Dear Mindless Repeater,
It has recently been brought to the attention of the executive management team by our insurance providers that video game related violence is on the rise. In an effort to curb growing benefits and health-care related costs for the company, Human Resources has been asked to develop a series of addendums to the Employee Handbook to assist those unfortunate souls who are attempting to balance their professional career with self-destructive gaming habits.
Playing video games is a habit that reduces productivity, limits your career growth, contributes to aggressive behavior, and is generally indicative of a rebellious and independent nature -- something that we here at Mindless Repetitions, Inc. frown upon in anyone below an unspecified pay grade.
It is our hope to reduce the number of video game related fatalities and injuries to ensure that our profit margin remains intact by limiting overhead expenditures, and also to demonstrate our genuine care and concern for those of you toiling on the front lines that we will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever deign to meet in person.
So, turn off the consoles and turn on the confidence -- with our undeserved positional advantage and your hard work, we can make this our highest earning year yet!
-- Your Beloved Board of Directors
Separating video games from reality is the responsibility of every employee at Mindless Repetitions, Inc. Although we can't legally prevent you from playing games in your personal time, we can look down on gaming as an unprofessional hobby to participate in. Failure to separate video games from reality can result in corrective action, up to and including termination (of employment, not your in-game avatar).
Here are this week's helpful hints to ensure that your co-workers will remain unaffected by your socially maladaptive influence and irrationally violent behavior! This week's topic is : Meeting Etiquette. We hope that these help you to become less of a social pariah in your work environment and that you do not exactly bloody vengeance on us for any perceived slights you may have received while on the premises.
Wishing you a happy and productive work-week!
Meeting With Co-Workers
Gamers should strive to control their murderous/selfish impulses throughout the meeting. Here are some common triggers and pitfalls to be avoided.
-- Coffee and donuts need to be evenly distributed amongst all meeting participants. Hoarding these items as you would in a competitve online match will be frowned upon. Think of the meeting like a campaign in Left 4 Dead; if you use all the med-kits yourself and your companions die, you will rarely survive to the next safe house. Donuts are medkits. Coffee is the same as pills.
-- The use of "?", "!", and "..." are not responses well suited for the meeting room. This does not apply, however, when meeting with the salarymen from our Tokyo branch.
-- Referring to the laser pointer as a "n00b-tub3" during a presentation will not generate a favorable reaction from your fellow participants.
-- Being late to scheduled meetings will not be excused on the basis of being "sucked into a random encounter" on the way to the conference room. Being "laggy as hell" is also not considered as a valid reason for tardiness.
-- There is no fast-forwarding through dialogue during meetings. Consider your meeting an unskippable cutscene for which you are required to take notes. The information you gather may be relevant to later gameplay.
-- When the door slams shut in a video game, it usually will not open again until the player has slaughtered every living inhabitant in the room. This does not apply in business meetings. The start and stop time listed on the official agenda remains constant regardless of how many co-workers you murder, so not killing them remains our policy.
Meetings With Potential Customers
-- Don't jump straight into business discussion. Develop a rapport with the prospect before attempting a sale. Many gamers scare off a possible client by immediately opening their trenchcoat and yelling "WHAT ARE YOU BUYING?" or "BUY SOMETHING, WILL YA?" before determining the prospect's needs through the use of discovery questions.
-- Do not refer to their objections or information gathering inquiries as "combo breakers".
-- While most gamers are used to the unrestricted killing of prostitutes in their day-to-day virtual lives, this behavior is strictly discouraged at Mindless Repetitions, Inc. Only the prospects should be allowed to kill prostitutes. This places you, as the salesperson, in a position to maximize each sale in exchange for covering it up and keeping quiet about the whole sordid affair.
-- When encountering sales reluctance, do not offer to throw in a charizard to "sweeten the deal". Your prospect is likely not aware that he is supposed to catch them all.
-- Avoid using terms usually heard in XBL chat* during intense contract negotiations. Examples include : "I feel like I made an extremely reasonable offer, Steve. Frankly, your counterproposal is totally gay." or (in a restaurant setting) "Steve, quit spawn-camping the breadsticks, you fucking fucktard."
*Avoiding these terms even in XBL chat would also be advisable for anyone of moderate maturity and intelligence.