It took a lot of begging and stretching the truth to get my dad to buy a copy of The Legend of Zelda. I was finally able to convince him by claiming that it was an educational game. I said that you had to do math to progress through it.
Rupees are subtracted when you burn down people's doors. Subtraction is a math. So in the end, I told no lies.
We picked up Zelda at a K-Mart. On the way home we had to stop off at my dad's office. This was torture. I needed to experience the game immediately, even if I couldn't actually play it.
I stayed in the car while he went into the office so I could root around in the K-Mart bag. I found Zelda, tore open the box, savored the new game pak smell and beheld a thing of beauty!
A golden cartridge.
I had caught a glimpse of it through the crotchless peek-a-boo hole in the box. But here it was, naked and yielding in my sweaty hands.
I was really very sweaty. It was hot outside, and I was in the car with the windows rolled up. It was hot enough to fry an egg. Hot enough to fry a dog's brain! But I couldn't risk rolling down the window lest anyone snatch away my precious.
I read the instruction manual several dozen times and inserted the golden cartridge anywhere and everywhere it would fit. This left me sore and whimpering, but it took the edge off.
When my father came back to the car I was drenched in sweat, covered in cartridge shaped indentations, and deep in a Zelda frenzy. I had to stick my golden treasure into an NES as soon as possible. I didn't even notice the heat anymore. Like Scrooge McDuck, I was in the final stages of Gold Fever.
To commemorate the glorious golden game pak, I've taken the liberty of gathering some other golden goodies below. May they please the eye and the ear of your face.
Sugar Bear is a pimp. If you need evidence of this, you can watch the video below. Witness how he handles a swamp monster by turning his embarrassingly false teeth against him. This is similar to how George Washington was assassinated by the Cookie Crook.
It's hard to find a show that can contain the talents of Hall & Oates, Culture Club, Wayland Flowers & Madame, The Pretenders, and Tracy Ullman without collapsing in on itself and killing everyone involved. But somehow Solid Gold was able to do it! This opening sequence feels like it's made out of the Trapper Keeper folders that they gave out in heaven to the children fortunate enough to die in 1984. (Is that an N64 model of David Byrne?)
Skanks like to drink it. It doesn't taste very good. But it makes your poo valuable. In the current economy, this may be a sound investment strategy.
The Golden Girls
I would like to play a point and click adventure game based on the Golden Girls. It could be like Maniac Mansion. Each girl would have her own power. Blanche wields weird sex appeal. Rose charms the animals. Dorothy carries a club. And Sophia fits inside air ducts or suitcases. By combining their powers to solve puzzles they eventually defeat Stan Zbornack and Mel Bushman all while staying cuter than intrauterine.
Why hasn't there been a video game adaptation of Private Benjamin? Did you know that in Sweden all of the Goldie Hawn movies are part of "The Girl Who..." series? It's true! For instance Overboard is called: "The Girl Who Fell Overboard" and Private Benjamin is: "The Girl Who Joined the Military".
I don't know if they called Bird On A Wire "The Girl Who Made a Bad Career Decision", or Death Becomes Her "The Girl Who Survived Losing Most of her Torso due to a Shotgun Injury Inflicted by Meryl Streep." I hope they didn't, because neither title is very good. Goldie deserves better.
Goldilocks is a story so timeless and well constructed that you can tell it with felt. I would like to see this lady tell Anna Karenina on her felt board. Put on your good looking eyes before viewing the video below.
This movie includes Pussy Galore and a deadly bowler hat. On their own these two facts would cement it in film history. But perhaps its greatest accomplishment is the unforgettable theme song sung by Shirley Bassey. If you enjoy women made out of gold who have spinning license plates in the place where their mouths should be, this video is for you!
Little Golden Books
Much of my youth was spent gnawing on Little Golden Books. Bugs Bunny's Carrot Machine was my personal favorite. The golden binding conceals many mysteries, including: bunnies, bees, chickens, and gummi bears. If you stare at it long enough you may see your own future.
Tracey Gold played bookish fussbudget Carol Seaver on Growing Pains. It must have been cold there in Mike's shadow. She was Lisa Simpson before there was a Lisa Simpson. Or perhaps less charitably, Meg before there was Meg. Unrelated fun-fact: Growing Pains also featured a character named Boner.
The Gold Standard
At one point in time paper money represented an actual lump of gold kept in a box somewhere in the world. You could take your paper money to a gnome and demand your gold. He would refuse to give it to you. This arrangement suited both parties until the gnomish wars of ought nine. You can see it all explained below. If you stick with the video, there is a cartoon!
The Golden Gate Bridge
The most destroyed bridge in movie history is actually pretty pretty in real life (IRL!). Pretty pretty is what the black queen calls Barbarella upon their first meeting. Watch the Golden Gate Bridge wiggle and dance below.
We have reached the end of our voyage of all things Gold. Or have we? What is your favorite golden thing? Do you have any golden video game memories? If there is anything I left out? Please, shower me in gold!