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Just in case you need yet another reason to hop on the dtoid irc (#destructoid on Dynastynet), I present the tale of the shitty surprise:
Edit: cleaned up a bit for readability 13:52 *** Banjina joined #destructoid 13:53 Banjina I've just had a horrible experience on the toilet. 13:53 Halfie Want to share the pain, banj? 13:53 Banjina ...are you sitting comfortably? 13:53 bushofghosts banjina are you okay 13:53 Halfie were you? 13:54 Banjina Initially. 13:54 Aerox I'd like to hear about it in detail 13:55 Banjina I got up too late this morning to "kick Rosa Parks off the front seat" before I left for work. 13:55 Halfie Heh. 13:55 Halfie That's a new one. 13:55 Halfie writes it down. 13:55 Banjina I have this thing where I can't use the works toilet unless everyone else has left the vuilding. 13:55 Banjina Like OCD or something. 13:55 Aerox Does that include peeing? 13:55 Aerox because there's a condition known as pee shyness 13:56 Banjina So I've been hanging onto this howler for 10 hours. 13:56 Halfie Oof. 13:56 Eagle_88 ouch 13:56 bushofghosts oh no Banj 13:56 Banjina No, I'm fine pissing. 13:56 Aerox oh, odd 13:56 bushofghosts let go of that need 13:56 bloodylip i find it odd that banj is shy about anything 13:56 Banjina I would be fine taking a shit too but I share a toilet with 2 chicks. 13:56 bushofghosts seriously 13:56 bushofghosts everybody poops 13:56 bushofghosts no really 13:56 bloodylip Banjina: shit on their chests? 13:56 bushofghosts let them be mad 13:56 Banjina My rep couldn't take it if they followed me in there after one of my adventures. 13:56 bushofghosts seriously 13:56 Halfie I'm very self-consious about my shits. 13:56 bushofghosts it is so bad to hold it in 13:57 bushofghosts you're going to hurt yourself 13:57 Halfie But for some reason, the more desperate I am. the more smooth and quiet they are. 13:57 scottyg Indeed. 13:57 bloodylip you'll blow a gasket 13:57 scottyg If you gotta go that badly, just poop behind the building. 13:57 bushofghosts did you sit there forever? 13:57 Banjina Anyway, they left about 30 minutes ago 13:57 scottyg Right halfie? :d 13:57 Aerox Out of politeness if I'm on the toilet I'll try to wait to make a ton of noise until the other person has left the bathroom 13:57 scottyg <3 13:57 Halfie It's like the Eurostar leaving the channel tunnel in a vaccum when I'm desperate. 13:57 Aerox Unless they are on their cell phone, which a lot of people do because they are rude 13:57 Aerox So then I blast as hard as I can 13:57 Halfie You know it, scottyg <3 13:57 Banjina I ran straight to the throne and fucking loved it. 13:57 scottyg Aerox: Ug... I'm embarassed to talk on the phone while on the toilet. 13:58 scottyg Unless it's someone I don't mind messing with. 13:58 Banjina However, I soome became aware that something was wrong... 13:58 scottyg Uh oh. 13:58 Eagle_88 Freud would have a field day with you 13:58 Aerox As you should be 13:58 Halfie Hush, Banj is talking. 13:58 bushofghosts no 13:58 bushofghosts did you have an abortion 13:59 Eagle_88 Roe v. Wade 13:59 Banjina Y'know how at the end of "dropping the kids off at the pool" there is the satisfying sensation of "the garage door closing behind the leaving car"? 13:59 Halfie Yes. 13:59 Banjina Well, I totally didn't feel that. 13:59 Halfie I think I know where this is going now. 14:00 scottyg Banjina: Gaping asshole? 14:00 Banjina It felt like the garage door was still open. 14:00 Banjina Yeqah 14:00 scottyg There's niche porn for that. 14:00 scottyg You should apply. 14:00 Banjina I though "hello, better give it a minute" 14:00 Halfie This is a defining moment for IRC, in my mind. 14:00 bushofghosts banj 14:00 Banjina So I took five and waited for the doors to close but they didn't. 14:00 bushofghosts did you go any more 14:00 bushofghosts no no no 14:01 bushofghosts close them manually 14:01 Halfie Pinch. 14:01 Banjina Eventually I got bored and tore off some shit tickets to clean up. 14:01 Halfie so-to-speak. 14:01 bushofghosts blood? 14:01 Halfie Semen? 14:01 Eagle_88 both? 14:01 Banjina I moved slowly... stalking my prey... 14:01 Halfie A human head greeting you with a friendly grin. 14:01 Banjina I went for the wipe when suddenly, disaster! 14:02 scottyg Oh no. 14:02 scottyg You shat on your hand? 14:02 Banjina I felt something warm and malleable strike my hand. 14:02 scottyg hehehe 14:02 Halfie Yah. Not as good as when this story will be adapted. 14:02 Halfie You must burn it. 14:02 Banjina That familiar cold creeping realisation took me. 14:02 scottyg !banj++ #shat on his hand 14:02 Banjina My heart raced. 14:02 DtoidBot The karma of banj is 1. 14:03 Halfie <Banjina> That familiar cold creeping realisation took me. 14:03 bushofghosts someone is saving this chat 14:03 bushofghosts right 14:03 scottyg I'll save/post it. :) 14:03 Banjina I withdrew and took care of the immidiate threat before continuing with the clean up. 14:04 deBLOO Banj shits on his hand to get off 14:04 Banjina ...it was right into the cuticles. 14:04 Banjina I was devastated. 14:04 bushofghosts oh my dear god banj 14:04 Banjina The sink was out of reach for a halftime wash. 14:05 Banjina ...with the steely determination of an aging warrior, I pressed on 14:05 Banjina I went in for the virgin wipe. 14:06 Banjina Somewhat akin to the feeling of loosing ones footing on an ice rink, my bottom seemed to offer no resistance to the bogroll. 14:07 Banjina I had managed to pass what can only be described as axle grease and not only plopped in on my hand but also managed to paint my cheeks with it. 14:07 Banjina I had to strip off my clothes, sat on the bog. 14:07 Banjina I went through 1 aqnd a half rolls and 4 flushes. 14:07 Banjina ...I need a bath. 14:07 Eagle_88 yes 14:08 Banjina ...and a better diet
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Poor Banj.
It's shit, see you in 2012...
On another note, you could call this blog "Reasons to never go into the Destructoid IRC chat room" and it would have the same effect its having on me now.
God bless IRC
Poop jokes totally aren't funny. If you laugh at this nonsense, you deserve to die. My sophisticated sense of humor makes me so much better than any of you assholes on Destructoid.
I don't even know why I bother with you guys sometime.
BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW *sniffle*
gtfo of my blog narc. Take your negative vibes elsewhere.
NARC!!
NAAAAARRRRRRRC!!!
In all seriousness, why are you even here? You clearly hate dtoid and the entire community, and your constant pissy, whiny, bitchy, negative attitude just brings everyone down. Why not just go away? Or at least never grace my cblog with your presence again. <3
That's our Nanbu !
Seriously, how could this NOT be Topsauce, you sick fucks?
Also NihinTiger90, how is this NSFW? Obviously the subject matter isn't exactly PG, but it's text. :\
And also a little... O_o
...but mostly epic.