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Pikachu is the man. He's the Pokeman. He's the BEST Pokeman.
"That's a laugh. Pikachu, the best Pokeman? He's not even the best Smash Bros. character. All the best characters have been dibbed, and you have been left with that poor excuse for a fighter."
You pause, slowly letting a smug grin form in your face.
"Well, MY character is the very best, like no one ever was. He got the moves like jagger, and he's a SSS in this totally incontestable tier list that was made one week after the game was out in Japan. His nair, dair, fair, cair, tair and xair are all great. He's got this sick alternate skin. He's totally unique in unique ways that no other character is. He's got infinite combos and chain grabs, and unlike that yellow rat, his smash attacks are all super str-- AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"
Fried like a fish, you drop dead on the ground. The smell of your burned carcass filling the air.
Behind you stands a shadowy figure. The sillhouette of two horns sticking out of its head.
REASONS WHY YOU DON'T WANNA MESS WITH PIKACHU
Reason Number One!
He's cute but deadly
Poor you. You are dead! What was your mistake? You let the cute and frail appearance of Pikachu deceive you. Tsk tsk, bad mistake.
Behind the aura of innocence emanating from Pikachu, hides the soul of a detached killer capable of the most foul deeds. Like a wild animal that mercilessly slaughters its prey, Pikachu has no hesitation, no remorse, no empathy. He's an ice cold badass, and he's fully aware of it.
Reason Number Chu!
He's sooo cute!
I mean, just look at him. Awww. Don't you just want to take him home, and pet him, and feed him, and sleep holding him tightly, and pull his tail and pinch those sweet cheeks!
Do you ever wonder why Pikachu is the most popular Pokeman ever, being used front and center in all the Pokeman related products? No you don't. You know it instinctively that there's no match for Pikachu's cuteness and allure. That's the way of the universe. It is written in the Bible, "shall you never envy Pikachu's cuteness, cause there ain't no cute as cute as Pikacute's". True story.
Reason Number Three!
"Pika" sounds like "Pica", which is a slang for "dick" in Portuguese
And he says "Pika" all the time. It's kinda funny.
Reason Number Four!
He's got ninety nine problems but a bitch ain't one
Like you might have guessed by now, Pikachu is a hit with the ladies. That fluffy yellow skin? Those pointy ears? That dazzling tail? His overall badassery? It makes the girls WET.
Hot damn Pikachu
He doesn't even need to do anything. He enters a room, says his own name, and bam! Suddenly he's surrounded by the ladies. And he doesn't discriminate. He knows everyone wants to get a taste of ol' Pikachu, and he's happy to oblige. He walks around naked for god's sake!
In fact, even Dtoid community member Pixielated couldn't resist Pikachu's tremendous charm and choose him to be her partner in crime. The crime of stealing him from ME!
Reason Number Five!
"Chu" looks like "Cu", which is a slang for "butthole" in Portuguese
Is this the most amazing of coincidences or what? Come on, throw me a bone here. CRASS HUMOR, YOU GUYS!
Reason Number Six!
His attacks are super effective!
Seriously though, Pikachu is actually a pretty good character in all of the Smash Bros. games. He is considered the best character in the original Super Smash Bros., and overall middle tier in Melee and Brawl. And in the new Super Smash Bros, he seems to be fast and his attacks can still pack a punch.
So come day 3, you better be prepared for some ass-kicking, yellow rat style!
Oh. Oh no... N-no Pikachu, I-I didn't mean..!
IT'S ALMOST TIME TO SMASH! (on the 3DS)
And I'm excited. As I'm sure all you smashing brothers and sisters out there are too. :)
So let's trade friend codes! I know the release is still two weeks from now, but I think it would be convenient for we all to have added each other by the time the game is released. It would also make things easier if in the future there is a Destructoid tournament. Someone should organize that!
My 3DS friend code is 2148-9562-9349. Leave yours on the comment section and add all your Dtoid pals that leave theirs here too.
Oh, and don't forget to brush your teeth three times a day. Ciao!
Ah, the days of my youth... like the scent of fresh lemons, you see.
Do you remember when games came with informative, colorful manuals?
Of course you don't, you whippersnapper! You were not even in the belly of your mother during the golden age of gaming. We were fortunate and behaved younglings. Went to church everyday. Had absolute respect for the elders. Fought in the great lemon war to protect our freedom. That was me as a wee lad, oh yes it was.
Nowadays kids don't appreciate their lemons. They don't respect their """old""" man. They only go to church on Sundays. I tell you, this generation is spoiled rotten! All they care about is their greasy hair and "rock" music, and they spend all day playing those newfangled electronic games!
Oh, that is right. Video games. That's what I was talking about, right? My memory is failing me, I tell you!
Young'uns, this is a manual. It taught you how to play the game. Unlike the hand-holding games of today, if you wanted instructions on how to play it, you went to the internet. Or you read the game manual. Either way, you were forced to READ, which is healthy for your spine!
The Super Mario World manual had detailed instructions on every action you could do with every item, with nice illustrations to boot. It also had the game's story and even a map with descriptions of the stages.
Of course, being the first video game ever made, Super Mario World's manual was rough around the edges. It was cool, but was it hip? Not hip like fedoras, it wasn't.
So, the next game manuals took it to the next level. They had trivia. More backstory. Tips and tricks. Some of them even had comics to appeal to our young minds, thanks to the popularity of that animated mouse, Donald.
In short, those manuals were the real deal. One of my favorites is LEGO Island's manual.
It was good. Great, even. But as an old man of experience, I knew they could get better. That was when PC games came and ushered us into a new golden age.
Just... just look at this beauty:
Those manuals were extensive. They basically gave you any information you could ever hope for and more. You could really get lost just reading all the backstory contained in those pages. For some games like RPGs, it was almost essential to read the manual to really understand how the game mechanics worked. If anything, there were perfect for a quick reference.
But now, look at the manual of one of the latest releases:
Grey. Boring. Like these new "movies" thing the kids keep talking about. Where's the ART? Where's the BEAUTY? Where's my heart pi- HNNNNNNG...
*pant* Oh. *pant* That was close. It's a good thing I don't actually exist or else I'd be dead.
Anyway, my point is: I miss the good old days. In my time, manuals were made with love. They were big, colorful. And the players read it with love. But nowadays manuals are tiny, frail things.
Okay, maybe games like Mario don't really need a manual. Everybody knows how to play Mario. Don't they teach that in elementary school like they used to? But games like RPGs, where manuals could truly shine, don't receive the adequate treatment. It would be handy to have a quick reference sheet to check the attributes of a class, the evolution of a Digimon, but we don't even get THAT. It's an abuse!
What was that you just said? Iron Hare? Huh? Oh, you "don't care"? Aaaaaarrrrghh you damned youngsters! You don't understand what it's like to love! Why can't you understand the concept of love? Is there no end to the madness? You are spoiled brats that have no respect for tradition! In my day, all we had to eat was rotten lemons AND WE LIKED IT!
I've about had it with you, GET OFF MY DAMN LAWN!
It's okay. I prefer to be left alone anyway. And I will always have my old manuals to keep me company. As long as I have my dearest manual of all time, I will be happy...
"You know what they say about guys with big feet."
"You want to touch me?'