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About
Formerly CaptainBus.

Commentoider and MassDebate founder/contendor. Has heard a lot of jokes about helmets.



I AM THE GATEKEEPER.


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This week, I've done a bit of a switcheroo: All of the comments this week come from the Destructoid Community Blogs: The bastion of gamings most enamoured, brimming with zeal and purpose and grateful for the positivity and warmth of the community. There's also an awful lot of perverts amongst you. You know who you are, now tuck your dirty genitals away. You sicken me.

Now, on to the comments!




From 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand, Tears in my Eyes.




If you have not yet done so, read Handy's fantastic review. Don't worry, I'll still be here when you get back.




From Metroid Zero Mission Review




Hey, you two.

Get a room, you two.

Just kidding. It was great to see some constructive criticism used constructively to construct a more fluid blog. Kudos to both commentator PhilK3nS3bb3n and blogger Elect-Nigma.

Now get a room.






From [NVGR] Dwayne Johnson "lays the smack down" on film set burglars




Well then, shouldn't his name be Rock Lobster?






From Sleeping Dogs is Fun as Hell




Uh...Ooh! Wow. You nearly got him there...you nearly got him. Maybe next time though, hey!






From Contest Time - McPixel (DRM -Free, Win/Mac/Linux)




Full Release Massage, eh? I hope that doesn't include bowels too...




From PK493's Phenomenal PAX Adventure!




Mmm...

I mean... urgh! Gross! Yuck! That's what I mean!




From PK493's Phenomenal PAX Adventure!




and yet...I still want to go.







From Cblog Recaps of 09/05 et Striderisms




Not really a bullshit comment from Stealth, just incredibly poignant. Since I've dusted off the packing foam we might as well throw it though the Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope and see what happens:



4 out of 5 dentists don't know what I'm talking about when I ask them to recommend the Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope. The fifth one is me, pretending to be a dentist.




From Replay to a comment




Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope, let's ride:



The Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope was in danger of overheating on that one.




We should do this again sometime. Maybe over dinner? No. It's ok. I'm busy too. You hear that? I can't make it to dinner either you twat!

This may well be my last Comments of the Week for a bit. I'm still out of work and although it's fun compiling these blogs, I need to focus on getting a job. I hope you guys understand. Hopefully I will be back soon.











Have you seen my folding chair?

It shines with dandelion hair.

And when I go to sit, I glare,

At its delightful derrière.

And though it may seem strange, I swear;

I want to love it hard right there.

I'm captivated, in a snare.

I'm gorging on its constant stare.

In that silken summer air.

I want to hug it like a bear.

I escalate, I'm on the stair.

And as I say one final prayer,

With ancient, primal, sensual flair.

I explode like a distress flare.

And, sated by my brief affair.

I name my new love: "Mary-Claire".

Now, on to the comments!




From PAX: HOT Metal Gear Solid: Ground Zeroes footage




I've been taking a look at the early story that's been coming out of Kojima HQ and Stealth's in luck. The story mainly involves Big Boss opening a chain of chicken restaurants in the midwest, so it should really fit well with the context of the series.




From World Tekken Federation will be absolutely free with TTT2




Are you sure there's no wanky alternate fighters, costumes, stages or some kind of boob modification mod I can buy as DLC?! Oh well, I'll just have to spank my Microsoft Points on XBox Avatar Accessories then. Gaming Twenty fucking Twelve mother-bitches!






From Weird Metacritic user reviews tear Darksiders II to bits




"What the fuck is up with this piece of shit? It's got no graphics at all, how the hell am I meant to play this?...Oh, hang on..."

*turns on TV*



From Beta.Destructoid.com is a thing. Go try it out.




I assure you, no matter how much opportunity there will be to edit a comment, there will still be dumbass comments.




From Final Fantasy 25th Anniversary Ultimate Box announced




Is this the kind of thing you're looking for?







From Promoted blog: Why Minecraft laughs in DayZ's stupid face




Come on Shit Hawks, let's get it together! Also, I think our gang needs a new name; all the other gangs are laughing at us.







From Book of Memories gets new screens, fans go apeshit




Hey there, Mr Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope Man, play a song for me:



Please do not exceed the stated dose of Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope as this may cause side effects including dizziness, vomiting, the folded sweats, and genocide.




From Skyrim's Dawnguard DLC may never come to PS3




My Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope brings all the boys to the yard and they're like ding it's better than yours.



Damn right ding it's better than yours, I can teach you but I have to charge.




From The joy of fan games, pt. 2: Fan game heroes!




Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope, what you gonna do? What you gonna do when it comes for you?



There are times where even the Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope, a cold, hard, bullshit interpretation machine, can't help but think it's being used on altogether too much bullshit.




Tune in next week, different time, same channel.













This week I have been setting out remastering classic titles from the past for the modern generation, with their love of anti-aliasing and blooming lensflare. I'm sure you will agree that these improvements will help bring these classic titles to a new audience.

Battletoads



Starfox 64



Max Payne



Now, on to the comments!




From Molyneux's latest, Curiosity, has been delayed




The middle of the cube in Curiosity contains news that Kim Kardashian is dating Hitler confirmed.




From New Final Fantasy title is not called 'Lightning Saga'




Where's the love for Chrono Trigger and Secret of Mana too?




From Rejoice shoot-em-up fans: Under Defeat HD is set for PSN!




I'm fine with this, as long you don't take away my Pantless Teen Soldier Destiny Fighter games. I live for those.







From The Sleeping Dogs demo is now live

COLLAGE TIME! This week, the theme is "Sleeping Dogs Rhyme Time". Chris Carter opened the bidding, while Occams electric toothbrush, Arttemis, Isay Isay, NotoriousBIG420, Handy and Kurlija raised the stakes.




From Ubisoft claims 95% piracy rate, will go F2P in response




Best place to download pie: The Pirate Bake.




From Nintendo Power may be going under (Update)




"Cat Fancy"? That shitrag is still going is it?

The discerning cat owner has always been about "Catzia", with hot articles such as:

- "10 Tips To Make Your Cat Purr In Seconds!"

- "The Cat from Sabrina The Teenage Witch Talks Exclusively About His Catnip Addiction"

- "Telltale Signs That Your Cat Is Seeing Other Owners."







From Ico, Shadow of the Colossus producer Kenji Kaido quits




Our man at Sony, jimboxxx, gives us the scoop.




From Jimquisition: EA vs. Zynga - The Lesser of Two Evils




Let's clean the pigeons out of of the intake vent of the Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope and throw this essay in to see what pops out.





Remember, the Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope was not built to show mercy - it was originally built to make cappuccinos frothier. As you can tell, something went terribly wrong.




From Lollipop Chainsaw is Grasshopper's most shipped title




You're so vain, I bet you think this Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope was built for you, don't you? Don't you?





Please keep the Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope in a cool, dry place.




From COD: Black Ops II Hardened, Care Package edition details




One more? Alright, one more:





Remember - always spay your Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope. The last thing you want is lots of little Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scopes running around, nipping at your ankles.




You may be wondering why jimboxxx's comment didn't get gazed through the Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope. Unfortunately, this is because trying to run a jimboxxx comment through the Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope brings up a few...complications...





That's it this week. Goodbye, sweet princes and princesses.











(brought to you by the Campaign to Render Assholes Palatable)

No doubt you may have noticed that Comments of the Week is becoming a regular feature again. You may also noticed that I have the timekeeping skills of a drunk sloth with an inner ear malfunction, thus I was curious if any fans of the series would be interested in receiving an email alert when I drop a new hot slice of comment commentary coagulation into the community collected cacophony.

If you are interested, drop me a private message with your email address, and I'll set something up.




From PS Vita sold 2.2 million units between launch and June 30
The article:
Sony has revealed that the PlayStation Vita managed to sell 2.2 million units worldwide between launch and June 30. As is often Sony's way, it's not giving anything more up-to-date than that.

"The latest figures we've released for Vita (as of June 30th) are 2.2. million sales worldwide," a SCEE rep told Joystiq.

The last sales update was at the beginning of May, where it'd been revealed that the Vita sold 1.8 million units. So, in two months the system managed to shift around 400,000 units. The 3DS, meanwhile, was at 3.61 million units before it implemented the notorious price cut so soon after its North American launch.

Sony claims it does not plan to follow Nintendo and drop the Vita's price, not this year. In the world of sanity, people are asking why not. There's a fine line between proud and stupid.





Listen to this man Sony! Oh, and give thatgamecompany more money to make cool games. There's a good chap.




From Square Enix screws up Final Fantasy VII PC, says sorry




The box is inside another box, which there is a good chance you will be unable to open. If you do open it you will discover a 15-year-old wig, covered in lice.




From Jimquisition: Boycotts fail where whining tantrums win




Sad but true: Cause enough of a stink and you can get people to respond in order to try and get rid of you. Nobody likes a stink hanging around.







From Review: Sound Shapes




Seriously, man. Have you ever heard an octagon sing. I mean, really sing at you, like it wants you? It's pretty deep, man.




From Rumor: Dragon Age 3 story and co-op hints surface




Since the comment was released, Bioware has issued an artist's impression:



I have to say I can't wait.




From Is Square counting down to World Ends with You sequel?




Well turn your webcam on then, knutaf. Stop teasing the CoTW crowd.




From Fifty Shades of Grey got b*tch slapped by Hyrule Historia




I laughed, then felt a little sorry for VolksONER.

Then I laughed again.




From Square Enix screws up Final Fantasy VII PC, says sorry
COLLAGE TIME AGAIN! This week's theme is SCAREris. Jim Sterling threw it out there, and Nightsama and Smackybutts ran with it. I also included my own entry at the bottom because I'm a narcissistic little bumfluff CHAMPION!






From Sony man says PS Vita Cross-Buy is Europe-only (Update)




I can only see this "negative spin" if I actually spin, round and round until only the most cynical parts of my brain are functioning. Because Sony's not making you do anything.




From How Xbox Live is blatantly better than PSN




Better clean the spit off the lens of the good ol' Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope and see what hot mess we're turning our ocular senses to this time:



Remember, most detergents only get your dishes 99% clean; the Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope doesn't give a fuck about your dishes whatsoever.




From Assassin's Creed Liberation could quietly top AC III




Might as well give the Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope another blast on this number. Might as well, the Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope is a bugger to pack away:




Remember - the Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope is not available in shops! Order now and get an amazing paperweight/desk tidy/breezeblock ABSOLUTELY FOR AN ADDITIONAL $50 + P&P!




Another week is over, but don't be too despondent. There's a fair chance I'll be back next week.

That, or I'll dive into another mysterious 5-6 month absence and pop up with a new Comments Of The Week/War Story/Debatoid/MassDebate/Choose-Your-Own-Adventure/Interview/Parody at some point in 2013.

Either/Or. Currently it's coin flip odds.











Welcome folks to another fun-packed intense season of worldwide commentary comment-off! We have already had some crowd-wincing action as the competitors have been struggling into their leotards for over an hour. It seems there is no end to the odd formations the human body can conjure when forced against tight, supportive lycra!

It looks like our first contender is lining up, javelin clutched tight in hand. Why the judges are allowing this equipment in a comment-off is simply baffling us up in the studio but let's see where we go with this as the gun goes off to start the mayhem!




From Review: Dust: An Elysian Tail




You ever done a Google Image Search for "Bucky O' Hare porn"? Who am I kidding? Of course you haven't. (Who am I kidding? Of course you have.)




From Borderlands 2's 'girlfriend' tree sure sounds patronizing




Asininity? On The Inter-Nation Computational Device Network? Blasphemy!




From Mann vs. Machine: New co-op game for Team Fortress 2




Luckily, I'm working on building a new server as we speak. (A server is just a garbage bag filled with AA batteries, right?)







From Final Fantasy VII PC is available for download NOW









From Review: Sleeping Dogs

COLLAGE TIME! Credit to Isay Isay, jackdan594, SeymourDuncan17, LT Large, Marche100, qlum, Kiwamu, DreRox, TheToiletDuck, Arttemis, Innominatus, fetusmilk, and Occams electric toothbrush for the comments with the images in this here thing below:





From Pachter upsets Nintendo fans, says they'll buy anything




You know the secret to comedy, right?
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...it's timing.







From Review: The Last Story




Metalcricket? Never heard of it. I'm guessing it's some sort of extreme cricketing website.






From Black Ops II reinvents the multiplayer experience




Let me dust down the ol' Super-3D-Bullshit-O-Scope and really get to the crux of this barbed, tortured soul:





The Super-3D-Bullshit-O-Scope never lies. It may extort, but it never lies.




And as we draw a close to the proceedings, several competitors have gone to the judges to appeal that they were seriously compromised by that javelin blow to the shoulder, but the judges are hearing none of it. As we can see from our rulebook in the studio, there is no stipulation against competitors being injured by stray javelins. Commentary is a young and exciting sport and we will just have to see how other competitors react with this innovative use of athletics equipment in next week's Comments of the Week.











Oh hey guys! How've you been? Oh yes I've been pretty busy now. Just lost my job though, so as I've now got a bit more free time on my hands I thought I'd catch up on some gaming news and...

Wait a second. It's all kicking off regarding a story about a gaming convention that is friendly toward those that like to be intimately acquainted with the genitals of other beings their own gender, causing dun dun dunn controversy?

On the internet of all places, the vast conglomeration of computers and computational devices singing the song that joins the world in harmony and love and peace?

I can see why some people find a gay gaming convention baffling though! HAR HAR! They'll be wanting their own drinking establishments next! And the right to vote! What a world, eh?

On with the comments, my cheeky angel-faced deviants.




From Could this be a Prince of Persia reboot screenshot?




Good idea, but "I want" doesn't get, Isay Isay. So rude. So fucking, fucking rude.




From Classy post of the day: Dead or Alive 5 box and swimsuits




Put them together though, and you get cheesebeefcake. Who's going to eat that? No-one, that's who.



From Call of Duty: Black Ops II multiplayer revealed




I waited for the shitstorm but the shitstorm never came. I'm still not taking my shitstorm kagool off though, because it's pretty.



From PS3 PlayStation All-Stars will support arcade sticks





You're right, but don't ask questions; just drink in the super-hot Latin American goodness.






From Kamiya: PlayStation All-Stars is just an immoral rip-off




Yeah, and I'm sure EA are getting ready to ask Zynga to collaborate on a mobile Sims game ohnowait class action lawsuit. Oh well.




From Final Fantasy VII PC slipped out early, later pulled




To think that Paula Deen's pen touched that...I mean the photo, not OET's dick. Hell, her pen could have touched OET's dick too. If they're both consenting adults and it's a free country, why not?




From Hints at Valve's Source 2 engine found in Filmmaker code




You can tell that Vic was making that first bit up because there are enough Valve fans who have stood on their head, spun round ten times and pleasured themselves furiously to Gabe Newell that we would be well past the "rumor" stage right now, and well into the "established fact" stage.




From God of War, inFAMOUS, Ratchet all getting PS Collections




Hey Tris, they're putting TaleSpin in Kingdom Hearts 3!

Just kidding! Here's some Imagine Babies 2 news for ya though: More babies, still no weapons. Hope you likey!




From Review: Persona 4 Arena




Thanks for the new name for my penis, Shred!






From Emotional Reaction and New Genres Built 1 Sprite at a Time




I've written you guys a song, and it goes a little something, *picks up guitar* like this:

*strum*

"WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK ARE YOUR PROBLEMS? FUCKING GROW UP!"

*strum*

Still work in progress? Still work in progress.




From The importance of a gay gamer convention




Will someone please think of the 12 year old gay tranny black dog alien children?




From Review: Deponia




Let me just look that up for you types "Fire Emblem 3DS NA release" into Google

Ah, here we go: It says: "Allistair Pinsof is not your fucking games release date butler. If you want to find out, look it up yourself. If you can't find it on Google, ask Nintendo; the company that makes the actual game. Thank you!"




Anybody notice the lack of forums/social media comments? Me too. Well, I couldn't be fucked. Enjoy the blog love you bye!