When you open the box for EA Sports Active, there is a package containing a long thin strip of rubber that smells sort of like After Eight dinner mints and also kind of like a trip to the dentist.
You would not be wrong to attach this thing to the end of a stick and spin it around. Doing so would surely look pretty and might make you feel better about life.
This curious red visitor from Redwood Shores is known as the Resistance Band. It may look like a simple fruit roll-up, but in truth it is the killer at the heart of the app.
Let's face it, even with the best intentions one will eventually give up on EA Sports Active. When that day comes you've still got this... thing in your life. So I was wondering if there may be any other uses for the resistance band.
As it turns out, it can be used to fashion a number of useful disguises. Please join in me in examining just some of the possibilities:
Job Interview Necktie
Oh crap, the President has just appointed you to the Supreme Court totally out of nowhere. Awesome, right? Not so fast. You don't have a necktie for the confirmation hearing. Bummer, I guess that means no Supreme Court for you.
But wait! You own a Nintendo Wii! And you are self-concious enough about your body to have purchased EA Sports Active! You are good to go my friend.
A simple windsor knot and you're all set for a date with Dick Durbin. You can leave the altoids at home. You'll already smell strangely minty.
When the committee asks you about your stance on the evils of the video game industry you can point to your rippling abs and your handsome necktie as examples of the good that video games can do! Way to go.
Solid Snake Headband
Oh crap, Colonel Campbell is on the codec and he wants you to take on one last mission to rid the world of giant nuclear robots.
Never mind that you're old and cranky and you'd rather be watching Matlock, you don't have anything to wear!
But wait, the center recently bought a Wii for its bowling tournaments and they've also got a copy of EA Sports Active.
After slipping Agnes a mickey you're able to abscond with the resistance band. It not only makes you look awesome during your mission, it also gives you infinite ammo somehow! Way to go.
Biplane Pilot Scarf
Oh crap, it's a telegram from Amelia Earhart. She wants to rendezvous Paris so you can eat some smooshy cheese with her and the martians.
That's would be so great. But you lost your lucky piloting scarf in a game of strip poker with the ghost of Howard Hughes.
It's been a weird week. But lucky for you, you won a gold Nintendo Wii and a copy of EA Sports Active from Queen Elizabeth. The resistance band makes a jaunty scarf, and you're able to embark on your transatlantic journey! Way to go. Say hi to the martian for me.
Beauty Pageant Sash
Oh crap, it's a carrier pigeon from Donald Trump. He wants you to represent tambourines in an upcoming beauty pageant at Flynt Publications.
This is your chance to make some tambourines very proud. But you haven't got a sash, and The Donald isn't about to provide you with one. He's keeping all of his sashes in his secret sash stash.
Have no fear. Your beauty regime consists of daily workouts on the Nintendo Wii with EA Sports Active. The resistance band makes a perfect sash. Just keep it away from Mr. Trump, as he is liable to burgle it. Way to go.
Kindly Babooshka Head Thing
Oh crap, it is Aleksandr Soljenitsin with a message from Mother Russia. They are running dangerously low on babooshkas, and they need you to help!
You'd love to get on a steamship bound for Siberia and start pickling things, but there's just one problem... you are missing an authentic babooshka head thing. Without one, you will not be permitted into the secret lair.
Fortunately your colorful cousin Roman has stolen for you a Nintendo Wii entertainment machine and the EA Sports Active. This game includes a big American head thing, which you can put to good use on your melon. Way to go.
Great Tiger Turban
Ouch! You've just been hit by a spinning newspaper from Doc Lewis. It turns out that India has lost its Great Tiger to feline leukemia. I hate Mondays.
You'd love to replace him, but you don't have a stylin' turban. Give Up? Retire?
Not on your life buster brown. You've been training with EA Sports Active hoping to be less of a pussycat and more of tiger. You'll find that resistance band makes a mighty fine turban. Now you're playing with power! Way to go.
(Note: Turban style may be more Miss Cleo than Great Tiger. Your results may vary.)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Mask
Oh crap, the turtle communicator is beeping. It's April O'Neil of Channel Six news! She's been kidnapped by a creep known as "The Shredder".
No doubt horrible things are being done to her body that will soon end up illustrated in the more prominent Furry communities. You wish you could help, but alas you're not a turtle.
Or are you? You've been practicing the Ninja Arts (along with alternating side lunges) with EA Sports Active. By tying the resistance band across your eyes you undergo a remarkable transformation, becoming a mutant turtle!
This is certainly more than enough to qualify you to battle the forces of evil. You storm the technodrome in hopes of recovering the intrepid reporter before her virtue is irreparably tarnished by Krang's tuning fork! Way to go.
Oh crap, you've got a hot date with a discount courtesan and you are uncertain as to how many sexually transmitted infections are bubbling around in her rickety frame.
You desperately want to subject her to the five forbidden linguses (lingui?), but you left your dental dam in your other pair of capri pants.
You are unable to find a midnight dentist to help you out. But you are able to find EA Sports Active for the Nintendo Wii Entertainment system. After playing a rousing Carnival Game with your would-be paramour, you find that the resistance band is the perfect Prophylaxis.
You engage in an evening of unholy congress, safe in the knowledge that your mouth is free from new diseases. And it even tastes kind of minty too. What a bonus. Way to go.
That's the Resistance Band!
As you can see the resistance band provides endless fun. None of which are even video game related. And this is only scratching the surface of possibilities such as disguises and marital aids.
What would you use the resistance band for? Any suggestions? Can you think of a funny pun for "Resistance Band" and "Resistance Fall of Man"? I sure couldn't. I thought maybe the Chimera playing Rock Band would be cute. But it's kind of not.