pockets, and it sucks when the added value of "Jacko owned this" is tacked onto the price tag. Chances are that so much cash will be thrown at so many things simply for the "piece of MJ" celebrity factor, far removed from the qualities or personality of the game itself.

With any luck, some serious collectors will manage to get a hand on some of the memorabilia that Michael managed to stash away over the years. Fortunately, it doesn't seem like he kept the rarest of the rare away from the public eye, so my posterity-bone need not worry itself over some forgotten classic winding up in the show room of a well-to-do that doesn't really give a damn.

In the meantime, those of us with lesser aspirations in cabinet collecting can amuse ourselves by checking out this nifty virtual tour of MJ's funtime belongings. Personally, I'd love to get my hands on Terminator 2: Judgment Day and Lethal Enforcers.

Polytron announced on July 2nd that Fez - the upcoming, retro-aestheted platformer that will juxtapose layers of 2D gameplay against 3D "trixels" - will in fact be released on Xbox Live Arcade. The specific cost and release date of Fez are still unknown, though early 2010 is estimated for the latter.

As yet, there are no announced plans for release on alternate platforms, though I personally don't find it unreasonable to expect for "Fez" to eventually make its way to PC.

This is personally one of my most anticipated games of the near future. The trailers that I've seen so far suggest an extremely enjoyable and intriguing platforming/puzzle-solving experience, not to mention a chill chiptune-esque soundtrack, both of which complement my gaming tastes perfectly and have whet my appetite for Fez's release.

Additionally, I've taken to Renaud Bédard's articles on some of the mechanics behind the games trixels, as I'm something of a process-geek and love learning about pretty much anything related to the technical, artistic, musical, or logisitcal development of a product.

I wholeheartedly recommend that you click either of those links and give 'em a read.

Polytron

Note: I put this up mistakenly thinking that it hadn't already been covered on Destructoid. Though I did briefly check to see if somebody had written on it, I obviously missed something, which was negligent on my part. However, I do care about the things that I mentioned in this post, and personally feel that there's more in here than just the old news.

So I'm keeping it up.

(For the record, I'd have no objection to this not being listed in the Cblog recap, but am prepared to accept my "Fail", chin held high.)

Pokémon Blue is obviously better than Pokémon Red, an assertion that requires explanation only if you're a complete backbirth what doesn't know how superlatives work. I can only conclude that any argument on the subject is purely for shock value or novelty alone, as nobody could possibly be so ignorant as to sincerely believe that Red is the superior product. Jim Sterling would have you believe that only hardcore gamers have earned the right to draw huge lines between anything, but I'm here to tell you that anyone can do it. The internet is better than Superman, for example. We could discuss why, but you all know that I'm right.

1.) Water > Fire:



The box for Pokémon Blue boasts Blastoise, an organic, walking TANK, fully equipped with cannons that shoot highly-pressurized twin streams of water whose sole purpose is blasting the shit out of anything in sight AND putting out fires. Red has Charizard, a mouth-breathing, dandy-looking dragon that can't even fly straight since its eyes are on either side of its head and that means no depth perception. Plus it DIES if the wussy fire on its tail goes out.

Guess what wussy fires don't like? Pressurized water shot from a FUCKING CANNON!

2.) The colour blue is superior to the colour red in EVERY way:



I've personally seen crayons of blue and red spill out of Crayola boxes, fully-engaged in drunken brawls, and guess who always emerges the victor? Well, actually.. nobody, because it's the official responsibility of influential writers like me to declare that drunken violence is NEVER, EVER funny (even though it's completely badass and ALWAYS funny). But I will tell you this, if you go visit St. Palette's Memorial Hospital and take a look at their ICU, you'll see one fucked-up hunk of Red, meanwhile Blue's back at the box, fucking everything in sight while also eating rare steak, which is the manliest sport there is.

Now, SOME PEOPLE seem to have a problem with things that are blue, specifically Blue's Clues. Nevermind the fact that Steve Burns - the original host of the show - went on to have a kickass musical career and even stole the Thinking Chair to take with him on tour. Let me ask you, what kind of man has the balls to take the staple prop from a show intended for small children? The same kind of man that tirelessly dedicated himself to helping those same children translate the inane babble of idiotic animated characters in order to solve mysteries. That's called being a detective. You know who else is a detective?

Batman.

It's a well-known, scientifically-proven fact that learning is the most hardcore thing known to man, and Blue's Clues is a show about BATMAN teaching kids how to be as awesome as he is, just before leaving to rock out.

Red is the colour of menstruation and Greatest Hits boxes, the most potent manifestations of evil.

3.) Red got a remake, Blue didn't need one:



Holding up the fact that Pokémon Red got a remake is like pointing at Rocky Horror Picture Show cast-goers as evidence of the film's superiority. If it's so fucking good, why did you have to invent an entirely new script to shout over the original lines in order to enjoy it?

That's right, Fire Red was Nintendo's feeble effort to try to make right their terrible, terrible wrong. To be perfectly honest, they DID develop a remake of Blue, just to be sporting, but the only title they felt justified the insanely awesome nature of the game was “Pokémon Blue-as-the-Sapphire-Tears-Your-Mother-Cried-When-She-Took-it-Up-the-Ass”. Naturally, Nintendo had enough business savvy (at the time) to know better than to insult their consumers directly. Instead, they maintained their normal practice of insulting their customers through sucky releases, and left the pristine visage of Pokémon Blue untarnished.

4.) Look at this picture:



This picture is awesome. Of course it is.

I drew it using a Super Game Boy while playing Pokémon Blue. Blue is a colour, which means that the Super Game Boy – a peripheral that plays games IN colour on the Super Nintendo (one of the greatest systems EVER) – was pretty much created for the sole purpose of playing Pokémon Blue, and drawing awesome shit all over it.

Look at that Machop's angry face. That's fucking terrifying. You couldn't do that with Pokémon Red. I know 'cause I tried. The Super Game Boy spit at me before I could even put the cartridge in the slot. The only other time it did that was when I accidentally dropped a copy of Total Recall for the NES right next to it.

Pokémon Red + Total Recall < Mah Balls

5.) Mega Man is blue:



Mega Man will om nom your very essence and then use it for his own nefarious purposes, but he usually doesn't because he's so badass to begin with. He only wears red when he's impersonating one of the various robotic fucktards he's already bested in combat, and that's just for kicks. The guy's regular power is to shoot compressed balls of burning hot plasma at high velocities from his cyan blue arm. He doesn't have any use for shit like fire, unless he feels like burning some books, which he'd never do because Mega Man knows what we've already discussed, and that is that learning is cool as fuck.

6.) Blue has Vulpix:



This is Vulpix.

Vulpix will FUCK. YOU. UP. End of story.

7.) Blah blah blah, something about Metacritic:



Metacritic scores are an aggregation of individual opinions, reduced to quantitative terms. Most of the people I know are dumb as fuck. Most of the people you know are dumb as fuck. The internet is FULL of people who are dumb as fuck, so why on earth should I give a damn what a whole mess of 'em said when they stopped Tweeting or blogging long enough to bitch about something besides Valve?

Answer: I don't.

Here's MY Metacritic score for Pokémon Blue: 28,000,003. A score THAT high comes with some rum and bratwurst if you take it to the bank, which you can totally do.

8.) Here's a thing I found on the internet:



"Psychology of Color: Blue"

“Ask people their favorite color and a clear majority will say blue. Much of the world is blue (skies, seas). Seeing the color blue actually causes the body to produce chemicals that are calming; but that isn't true of all shades of blue. Some shades (or too much blue) can send a cold and uncaring message. Many bedrooms are blue because [of] it's calm, restful color. Over the ages blue has become associated with steadfastness, dependability, wisdom and loyalty (note how many uniforms are blue). People tend to be more productive in a blue room because they are calm and focused on the task at hand. Some studies are showing that weight lifters can lift more weight in a blue gym - in fact, nearly all sports are enhanced in blue surroundings.”

There you have it, blue makes people stronger and wiser and better at sex. I say so. Studies say so. Science says so.

Blue is better. It's fact. You know this because you just read it.

----------

As much as I'd love to leave this piece a completely self-contained product, I haven't yet earned that right. I need to make it clear that this - much like the recently-written monocle piece - is an exercise in writing and in fun. I've always been a fan of Pokémon Blue and love trying to do things in this particular voice. Generally, I like to avoid cliche or blatant ripoff as best I can, but the lure of attempting to counter-point Jim's diatribes was just far too irresistible.

I hope folks managed to take some amount of entertainment from this, as I tried to make it funny, and will likely go to hell for some of the cracks I made.

Totally worth it though. I had a blast.