We're now officially over halfway through 2011. Looking ahead to 2012, we already know a good deal of what will probably happen in gaming over 2012, but what will improbably happen? Let's find out.
Modern Warfare 4
"I do not know with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." Albert Einstein
Activision take this quote literally, and Modern Warfare 4 will be set in a post-apocalyptic planet where your only concerns are to knock the tar out of anyone who tries to take your stick, who you will name Colin.
New additions to Modern Warfare 4 will include doggy doo on the end of your stick, and stones you can skim across the water to knock enemies off makeshift rafts.
A plucky young executive at Nintendo headquarters will ask Satoru Iwata if Wii U purchasers could save money by having the Wii U interface directly with a 3DS, rather than having to pay out for the expensive controller.
That plucky young executive will be locked in a cupboard. He will be kept sustained by having Pocky sticks fed under the door. After a few weeks, the sticks will no longer be taken. The cupboard will never be opened.
As a promotional stunt for the game, and inspired by Columbia, the giant floating city within the Bioshock: Infinite universe, 2K Games' promotional department will arrange for helium balloons to be placed around the border of Columbia, the South American country.
Columbia's neighbour, Brazil, will misinterpret this as a military exercise and will invade Columbia.
When questioned, 2K Games will disavow all knowledge of the stunt, and will claim to have discovered evidence that the publicity team behind the stunt were an insurgency group who were attempting to destabilise the region. 2K Games will pass on all the briefing paperwork of the stunt to the CIA.
FOX News will roll with weeks of coverage detailing that forthcoming third-person gravity defying shooter Inversion encourages its players to be aloof about gravity.
Hard-hitting reports will include an Alhabama teen that constantly drops cups and glasses, a Harvard sophomore that abandons his Physics degree after playing too much Inversion and forgetting which way gravity points you, and a Cincinatti twentysomething that has nailed his bed to the floor.
The Last Guardian
Despite a generally warm critical reception, reviewers of The Last Guardian will be forced to dock their score for not coming to a consensus on what the animal companion actually is.
I mean, is it a griffin? A gryphon? A pigeon-dog? I mean, it looks like a dog's head. It has feathers and claws like a pigeon. I know that.
Is it a dog's head? It kind of looks like a dog. Not like any particular dog I could think of. I suppose you could say it was dog-like.
I don't know, man. Dogs don't have horns though. The whole thing is a creepy mix of cute and messed up, like that flying thing in The Neverending Story.
Capcom's gamble of getting the Devil May Cry team to work on a cross between Monster Hunter and Dragon Age will pay off. Convinced it has found a new winning formula, Capcom will convince the Street Fighter IV team to work on a cross between Mega Man and Mass Effect.
The game will be called Triple Beam and will chiefly be set in Switzerland during the year 3038. It will be a fantastic success and will greatly improve tourism in Switzerland and the surrounding area.
Gossip around Christmas-time will flurry around the speculation that a Triple Beam movie will be in development, with Mark Wahlberg denying reports that he has received a script and has been shortlisted for the role as series antagonist "Arch-Nemeziz".
Half-Life 2: Episode 3
Delayed until 2014.
Sorry, guys. They want to get it just right. And they should be able to...
Once they've done another sequel to Portal, that is.