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Sassafrass McGee's blog

1:57 PM on 09.13.2013

Capcom only has 152 Million in the bank? Karma, motherfuckers

152 million dollars may sound like a lot to us mere mortals, but let me put this into perspective, GTA V cost Rockstar 265 million dollars to make, and they've already made the money back from pre-orders alone. Rockstar spent more money on developing a single game than Capcom has at their disposal, so they literally can't afford to fuck up anymore. NOW MAKE DEAD RISING 3 MULTIPLAT YOU CUNTS.   read

12:51 PM on 09.13.2013

Ride to Hell: Retribution: Best game ever?

I don't want to give away too much of the story, but the plot of Ride to Hell:Retribution is one of the finest crafted in any game. If you like multi-layered conspiracy, you're going to love Ride to Hell. There are so many side plots, twists, and branching narratives going on in the game that it's easy to get sucked in to one plot and then do a complete one-eighty not five minutes later in the game when you uncover another buried facet of the story. You step into the stylish leather boots of a nano-augmented agent for UNATCO, a United Nations-sponsored anti-terrorist organization. You begin the game looking for a highjacked shipment of Ambrosia, the only known substance that can stabilize sufferers of the "Grey Death." Now that's just one ripple in the ocean that is Ride to Hell: Retribution. Like I said, I don't want to give anyway anything further about the story since it's so fundamental to the experience, but let me just say it's like an entire season of The X-Files wrapped into one game (theold X-Files, not that tripe they've been feeding us recently).
I know what you're saying: "Sure, the story might be the best thing since those flying cars we all got earlier this year, but I can go buy a good book for ten bucks. How does the game play, jerk face?" Well, you won't be disappointed here, either. And you don't have to call me names. I have feelings too, you know. Think of Ride to Hell as a mix between Rainbow Six, Thief, and System Shock. It's set slightly in the future, projectiles are more deadly than in Quake, and a solid stealthy approach can be much more useful than a full frontal assault. The really great thing about Ride to Hell is that you can play it how you want to play it, and you can develop your character to fit your playing style. You gain skill points through completing primary and secondary goals, which can then be allocated to increase a number of different skills including computers, electronics, environmental training, lockpicking, medicine, swimming, and various weapons skills. You can become an expert in perhaps one or two skills, but you can't master all, so you have to be careful about what you pick because it will affect how you progress through the game. And while it may seem obvious that abilities like lockpicking and computers might come in more handy than swimming or environmental training, don't discount any of the proficiencies. My main character was a sniper/hacker type with a bit of lockpicking prowess and medical knowledge, therefore I favored strategies like staying far away from my targets and hacking into security systems. But I went back and played the game to test some of the skills that I hadn't specialized in, and I found that in most cases (why anyone would want to be an expert in environmental training still eludes me...but to each his/her own) there were just as many ways to utilize them as there were any other skill in the game. Becoming an expert doctor kept me in tip-top shape every time I used a single medkit, and the swimming skill afforded me easy clearance through several underwater routes that I had never explored as a sniper/hacker.
In addition to the customizable skills, your nano-augmentations play a big part in the game. You'll find augmentation canisters throughout the game that can give you one of two enhancements, which also forces you to make choices that affect the game. For example, you may have to decide whether you want the ability to run fast or walk silently, lift heavy objects or cause greater damage in melee combat. All of these choices make for greater variety in gameplay, and ultimately makes for an almost endless play experience as you have multiple routes to explore each time you play the game.
Level design is another area where Ride to Hell really shines. After games like Thief and System Shock 2, it's almost a given that "sneaker-shooter" is going to have some creative levels, but the folks at Ion Storm have gone above and beyond the call of duty. Like I mentioned before, there's usually something in every level that caters to the various skills, even swimming. From air ducts to underground pipes to super-secure secret entrances, the designers really thought of a number of ways to traverse and interact with each environment so you never feel like you're locked into one route. And the great thing is that no specific way is necessarily the "best" way to go. While a Mech-swarming front entrance may seem like a deathtrap to some, the character loaded down with EMP grenades may find it an easier route than bypassing security and going through the backdoor. It's all about character choice, and that's a great thing to see in a game, especially in a first-person perspective game.
With all of this depth, you might imagine that Ride to Hell would be a real bitch to get into. Well, that's not the case at all. One of the first things that really impressed me was how easy Ride to Hell was to get up and running. While this could have been an overly difficult game to get in to, it's obvious that the team spent a good bit of time designing the interface, because it's one of the best I've used. For starters, absolutely everything is described in detail with a click of the mouse. This keeps your hands on the game and off of the manual, which is purposely thin for that very reason. The game will also keep running track of all of your logs, clues, codes, and conversations. You'll pay for it in save game space (individual saves can run upwards of 20MB a piece depending on the size of the level), but it's worth it in the end. I'd rather stay in the game than have to go searching through page after page of notes, and if you had to keep track of all of the notes in Ride to Hell, you'd fill a composition book in short order.
As good as the gameplay is, visuals aren't one of Ride to Hell's stronger points. Since it's built on the Unreal engine, Ride to Hell isn't as pretty as other first-person games like Quake III or Soldier of Fortune. The graphics are blocky, the animation is stiff, and the dithering is just plain awful in some spots, but overall Ride to Hell certainly looks better than your average game, and I'm certainly willing to sacrifice graphics in favor of solid gameplay, which this game is overflowing with. While the graphics engine isn't the best out there, Ride to Hell does excel in creating atmosphere. The entire game takes place at night, which is the perfect setting for an eerie, conspiracy-laden adventure. As you can see from the screenshots, the game is dark, but that's part of what makes it so mysterious. Plus, with your eye-mounted flashlight, you're never completely in the dark as long as you have a bioelectric cell or two in your inventory.
One of the worst problems I ran into with Ride to Hell was the high system requirements. Ride to Hell ran choppy even on some of the higher end computers we played it on. I had to turn the detail down on my PII450MHz with a Voodoo3 to get a fluid framerate, but after I installed one of the new Voodoo5s, it was smooth sailing with full detail. Of course, I hope we're not getting to the point where you have to own a PIII600 with a $300 video card to play a good PC game quite yet.
Other than the hefty system requirements, there wasn't a whole lot not to like about Ride to Hell. One caveat goes back to the choppy animation system. While the team promised real-time lip synchronizing, the final product doesn't live up to what we were expecting. More often than not, the character's teeth moved up and down instead of their lips, so you're left looking at a very Cenobite-ish looking creature who you just want to run from before fishing hooks shoot out of his back and grab you. I also ran into a couple of occasions where my allies blocked my path, preventing my escape from a room. Thank goodness I'm the type who saves often (and I suggest you do if you pick up Ride to Hell: Retribution) or I might have to replay a good bit of the game. There's also no multiplay option, but the single-player experience is so great you won't miss not playing against others. Overall, these are just minor quips, and there's certainly much more to praise in Ride to hell than there is to whine about.
To its credit, its brilliant design and elegant follow through make Ride to Hell the best game I've played this year, and I think it's safe to say it's one of the most versatile first-person games ever. Those of you looking for a complex, unique experience will find it in Ride to Hell. While I had a good idea that Ride to Hell was going to be a winner way before I played it, the team at Ion Storm has gone above and beyond all the expectations I had for this game, and has made one of the most fulfilling single-player games I've played in years. I only hope we see this attention to detail and design in future games from Ion Storm as well as other developers.   read

1:23 PM on 09.12.2013


Sega's head of toes, Shinguero Mikami 52 confirmed earlier today that they would be releasing the 1DS in Japan on the 12th November, 2013, and in North America and Europe on the 3rd of May 2019. Shinguero said: We've had a hard time here at Sega lately, what with Rockstar not Developing Grand Theft Auto V for the DS, 3DS or 2DS. So we decided to develop the 1DS, the latest Entry in the DS family." Pre-orders are already sold out in Japan, industry experts believe this to be due to the 1DS's only launch title, the highly anticipated sequel to Sega's greatest game to date, Sonic R 2. Fans who pre-order the game will receive a free code for the DLC, Sonic R 2: D2. Can this be the launch that cements Sega as industry leader in the console market? Only time will tell.   read

1:21 PM on 09.11.2013


Rockstar President and game director of GTA V, Ham Douser, confirmed on the 11th November, 2011 that GTA V would not in fact be released on the Sega DS, and that they don't have any plans on doing so. If you weren't already going to strangle a 3 month-old child due to them not releasing on PC, now is the time. ROCKTAR IS WORSE THAN CAPCOM AND EA COMBINED.   read

8:53 PM on 05.29.2013

EA wants to sell blank discs and abolish cancer research.

In a bold announcement, EA's president, Satan announced that EA had plans to start selling blank discs at full retail price, this is what Satan had to say: "The gamers of this generation do not want new, innovative games, in fact, they don't want any games at all, our blank disc initiative will turn the industry on its head, rape it violently and then shit on its face. If you do want an actual game, there will be ridiculous amounts of DLC to fill up all the blank space on your shiny, magnificent disc." When a journalist asked the president of EA a question regarding their plans to abolish cancer research and destroy the earth, Satan simply replied with: "People nowadays are getting tired of cancer, it's getting old, the AIDS concept was done to death, and as a result people got bored, they wanted something new, the answer was cancer, but cancer is about as redundant and out of date as Eiffel 65, I mean has anyone actually died of cancer? We at EA work to bring you the most groundbreaking illnesses that we can, and if you disagree, we will strike you down with unrelenting force." Now, you might be wondering why you haven't heard about this on Destructoid or any other major gaming site, well the truth is EA actually own every gaming website and publication. Then why did Fuse get mediocre scores? Because EA wanted it to Goddamnit, can't you see? Still don't believe me? There is actually footage from the announcement on Youtube right now, I suggest you watch it before EA takes it down: All we have left is hope.    read

10:12 PM on 05.28.2013

Tomb Raider review, yeah I played it late so stop crying new games are expensive

Well to start, Lara's boobs have been downsized to make her seem like an actual human being, rather than a pair of boobs and pistols. However, her titties still look motorboatable, and dat badonkadonkin' ass compensates for the lack of breast. Crystal dynamics managed to change her look, without completely alienating their fanbase, they've updated her without turning her into an unholy abomination like what happened with Ninja Theory's DmC.


The story for this is nothing really groundbreaking, your ship crashes onto the forgotten island of Yamatai, some mystical princess controls the weather, and some insane cult lead by Mathias, who looks like a fucking Disney villain, when he first shows up he acts all nice and shit, then he kidnaps your friend, I saw this coming from 20 gazillion miles away. The story's "twists" are so fucking predictable, you'll see them coming from ridiculously early on. In short, the story is uninspired, boring and just sucks dick.


This game does nothing that fresh in terms of gameplay, the platforming sections are just... meh and really aren't challenging at all. There all also secret optional tombs that you can find throughout the game, it is called Tomb Raider after all, these are just small rooms with simple puzzles and are pretty boring, I was just in in for the XP and salvage ( the game's currency) which you use to upgrade weapons, XP is used to unlock new skills. There are also puzzles in some of the main missions which are not too hard and boring as hell, don't get me wrong, I don't mind puzzles in games if they are done well ( I love Portal to death) but the puzzles in this are once again just... meh. When you're not platforming or solving puzzles, the game at its core is a 3rd person shooter, this aspect is done pretty well I guess, it's just a standard 3rd person shooter. There is also a stealth aspect, and this isn't too shabby either you use your bow to kill enemies silently and make use of cover to avoid detection, and you can even shoot arrows close to enemies to distract them, then while there fucking around looking for shit, you shoot the rest of those motherfuckers in the head, and by the time he turns around, your crosshair  should be aimed right between his eyes.


This game is gorgeous, and it does a great job at immersing the player, small, dark caves feel like small, dark caves. The sound design is brilliant, and the overall presentation is just fucking awesome. This is one of the best looking games out there, that's for damn sure.

[u]The Verdict[/u]

75/100 watermelons. This game is not worth full retail launch price.

Oh yeah I forgot to mention this game also has a multiplayer feature, it fucking sucks.   read

10:12 PM on 05.27.2013

Microsoft: "Everyone can suck our collective dick, now give us all your money."

Microsoft employee Johnny Soosfoos gave a statement earlier today responding to the general reaction by the media and consumers to the Xbox One, This is what he had to say: "Bitches be hatin' 'cos our new console is da shit, nigga, if you wanna buy a Wii U, go and buy a Wii U, but don't come crying to us when you get bored of playing Super mario 64: The Ocarina of Banjo-Kazooie. Or when you get da puss 4 and it sucks 'cause you can't watch NFL on it or talk to it about your daddy issues. The Xbox one is groundbreaking, it's the first console that watches you 24/7, will the PS4 record you masturbating, and then send the footage to the government? No, it won't. The PS4 will fail because it allows you to play games, you know what else can play games? The NES. No one wants to play games on their games console, that technology is ancient, we belive that watching TV on games consoles is the future. I wish we could tell you more, but we're scheduled to lick EA's collective asshole in 5 minutes, we will reveal more at E3, and by more we of course mean nothing." The following video will tell you everything you need to know:   read

9:16 PM on 05.27.2013


Also, drugs.   read

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