I'm some Asian guy with opinions on things that don't really matter. I'm into everything you could possibly imagine, games, toys, surfing, beer, etc etc. If there's anything interesting out there, I'm willing to try it.
Yesterday night was our dear Gobun's birthday party. Dude must've had a deprived childhood, because before yesterday he apparently had never had a birthday party in his entire life.
I had a horrible childhood.
Naturally, we went all out, and dude got super WASTED. Other shit happened, like him getting lost in a sea of boobage, and me opening people's beers with other bottles of beer, but Gobun getting wasted was definitely the highlight. Like all Dtoid LA parties, shit was amazing, and lots of fun and homoerotic times were had.
LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S ABOUT TO GET "ICED"!
You're welcome for the growler, Gahhboooon.
How adorable, Gobun gets a handjob for his very first birthday party.
Awww yeah, more homosex, this time with Technophile!
No homosex (BOO), but bewbies! (YAY)
HOWEVER, I'm going to concentrate on one very specific thing: this guy.
This is Alex Barbatsis, c-blog celebrity, host of LAPD, and all around white guy, as is explicitly evident in that video. Dude brought an off-brand Nerf shotgun to the party.
And then shot me point blank in my chest. On top of that, he went around and harassed one of my bestest c-blog friends, the lovely beverlynoelle, shooting her whenever he got the chance.
OH NO YOU DI'NT
OH YES I DID
In doing so, he inadvertently (or advertently, I don't know) declared war. It was understandable that you'd come after me; after all, I am a strapping young gentlemen overflowing with machismo, threatening your very role as alpha male.
Seriously, look at these svelte, tanned, muscular, babyskin-soft thighs.
But to repeatedly shoot a helpless woman in cold blood, even after multiple cries of protest? As a chivalrous individual and overall person who wants a reason to shoot you with foam darts, I cannot let that stand.
This may or may not be an additional reason to shoot you.
So this is a formal declaration that yes, I accept your open invitation to war. I cannot say for sure what will happen the next time we meet, or when we'll actually see each other (likely at your place on the 22nd for coonskin's party), but know this: I went to Toys R Us to pick up Dragon Quest IX today, and with it came a $15 gift card.
I beelined it to the Nerf section, and came to realize that all Nerf guns are BOGO 50% off.
The lines have been drawn, sir. PREPARE TO BE SHOT AT.
As for everyone else, whose side will you choose? There will be no Switzerland in this epic showdown; whoever wants to be Switzerland will be eliminated first.
Yeah, I'm coming for you, Mr. "I'm probably gonna play Dance Central while I'm sitting on the couch".
Here it is, Day Two of my Contest Weektacular. Remember, Day One is still going, so if you're even remotely interested in Batman, make sure to hit that up.
Today, I'm giving out several pieces, once again Comic Con 2008 Exclusives. How to get them? Hmm, let's make this one a caption contest. Come up with a great caption for this picture:
Can't tell what that is? Look closer:
CYBERTRONIAN TOILET BITCHES
Here's the 1st item:
That's a Classics Nemesis Prime, and it's an amazing, amazing figure. The original Optimus Prime mold was pretty secks to begin with, but make that shit black, and you have GOLD.
The 2nd item:
A Titanium Skywarp, one of the last Titanium figures made. Shit is die-cast, so it's heavy as hell and the transformation's pretty simple, but it's still a pretty sexy shelf piece.
Both toys are pretty great in their own right, so 1st place gets a choice between the two items, with the remaining item given to 2nd place.
BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE
I'm also throwing in a 3rd place prize, because I bought a duplicate of it for some reason.
Back when the first Michael Bay Transformers movie came out, Hasbro came out with this line called "Real Gears", featuring robots that transformed into household items, like digital cameras, binoculars, camcorders, the like. Most of them were pretty crappy and nonposeable, but a few of the later ones were actually super fun toys. Meantime is one of them; dude may look simple, but his poseabilty makes him a brilliant workplace toy to tinker around with.
That picture says it all, doesn't it?
I also have a bunch of loose Transformers that I might just give out to random folks, but I'm still thinking about how to do that.
Anyway, the deadline for this contest is 11:59PM PDT, Tuesday July 20th. Good luck brolociraptors!
If there's one thing I've learned while getting ready to move out, it's that I'm a massive hoarder. I don't know how it happened, but apparently ever since I was a wee lad I've been keeping every single goddamn piece of marginally important paperwork. Most of it is utterly mundane (high school US History AP notes? Microbiology lab notebooks from college? YAWN), but there's been a couple pieces of faded, crumpled up GOLD. Perhaps the most shining example of that is this ancient tome:
It's some sort of art journal I completed sometime in kindergarten or first grade, and within it contains lost pieces of art so exquisite they make the Sistine Chapel look like a gigantic harlequin baby threw up all over a church.
From what I pieced together using high-tech electro-carbon-neuronal-ultra-dating (aka my brain memories), I was commissioned to draw an abstract piece and write an accompanying caption for it weekly for two months or so. I don't know how long exactly the world's been deprived of such revolutionary art, and I realize they're probably worth millions, perhaps even BILLIONS, of Zenny to some creepy looking children's "art" collector, but I'm going to do a favor to the world and reveal them here, exclusively, for the first time in nearly 20 years.
Sorry Bruddah, candy is tempting, but no arts for you
So let's get started with the first piece.
Mentally Challenged Yellow Person & Mercury Poisoned Pac-Man Fish
Caption:"The boy is standing on the rock and The fish is looking for food and the boy is playing hopscotch"
Even as an inaugural piece, my brilliance was clearly evident, as at first glance there don't seem to be any cogent ideas behind the drawing or the literature as separate entities. Taken as one piece of art though, they immediately compliment each other and serve to drive each other's narrative. First off, the boy is standing on "the rock", which looks to be completely unstable, and he's playing hopscotch on it, while at the very same time the fish is looking for food by floating to the surface and peering into the sky, where it most certainly will die. Sounds completely batshit insane, until you realize the things that weren't drawn or written. It's apparent then that the boy is some sort of autistic, perhaps even mentally retarded, and the fish has obviously ingested so much mercury that it's been poisoned to the point of dementia and vertigo. Then, a terrible thought leaps into one's head: Was it the heavy ingestion of such mercury-saturated fish that caused the boy to turn out so horribly wrong, or was it the act of throwing mercury thermometers at the fish by the fucked up child (who collects thermometers, presumably), that caused the mental degradation of the fish?
Even as a kid, I was breaking down the walls of social convenience and ignorance.
Cricket Ninja'd by Spider Disguised as Sun
Caption:"once upon a time the cricket and the spider were fighting but the cricket got stuck on the spiderweb"
So the cricket just barges into the spider's home and tries to pick a fight with it, but is too dumb to realize the spider is badly disguised as an oval sun behind him, until it's too late. Classic David and Goliath story, except how it would happen in real life.
A Perfect World
Caption:"one day there was a city called Missile city and there was a people named Mr Missile and he got a B"
This is a city full of living missiles as inhabitants, and yet they are at peace due to some higher power handing out random letter grades for nothing.
Moral of the story: Keep a society happy with arbitrary praise, and they shall not impose their destructive power on anyone.
NOT to be confused with "Smack a bitch in her tits, tell her wassup".
The Democratic People's Republic of Hallowe'en: A Series
Caption:"one haunted night there was ghost and goblin and they were doing tricks and they were silly ghost"
Caption:"one night at the cemet ary there was lightning and it struck one ceme tary place."
Caption:"Yesterday night when I went trick-or-treat I got lots of candy and I ate one candy"
A shocking series of pictures depicting a dystopian Hallowe'en world run by a fascist government. Note the stark contrast between these pieces and A Perfect World. There exist such horrors as a population of apparently only one ghost and one goblin, both of whom must make a living "doing tricks" and role-playing as "silly ghost" for their richest clients; a cemetary in which even the dead cannot rest peacefully, thanks to sudden lightning storms that strike specific "places" in the cemetary; and a horrifying method of tithing wherein child labor is used to strongarm the community into paying their taxes with an archaic currency nicknamed "candy", with only a fraction of that given to the children for their time.
The only thing more terrifying would be if M. Knight Shyamalan got a hold of the rights to adapt this into a movie.
Blue Collar Robot Gone Wild
Caption:"once far far away in Roboland when one work robot was turned into a Roboinsect then he destroyed the world"
My first foray into science fiction. Sounds very much like a futuristic version of Upton Sinclair's "The Jungle", with concepts from Asimov's "I, Robot" interspersed within.
No happy ending though, as even as a child the inevitability of death and oblivion was very very real.
In Which I Learn Humility
Caption:"last time when I went Big Bear my feet went in the snow and we went home"
For those not in the know, Big Bear is one of the more popular destinations that Southern Californians trek to whenever they want to ski and/or snowboard. Just an hour or so away, it's an extremely convenient way to experience a climate that is by all accounts rare in a place like SoCal.
According to the realistic landscape sketching (yes, it's a drawing, not a scenic photograph), I made my way to the apex of said mountain range, only for my feet to sink into the snow and become soaked in a matter of moments. With my tail between my legs, I solemnly made my way back down the mountainside and back home. That day, I learned that you might be the king of the hill, but you'll always have something to knock you down a few pegs. Treasure what you have, as nothing lasts forever.
Aesop ain't got shit on me.
Food, or Foe?
Caption:"from another planet a giant bug burger came to earth and destroyed the world"
Sounds like more giant monster shallow crap, until you really think about it and realize it's not some children's tale; it's actually a prophecy come true. Where have we seen something that looks vaguely like a delicious delicacy, and tastes like such, but has no remote resemblance to anything on earth, and is slowly killing the world without any indication of stopping anytime soon?
That was the sound of your mind being blown.
Bye Bye Candle
Caption:"The house is on fire and the candle couldn't get out and he melted."
The most morbid piece in this collection. An allusion to being a victim of your own circumstances, and accepting the consequences of such when the time comes.
Basically, life's a bitch and then you die.
Caption:"once in TV I saw a huge swamp monster! and he was going to destroy world but the king told the monster something"
Perhaps my proudest piece, if only for the endless discussion and philosophical ramifications of the open ended conclusion. What could the king have told the monster to save the world? Did he even save the world, or merely postpone its demise? What insecurities could the monster have harbored that he would've stopped destruction because of something a human king said? Was it even a real king? Was it even a real monster, for that matter? Was the king schizophrenic, and the monster was his angry alter ego?
And perhaps the most burning question: Where the fuck did I see this from? Seriously, does anyone know? I would love to find out what the king really says.
...And More Giant Monsters
Caption:"Once a building turned into a building monster and it smashed the cars down the street."
After so many instances of monsters destroying worlds in this collection, it's refreshing to see a monster that simply smashes cars on adjacent streets. In fact, you almost have to wonder why the building monster didn't attempt to destroy the world.
Caption:"One day a turtle and a sting ray were flying by when a ghost came by and he scared em."
Both brandishing parachutes, an orange stingray and a green turtle wearing booties fly over large shark teeth, only to get scared by a ghost having a period.
It's obviously a parable for Communism.
Well, that was the end of it. I hope one day your grandkids are lucky enough to hear the tale of the most beautiful art you'd ever seen, and how, of all places, it was found on a video game website for nerds.
Hey boners, I have more shit to give away. I hope this will be much more successful than that disaster of a Scott Pilgrim contest that Gyrael ended up winning by default, but considering the prizes, I'm sure it will.
So here's the deal: as my parents will be moving to another state in just three weeks, I'm going to be transitioning from a rent-free situation to a "suck dick for a closet to sleep in" agreement very soon. I've been packing up my stuff lately, and I've expertly concluded that the bulk of my crap is collectibles and figures, aka children's toys. This includes a shit-ton of duplicates of exclusives I've purchased from Comic-Cons past, which I'm likely not going to sell for a decent price anytime soon.
As a result, I've decided to dump all this stuff onto the wonderful Dtoid community. Throughout this week I'll be running two or three contests to give out some of this amazing stuff. And guess what?
I'M STARTING RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
My first item to give away is going to be this:
That is a 2008 Comic-Con Exclusive DC Direct 10th Anniversary Batman figure, limited to some absurd amount. There's also a matching Joker figure that's, unsurprisingly, about twice as awesome, and as such, worth twice as much, so I'll be keeping that to make some profit. Forget about that though; this is your chance to win an amazing piece of Batman memorabilia.
How are you going to do so? You're going to write me something. Show me how creative y'all are by giving me a 500 word piece that starts with this sentence:
"After a hard day of work, I walked into my study to find my best friend Batman crouched over the windowsill, looking forlorn and dejected."
A few guidelines:
-The 500 word limit starts after that sentence. So all in all, it's a 525 word limit.
-YOU ARE NOT ROBIN. You're just you, the lonely Internet nerd trying to win a children's toy. Entries involving you as Robin and in turn some sort of homoerotic undertones will immediately be rejected due to general uncreativeness and massive homophobia on my part.
...okay maybe not that last part, but yeah, it's been done before, fellas.
None of this plz kthx
That's pretty much it folks. Deadline for this contest is, oh, let's make it Wednesday the 14th, at 11:59PM PDT. I look forward to the entries, pending there actually being entries.
The next context will likely be posted in a couple days, likely Tuesday night. While I can't spoil the item, all I can say is that it's more than meets the eye. *COMPLETELY INCONSPICUOUS WINK*
PS Just in case you wieners complain about the dust on that box and bent cover or whatever, you're not getting the exact item in the pictures above; you're actually getting a better, completely mint version of it, still in its protective plastic covering.
UPDATE: I know all of you are out there diligently typing up a piece to win that Batman figure, so here's even more incentive to try harder: THERE IS NOW A 2ND PLACE PRIZE.
This is Red Son Batman, from the amazing graphic novel Superman: Red Son. He's been collecting dust on my shelf, so I'm going to just give him away, even though I love the figure so damned much. What you see is basically what you get; there's also a display stand, but it's just a piece of plastic.
Nearly forgot to make this post, as I know there are a few of you out there diligently waiting for a chance at this, but yeah, we all ended up with some swag after the Scott Pilgrim party: a totally badass T-shirt, and a not-quite-so-badass-but-still-awesome movie poster.
The T-shirt I'm totally keeping, as it's the first videogame related shirt I've ever received that's not in an XXXXL size, but the poster, I'm willing to give it to a lucky member of the Dtoid community. I don't have any room for it, and I'm moving out soon anyway, at which point it'll inevitably be lost and thrown away. Here's what it looks like:
It's in nearly perfect condition, although right before I took that picture my dog decided to be a dipshit and jump on my poster, putting a couple creases through it. Still, no tears, and the quality of the poster is good enough that the creases aren't too visible. It's also reversible, with the back of the poster being, well, the front of the poster mirrored exactly, so it looks like the actual back of the poster.
...wow, that was a stupid sentence.
So anyway, how do you win this amazing piece of Scott Pilgrim memorabilia? Well, you can do it in one of two ways:
1) Use your brain thinking skills and write me some Scott Pilgrim fan-fiction. No limits on creativity, except keep it to 500 words, and if it's erotic fan-fic, I'm going to automatically throw it out.
...unless it's really hot, at which point I'll save it for when I'm in my bunk. It still won't count as an official entry though.
2) Record a video or a sound clip of yourself reading your favorite Scott Pilgrim scene from any of the 5 currently released volumes. Once again, no limits on creativity, you can use props, voices, etc etc. Keep it short, 2 minutes max.
Deadline for this? Hmmm, how about we say exactly one week from now, Monday, June 28, midnight, PDT.
If there aren't enough entries, I'll extend it once. If even after that there STILL aren't enough, I'm just going to give it to Phantomile, because he's mah main ho.
UPDATE: Since you assholes aren't entering for some dumb reason, I'm extending this to Wednesday, 12AM PDT. If none of you enter, I'm going to have to give the poster to Gatsby, and you guys really don't want me to do that, do you?
So E3 was last week, and if you were like me, you spent your precious time waking up early and leaving work late, just to catch the live streams of pressers from various videogame companies. But of course, that's never the most important part of the event. Everyone knows you don't go to the event for the pressers and to journalism all up in that bitch (pfft, WORK); the real draw of E3 is all the cool parties that end up happening.
Naturally, Destructoid parties end up being the coolest of them all, so even if I was stuck at work, I was looking forward to making the long drive up from Whale's Vagina just to chill with Dtoid staff and community. Unfortunately, shit went down and Dtoid somehow ended up with no party plans.
...or did they? In a stroke of genius, Hamza and Co. decided to crash the Scott Pilgrim party on Thursday instead.
While that night is still a pretty fucking big haze in my mind, here are a bunch of pics and tidbits that stood out:
-Showed up half an hour early and waited in a huge long line, only to have some dude come up to me and ask, "hey, you from Dtoid?" and usher me up to where they were standing. I ask dude how he knows what I look like, and he replies, "I recognize you from Gobun's blog." INTERNET FAMOUS BY ASSOCIATION. Dude's name is Alex, and ends up being one of the baddest dudes I meet there.
-While waiting in line we see Hamza and Ben Perlee walking down the line, presumably trying to find fellow Dtoiders. Hamza's decked out in an all-black bouncer outfit, and if it weren't for his innocent good looks, I would've thought him intimidating. We call out to him, he sees us, we shake hands. I tell him my real name, he asks, "oh what's your REAL (i.e. Dtoid) name", and I tell him "SenorDouche", and before I can say "shwa-zee", he says, "OH SHIT SENOR YEAH MAN HOWS IT GOING?!" and gives me like an awkward half-brohug. Bewildered, I exclaim, "you actually know me?!" and he says, "PSSSH YEAH I DO!" and moves on. INTERNET FAMOUS.
-We finally get in and by that time I've already met a good amount of Dtoid folks. They have the last few minutes of Game 7 of Lakers/Celtics on in a big projector center stage, and half the crowd is into it, and the other half is making typical snide nerd jokes ("LOLZ I HOPES THEY SCORES THE TOUCHED DOWNS LOL GET IT DOOD?!"). The game ends with the Lakers' first back-to-back championship since 2002, and everyone half-seriously jokes about how bad the riots are in downtown. Goddamn do I love LA.
-Get my drink on, find the corner where the Dtoid folks are chillin, met Jim Sterling (ZOMG), and a bunch of other folks whose names are escaping me right now. Everything else by now is blurring together.
-Speaking of which, the Keg Buffet was surprisingly impressive. Thought it'd be full of Miller Lites, Bud Lights, and other "not really beer" beers, but they had Rogue Dead Guy Ale, Franziskaner Hefeweiss, and fucking ARROGANT BASTARD. Decent enough beer selection for me to get decently fuzzy.
-They had three stations in which to play Scott Pilgrim, and all of them were taken by the exact same hipster twats for the majority of the time. Two stations had couches, and most of the couch space was taken up by some hos who looked completely uninterested in anything at the party. I think my brother's expression sums it up quite well.
-Don't think I need to describe this picture. BAWSE.
-Meanwhile, Niero was trying to get the party going and putting the Mr. Dtoid helmet on various people, and then commanding them to dance. Almost felt Girls Gone Wild-esque, except AWESOME.
Oh, and Ben Perlee is a giant freak. I have numerous other scandalous photos of him, in case I feel like blackmail.
-This guy has the best article of clothing I've ever seen. I'm convinced that it's the only reason hoodies were invented.
-The night ended with the Dtoid folks getting together and taking a huge group picture, which you'll probably see sometime later. But before that, someone handed Nick Chester and Dale North each a bottle of Smirnoff Ice to chug, and they unwillingly did it, with Rey drinking mystery booze alongside them. I do not envy those gentlemen.
-On the drive back I had a hankering for Mexican food done right, so we stopped at some podunk 24-hr drive thru shack in Oceanside and ordered one of San Diego's most infamous food items, a plate of carne asada fries. That's french fries with carne asada, sour cream, cheese, salsa, and guacamole topping it, although there are variations.
They were good, but not the best I've had. Fries were too thick, and not enough guac. Damn, now I want some this very moment. WHY MUST YOU DO THIS TO ME MEXICAN FOOD
Overall it was an amazing party, and a testament to how unified and rad the Dtoid community is. I've been a part of many an Internets community in my time, still am a part of a few, and I can say without a doubt that the folks at Destructoid really are the best people I've come to know over the 'Webs. Everyone was extremely nice, extremely welcoming, and extremely normal, to the point where it almost felt like a cult. One of those good cults though, not one of those "we poisoned your applesauce and now you're going to heaven, bitch!" cults. Every time I go to a party I tend to have that little bugger in my head that says, "pfft, you don't belong here; you're a nerd who doesn't know any better!", and all of you guys definitely made that voice shut the fuck up.
I know there's a bunch of you I shook hands with and conversed with thoroughly, but I don't think I remembered most of your names in the chaos, so I deeply apologize for that. You know who you are though, and all of you are very sweet and awesome people. I'm glad to have met all of you, and will most certainly meet you folks again in the near future.
If ever any of you are down here in the Vagina this summer, I'll hook you guys up with a place to bunk, free surfing lessons, good food, and amazing beer, count on it.