Recently, there has been an ongoing debate of staggering importance, pitting rational, intelligent people in argument against complete gits. The former side, in its seemingly unending wisdom and sexual virility, plainly states that the greatest form of Destructoid Reviews Editor Jim Sterling is that sporting his trademarked monocle, while the festering imbeciles of the world are incoherently howling something to the effect of Jim Sterling without his monocle being superior.
If you are capable of even reading this sentence without filling the indentations of your keyboard with drool as the pleasant rattling sound chimes of yet another tooth falling from your rotten mouth to your nacho crumb- covered floor, you probably don't need me to tell you that monocled Jim Sterling is better in every conceivable way. Nonetheless, I am going to, because no point is truly inarguable until it has been published antagonistically on a moderately popular video game website.
1. Jim Sterling with monocle presumably has better vision than Sterling without:
Leaving aside all other aspects of the monocle for now, let's consider what must have been its original purpose: functionality. No, not as a function to shield the wearer's eyes from the facially naked bui doi that constantly invade his vision (though, yes, that is another of its functions), but to better aid the wearer in the elegant act of seeing things. In this way, Jim Sterling monocled (or, if you like, mono-clad, as this portmanteau seems to conjure up images of Sterling as a medieval knight, clad
in an impenetrable armor of monocles) would have a significant edge on his non-monocled self in all manner of competition. Darts, fist fights, reading seeing eye charts, guiding blind people across the street, monocled Jim Sterling leaves his counterpart in the dust every time.
And indeed, why would any of this world's non-monocled proletariat even need satisfactory eyesight? So that they can better view their mud huts, their ugly wives and their half-aborted children? They should be practically be grateful for their blindness.
2. Monocled Jim Sterling has contributed far more to Destructoid:
Go and look at the Destructoid home page right now. Go on. Odds are, if today happens to be any day in the world
, you'll find at least four news items whose headlines sit comfortably next to the familiar avatar of Jim Sterling, complete in body and soul with his monocle. This form of Sterling has contributed approximately one million articles to the website, whereas the un-monocled Sterling has done absolutely nothing, judging solely by avatar.
Jim Sterling with monocle's work for Destructoid is so prominent, in fact, that he has been admittedly targeted by former editor Robert Summa as the face of the site, thereby being on the receiving end of biting and embittered attacks such as being called a cockface, as well as his razor-sharp, crumpet-laden satirical British accent, so accurate that it has been said to fool even Sterling's own parents. Monocled Sterling endured these barbs and more as Destructoid's most prolific writer. Non-monocled Sterling sat cozily by, eating foul Albion crumpets and giggling smugly while his better half went through torture more befitting Mel Gibson's Christ.
Readers of Destructoid, ask yourself to whom you would rather swear allegiance: a warm, inviting man that lives his life in an unending effort to update you on the Left 4 Dead 2
boycott, or a smarmy, sniveling toad-man whose daily contribution to society extends no further than his morning wank.
3. Jim Sterling without monocle appears in this photograph with Sonic the Hedgehog:
Now, you may be thinking to yourself: "This picture is lovely! Surely this must be evidence of non-monocled Jim Sterling's social prowess and influential contacts in the gaming world. Oh, pardon me, I seem to have relieved myself all over my carpet and the smell of my waste is interfering with the careful aroma of stale beer and pubic stink that I've worked so hard to cultivate in my living space." Well, clean up and change yourself into your only other pair of trousers and then hear me out.
Yes, I'll concede that Jim Sterling, with monocle and without, has fawned over this tweaking blue rodent as much as any man could; and, considering this, one should assume that for monocled Sterling to have missed this opportunity, something even more extraordinary must have drawn him away. And so, to finally put this issue to bed, I can henceforth reveal that while bare-eyed Sterling posed girlishly with Sonic, monocled Sterling was using the hedgehog's vanity against him and, with the aid of the distraction, was in a hotel room at the ScrewAttack Gaming Convention, Bat Belting the excruciatingly gorgeous reptile (no furry), Rouge the Bat. So when you look at un-monocled Sterling and Sonic, grinning like plonkers, envision the glorious monocled Sterling plowing deep into Rouge, while Tails watches and cries
. Such is the enviable promiscuity of Jim Sterling sporting the monocle.
And speaking of which:
4. I have reason to believe that monocled Sterling has already fucked Nicole Wiebe:
Recently at E3 2009, Steve Wiebe attempted once more to set the world record in Donkey Kong. In the ensuing press coverage, his wife Nicole came once again under public scruitny. However, to keen observes, there was something off about her. There was a deadness in her eyes that was not present in The King of Kong
. This may have gone unnoticed to most as few people can recognize true despair. Some of us, though, enlightened to the ways of the world, know that look. It is the look of a woman who has been excavated by a team of seminal miners. Whose orifices have been left so gaping that a strong gust of wind is liable to turn her inside out. Who now lives life suffering constant tremors as her bones shake in fear for their safety.
Oh yeah. He's had it off with her. Non-monocled Sterling just doesn't know it yet.
5. The monocle's alumni far out-classies those of the lack thereof:
Let me throw a couple of names out at you: Colonel Mustard, Mr. Peanut, Rich Uncle Pennybags. Have you noticed a common theme yet? That's right. Classiness. If you are as mentally nimble as me, a tingle overtook your spine as you envisioned these three, and your mind's eye was suddenly graced with infinite images of splendor and luxury. The upper crustiest of the upper crust, like a two-layered pie whose higher layer looks down on the lower layer with a derisive snort and condescending remark on its filling (e.g., "Oh, blueberry
? I'm sorry, I didn't realize we were baked in order to complement a meal of raw pig's innards.")
And what is at the core of this delectable feast for the imagination? The monocle. Truly, through its historic wearers, it has come to represent the very epitome of the elite, yet attractively humble, lifestyle. Or perhaps I'm mistaken, and it is actually the monocle's grace which draws only the superior to it. This glorious chicken and the egg conundrum is unfit to ever be solved by man.
Let's not also forget the virtue of exclusion. Did you know that in modern history there has not been one single reported instance of rape in which the victim described her assailant as wearing a monocle? And while we're at it, who in history has been the most public of all non-monocled figures? The answer should be as obvious to you as it is to me. Hitler. Makes you think about the kind of company the un-monocled must keep.
Note: Conducting a brief Google Image Search, it seems that Rich Uncle Pennybags does not wear a monocle after all. In lieu of retracting the kind words I've paid him in the preceding paragraphs, I shall instead give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he has left his monocle in the interest of selling his game and colored properties therein to an otherwise poverty-stricken crowd, who would have (and rightfully so) felt prohibitively intimidated if he had kept it.
By the by, does anyone else find the resemblance between Col. Mustard and Jim Sterling himself noticeable? I may as well use this space to propose that Mustard is, in fact, Jim's father. (Of course, it just as easily could be Professor Plum. With the rope.)
6. Jim's face demands it:
A bit of trivia from the beloved CBS sitcom Hogan's Heroes
has it that actor Werner Klemperer used spirit gum to hold his monocle to his face while portraying the Luftwaffe officer Colonel Klink. Jim Sterling, however, need undertake no such effort. Look at the way his face grips his monocle with so much ferocity and vigor. It sinks into his skin as if it were trying to make the journey home into his very soul.
Well then, I think I have officially concluded my case. Let it be known that if you are one of the filthy mongrels who remains supportive of non-monocled Jim, it's probably because you don't even know what a monocle is
or something, you idiot.
P.S. To anyone who has bothered to look here (or to anyone that I know who has humiliatingly found this by Googling my Internet name), I apologize if it is not very entertaining. I had intended it to be a free writing exercise to warm me up for writing something actual, and it got out of hand. I extend again my deepest apologies if you think it's utter shit.