Just in case you need yet another reason to hop on the dtoid irc (#destructoid on Dynastynet), I present the tale of the shitty surprise:

Edit: cleaned up a bit for readability

13:52 *** Banjina joined #destructoid
13:53 Banjina I've just had a horrible experience on the toilet.
13:53 Halfie Want to share the pain, banj?
13:53 Banjina ...are you sitting comfortably?
13:53 bushofghosts banjina are you okay
13:53 Halfie were you?
13:54 Banjina Initially.
13:54 Aerox I'd like to hear about it in detail
13:55 Banjina I got up too late this morning to "kick Rosa Parks off the front seat" before I left for work.
13:55 Halfie Heh.
13:55 Halfie That's a new one.
13:55 Halfie writes it down.
13:55 Banjina I have this thing where I can't use the works toilet unless everyone else has left the vuilding.
13:55 Banjina Like OCD or something.
13:55 Aerox Does that include peeing?
13:55 Aerox because there's a condition known as pee shyness
13:56 Banjina So I've been hanging onto this howler for 10 hours.
13:56 Halfie Oof.
13:56 Eagle_88 ouch
13:56 bushofghosts oh no Banj
13:56 Banjina No, I'm fine pissing.
13:56 Aerox oh, odd
13:56 bushofghosts let go of that need
13:56 bloodylip i find it odd that banj is shy about anything
13:56 Banjina I would be fine taking a shit too but I share a toilet with 2 chicks.
13:56 bushofghosts seriously
13:56 bushofghosts everybody poops
13:56 bushofghosts no really
13:56 bloodylip Banjina: shit on their chests?
13:56 bushofghosts let them be mad
13:56 Banjina My rep couldn't take it if they followed me in there after one of my adventures.
13:56 bushofghosts seriously
13:56 Halfie I'm very self-consious about my shits.
13:56 bushofghosts it is so bad to hold it in
13:57 bushofghosts you're going to hurt yourself
13:57 Halfie But for some reason, the more desperate I am. the more smooth and quiet they are.
13:57 scottyg Indeed.
13:57 bloodylip you'll blow a gasket
13:57 scottyg If you gotta go that badly, just poop behind the building.
13:57 bushofghosts did you sit there forever?
13:57 Banjina Anyway, they left about 30 minutes ago
13:57 scottyg Right halfie? :d
13:57 Aerox Out of politeness if I'm on the toilet I'll try to wait to make a ton of noise until the other person has left the bathroom
13:57 scottyg <3
13:57 Halfie It's like the Eurostar leaving the channel tunnel in a vaccum when I'm desperate.
13:57 Aerox Unless they are on their cell phone, which a lot of people do because they are rude
13:57 Aerox So then I blast as hard as I can
13:57 Halfie You know it, scottyg <3
13:57 Banjina I ran straight to the throne and fucking loved it.
13:57 scottyg Aerox: Ug... I'm embarassed to talk on the phone while on the toilet.
13:58 scottyg Unless it's someone I don't mind messing with.
13:58 Banjina However, I soome became aware that something was wrong...
13:58 scottyg Uh oh.
13:58 Eagle_88 Freud would have a field day with you
13:58 Aerox As you should be
13:58 Halfie Hush, Banj is talking.
13:58 bushofghosts no
13:58 bushofghosts did you have an abortion
13:59 Eagle_88 Roe v. Wade
13:59 Banjina Y'know how at the end of "dropping the kids off at the pool" there is the satisfying sensation of "the garage door closing behind the leaving car"?
13:59 Halfie Yes.
13:59 Banjina Well, I totally didn't feel that.
13:59 Halfie I think I know where this is going now.
14:00 scottyg Banjina: Gaping asshole?
14:00 Banjina It felt like the garage door was still open.
14:00 Banjina Yeqah
14:00 scottyg There's niche porn for that.
14:00 scottyg You should apply.
14:00 Banjina I though "hello, better give it a minute"
14:00 Halfie This is a defining moment for IRC, in my mind.
14:00 bushofghosts banj
14:00 Banjina So I took five and waited for the doors to close but they didn't.
14:00 bushofghosts did you go any more
14:00 bushofghosts no no no
14:01 bushofghosts close them manually
14:01 Halfie Pinch.
14:01 Banjina Eventually I got bored and tore off some shit tickets to clean up.
14:01 Halfie so-to-speak.
14:01 bushofghosts blood?
14:01 Halfie Semen?
14:01 Eagle_88 both?
14:01 Banjina I moved slowly... stalking my prey...
14:01 Halfie A human head greeting you with a friendly grin.
14:01 Banjina I went for the wipe when suddenly, disaster!
14:02 scottyg Oh no.
14:02 scottyg You shat on your hand?
14:02 Banjina I felt something warm and malleable strike my hand.
14:02 scottyg hehehe
14:02 Halfie Yah. Not as good as when this story will be adapted.
14:02 Halfie You must burn it.
14:02 Banjina That familiar cold creeping realisation took me.
14:02 scottyg !banj++ #shat on his hand
14:02 Banjina My heart raced.
14:02 DtoidBot The karma of banj is 1.
14:03 Halfie <Banjina> That familiar cold creeping realisation took me.
14:03 bushofghosts someone is saving this chat
14:03 bushofghosts right
14:03 scottyg I'll save/post it. :)
14:03 Banjina I withdrew and took care of the immidiate threat before continuing with the clean up.
14:04 deBLOO Banj shits on his hand to get off
14:04 Banjina ...it was right into the cuticles.
14:04 Banjina I was devastated.
14:04 bushofghosts oh my dear god banj
14:04 Banjina The sink was out of reach for a halftime wash.
14:05 Banjina ...with the steely determination of an aging warrior, I pressed on
14:05 Banjina I went in for the virgin wipe.
14:06 Banjina Somewhat akin to the feeling of loosing ones footing on an ice rink, my bottom seemed to offer no resistance to the bogroll.
14:07 Banjina I had managed to pass what can only be described as axle grease and not only plopped in on my hand but also managed to paint my cheeks with it.
14:07 Banjina I had to strip off my clothes, sat on the bog.
14:07 Banjina I went through 1 aqnd a half rolls and 4 flushes.
14:07 Banjina ...I need a bath.
14:07 Eagle_88 yes
14:08 Banjina ...and a better diet