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Pikachu is the man. He's the Pokeman. He's the BEST Pokeman.
"That's a laugh. Pikachu, the best Pokeman? He's not even the best Smash Bros. character. All the best characters have been dibbed, and you have been left with that poor excuse for a fighter."
You pause, slowly letting a smug grin form in your face.
"Well, MY character is the very best, like no one ever was. He got the moves like jagger, and he's a SSS in this totally incontestable tier list that was made one week after the game was out in Japan. His nair, dair, fair, cair, tair and xair are all great. He's got this sick alternate skin. He's totally unique in unique ways that no other character is. He's got infinite combos and chain grabs, unlike that yellow rat, and his smash attacks are all super str-- AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"
Fried like a fish, you drop dead on the ground. The smell of your carcass filling the air.
Behind you stands a shadowy figure. The sillhouette of two horns sticking out of its head.
REASONS WHY YOU DON'T WANNA MESS WITH PIKACHU
Reason Number One
He's cute but deadly
Poor you. You are dead! What was your mistake? You let the cute and frail appearance of Pikachu deceive you. Tsk tsk, bad mistake.
Behind the aura of innocence emanating from Pikachu, hides the soul of a detached killer capable of the most foul deeds. Like a wild animal that mercilessly slaughters its prey, Pikachu has no hesitation, no remorse, no empathy. He's an ice cold badass, and he's fully aware of it.
Reason Number Chu
He's sooo cute!
I mean, just look at him. Awww. Don't you just want to take him home, and pet him, and feed him, and sleep holding him tightly, and pull his tail and pinch those sweet cheeks!
Do you ever wonder why Pikachu is the most popular Pokeman ever, being used front and center in all the Pokeman related products? No you don't. You know it instinctively that there's no match for Pikachu's cuteness and allure. That's the way of the universe. It is written in the Bible, "shall you never envy Pikachu's cuteness, cause there ain't no cute as cute as Pikacute's". True story.
Reason Number Three
"Pika" sounds like "Pica", which is a slang for "dick" in Portuguese
And he says "Pika" all the time. It's kinda funny.
Reason Number Four
He's got ninety nine problems but a bitch ain't one
Like you might have guessed by now, Pikachu is a hit with the ladies. That fluffy yellow skin? Those pointy ears? That dazzling tail? His overall badassery? It makes the girls WET.
Hot damn Pikachu
He doesn't even need to do anything. He enters a room, says his own name, and bam! Suddenly he's surrounded by the ladies. And he doesn't discriminate. He knows everyone wants to get a taste of ol' Pikachu, and he's happy to oblige. He walks around naked for god's sake.
In fact, even Dtoid community member Pixielated couldn't resist Pikachu's tremendous charm and choose him to be her partner in crime. The crime of stealing him from ME!
Reason Number Five
"Chu" looks like "Cu", which is a slang for "butthole" in Portuguese
Is this the most amazing of coincidences or what? CRASS HUMOR, YOU GUYS!
Reason Number Six
His attacks are super effective!
Seriously though, Pikachu is actually a pretty good character in all of the Smash Bros. games. He is considered the best character in the original Super Smash Bros., and overall middle tier in Melee and Brawl. And in the new Super Smash Bros, he seems to be fast and hit surprisingly hard.
So come day 3, you better be prepared for some ass-kicking, yellow rat style!
Oh. Oh no... N-no Pikachu, I-I didn't mean..!
IT'S ALMOST TIME TO SMASH! (on the 3DS)
And I'm excited. As I'm sure all you smashing brothers and sisters out there are too. :)
So let's trade friend codes! I know the release is still two weeks from now, but I think it would be convenient for we all to have added each other by the time the game is released. It would also make things easier if in the future there is a Destructoid tournament. Someone should organize that!
My 3DS friend code is 2148-9562-9349. Leave yours on the comment section and add all your Dtoid pals that leave theirs here too.
Oh, and don't forget to brush your teeth three times a day. Ciao!