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1:02 AM on 09.09.2012  

Comments of the Week: C-Blog Jaffa Cannon Edition



This week, I've done a bit of a switcheroo: All of the comments this week come from the Destructoid Community Blogs: The bastion of gamings most enamoured, brimming with zeal and purpose and grateful for the positivity and warmth of the community. There's also an awful lot of perverts amongst you. You know who you are, now tuck your dirty genitals away. You sicken me.

Now, on to the comments!




From 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand, Tears in my Eyes.




If you have not yet done so, read Handy's fantastic review. Don't worry, I'll still be here when you get back.




From Metroid Zero Mission Review




Hey, you two.

Get a room, you two.

Just kidding. It was great to see some constructive criticism used constructively to construct a more fluid blog. Kudos to both commentator PhilK3nS3bb3n and blogger Elect-Nigma.

Now get a room.






From [NVGR] Dwayne Johnson "lays the smack down" on film set burglars




Well then, shouldn't his name be Rock Lobster?






From Sleeping Dogs is Fun as Hell




Uh...Ooh! Wow. You nearly got him there...you nearly got him. Maybe next time though, hey!






From Contest Time - McPixel (DRM -Free, Win/Mac/Linux)




Full Release Massage, eh? I hope that doesn't include bowels too...




From PK493's Phenomenal PAX Adventure!




Mmm...

I mean... urgh! Gross! Yuck! That's what I mean!




From PK493's Phenomenal PAX Adventure!




and yet...I still want to go.







From Cblog Recaps of 09/05 et Striderisms




Not really a bullshit comment from Stealth, just incredibly poignant. Since I've dusted off the packing foam we might as well throw it though the Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope and see what happens:



4 out of 5 dentists don't know what I'm talking about when I ask them to recommend the Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope. The fifth one is me, pretending to be a dentist.




From Replay to a comment




Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope, let's ride:



The Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope was in danger of overheating on that one.




We should do this again sometime. Maybe over dinner? No. It's ok. I'm busy too. You hear that? I can't make it to dinner either you twat!

This may well be my last Comments of the Week for a bit. I'm still out of work and although it's fun compiling these blogs, I need to focus on getting a job. I hope you guys understand. Hopefully I will be back soon.

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3:25 PM on 09.02.2012  

Comments of the Week: Ode to a Folding Chair Edition




Have you seen my folding chair?

It shines with dandelion hair.

And when I go to sit, I glare,

At its delightful derrière.

And though it may seem strange, I swear;

I want to love it hard right there.

I'm captivated, in a snare.

I'm gorging on its constant stare.

In that silken summer air.

I want to hug it like a bear.

I escalate, I'm on the stair.

And as I say one final prayer,

With ancient, primal, sensual flair.

I explode like a distress flare.

And, sated by my brief affair.

I name my new love: "Mary-Claire".

Now, on to the comments!




From PAX: HOT Metal Gear Solid: Ground Zeroes footage




I've been taking a look at the early story that's been coming out of Kojima HQ and Stealth's in luck. The story mainly involves Big Boss opening a chain of chicken restaurants in the midwest, so it should really fit well with the context of the series.




From World Tekken Federation will be absolutely free with TTT2




Are you sure there's no wanky alternate fighters, costumes, stages or some kind of boob modification mod I can buy as DLC?! Oh well, I'll just have to spank my Microsoft Points on XBox Avatar Accessories then. Gaming Twenty fucking Twelve mother-bitches!






From Weird Metacritic user reviews tear Darksiders II to bits




"What the fuck is up with this piece of shit? It's got no graphics at all, how the hell am I meant to play this?...Oh, hang on..."

*turns on TV*



From Beta.Destructoid.com is a thing. Go try it out.




I assure you, no matter how much opportunity there will be to edit a comment, there will still be dumbass comments.




From Final Fantasy 25th Anniversary Ultimate Box announced




Is this the kind of thing you're looking for?







From Promoted blog: Why Minecraft laughs in DayZ's stupid face




Come on Shit Hawks, let's get it together! Also, I think our gang needs a new name; all the other gangs are laughing at us.







From Book of Memories gets new screens, fans go apeshit




Hey there, Mr Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope Man, play a song for me:



Please do not exceed the stated dose of Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope as this may cause side effects including dizziness, vomiting, the folded sweats, and genocide.




From Skyrim's Dawnguard DLC may never come to PS3




My Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope brings all the boys to the yard and they're like ding it's better than yours.



Damn right ding it's better than yours, I can teach you but I have to charge.




From The joy of fan games, pt. 2: Fan game heroes!




Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope, what you gonna do? What you gonna do when it comes for you?



There are times where even the Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope, a cold, hard, bullshit interpretation machine, can't help but think it's being used on altogether too much bullshit.




Tune in next week, different time, same channel.



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8:32 AM on 08.29.2012  

Comments of the Week: Lovingly Restored Edition




This week I have been setting out remastering classic titles from the past for the modern generation, with their love of anti-aliasing and blooming lensflare. I'm sure you will agree that these improvements will help bring these classic titles to a new audience.

Battletoads



Starfox 64



Max Payne



Now, on to the comments!




From Molyneux's latest, Curiosity, has been delayed




The middle of the cube in Curiosity contains news that Kim Kardashian is dating Hitler confirmed.




From New Final Fantasy title is not called 'Lightning Saga'




Where's the love for Chrono Trigger and Secret of Mana too?




From Rejoice shoot-em-up fans: Under Defeat HD is set for PSN!




I'm fine with this, as long you don't take away my Pantless Teen Soldier Destiny Fighter games. I live for those.







From The Sleeping Dogs demo is now live

COLLAGE TIME! This week, the theme is "Sleeping Dogs Rhyme Time". Chris Carter opened the bidding, while Occams electric toothbrush, Arttemis, Isay Isay, NotoriousBIG420, Handy and Kurlija raised the stakes.




From Ubisoft claims 95% piracy rate, will go F2P in response




Best place to download pie: The Pirate Bake.




From Nintendo Power may be going under (Update)




"Cat Fancy"? That shitrag is still going is it?

The discerning cat owner has always been about "Catzia", with hot articles such as:

- "10 Tips To Make Your Cat Purr In Seconds!"

- "The Cat from Sabrina The Teenage Witch Talks Exclusively About His Catnip Addiction"

- "Telltale Signs That Your Cat Is Seeing Other Owners."







From Ico, Shadow of the Colossus producer Kenji Kaido quits




Our man at Sony, jimboxxx, gives us the scoop.




From Jimquisition: EA vs. Zynga - The Lesser of Two Evils




Let's clean the pigeons out of of the intake vent of the Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope and throw this essay in to see what pops out.





Remember, the Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope was not built to show mercy - it was originally built to make cappuccinos frothier. As you can tell, something went terribly wrong.




From Lollipop Chainsaw is Grasshopper's most shipped title




You're so vain, I bet you think this Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope was built for you, don't you? Don't you?





Please keep the Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope in a cool, dry place.




From COD: Black Ops II Hardened, Care Package edition details




One more? Alright, one more:





Remember - always spay your Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope. The last thing you want is lots of little Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scopes running around, nipping at your ankles.




You may be wondering why jimboxxx's comment didn't get gazed through the Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope. Unfortunately, this is because trying to run a jimboxxx comment through the Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope brings up a few...complications...





That's it this week. Goodbye, sweet princes and princesses.

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11:16 AM on 08.21.2012  

Comments of the Week: Evolution of a Comment Edition




(brought to you by the Campaign to Render Assholes Palatable)

No doubt you may have noticed that Comments of the Week is becoming a regular feature again. You may also noticed that I have the timekeeping skills of a drunk sloth with an inner ear malfunction, thus I was curious if any fans of the series would be interested in receiving an email alert when I drop a new hot slice of comment commentary coagulation into the community collected cacophony.

If you are interested, drop me a private message with your email address, and I'll set something up.




From PS Vita sold 2.2 million units between launch and June 30
The article:
Sony has revealed that the PlayStation Vita managed to sell 2.2 million units worldwide between launch and June 30. As is often Sony's way, it's not giving anything more up-to-date than that.

"The latest figures we've released for Vita (as of June 30th) are 2.2. million sales worldwide," a SCEE rep told Joystiq.

The last sales update was at the beginning of May, where it'd been revealed that the Vita sold 1.8 million units. So, in two months the system managed to shift around 400,000 units. The 3DS, meanwhile, was at 3.61 million units before it implemented the notorious price cut so soon after its North American launch.

Sony claims it does not plan to follow Nintendo and drop the Vita's price, not this year. In the world of sanity, people are asking why not. There's a fine line between proud and stupid.





Listen to this man Sony! Oh, and give thatgamecompany more money to make cool games. There's a good chap.




From Square Enix screws up Final Fantasy VII PC, says sorry




The box is inside another box, which there is a good chance you will be unable to open. If you do open it you will discover a 15-year-old wig, covered in lice.




From Jimquisition: Boycotts fail where whining tantrums win




Sad but true: Cause enough of a stink and you can get people to respond in order to try and get rid of you. Nobody likes a stink hanging around.







From Review: Sound Shapes




Seriously, man. Have you ever heard an octagon sing. I mean, really sing at you, like it wants you? It's pretty deep, man.




From Rumor: Dragon Age 3 story and co-op hints surface




Since the comment was released, Bioware has issued an artist's impression:



I have to say I can't wait.




From Is Square counting down to World Ends with You sequel?




Well turn your webcam on then, knutaf. Stop teasing the CoTW crowd.




From Fifty Shades of Grey got b*tch slapped by Hyrule Historia




I laughed, then felt a little sorry for VolksONER.

Then I laughed again.




From Square Enix screws up Final Fantasy VII PC, says sorry
COLLAGE TIME AGAIN! This week's theme is SCAREris. Jim Sterling threw it out there, and Nightsama and Smackybutts ran with it. I also included my own entry at the bottom because I'm a narcissistic little bumfluff CHAMPION!






From Sony man says PS Vita Cross-Buy is Europe-only (Update)




I can only see this "negative spin" if I actually spin, round and round until only the most cynical parts of my brain are functioning. Because Sony's not making you do anything.




From How Xbox Live is blatantly better than PSN




Better clean the spit off the lens of the good ol' Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope and see what hot mess we're turning our ocular senses to this time:



Remember, most detergents only get your dishes 99% clean; the Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope doesn't give a fuck about your dishes whatsoever.




From Assassin's Creed Liberation could quietly top AC III




Might as well give the Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope another blast on this number. Might as well, the Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope is a bugger to pack away:




Remember - the Super 3D Bullshit-O-Scope is not available in shops! Order now and get an amazing paperweight/desk tidy/breezeblock ABSOLUTELY FOR AN ADDITIONAL $50 + P&P!




Another week is over, but don't be too despondent. There's a fair chance I'll be back next week.

That, or I'll dive into another mysterious 5-6 month absence and pop up with a new Comments Of The Week/War Story/Debatoid/MassDebate/Choose-Your-Own-Adventure/Interview/Parody at some point in 2013.

Either/Or. Currently it's coin flip odds.

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6:17 PM on 08.14.2012  

Comments of the Week: Blow-By-Blow Comment Commentary Edition




Welcome folks to another fun-packed intense season of worldwide commentary comment-off! We have already had some crowd-wincing action as the competitors have been struggling into their leotards for over an hour. It seems there is no end to the odd formations the human body can conjure when forced against tight, supportive lycra!

It looks like our first contender is lining up, javelin clutched tight in hand. Why the judges are allowing this equipment in a comment-off is simply baffling us up in the studio but let's see where we go with this as the gun goes off to start the mayhem!




From Review: Dust: An Elysian Tail




You ever done a Google Image Search for "Bucky O' Hare porn"? Who am I kidding? Of course you haven't. (Who am I kidding? Of course you have.)




From Borderlands 2's 'girlfriend' tree sure sounds patronizing




Asininity? On The Inter-Nation Computational Device Network? Blasphemy!




From Mann vs. Machine: New co-op game for Team Fortress 2




Luckily, I'm working on building a new server as we speak. (A server is just a garbage bag filled with AA batteries, right?)







From Final Fantasy VII PC is available for download NOW









From Review: Sleeping Dogs

COLLAGE TIME! Credit to Isay Isay, jackdan594, SeymourDuncan17, LT Large, Marche100, qlum, Kiwamu, DreRox, TheToiletDuck, Arttemis, Innominatus, fetusmilk, and Occams electric toothbrush for the comments with the images in this here thing below:





From Pachter upsets Nintendo fans, says they'll buy anything




You know the secret to comedy, right?
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...it's timing.







From Review: The Last Story




Metalcricket? Never heard of it. I'm guessing it's some sort of extreme cricketing website.






From Black Ops II reinvents the multiplayer experience




Let me dust down the ol' Super-3D-Bullshit-O-Scope and really get to the crux of this barbed, tortured soul:





The Super-3D-Bullshit-O-Scope never lies. It may extort, but it never lies.




And as we draw a close to the proceedings, several competitors have gone to the judges to appeal that they were seriously compromised by that javelin blow to the shoulder, but the judges are hearing none of it. As we can see from our rulebook in the studio, there is no stipulation against competitors being injured by stray javelins. Commentary is a young and exciting sport and we will just have to see how other competitors react with this innovative use of athletics equipment in next week's Comments of the Week.

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10:30 AM on 08.08.2012  

Comments of the week: Merrie Olde Gaye Edition




Oh hey guys! How've you been? Oh yes I've been pretty busy now. Just lost my job though, so as I've now got a bit more free time on my hands I thought I'd catch up on some gaming news and...

Wait a second. It's all kicking off regarding a story about a gaming convention that is friendly toward those that like to be intimately acquainted with the genitals of other beings their own gender, causing dun dun dunn controversy?

On the internet of all places, the vast conglomeration of computers and computational devices singing the song that joins the world in harmony and love and peace?

I can see why some people find a gay gaming convention baffling though! HAR HAR! They'll be wanting their own drinking establishments next! And the right to vote! What a world, eh?

On with the comments, my cheeky angel-faced deviants.




From Could this be a Prince of Persia reboot screenshot?




Good idea, but "I want" doesn't get, Isay Isay. So rude. So fucking, fucking rude.




From Classy post of the day: Dead or Alive 5 box and swimsuits




Put them together though, and you get cheesebeefcake. Who's going to eat that? No-one, that's who.



From Call of Duty: Black Ops II multiplayer revealed




I waited for the shitstorm but the shitstorm never came. I'm still not taking my shitstorm kagool off though, because it's pretty.



From PS3 PlayStation All-Stars will support arcade sticks





You're right, but don't ask questions; just drink in the super-hot Latin American goodness.






From Kamiya: PlayStation All-Stars is just an immoral rip-off




Yeah, and I'm sure EA are getting ready to ask Zynga to collaborate on a mobile Sims game ohnowait class action lawsuit. Oh well.




From Final Fantasy VII PC slipped out early, later pulled




To think that Paula Deen's pen touched that...I mean the photo, not OET's dick. Hell, her pen could have touched OET's dick too. If they're both consenting adults and it's a free country, why not?




From Hints at Valve's Source 2 engine found in Filmmaker code




You can tell that Vic was making that first bit up because there are enough Valve fans who have stood on their head, spun round ten times and pleasured themselves furiously to Gabe Newell that we would be well past the "rumor" stage right now, and well into the "established fact" stage.




From God of War, inFAMOUS, Ratchet all getting PS Collections




Hey Tris, they're putting TaleSpin in Kingdom Hearts 3!

Just kidding! Here's some Imagine Babies 2 news for ya though: More babies, still no weapons. Hope you likey!




From Review: Persona 4 Arena




Thanks for the new name for my penis, Shred!






From Emotional Reaction and New Genres Built 1 Sprite at a Time




I've written you guys a song, and it goes a little something, *picks up guitar* like this:

*strum*

"WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK ARE YOUR PROBLEMS? FUCKING GROW UP!"

*strum*

Still work in progress? Still work in progress.




From The importance of a gay gamer convention




Will someone please think of the 12 year old gay tranny black dog alien children?




From Review: Deponia




Let me just look that up for you types "Fire Emblem 3DS NA release" into Google

Ah, here we go: It says: "Allistair Pinsof is not your fucking games release date butler. If you want to find out, look it up yourself. If you can't find it on Google, ask Nintendo; the company that makes the actual game. Thank you!"




Anybody notice the lack of forums/social media comments? Me too. Well, I couldn't be fucked. Enjoy the blog love you bye!

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4:07 PM on 07.08.2012  

Finite Lives Episode 1: Assassins Creed III




For my first foray in what the big boys would call a "satirical audio piece", I've concocted a hard-hitting interview series titled "Finite Lives." In the show I interview a series of (totally fictional) creative types about games, gaming and gameology (the study of games).

In my first episode, I hypothetically travel to Ubisoft's headquarters and interview fictional Creativity Technician and quite possibly racist stereotype Jean-Jacques Bouliabaise about Assassin's Creed III, subtitled: The Patriot Dances With Wolves.

To listen to the stream or download the MP3 go to the link below. at 7 mins 13 seconds it's shorter than some kitten compilations!

Finite Lives Episode 1 stream and download

As an organized sort, I wrote an initial script which I did riff off of a little, but for those of you lovers of the written word, please find below:

Sean: Hi there, welcome to Finite Lives. I am your host, Sean Daisy, your compere extraordinaire. Today I have an exclusive interview with Creativity Technician at Ubisoft [pronounce YOU-BEE-SOFT]...

J-J: Ubisoft? [pronounce YOU-BEE-SOFT]

Sean: I’m sorry?

J-J: Ubisoft [pronounce OOO-BEE-SOFT]. My company is pronounced “Ubisoft”. [pronounce OOO-BEE-SOFT]

Sean: Excuse me. Jean-Jacques Bouliabaise, welcome to the show.

J-J: Excusez-Moi Sean, but please call me J-J. I can’t bear to hear my name sodomised in such a ridiculous fashion.

Sean: Oh. Awfully sorry J-J. As I was saying, he is here to talk about Assassin’s Creed 3, the hotly awaited sequel to Assassin's Creed Revelations, which would probably be a little more hotly anticipated if there weren’t an Assassin’s Creed game every 6 months.

J-J: Sean, if I could stop you there.

Sean: Yes, yes of course.

J-J: No doubt you understand that I am French.

Sean: Indeed I do.

J-J: Well, I hope you understand that English is not my premier language. As such, I hope I do not offend you and accidentally refer to sexual acts with your mother as we talk about the forthcoming Assassin’s Creed Trois.

Sean: No, I hope not, though that would be quite a slip of the tongue.

J-J: Aha! As we say in France, Perhaps that is something your mother would say? Am I right Monsieur Sean?

Sean: Aha! Very good, Mister J-J.

J-J: Yes, I thought you might like that.

Sean: Yes indeed...Now, back to Assassin’s Creed 3, and as far away from my parents as possible. Firstly, you have been involved in Assassin’s Creed from the very beginning.

J-J: That is correct, Monsieur Sean.

Sean: What was the inspiration behind the Assassin’s Creed series?

J-J: Well I have to say Monsieur Sean, the initial pitch was a game in which a man falls asleep inside a computer and eventually learns to have sex with it, but then we realised that this may be considered, how you say, controversial? So we decided to watch Cocktail, The Matrix, Kingdom of Heaven and Ronin, and eat a lot of very strong cheese and drink a lot of very cheap wine, and we decided to make this game about a bartender with a crisis of confidence, that is kidnapped and forced through a computer to relive the time of the Crusades. Quite simple really.

Sean: Ok. Yes. It all makes sense now. Kind of. Now, J-J, what changes are there to the Assassin’s Creed template in III?

J-J: Tres bien. As you may or may not know, Assassin’s Creed Trois is set during the American Revolution. As a Creativity Techniciann, I was obliged to read my first American Revolution history book, and I found that the American Revolution had a lot of guns. Obviously we felt we could include this in the game, thereby indroducing a new feature called “shooting”.

Sean: Like a shooting game?

J-J: I know, right? Oui, it sounds crazy but I promise, if you try it out, you will never look back.

Sean: Right...Are there any features you can exclusively reveal to the good folk at Finite Lives?

J-J: As a matter of fact I do Monsieur sean! We have an interesting new recruitment system. What you do is make a Snowman during the day, and at night you wish upon a star to make the snowman real. If your prayers are heard, you will receive a new recruit in the form of a snowman assassin!

Sean: A snowman...assassin?

J-J: Yes, that is right. He will join your party and fight for you... up until the point that it gets a bit too hot and he melts away.

Sean: Hold on a sec, that doesn’t sound...at all realistic.

J-J: You play a man who can fall hundreds of metres from the tallest tower and land unscathed in a barrow of hay. You think that putting Snowman assassins in the game will SUDDENLY make it unrealistic?

[bSean:[/b] You’ve got me there, J-J. Another subject I was looking to broach with you is the controversial decision to take a particularly partisan attitude in favour of the American side of the Revolutionary War.

J-J: I do not see what is so controversial about it. The British were clearly the bad guys or they would not have lost.

Sean: But surely it would be also interesting to consider the ideology of the American movement. Chief among the ideas of the American Enlightenment were the concepts of liberalism, democracy, republicanism, and religious tolerance. Surely a certain degree of criticism of the beliefs behind this ideology and the modern America we see today would help make the plot behind Assassin’s Creed III a deeper, more rounded affair?

J-J: You are entitled to your opinion Sean, even though it happens to be wrong, but you must understand that if we do not present your cause as entirely noble, this could end up making gamers confused and sad. We want to make it abundantly clear that the men whose heads you are planting tomahawk blades in are bad men. Very bad men indeed.

Sean: J-J, thank you very much for your time.

J-J: De rien, Monsieur Sean. Adieu.

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7:50 PM on 05.26.2012  

Choose Your Own E3 Adventure 2: Exposition Harder



The fierce midday sun tears into the unwary traveller to the City of Angels, and holds no pity on you as you limp to the corner of West 12th and St Figueroa. The crowd outside the Los Angeles Convention Center buzzes like an angry wasp as it impatiently funnels through the recently opened doors. The front entrance looms like the mountain in Journey, and like that mountain, the Convention Center is an awesome and imposingly distant sight. You see only three options in front of you: You could stick it out with the other mugs and latecomers in the line, charm or bully your way to the front of the throng, or sneak around the side to see if you can find one of those classy "alternative routes" that super cool adventures have these days.

Get in line

Make a bid for the front of the line

Sneak round the side

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4:39 PM on 04.25.2012  

War Story 4: Modern Warshooter (Part II)





[When last we left our heroes... Captain Tincap was still cooler than a frozen cucumber on a cold day in winter, Private Party blew up a dog as well as a couple holes in an alley wall, Private First Class Session had a face sodden with paint. With a whizz and a splash, we slip back into the mind of our hero, Private Chat.

0927 Hours – Operation Flawless Victory
Private Chat - Alpha Team Bravo Special Ops Company War Hero Salute
26km East of the Baddistan border, the town of Ra's Al Ghul.

Private Chat reloaded his M16, since he had already fired 3 rounds. Then it was time to sprint like hell down the alley since it looked empty. Thankfully, his team didn’t think this was retarded, let alone reckless, and decided to join him on his merry jaunt into the blinding light of the empty streets of Downtown Ra’s Al Ghul.

“Let’s get to work.” Private Session murmured, as he pulled a ham sandwich out of his knapsack and nibbled on the corner.

“Me balls are blistering for some hot dog good old time shooting by my good savage Lord!” Private Party whistled, as he leapt in the air and performed a signature Fred Astaire heel click.

Captain Tincap got on the radio, “Golf S-22, we’re going to need a clean sweep of the area with your shooty planes, check the sonar for mines, and get me some jalapeno relish. This is excellent barbecue weather.”

“Roger that Sierra Cosworth,” Golf S-22 chattered “sending in the hot sauce and mystery jets now. Stand by, over by that blowy newspaper.”

“Roger that Golf S-22,” Tincap bellowed. “Over And Out. Oh wait! Damn, I already said Over And Out. It’s bad form to get back on the radio.”

Private Chat bounced into the next clear alley and sprayed bullets at some distant locals. Luckily, they happened to be heavily armed terrorists, so that was alright then.

“Giddy up!” Party yelped, as he somersaulted into a spread leg crouch and blew an empty bean tin into a rusty mesh fence with a blast from his SPAS-12.

“Hooray.” Session mumbled, as he hopped on a ledge, skittered along like a wet rat chasing a cascading cheddar slice, flew through the air with the grace of a ballet dancer, pulled a hunting knife from behind his ear and opened a terrorist from sternum to throat with a sweeping upward strike, before delivering an unnecessary suplex.

Private Chat threw away his special issue, state-of-the-art assault rifle and ripped one of the terrorist’s dusty AK-47s from his twitching grasp, before somehow reloading it.

“Hold up padres,” Captain Tincap babbled “here is our contact.”

Tikelykov emerged from the shadows like an emerging shadow, smoking a lean cigarette and looking particularly Russian and dissident in his white vest, stonewashed jeans and brooding goatee. He slung his AKS-74U over his shoulder and gave Tincap’s team a careful sneer.

“Zo, you are the contacds thad thingk yoo can infitrade der researching baze?”

“Holy hell!” Party smirked. “Your accent is hilarious.”

“I do not like your tone, komrade.” Tikelykov leered. “But, you hav an honest face. You cannot lie to me with that face. Come, join me down this other alley.”

The team followed Tikelykov down the other alley.

“Nice alley.” Session whispered in appreciation.

“In our country, we call this a ‘Pause in the Action’” Tikelykov gestured. “It will give you the chance to reload.”

“You don’t need to reload a knife.” Session hissed, pulling the ham sandwich from his pocket to snatch another bite.

“You are crushing my buzz.” Captain Tincap intoned, spinning circles with his forefingers. “Are we nearly there yet, Tikelykov?”

“Yes.” Tikelykov sighed. “The door. Here. The only door here.”

Tincap looked at the only door at the end of the alley, right in front of him, and narrowed his eyes.
“Careful you don’t make a powerful enemy, Tikelykov.”

“I’ll be sure of that.” Tikelykov chimed, as he ushered the team into the apartment building. Shuffling up two floors, Tikelykov gestured at the smeared window. “Over there, is the secret research base.”

The view shocked the team into forgetting that Tikelykov’s accent had completely faded.

Lightening struck the corners of the imposing, towering factory. As the clouds loomed over in the distance, the gleaming pink neon glow of the ‘SECRET RESEARCH BASE’ sign bloomed over the rickety Baddistan tenements, shanty houses and chic coffee shops.

“Okey dokey.” Tincap slurred, as he slung round his shoulder bag, pulled out a cheap laptop, blew some sand off the lid, and pressed and held the power button on. The familiar Windows startup chime echoed through the abandoned flats.

“Right. Chat, I want you to contact Golf-22 and move around the mystery jets.” Tincap chimed. “Meantime, I’ve got a bottle of rum here that hasn’t had the cap torn off yet. Challenge accepted, Mr spread out bat on the label.”

Private Chat nodded in approval, picked up the laptop, and gawped at the graphic elderly threesome on the front screen.

“Close that.” Tincap said, as he snatched the computer from Chat’s hands. “Close that error pop-up too. No, I don’t want to update Flash right now. Ok, wait for RealPlayer to load. Hang on? Has it frozen? Give it a minute. Right, now there should be a shortcut that says ‘Mystery Jets’. There it is.”

Tincap clicked the icon, then clicked it again. Nothing happened.

“H-hold on...” Tincap stuttered. “I’ll double click it faster.”

Tincap clicked the icon, then clicked and dragged the icon to the middle of the screen.

“Come here...You sneaky bastard.” Tincap squeaked.

Tincap finally opened up Mystery Jets.exe

“Yes! By Zeus, I’ve got this fucking thing open!” Tincap blinked, lobbing the laptop over to Chat, hauling the bottle of rum out of his knapsack, spinning the cap off and drilling half the bottle in four large gulps.

‘MYSTERY JETS’ was emblazoned on the laptop screen in Spectrum ZX-like red-on-black glory.

“Give them hell, soldier.” Tincap swaggered, as he thudded into a corner of the corridor, licked his thumb and started peeling the label off the rum.

Chat started pressing the buttons and pointed the green ships to lob yellow balls at the nasty red squares.

Out the window, the pyrotechnic display was earth-shattering and awe-inspiring as chunks of the research base flew over the town of Ra’s Al Ghul aplenty.

“Blammo!” Party screamed, like a caffeine-buoyant 6-year-old birthday hero gobbling a pizza pie while following the exploits of duelling anime robots in glorious high definition in a hot dark hotel on a Friday night.

“Captain Tincap, Sir.” Session whispered. “Permission to speak freely.”

“You have permission to speak. Loose as a summer ham.” Tincap whimpered, tipping his hat over his eyes.

“This is meant to be a rescue operation.”

“Blammo!” Party chirruped, eyes agape, wiggling all jazz hands agogo.

“Aw, alright.” Tincap sighed. “Call off the Mystery Jets. Press Control Alt Delete and close all the Processes. Reboot to start and leave it on the user screen. Look! My icon is a bunny!”

“Ohhhhhhhh.” Party sulked, scuffing his heel on the floor. “Shoot.”

“Captain,” Session murmered. “Let’s rappel out this window, and go rescue this scientist.”

“Okay okay. Jesus, don’t be so uptight.” Tincap muttered, guzzling off the remainder of the bottle. “Now help me up.”

“Yes Sir.” Session whispered, shedding a single tear.

“You guys.” Tikelykov muttered. “You guys are...different.”

TO BE CONTINUED

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1:01 AM on 04.06.2012  

10 Things about “Sean Daisy”? Nice name, jerkoff!

Let's not tickle your balls here. You know the format by now, so let's get bloody started!


1. I’ve not been around lately. I’ll be back soon.

Some of you may be wondering, “Who is this young upstart, masquerading as a member of staff? Stwike him woughly, centuwion!”





I will freely admit that I have not been around the last few months. Basically, I lost all the free time I was using to contribute to Destructoid. I had some personal things to sort out with my 9-to-5 job. I won't bore you with the details, but I'm getting back on track now, and there's a good chance you'll be seeing my name popping back up on the front page more often again, and soon.


2. I've written for another publication. (TREACHERY?!)





I've submitted a handful of articles for PostDesk, a recently launched lifestyle blog. I've had some pretty positive feedback and will be hearing back soon about making money for my contributions. MONEY FROM CONTRIBUTIONS?! STWIKE HIM AGAIN CENTUWION! AND THWOW HIM TO THE FLOOR AGAIN!


3. I am award winning! (Not right now, but in the past)





As a child I won awards in sports, chess and public speaking. As an adult I won a pizza speed eating relay. No trophy for that one, but I won a share of a case of beer. A fitting tribute, I think.


4. I am a father of one, soon to be a father of two





Yep! I have one two-year-old daughter and will have another child around July-August time. Careful ladies, there is a significant chance that I am so fertile that reading this sentence may require a quick pregnancy test.


5. I wrote a sitcom and submitted it to a few production companies





Indeed! In the trammels of my youth it probably wasn't the finest spot of writing, but I had a couple of production companies affectionately write back to say my writing was bad, and I should be made to feel bad.


6. Almost every job I have had has been in marketing





I have worked at 4 different marketing agencies, mainly in Operations departments. If you wonder what the Operations department do, they are the department that actually get all the work done.


7. I once drank my pee to get out of a day at school





This pre-dates Bear Grylls by over a decade, but that's not to say he got the idea from me.

I bet he did though; the thieving, pee drinking, handsome bastard.


8. I was a child prodigy





As a kid, I solved Rubik's cubes for fun, won a scholarship to a local public school and was so good at maths that I would set tests for the other students. Now, I can't solve a Rubik's cube for shit.


9. I invented a bunch of creatures called Fuzzies and drew hundreds of them





Again, this was part of my childhood exploits. I would draw hundreds of these little guys, and they all had different powers, in a sort of rip-off of Lemmings.

Okay, total rip-off of Lemmings.


10. My love of videogames has got me in trouble with women





Another story as a child: One summer, a female friend had carefully choreographed a dance to the Grease soundtrack and set about performing it in the garden. Meanwhile, I stayed up in her room and played Revenge of the Mutant Camels on her Amiga.

When she found out that I'd been up in her room playing a surreal scrolling shooter rather than watching her routine, she came up to her room and gave me a slap. I ran home crying.

I regret nothing. Ok, I regret getting slapped. But, other than that, nothing.

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7:15 AM on 03.26.2012  

War Story 4: Modern Warshooter (Part I)



0922 Hours – Operation Flawless Victory
Private Chat - Alpha Team Bravo Special Ops Company War Hero Salute
26km East of the Baddistan border, the town of Ra's Al Ghul.

The Chinnok S-class Superfly Special is equipped to carry 4 wisecracking patriotic troops, ammunition, a sweet minigun that doesn’t run out of ammo and a hot, atmospheric dubstep soundtrack with ethnic undertones to help illustrate the foreign nature of the region.

Private Chat’s M16 with sniper scope has seen him through 3 campaigns in the Baddistan region. Nonetheless, he nervously fingers its butt as the voice of Major Asspain echoes through his head, offering some helpful exposition if you happened to be a joypad-wielding observer wondering why he’ll be gunning down copper-coloured, lightly armed natives in 5 minutes:

“You bunch of low-life, cock-sucking maggots are the lowest bunch of life-sucking maggot cocks I’ve ever seen in my 5 years on Broadway and 15 years in the YOU ESS AYE SPECIAL MARINES” Major Asspain hollered, spitting out a half pound of chewing tobacco into the desert sand at Camp Christmas, “Now LISSEN UP.”

“At 0900 Alpha Team Bravo Special Ops Company War Hero Salute will be helos up and heading out DEEP into the heart of ENEMY TERRITORY. We have it on GOOD AUTHORITY that notorious German nuclear scientist Dr Kruscht Icemaschin has been kidnapped by Baddistan splinter terrorist faction Alqa-Holabuse to help develop their weapons-grade nuclear bad people attack plan.

Your mission is to rendezvous with our informant Tikelykov, infiltrate their research base and extract Dr Icemaschin AND the bad people attack plans.

Come back alive, and maybe we’ll pin a medal on the chest of one of you butt-munching turd pushers. Now let’s have gay sex I mean READY UP, you bunch of ass licking schlong shufflers!”

The Chinnok begins its descent, as Private Chat snaps out of his plot-filling stupor, he eyes up his team as they ready for the drop, nodding with approval like a cheap dashboard ornament:

Private Party – crack shot with a gun, completed over 15 campaigns throughout War Story 2 and 3, with a bad mouth and a worse taste in women, he’s one funny, cold hard son-of-a-mother.

Private First Class Session – Dark and brooding, he’s seen terrible things in war that he won’t like to talk about until halfway through the game in a ten-minute cutscene. He’s an expert at demolitions and tearing a terrorist’s head off like a shrimp.

Captain Tincap – Infantry leader of Alpha Team Bravo Special Ops Company War Hero Salute; veteran of the War Story series; favoured character in the graphic novel War Story Legends, Facebook tower defence game War Story Tower Siege and iPhone go-karting spinoff War Story Go-Kartz.

Captain Tincap’s trademark camouflage trilby, electric white sideburns and target-stamped eye patch are illuminated by the Chinnok’s sombre interior lighting. As the Chinnok approaches ground, Tincap thoughtfully tucks away his unicorn bong.

“Let’s...go to work boys.” he intones in the deep, clear enunciation of Sir Patrick Stewart (OBE for services to Awesome Voices)

The chinnok grounds and everyone hops out eagerly. Private Party throws a few frag grenades at a stray dog, forming a crater of puree. “Sorry guys,” Party shrugs “I meant to duck.”

As the helo rises, Chinnok Pilot Chinnokpilot crackles through the comms unit, “Will RV with you 1000 hours at the extraction point. Good luck, over and out.”

Private Session sprints nervously against a well-worn, rickety fence. Captain Tincap clutches his comms unit, “10-4 Chinnokpilot. Roger that. See you there. Love you.”

The team group up near a beaten up alley. The gentle sound of sitar music and the trash blowing through the discarded boxes and beaten-up cars help illustrate that you’re entering a weird hell hole with baddies inside.

Suddenly, from deep cover, a fierce, copper-coloured man somersaults into view, yelping with a mixture of savage abdominal pain, elation, and lukewarm mania, he cocks his standard-issue Kalashnikov, his scream of “WELCOME TO THE NEIGHBOURHOOD!” in thick Arabic is utterly indecipherable to the team, but the pirouette of gunfire gives the incoming team all the information they need.

“Weapons free.” barks Tincap, “Woop woop.”

“In the name of Bieber!” screams Party, pulling a 12-guage from the strap on his back; he unloads a few rounds into the wall to get a feel for it.

“Happy Easter.” murmurs Sessions, as he cracks his knuckles, and opens a tin of black paint with a pallet knife, scooping the emulsion up by the handful and massaging it into his face.

Private Chat stares down his telescopic sight and trains his reticule on the stranger. A single three-round burst and the strange man’s head pops like a cheap balloon at a 3-year-old’s birthday party after the children have had too much trifle and they get over-excited and start running around and forget at that age they lack the dexterity to keep their balance at that kind of speed on polished wood and suddenly they bundle into the carefully prepared table with all the gift bags and pop go all the cheap balloons.

“Tango down.” chirps Party.

“Good work men,” bellows Tincap as he gently tickles his chin, “let’s move out.”

TO BE CONTINUED

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5:15 PM on 10.04.2011  

Gamer's Alphabet (shortblog)

Ok, so I was inspired by those alphabet playmats you get for children to make a Gamer's Alphabet version, to put on a t-shirt or whatever. Here is a draft of the design:



The characters are listed below (including the series for which they are most famous, where the series is not eponymous)

Alex Kidd
Bomberman
Crash Bandicoot
Donkey Kong
Ezio Auditore da Firenze (Assassin's Creed)
Fox McCloud (Star Fox)
Gordon Freeman (Half-Life)
Heavy (Team Fortress)
Ice Climbers
Jill Valentine (Resident Evil)
Kirby
Link (The Legend of Zelda)
Mario
NiGHTS
Otacon (Metal Gear Solid)
Pac-Man
Q*Bert
Ryu (Street Fighter)
Sonic The Hedgehog
Terry Bogard (Fatal Fury)
Ulala (Space Channel 5)
Viewtiful Joe
Wario (Super Mario)
Xiao Qiao (Dynasty Warriors)
Yoshimitsu (Tekken)
Zero (Mega Man)

Naturally I was looking for iconic characters, and I set myself the impediment of characters known chiefly for videogame fame that I could get a decent image of on a white background (I had to remove two initial choices of Nathan Drake and Ico for that reason). I also tried not to lean too heavily on one particular series, genre or era, so went for a mixed bag of characters as long as I could apply the principles that they were sufficiently iconic and that I could obtain an appropriate image.

I wanted to share this draft to find out the community's thoughts. Are there any characters that people would swap out? What characters would you like to see instead? Any suggestions are welcome.

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