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UMMM DO WANT!
You will get a submission from me Mr.Douchebag. However, I will let you in on a secret, I procrastinate.
You will get a submission from me Mr.Douchebag. However, I will let you in on a secret, I procrastinate.
Entries involving you as Robin and in turn some sort of homoerotic undertones will immediately be rejected due to general uncreativeness and massive homophobia on my part.
...okay maybe not that last part, but yeah, it's been done before, fellas.
Obviously sir you have never read my slashfic.
Still though, neat contest. I don't really want the Batman figure (already have around a dozen I've collected over the years) but it's a neat prize for a fan. If you ever want to get rid of that Joker figure though....
...okay maybe not that last part, but yeah, it's been done before, fellas.
Obviously sir you have never read my slashfic.
Still though, neat contest. I don't really want the Batman figure (already have around a dozen I've collected over the years) but it's a neat prize for a fan. If you ever want to get rid of that Joker figure though....
"After a hard day of work, I walked into my study to find my best friend Batman crouched over the windowsill, looking forlorn and dejected."
I asked him what was wrong. He said, “The world is coming to an end and there is nothing I can do about it”.
I went to the mini fridge got two Sprite Remix sodas and handed him one. He explained the situation to me as if I could do anything. All I could hear in my head was that song going, “Yakkity yak don’t talk back”. When he finished I said, “I miss Michael Jackson, Heath Ledger and most of all Bernie Mack”.
He got angry because I wasn’t listening, so he downed the rest of his soda in frustration. When he was finished I asked, “Are you part bloodhound?”
He looked at me oddly and answered, “No I’m not a friggin’ bloodhound”.
I smiled eyeing the empty soda can. He followed my stare to the empty can in his hand. Suddenly he snatched me up by the collar and put my back against the wall. He yelled, “WHAT IS IT! Tell me or you’ll wish the world was ending quicker”.
“If I tell you you’ll just get madder. Besides what does it matter? You’re throwing in the towel anyway aren’t you?” I replied with a slight chuckle building up in my belly.
Easing his grip he said, “Ah, I see your point. You mean to say that I should die trying to save the world. Live as though I have poison coursing through my veins. Gamble my life away.”
“Why not? It’s what you’ve been doing all this time anyway. Everyday drivers don’t think about how truly horrifying the risks are. Splattered skulls on pavement, bodies ripped open… HELL! Even the innards of babies plastered across the highway is unimaginable!”
He slaps me. I look away fighting down the laughter, acting as if that hurt. Then he goes to say, “You’re a coward. You just attack people, when YOU could be doing something”.
“It’s not my priority, but I know it’s yours. And that’s all I need to know”, I said as I turned towards the open window.
“Don’t turn your back on me you irresponsible mongrel dog”. The Bat stated, letting his emotions get the better of him.
“Quite right, I am a MONGREL DOG. And you’re the pure domesticated pet of society. How quaint. Let me tell you something. You’re Thor, and I’m you’re Loki, except I’m not Loki and my goals are much simpler”, I said with a slight twitch in the corner of my mouth.
“And what goals are those?” he inquired.
”Well ‘goal’ to be more precise. You see that vintage drink you poured down your gullet? It was mixed with…” I paused.
He barked at me, “WITH WHAT?”!
“With SPERM!!!!!!! HAHAHAAAAHAAHA!” I manage to blurt out before I fall to the ground laughing manically, laughing like the cackling jackal I am. I can’t stop laughing. It’s hurting my stomach, but I don’t care.
His cheeks redden and he starts beating me. Before he leaves I said, “I’m the g0d@m% Joker.”
I asked him what was wrong. He said, “The world is coming to an end and there is nothing I can do about it”.
I went to the mini fridge got two Sprite Remix sodas and handed him one. He explained the situation to me as if I could do anything. All I could hear in my head was that song going, “Yakkity yak don’t talk back”. When he finished I said, “I miss Michael Jackson, Heath Ledger and most of all Bernie Mack”.
He got angry because I wasn’t listening, so he downed the rest of his soda in frustration. When he was finished I asked, “Are you part bloodhound?”
He looked at me oddly and answered, “No I’m not a friggin’ bloodhound”.
I smiled eyeing the empty soda can. He followed my stare to the empty can in his hand. Suddenly he snatched me up by the collar and put my back against the wall. He yelled, “WHAT IS IT! Tell me or you’ll wish the world was ending quicker”.
“If I tell you you’ll just get madder. Besides what does it matter? You’re throwing in the towel anyway aren’t you?” I replied with a slight chuckle building up in my belly.
Easing his grip he said, “Ah, I see your point. You mean to say that I should die trying to save the world. Live as though I have poison coursing through my veins. Gamble my life away.”
“Why not? It’s what you’ve been doing all this time anyway. Everyday drivers don’t think about how truly horrifying the risks are. Splattered skulls on pavement, bodies ripped open… HELL! Even the innards of babies plastered across the highway is unimaginable!”
He slaps me. I look away fighting down the laughter, acting as if that hurt. Then he goes to say, “You’re a coward. You just attack people, when YOU could be doing something”.
“It’s not my priority, but I know it’s yours. And that’s all I need to know”, I said as I turned towards the open window.
“Don’t turn your back on me you irresponsible mongrel dog”. The Bat stated, letting his emotions get the better of him.
“Quite right, I am a MONGREL DOG. And you’re the pure domesticated pet of society. How quaint. Let me tell you something. You’re Thor, and I’m you’re Loki, except I’m not Loki and my goals are much simpler”, I said with a slight twitch in the corner of my mouth.
“And what goals are those?” he inquired.
”Well ‘goal’ to be more precise. You see that vintage drink you poured down your gullet? It was mixed with…” I paused.
He barked at me, “WITH WHAT?”!
“With SPERM!!!!!!! HAHAHAAAAHAAHA!” I manage to blurt out before I fall to the ground laughing manically, laughing like the cackling jackal I am. I can’t stop laughing. It’s hurting my stomach, but I don’t care.
His cheeks redden and he starts beating me. Before he leaves I said, “I’m the g0d@m% Joker.”
"After a hard day of work, I walked into my study to find my best friend Batman crouched over the windowsill, looking forlorn and dejected."
I went up to him and before I could say a word he punched me in the nuts
When I asked him what the hell that was for he said “I traveled to the future and found that it was dark place over run by robots, zombies, and fanboys”
Just before I could ask him what the heck happened a robot in the image of iron man crashed through the window ready to kill us.
Reacting quickly batman threw an explosive batarang to the head of the machine exposing a wad of wires which he pulled out making the robot explode and leaving me thinking “badass”
After we went out side I looked up to see a large portal in the sky with the image of tony stark saying in a evil voice, “Our dimensions are colliding according to plan!” Not knowing why Anthony would be behind this I asked batman for what out next course of action would be and he said to find Joker.
On our way to the abandoned amusement park he was rumored to be located at we ran across The flash fighting off zombies that just teleported out of nowhere we watched in horror as we saw him get bit by one and unlike regular zombie bites this one took effect immediately.
I quickly grabbed a bat that was in the alley next to us and took a swing at The flashs zombiefied legs knocking him down only for batman man to follow up with a curb stomp, splattering blood every where.
After washing his boots in the kiddy pool in one of the yard we continued our trek to the amusement park. While walking I asked him why the hell are we walking to the park when we could ride in the bat mobile in a few seconds. He replied with the famous one liner “I’m batman” which even though it did not explain anything told me that the batman needed no reason to do anything.
Upon reaching the park we see a couple of robots fighting zombies and while I was just about to get out my cell phone to record it to fap to later batman already proceeded to put explosive gel on a rollercoaster in the background making it kill the zombies and robots.
Though dismayed I continued to follow him to the joker drunk in the kissing booth only to instead of batman to ask him something ,gets punched in the face with the force of a truck by batman’s fist causing his scull to crack and kill him.
When I exclaimed what the hell! He just said that everything should be back to normal now but instead of peace we saw three hulking robots in the shapes of a nes,xbox360 and PlayStation with engines later found to be running on flame bait and the support of fanboys. Before I could see them fight batman called the bat mobile (finally!) and we escaped Gotham city happily ever after
The end
I went up to him and before I could say a word he punched me in the nuts
When I asked him what the hell that was for he said “I traveled to the future and found that it was dark place over run by robots, zombies, and fanboys”
Just before I could ask him what the heck happened a robot in the image of iron man crashed through the window ready to kill us.
Reacting quickly batman threw an explosive batarang to the head of the machine exposing a wad of wires which he pulled out making the robot explode and leaving me thinking “badass”
After we went out side I looked up to see a large portal in the sky with the image of tony stark saying in a evil voice, “Our dimensions are colliding according to plan!” Not knowing why Anthony would be behind this I asked batman for what out next course of action would be and he said to find Joker.
On our way to the abandoned amusement park he was rumored to be located at we ran across The flash fighting off zombies that just teleported out of nowhere we watched in horror as we saw him get bit by one and unlike regular zombie bites this one took effect immediately.
I quickly grabbed a bat that was in the alley next to us and took a swing at The flashs zombiefied legs knocking him down only for batman man to follow up with a curb stomp, splattering blood every where.
After washing his boots in the kiddy pool in one of the yard we continued our trek to the amusement park. While walking I asked him why the hell are we walking to the park when we could ride in the bat mobile in a few seconds. He replied with the famous one liner “I’m batman” which even though it did not explain anything told me that the batman needed no reason to do anything.
Upon reaching the park we see a couple of robots fighting zombies and while I was just about to get out my cell phone to record it to fap to later batman already proceeded to put explosive gel on a rollercoaster in the background making it kill the zombies and robots.
Though dismayed I continued to follow him to the joker drunk in the kissing booth only to instead of batman to ask him something ,gets punched in the face with the force of a truck by batman’s fist causing his scull to crack and kill him.
When I exclaimed what the hell! He just said that everything should be back to normal now but instead of peace we saw three hulking robots in the shapes of a nes,xbox360 and PlayStation with engines later found to be running on flame bait and the support of fanboys. Before I could see them fight batman called the bat mobile (finally!) and we escaped Gotham city happily ever after
The end
Totally doing this. I want that goddamn Batman. >:O
(Sorry you have to suck dicks to sleep in closets though.)
(Sorry you have to suck dicks to sleep in closets though.)
FUCKING BATMAN!!!!!!!!!! You should just bring a carful of your excess stuff to Gobun's party and give it away like party favors. You'd be everyone's new best friend!
Actually bev, that's a fucking GREAT idea. I have a buuuuuuunch of oldass NERF guns n shit, half of which are broken, and we can use them to assault Gobun.
After a hard day of work, I walked into my study to find my best friend Batman crouched over the windowsill, looking forlorn and dejected.
"What's the matter batman?" I say with general concern. "I haven't seen you this upset since-"
"Don't say it!" Batman interjected jumping off his perched position and striding up to face me in one fell swoop. The look in his eyes pierced me to the very bone. "We lost a lot of comrades that day. Good men that died young. Families stricken with grief, And for what?!"
"Calm down old friend. Let me get you some coffee and you can fill me in on what's happening," I say to him with an arm on his shoulder, leading him out of the study to the kitchen.
Over coffee, Batman informed me of his recent encounter with the Scarecrow. While taking out henchmen he was shot with tranquilizer gun containing an unknown substance. Batman soon identified himself it was a fear causing reagent that was triggered during combat, removing the suit, and the bat lair itself; when triggered, Batman felt sick and deathly ill. With Alfred passed away in the raid by Clayface and Deadshot, he was left only to turn to a childhood friend, before the death of his parents.
"Of course Bruce. Don't worry about a thing. I may not have the training you do, or the money, or even the brains, but I certainly have your drive. I'll Go to the bat cave and have this analyzed and it we can't come up with a vaccine I'll go take one from Scarecrow myself," I said in a defiance I didn't quite believe I had.
Bruce said nothing and did not move a muscle, but underneath his mask I could tell he was grateful.
I drew his blood and kept it in a safe canister, also remembering to lift his keys to the bat car on my way out, "Nothing wrong with taking it out for a spin."
I made great time, getting to the bat cave in what seemed like mere minutes, and I only ran three stop signs, four stop lights, and over 8 mailboxes. An all time low. Exiting the car in the innermost depths of the cave felt spooky. I hadn't been down here in over a year, Bruce not needing friends. "Bruce always needs a friend," I thought to myself, "Batman doesn't."
I found his very CSI looking machine and using my limited knowledge I picked up through the show I was able to find out what had been troubling him. Even though I didn't know what it was, or had to pronounce it, the cure seemed to be Vodka. Needless to say Batman and I drank the night away, Laughing to reruns of Seinfeld and him teaching me takedowns. We didn't even kiss either because some people who read this are homophobic. Also, note to self: Do not put those pictures on facebook.
Word count: 495
"What's the matter batman?" I say with general concern. "I haven't seen you this upset since-"
"Don't say it!" Batman interjected jumping off his perched position and striding up to face me in one fell swoop. The look in his eyes pierced me to the very bone. "We lost a lot of comrades that day. Good men that died young. Families stricken with grief, And for what?!"
"Calm down old friend. Let me get you some coffee and you can fill me in on what's happening," I say to him with an arm on his shoulder, leading him out of the study to the kitchen.
Over coffee, Batman informed me of his recent encounter with the Scarecrow. While taking out henchmen he was shot with tranquilizer gun containing an unknown substance. Batman soon identified himself it was a fear causing reagent that was triggered during combat, removing the suit, and the bat lair itself; when triggered, Batman felt sick and deathly ill. With Alfred passed away in the raid by Clayface and Deadshot, he was left only to turn to a childhood friend, before the death of his parents.
"Of course Bruce. Don't worry about a thing. I may not have the training you do, or the money, or even the brains, but I certainly have your drive. I'll Go to the bat cave and have this analyzed and it we can't come up with a vaccine I'll go take one from Scarecrow myself," I said in a defiance I didn't quite believe I had.
Bruce said nothing and did not move a muscle, but underneath his mask I could tell he was grateful.
I drew his blood and kept it in a safe canister, also remembering to lift his keys to the bat car on my way out, "Nothing wrong with taking it out for a spin."
I made great time, getting to the bat cave in what seemed like mere minutes, and I only ran three stop signs, four stop lights, and over 8 mailboxes. An all time low. Exiting the car in the innermost depths of the cave felt spooky. I hadn't been down here in over a year, Bruce not needing friends. "Bruce always needs a friend," I thought to myself, "Batman doesn't."
I found his very CSI looking machine and using my limited knowledge I picked up through the show I was able to find out what had been troubling him. Even though I didn't know what it was, or had to pronounce it, the cure seemed to be Vodka. Needless to say Batman and I drank the night away, Laughing to reruns of Seinfeld and him teaching me takedowns. We didn't even kiss either because some people who read this are homophobic. Also, note to self: Do not put those pictures on facebook.
Word count: 495
After a hard day of work, I walked into my study to find my best friend Batman crouched over the windowsill, looking forlorn and dejected.
“What up Batman!” I said, “What’s up with you? Are your tights riding up your ass again?”
“God damn it!” He yelled furiously, “Why is it always fun and games with you? I’m down and depressed and I really need a shoulder to lean on right now, not some senseless comical babble that’s always flying out of your mouth!”
Seeing that he really needed a friend right now, I decided to chill out with the jokes and ask him what was wrong.
Sensing that I was now there for him, he began to explain to me what it was that had been bothering him.
“Well, do you remember how I went out with Catwoman a couple weeks ago?” asked Batman.
“Oh yeah, you took her out to that fancy Italian restaurant that just opened downtown, and if I recall you told me you two went back to her house for a little “fun”.” I replied.
“Yeah, well as fun as it was, I --” Cutting off Batman, I kept on with,
“You know Batman, you never did tell me how Catwoman was in bed. I mean with the name Catwoman, I can imagine how good it was.”
“Ok, stop--” Batman said, but I continued with,
“I bet she was purring the whole time and I know she had to be super flexible. That’s like a dream come true right there.”
“Enough--” Cutting him off again, I went on saying,
“Does she have any sisters? Come on Batman you’ve got to hook me up with a sister. A brutha needs a hook up on some feline acti--”
“SHUT UP!!” exclaimed Batman.
“Ok, fine I’ll hook myself up..” I said.
“I thought you were my best friend. You can’t shut your mouth for 2 seconds to let me explain what’s going on with me. It might be time to start looking for some new friends.” said Batman.
I quickly interjected and said, “Ok, ok, I’m sorry, it won’t happen again. I’m all ears now. I won’t say a single thing. I promise”
“Alright.” said Batman. “Well, when we went back to her place, we made our way to her bedroom and we started -- you know. But by the time we finished I noticed there was something missing.”
“No, no, no.” I said. “Please don’t tell me you didn’t use a Jimmy.”
“A what?” said Batman
I yelled at Batman. “A Jimmy, a rubber, a condom man!”
He said,“Oh, well I thought I had put one on before things started getting hot and heavy!”
“Aww man..” I said disappointingly
Depressingly looking toward the ground, Batman said, “Yeah I know, and I just got a phone call from Catwoman, and she said she definitely thinks she’s pregnant.”
Shocked, the first thing that came out of my mouth was,
“You know you done fucked up right?”
Batman looked up and tears began to run down his face. I sat down next to him and consoled him.
“What up Batman!” I said, “What’s up with you? Are your tights riding up your ass again?”
“God damn it!” He yelled furiously, “Why is it always fun and games with you? I’m down and depressed and I really need a shoulder to lean on right now, not some senseless comical babble that’s always flying out of your mouth!”
Seeing that he really needed a friend right now, I decided to chill out with the jokes and ask him what was wrong.
Sensing that I was now there for him, he began to explain to me what it was that had been bothering him.
“Well, do you remember how I went out with Catwoman a couple weeks ago?” asked Batman.
“Oh yeah, you took her out to that fancy Italian restaurant that just opened downtown, and if I recall you told me you two went back to her house for a little “fun”.” I replied.
“Yeah, well as fun as it was, I --” Cutting off Batman, I kept on with,
“You know Batman, you never did tell me how Catwoman was in bed. I mean with the name Catwoman, I can imagine how good it was.”
“Ok, stop--” Batman said, but I continued with,
“I bet she was purring the whole time and I know she had to be super flexible. That’s like a dream come true right there.”
“Enough--” Cutting him off again, I went on saying,
“Does she have any sisters? Come on Batman you’ve got to hook me up with a sister. A brutha needs a hook up on some feline acti--”
“SHUT UP!!” exclaimed Batman.
“Ok, fine I’ll hook myself up..” I said.
“I thought you were my best friend. You can’t shut your mouth for 2 seconds to let me explain what’s going on with me. It might be time to start looking for some new friends.” said Batman.
I quickly interjected and said, “Ok, ok, I’m sorry, it won’t happen again. I’m all ears now. I won’t say a single thing. I promise”
“Alright.” said Batman. “Well, when we went back to her place, we made our way to her bedroom and we started -- you know. But by the time we finished I noticed there was something missing.”
“No, no, no.” I said. “Please don’t tell me you didn’t use a Jimmy.”
“A what?” said Batman
I yelled at Batman. “A Jimmy, a rubber, a condom man!”
He said,“Oh, well I thought I had put one on before things started getting hot and heavy!”
“Aww man..” I said disappointingly
Depressingly looking toward the ground, Batman said, “Yeah I know, and I just got a phone call from Catwoman, and she said she definitely thinks she’s pregnant.”
Shocked, the first thing that came out of my mouth was,
“You know you done fucked up right?”
Batman looked up and tears began to run down his face. I sat down next to him and consoled him.
After a hard day of work, I walked into my study to find my best friend Batman crouched over the windowsill, looking forlorn and dejected. Looking at his grim and ever white-glowing eyes, I knew it was going to be a long night…
“Oh hey…” I started, “… that clown again?”
Batman just narrowed his eyes a bit without saying a word. Having him hanging around in my place for almost a year already, I knew it was his way of saying “…yyyyyeeeeep.”
Leaving him with his pretentious antipathy I headed to the kitchen to make some coffee.
“This city is infested with clueless pests. They cannot decide to either appreciate or hate my job trapping those rats.” Batman mourned with his usual sandpaper voice.
“Welcome to the town, freak.” I replied while turning on the coffee machine. “… you know, you should know that you are not the only victim here. You know kung fu, got big-ass cars... You are a spoiled and tired man. You should learn the value of earning your meal with the sweat of your forehead.”
“…Christian, eh?” Batman asked ignoring my useless speech.
“No, catholic. But close enough.”
“Religion is the strongest opium to control the citizens from tearing apart the doors of the town hall.”
“Whatever.”
I cannot remember exactly how he started to visit my place. Maybe it was the scent of my cheap instant coffee what attracted him to my window, or I just got lucky to have Gotham City’s number one freak to perch inside my place while disappearing from the cops… and drank some of my coffee. Either way, I am sure it was because of the coffee. He says that he never tried the delicacy of simple products before. I imagine his early adulthood drinking coffee from hand-selected beans from the north of Peru in a fine china cup conserved from an old collection of a French king in the XVII century while warming his feet close to the fireplace sitting in his swan feather-filled chair covered in Kashmir acquired from some old kind of Neiman-Marcus.
“Okay Batman, so what are you gonna do tonight besides chasing psychopath comedians? Don’t you have some kind of girlfriend or—“
“MY GIRLFRIEND IS DEAAAAAAAAAAAAD!” yelled Batman while slapping me like a thirty-five dollar whore.
“Goddamn, Batman! I am sorry! Jeez! I just want to tell you that you should move on from being a perpetual emo prick and enjoy what is left of your life, dude. Your parents are dead, boo-fucking-hoo, mine still treat me like a kid and I am almost 20 years-old already. You kind of got lucky there in some way.”
Batman just frowned and turned away making his usually dramatic pose on the balcony.
“Come ooooooon, you should start making new friends or something and start to have a good time. Any of those villains could kill you any day.”
Batman kept looking at the darkening horizon and said: “Remember that I will never be a hero …”
And with that he just jumped away blending with the pitch-black alleys.
“That didn’t even make sense, you freaking dumb ass!” I shouted.
Word count: 525
BAM!
“Oh hey…” I started, “… that clown again?”
Batman just narrowed his eyes a bit without saying a word. Having him hanging around in my place for almost a year already, I knew it was his way of saying “…yyyyyeeeeep.”
Leaving him with his pretentious antipathy I headed to the kitchen to make some coffee.
“This city is infested with clueless pests. They cannot decide to either appreciate or hate my job trapping those rats.” Batman mourned with his usual sandpaper voice.
“Welcome to the town, freak.” I replied while turning on the coffee machine. “… you know, you should know that you are not the only victim here. You know kung fu, got big-ass cars... You are a spoiled and tired man. You should learn the value of earning your meal with the sweat of your forehead.”
“…Christian, eh?” Batman asked ignoring my useless speech.
“No, catholic. But close enough.”
“Religion is the strongest opium to control the citizens from tearing apart the doors of the town hall.”
“Whatever.”
I cannot remember exactly how he started to visit my place. Maybe it was the scent of my cheap instant coffee what attracted him to my window, or I just got lucky to have Gotham City’s number one freak to perch inside my place while disappearing from the cops… and drank some of my coffee. Either way, I am sure it was because of the coffee. He says that he never tried the delicacy of simple products before. I imagine his early adulthood drinking coffee from hand-selected beans from the north of Peru in a fine china cup conserved from an old collection of a French king in the XVII century while warming his feet close to the fireplace sitting in his swan feather-filled chair covered in Kashmir acquired from some old kind of Neiman-Marcus.
“Okay Batman, so what are you gonna do tonight besides chasing psychopath comedians? Don’t you have some kind of girlfriend or—“
“MY GIRLFRIEND IS DEAAAAAAAAAAAAD!” yelled Batman while slapping me like a thirty-five dollar whore.
“Goddamn, Batman! I am sorry! Jeez! I just want to tell you that you should move on from being a perpetual emo prick and enjoy what is left of your life, dude. Your parents are dead, boo-fucking-hoo, mine still treat me like a kid and I am almost 20 years-old already. You kind of got lucky there in some way.”
Batman just frowned and turned away making his usually dramatic pose on the balcony.
“Come ooooooon, you should start making new friends or something and start to have a good time. Any of those villains could kill you any day.”
Batman kept looking at the darkening horizon and said: “Remember that I will never be a hero …”
And with that he just jumped away blending with the pitch-black alleys.
“That didn’t even make sense, you freaking dumb ass!” I shouted.
Word count: 525
BAM!
Reposting because of ugly format
After a hard day of work, I walked into my study to find my best friend Batman crouched over the windowsill, looking forlorn and dejected. Looking at his grim and ever white-glowing eyes, I knew it was going to be a long night…
“Oh hey…” I started, “… that clown again?”
Batman just narrowed his eyes a bit without saying a word. Having him hanging around in my place for almost a year already, I knew it was his way of saying “…yyyyyeeeeep.”
Leaving him with his pretentious antipathy I headed to the kitchen to make some coffee.
“This city is infested with clueless pests. They cannot decide to either appreciate or hate my job trapping those rats.” Batman mourned with his usual sandpaper voice.
“Welcome to the town, freak.” I replied while turning on the coffee machine. “… you know, you should know that you are not the only victim here. You know kung fu, got big-ass cars... You are a spoiled and tired man. You should learn the value of earning your meal with the sweat of your forehead.”
“…Christian, eh?” Batman asked ignoring my useless speech.
“No, catholic. But close enough.”
“Religion is the strongest opium to control the citizens from tearing apart the doors of the town hall.”
“Whatever.”
I cannot remember exactly how he started to visit my place. Maybe it was the scent of my cheap instant coffee what attracted him to my window, or I just got lucky to have Gotham City’s number one freak to perch inside my place while disappearing from the cops… and drank some of my coffee. Either way, I am sure it was because of the coffee. He says that he never tried the delicacy of simple products before. I imagine his early adulthood drinking coffee from hand-selected beans from the north of Peru in a fine china cup conserved from an old collection of a French king in the XVII century while warming his feet close to the fireplace sitting in his swan feather-filled chair covered in Kashmir acquired from some old kind of Neiman-Marcus.
“Okay Batman, so what are you gonna do tonight besides chasing psychopath comedians? Don’t you have some kind of girlfriend or—“
“MY GIRLFRIEND IS DEAAAAAAAAAAAAD!” yelled Batman while slapping me like a thirty-five dollar whore.
“Goddamn, Batman! I am sorry! Jeez! I just want to tell you that you should move on from being a perpetual emo prick and enjoy what is left of your life, dude. Your parents are dead, boo-fucking-hoo, mine still treat me like a kid and I am almost 20 years-old already. You kind of got lucky there in some way.”
Batman just frowned and turned away making his usually dramatic pose on the balcony.
“Come ooooooon, you should start making new friends or something and start to have a good time. Any of those villains could kill you any day.”
Batman kept looking at the darkening horizon and said: “Remember that I will never be a hero …”
And with that he just jumped away blending with the pitch-black alleys.
“That didn’t even make sense, you freaking dumb ass!” I shouted.
After a hard day of work, I walked into my study to find my best friend Batman crouched over the windowsill, looking forlorn and dejected. Looking at his grim and ever white-glowing eyes, I knew it was going to be a long night…
“Oh hey…” I started, “… that clown again?”
Batman just narrowed his eyes a bit without saying a word. Having him hanging around in my place for almost a year already, I knew it was his way of saying “…yyyyyeeeeep.”
Leaving him with his pretentious antipathy I headed to the kitchen to make some coffee.
“This city is infested with clueless pests. They cannot decide to either appreciate or hate my job trapping those rats.” Batman mourned with his usual sandpaper voice.
“Welcome to the town, freak.” I replied while turning on the coffee machine. “… you know, you should know that you are not the only victim here. You know kung fu, got big-ass cars... You are a spoiled and tired man. You should learn the value of earning your meal with the sweat of your forehead.”
“…Christian, eh?” Batman asked ignoring my useless speech.
“No, catholic. But close enough.”
“Religion is the strongest opium to control the citizens from tearing apart the doors of the town hall.”
“Whatever.”
I cannot remember exactly how he started to visit my place. Maybe it was the scent of my cheap instant coffee what attracted him to my window, or I just got lucky to have Gotham City’s number one freak to perch inside my place while disappearing from the cops… and drank some of my coffee. Either way, I am sure it was because of the coffee. He says that he never tried the delicacy of simple products before. I imagine his early adulthood drinking coffee from hand-selected beans from the north of Peru in a fine china cup conserved from an old collection of a French king in the XVII century while warming his feet close to the fireplace sitting in his swan feather-filled chair covered in Kashmir acquired from some old kind of Neiman-Marcus.
“Okay Batman, so what are you gonna do tonight besides chasing psychopath comedians? Don’t you have some kind of girlfriend or—“
“MY GIRLFRIEND IS DEAAAAAAAAAAAAD!” yelled Batman while slapping me like a thirty-five dollar whore.
“Goddamn, Batman! I am sorry! Jeez! I just want to tell you that you should move on from being a perpetual emo prick and enjoy what is left of your life, dude. Your parents are dead, boo-fucking-hoo, mine still treat me like a kid and I am almost 20 years-old already. You kind of got lucky there in some way.”
Batman just frowned and turned away making his usually dramatic pose on the balcony.
“Come ooooooon, you should start making new friends or something and start to have a good time. Any of those villains could kill you any day.”
Batman kept looking at the darkening horizon and said: “Remember that I will never be a hero …”
And with that he just jumped away blending with the pitch-black alleys.
“That didn’t even make sense, you freaking dumb ass!” I shouted.
After a hard day of work, I walked into my study to find my best friend Batman crouched over the windowsill, looking forlorn and dejected.
"What's the matter Bruce?" I set my drink down next to his.
"I should be out there right now, cleaning the streets."
"Look...you work hard. You deserve some time off. This party's in your honor, why don't you come down and at least make an appearance? Everybody's looking for you."
"This party is for Bruce Wayne. That's not who I am anymore...Gotham doesn't need Bruce Wayne, it needs Batman; and it always will."
The bitter taste of the whiskey was a welcome distraction. I had seen this before...Batman never shuts off. I think if he could, Bruce would just be Batman and only Batman. "Look Bruce, you have to take some time for yourself from time to time. You've earned it over and again, many times."
As I slammed the rest of my drink and started refilling I offered a refill to Bruce. "It's not that simple. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I'm wasting my time at Wayne Enterprises. I'm no more than a figurehead anyways. Nobody needs Bruce Wayne."
Bruce held up his glass, and as I reached for mine he continued. "I have a proposition for you. Robin has moved on. Barbara has her own thing going on, and Gordon has long since retired. This city needs me now more than ever. But if I'm going to be able to continue, I have to dedicate my entire being to Batman."
We downed our drinks and as I refilled them, he continued.
"I'd like you to take over Wayne Enterprises for me."
I spilled a bit of the whiskey as the shock took over my body. "Bruce, you can't be serious. I don't know the first thing about running a company!"
He took his now full glass back from me and toasted as he continued once again. "I'm afraid that's something you're going to have to figure out for yourself. The papers have already been drafted and signed. I won't take no for an answer; the company is yours."
I downed my drink and took a large swig from the bottle. "I don't know what to say...thanks Bruce." But by the time I had turned around he was gone.
That was five years ago. Nobody has seen Bruce Wayne since then, but the streets have Gotham have been safer than ever before. He shows up from time to time and we talk about the old days. He looks happy now.
---END---
I forgot the final word count, but it's barely over 400.
"What's the matter Bruce?" I set my drink down next to his.
"I should be out there right now, cleaning the streets."
"Look...you work hard. You deserve some time off. This party's in your honor, why don't you come down and at least make an appearance? Everybody's looking for you."
"This party is for Bruce Wayne. That's not who I am anymore...Gotham doesn't need Bruce Wayne, it needs Batman; and it always will."
The bitter taste of the whiskey was a welcome distraction. I had seen this before...Batman never shuts off. I think if he could, Bruce would just be Batman and only Batman. "Look Bruce, you have to take some time for yourself from time to time. You've earned it over and again, many times."
As I slammed the rest of my drink and started refilling I offered a refill to Bruce. "It's not that simple. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I'm wasting my time at Wayne Enterprises. I'm no more than a figurehead anyways. Nobody needs Bruce Wayne."
Bruce held up his glass, and as I reached for mine he continued. "I have a proposition for you. Robin has moved on. Barbara has her own thing going on, and Gordon has long since retired. This city needs me now more than ever. But if I'm going to be able to continue, I have to dedicate my entire being to Batman."
We downed our drinks and as I refilled them, he continued.
"I'd like you to take over Wayne Enterprises for me."
I spilled a bit of the whiskey as the shock took over my body. "Bruce, you can't be serious. I don't know the first thing about running a company!"
He took his now full glass back from me and toasted as he continued once again. "I'm afraid that's something you're going to have to figure out for yourself. The papers have already been drafted and signed. I won't take no for an answer; the company is yours."
I downed my drink and took a large swig from the bottle. "I don't know what to say...thanks Bruce." But by the time I had turned around he was gone.
That was five years ago. Nobody has seen Bruce Wayne since then, but the streets have Gotham have been safer than ever before. He shows up from time to time and we talk about the old days. He looks happy now.
---END---
I forgot the final word count, but it's barely over 400.
I had a completely different idea in mind and it wasn't working out, so I went with the above.
You have a lot of cool stuff Senor.
You have a lot of cool stuff Senor.
These are all fantastic entries. It would make no sense to have one winner and the rest losers. So, let's make them all losers by giving me both prizes. Win win my friend.
Fuck it, here's my entry.
After a hard day of work, I walked into my study to find my best friend Batman crouched over the windowsill, looking forlorn and dejected. The brandy snifter was empty, so I could only imagine that he was having another one of his episodes.
“Bruce, are you upset about your murdered parents again?” I asked, picking up the photo album of his dead parents, almost slipping from the bat tears that had pooled around his polaroid memories.
“No,” he responded unheroically, unsuccessfully using his cloak to shield the wiping of his tears. “And call me Batman.”
The gruff in his voice sounded forced.
“Okay, Batman. Well, did you see the front page of the paper today? Your apprehension of the Joker is on it.” Again, like last month, and the month before. I realized I was trying to cheer up a rather bipolar individual, so mentioning his inability to keep his nemesis behind bars at this time was probably a terrible maneuver, but sobriety had its virtues. Restraint being one of them.
Batman stood up, stuck out his chest, and exhaled the smooth flavor of his menthol cigarette.
“Dude, it just seems that no matter what I do, people just keep asking for more and more. I'm only one man. I stop criminals day in and day out, and yet, the public thinks I'm a menace. Sure, the media seems to be on my side for the most part, but the public, they see me coming and they scream and run off. What the fuck do I have to do to get some respect?” Batman stomped on the remnants of his cigarette. For good measure, he kicked the butt into the corner of my study.
“You been watching Spiderman 2 again?”
“Maybe.”
“Look man, that's Hollywood bullshit. You're the real deal. Not some radioactive superhero, a real crime fighting detective dude. Hollywood has to create some crazy fantasy shit to try to compete with what you bring to the table. You're reality. Real talk son.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah man. Look, I've got a couple Klondike bars in the freezer. Let's go eat that shit.”
Hesitantly, though with much more purpose than mere minutes before, Batman responds, “That would be nice.”
“Cool. Let's go eat some ice cream. And how about picking up that fucking cigarette, man. That's disrespectful.”
“Sooooorry.” Batman says, shaking his head in an exaggerated fashion, to dispel any notion that he was ever sorry about extinguishing a cigarette in my study.
“No worries man. I know you're an asshole because of your dead parents.”
Word count- slightly over 400 or so.
After a hard day of work, I walked into my study to find my best friend Batman crouched over the windowsill, looking forlorn and dejected. The brandy snifter was empty, so I could only imagine that he was having another one of his episodes.
“Bruce, are you upset about your murdered parents again?” I asked, picking up the photo album of his dead parents, almost slipping from the bat tears that had pooled around his polaroid memories.
“No,” he responded unheroically, unsuccessfully using his cloak to shield the wiping of his tears. “And call me Batman.”
The gruff in his voice sounded forced.
“Okay, Batman. Well, did you see the front page of the paper today? Your apprehension of the Joker is on it.” Again, like last month, and the month before. I realized I was trying to cheer up a rather bipolar individual, so mentioning his inability to keep his nemesis behind bars at this time was probably a terrible maneuver, but sobriety had its virtues. Restraint being one of them.
Batman stood up, stuck out his chest, and exhaled the smooth flavor of his menthol cigarette.
“Dude, it just seems that no matter what I do, people just keep asking for more and more. I'm only one man. I stop criminals day in and day out, and yet, the public thinks I'm a menace. Sure, the media seems to be on my side for the most part, but the public, they see me coming and they scream and run off. What the fuck do I have to do to get some respect?” Batman stomped on the remnants of his cigarette. For good measure, he kicked the butt into the corner of my study.
“You been watching Spiderman 2 again?”
“Maybe.”
“Look man, that's Hollywood bullshit. You're the real deal. Not some radioactive superhero, a real crime fighting detective dude. Hollywood has to create some crazy fantasy shit to try to compete with what you bring to the table. You're reality. Real talk son.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah man. Look, I've got a couple Klondike bars in the freezer. Let's go eat that shit.”
Hesitantly, though with much more purpose than mere minutes before, Batman responds, “That would be nice.”
“Cool. Let's go eat some ice cream. And how about picking up that fucking cigarette, man. That's disrespectful.”
“Sooooorry.” Batman says, shaking his head in an exaggerated fashion, to dispel any notion that he was ever sorry about extinguishing a cigarette in my study.
“No worries man. I know you're an asshole because of your dead parents.”
Word count- slightly over 400 or so.
