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Bow to the Kid!

PK Rockin' Motherfuckers!

As always, ShadeofLight catched everyone with their pants down and went ahead and called DIBS on the Green Man Weegee, rendering the rest of the Dtoid community devastated and hopeless, because without Luigi (The obvious choice for Dibs calling, according to the man) almost all of them will be too confused and speechless to call Dibs on any other character on time. WELL SHADEOFLIGHT, YOUR PLAN FAILED, because the true obvious choice for DIBS calling was the Destinied Child of Psychic powers, Ness!

 

Yeah!

Fuck off, Luigi, not even Daisy likes you.

 

Ness is the greatest character in the whole game. Nay, in the whole videogame industry. Double Nay, in the whole everything ever made and to be made! How can I be so sure? Well, just look at the classy bastard! Rockin' that cap like its 1996, that sassy hair just teasingly sticking out of his cap to show off those beautiful curls, and lets talk about the wardrobe. Classic shirt, comfty shorts for Top Percentage comftyness and red shoes years before Nike received a whooping from Converse. The guy is a fashion visionary and that is WITHOUT EVEN TRYING. Let's see what else he can do!


Jiggly shouldn't touch but she might die trying.

#SWAGATE

1.- Ness has psychic powers, not that lame "Magic" shit.

You know what's lame? Magic. In most works, to get magic you have to either read a buckload of magic books or be born with the power from magical parents. And no matter what everyone tells you, reading books is gay.  So by that logic, Magicians read books, ergo, they are gay.

Yep

Exhibit G. For Gaaaay.

Oh, and those with Magic from Magical Parents? Yeah... Let's just say that what they do to produce those babys in some countries, while fun, might be illegal, and in other countries, while not illegal, will be frown upon. How do Hagrid was born, anyway?

Nah

Am I exaggerating? Nah~


And this brings me back to Ness. His powers are of the Psychic variety, that means its all in the mind, duuuude, and as such its way cooler than magic. His power is as strong as his mind is! Also! Also! The Psychic powers humans in Earthbound posses where stolen from freaking aliens! Evil aliens! Is that not hardcore, I don't know what it is. When was the last time you stole a sandwich from an alien? Now imagine stealing his POWER TO MELT MINDS. Doesn't sound easy, does it?

 

2.-He wreaks EVERYTHING in Smash.

He is a small fast characther with amazing air combat, weird special attacks, practical tilts and incredibly satisfying Smash Attacks.

What I'm trying to say is he brought a FUCKING BASEBALL BAT.

Oh sheeeeeeee

I'll send your weak-ass face in that direction

Swords? For sissys. Fists? For idiots. Hammers? For Penguins and blobs. Real Gangstas bring their best toys to a fight and have some fun rearranging faces. 


Also Yo-Yo's. 

 

And lets not forget PK Thunder. The attack might look like a weak energy light not that different from those shot by lame Samus or Blue Miniature Samus, but that weak look is just Ness been condescending. Ness just needs to hit himself with PK Thunder and...

That beautiful Sky

...And not even God (Master Hand) is safe.

 

3.- Ness is so good he even made it to Smash 64. WHEN NO ONE KNEW WHO HE WAS.

So its time to raise hands. Who knew what Earthound was before Smash 64 released? Now who could recognized him the first time they unlocked him on the game? Let's see. hmm, I see maybe 3 hands up. Wait, you want to go to the restroom, ok fine, but make it quick.

 

Even me, as much as I love Ness now, never knew who the poor bastard was. But that didn't matter then, because even so I sure as hell picked him and played with him all the time, and enjoyed it so much that I went out of my way to play Earthbound and learn more about the misterious kid with the little backpack. Ness was such greatness that his game NAMED the Smash Bros. franchise. Don't believe me? Watch for yourself!

yeaah

See that text up there? Yeah, everytime your inferior character makes a Smash Attack, they are daydreaming they are Ness. Now you know the Super Smash Bros. Series is a Earthbound Spin-Off, you are welcome.

 

 

4.- Ness now fights for Two.

Been so great means sometimes there are sacrifies to be made. In Brawl, Earthbound had one more representative, Lucas, and as an equally sharped dressed boy sporting equally awesome psychic powers, the game was overwhelmed with too much awesome that Mewtwo, King K. Roll and Ridley had to be cut.

Too much power. PK Power.


Sadly, way too many people complained that having two psychic boys was "cheating" and "way too much awesome for my body to handle" (Most likely lies whispered by the whiny Magic Users), so alas, Lucas had to go home in Smash 4. No need to cry yet, since I'm pretty sure he'll be back as cool as ever, ready to put Dark Link in its rightful place.

 

So Ness can now harness the full power of Lucas and fight for him and the world, and lets not forget about all his other friends, who will pray for him. Pray that he beats the everlovingcrap out of Duck Hunt Dog, that prick deserves it!

So be ready Destrutoid, I just called DIBS on Ness and there is nothing you can do about it! Not even Hoffmans "psychic" powers can touch me now.

 

TRY TO STOP ME NOW.

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Hellos again to Print Screen Abuse in its second edition, the sequel to the highly acclaimed and 3 times Bloggers Award nominated blog where we closely examine my favorite comments of the week and expose for what they are. LIES. BEAUTIFUL LIES.

As all sequels, I made sure there was twice the content for half the effort! So let's get to it already~



Step 1: Open www.destructoid.com in your preferred browser. Always be sure adblock is disabled for this fine site.



Step 2: Always clic the very fist headline to be sure you are the first to comment and start a nice conversation.



Step 3: Look for R.Hoffmann's and be sure to upvote them, even if you don't agree with what he says.



Step 4: Read Occams comment. Good god, they are always so great, I could just make this blog about those and I could be frontpaged.



Step 5: Look at all those Reggie-Meat avatars, Ha! I love them




Step 6.- Shouldn't I be playing videogames instead of reading comments on blogs about videogames? Nah, I'll just watch a let's play instead!




Step 7: Let your mind go back to that gorgeous video when Jonathan Holmes used a Mesh Tank Top and danced for us. Aaaah, good times.




Step 8: Never stop lurking, even if you have better things to do. Unless you have to masturbate, then proceed, I'll be waiting.




So how's that for content? What, you hated it? Oh... well...



Poop jokes!








Hello there! I don't know about you, but my favorite part of Destructoid, besides Holmes articles, are the community and what do they have to say. The articles are fine and enjoyable, and the videogame news and oddities are a fun entertainment, but the true meat and bones of the Dtoid experience is hidden in the barely functioning disqus comment system. So here are a few of my favorite comments of the week, devoid of context, poorly edited and in beautiful .jpeg format. Enjoy!


Capitulo Uno: Yo he visto a su madre, es bastante real.
From: http://www.destructoid.com/outrage-culture-is-pretty-silly-278665.phtml



Capitulo 2: Cuando hablamos de Yoshi y sus problemas de confianza.
From: http://www.destructoid.com/admit-it-you-re-a-yoshi-ditcher-279816.phtml



Capitulo 3: No se donde esta la biblioteca, DEJA DE PREGUNTAR.
From: http://www.destructoid.com/hackers-now-taking-credit-for-xbox-live-outages-280115.phtml#disqus_thread



Capitulo 4: Slowpoke usa Confusion, es muy eficaz!
From: http://www.destructoid.com/what-the-hell-did-the-pok-mon-channel-just-upload--280003.phtml



Capitulo Final: La venganza del enorme miembro del Senor Andy Dixon
From: http://www.destructoid.com/blogs/OpiumHerz/after-being-huge-for-one-year--279960.phtml#disqus_thread



And we are done!

Wasn't that fun? Love you guys and gals and keep making Dtoid such a great community. From now on I'll be saving my favorite comments and sharing them with the world, SO BE CAREFUL, I'LL BE WATCHING.

ALWAYS.
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My uncle may not work at Nintendo but I'm known for my PSI Powers and irrefutable arguments. I have been sending telepathic messages to Sakurai every night and I finally got the response I wanted. But just so you non-believers can bow in sorrow, despair and joyous self-mutilation I'll share with you honey bunnies the reasons why I (AND ONLY ME) convinced Sakurai to put Kumatora in Super Smash Bros. for 3DS and for Wii U and how my conversations with him went.

First some context
So, um, you may not know who Kumatora is. No, no. Its fine. She is a main character from a Japan only released game called Mother 3, aka the sequel to Earthbound. Here she is:



And here is her sprite art:


She can do all kinds of cool stuff. She can shoot fire, thunder, ice and freaking starstorms, she also can cause paralysis, sleepiness and brainshock on enemies. Oh, and she fights using Gloves, as in with her hands. Punching monsters. In the face. In front of other monsters, must likely that monster's wife and kids. Oh, the shame.


Ok, so lets go to the meat of the article: Why she is going to be in smash.


She is female.
When talking with Sakurai by using only my mind (And not my imagination, so don't even try to imply it in the comments), he seemed reluctant about including Kumatora in smash "But mysterious stranger in my mind who doesn't speak Japanese but I somehow can understand, no one cares about Earthbound or Mother anymore, Shigesato Itoi is too busy rubbing his glorious shaved head and drinking Western fans tears to make another game, and Mother 3 was released like 30 years ago and only in Japan, why should I put a secondary character from that forgotten game as a playable character in smash?" Sakurai asked me, clearly confused, while in his sleep, and rather interested in our talk. "She doesn't have a Rope Snake hidden in her pants" I answered. By Rope Snake I meant penis, and I can tell he understood and something resonated with him.

I suddenly lost my connection to him. I like to think he wake up, run to his desktop, broke his hand in the process and started designing a beautiful 3D model of Kumatora riding a refrigerator and charging against Mewtwo (Who is also totally going to make it to this game, btw).

If Sakurai loves something is his Waifus. 78% of shown characters in the new smash are female. FACT. Including Pikachu, Lucina, and Male Lucina. And by letting him know that Kumatora is, contrary to popular belief, female, pretty much gave her an excuse to make another Amiibo to take on dates and bake cakes to.


And massage seductively.


MOVING ON.

She has Pink hair.
If there is something the Smash Bros. franchise in know for it has to be variety. Three burly men in overalls, 4 princesses and/or goddesses. 2 pink blobs, 4 swordsmen with blue hair, a few kids, a few space ships riders, a few robots, animals. Lots and lots of color coded animals. And Luigi. You know what this game needs? PINK HAIR. And what is better than pink hair? Pink hair tomboyish girl with an attitude that is actually a princess and can firebend! YOU ARE WELCOME SAKURAI!


She was raised by not one, not two, but SEVEN fabulous guardians.
How fabulous? See for yourself.


 
What does this have to do with the article? Nothing. I just wanted to share the magypsys, they are great.

Ok, next point.

I'm out of arguments.
Huh... Um...

...

"That's it?" Sakurai asked me, clearly feeling a little bit annoyed. "Yeah. I guess... she could be really cool, like a taller Lucas, but, you know... with pink hair." I answered, trying desperately to sound confident and commanding, but listening to my own fading voice made it evident I may have not hit puberty yet, even in my twenties. "A taller Lucas... That sounds like a great idea! I'll just remove Lucas and make Kumatora a Zelda Clone! I can even troll people on Miiverse by telling them its the new Zelda desing for the Wii U game! Ha! Thanks stranger, now GET OUT" *Clank sound* "NO! WAIT! DON'T MAKE HER A CLONE. YOU DID THAT TO GANONDORF" *Beep Beep Beep* 

I tried to contact him back, but my PSI powers are apparently blocked... for good.


Or my mother may have not paid the bill. One or the other.


Oh well. At least Kumatora is going to be in smash, so rejoice! And... sorry.
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Maybe a little bit late to the party, but I didn't wanted to waste a chance to share a little bit about myself. I have been lurking this website for around 7 years now, but only recently I have taken a more active role, at least on the comments sections. So here it is, 10 things you might not know about me!

1.-I live in frontier.

I'm mexican, and I live in Tijuana. As such I have the best of both worlds when it comes to gaming and hobbys: The retail prices of the U.S.A. with the constant sales, slots and all around good times in Mexico. Its as easy to buy a new copy of Mario Kart 8 on release date on a Gamestop as it is easy to buy Mario Kart Wii for 100 pesos (Around 8 bucks), check the code on Club Nintendo and discover is still active and was part of the Wii Bundle. Also flea markets over here are the best.


And yes, Tijuana looks like this.


2.- I didn't play that many games... until recently.
As a child the only console I owned was a Gameboy with Pokemon Yellow and monopoly, and most of my teen years I expend with Mario Kart 64 and Super Smash Bros. Melee. That's it, some games I borrowed, some games I was forced to play, but by age 18 my gaming library was not bigger than 20 games, most of the DS Mario and Pokemon games. That changed when I got a 3DS 2 years ago. Since then I gave opened up to a far wider variety of games. I tried Visual Novels like Phoenix Wright and 999, RPG's like SMT IV and Final Fantasy, Strategy games, Monster Hunter, all kinds of games. And that made me try more games. I got a PS2 to play all the games I have been mising, right now I'm enjoing Persona 4, and even if I suck at it, I'm slowly going through it.

3.- I'm a huge Nintendo fanboy.
Give me anything made by the Big N and I'll end up eating it up and praising it like the second coming of Robo-Jesus, our true mechanized savior.

4.-I collect Yoshi stuff.
I have about 30 different yoshi related merchandise, its still rather smal, but I had to stop since I ran out of space... I'll continue as soon as I get a better layout.


5.- I have a crippling videogame news addiction.
As I said, I don't play that many games, at least compared to *ehem* true gamers. I have rarely touched a 360 and Street Fighter makes me dizzy, but that doesn't stop me from checking religiously around 5 or 6 gaming sites everyday, reading about the development process, watching gameplay footage and even enjoying watching my friends play through their favorite games. I really rarely play them, but I'm always enjoying them, even if I don't have the controler in my hand.

6.-Luigi's Death Stare makes me laugh EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.


Can't help it.

7.- Seven is my favorite number.
I have also never seen the movie. I might check it someday.

8.-I enjoy football. And by football I mean soccer. I like to play the Volante position (That's like a defensive midfielder) and I'm rather mediocre, but I still have fun. Also, Mexico is going to kick Brazil's ass so hard in the World Cup, I can guarantee it!

9.- I really REALLY like BBQ Sauce.
I put it in my sausages. I put it in my eggs. I put it directly in my mouth. I like to put it in my pizza, bacon, salads, beans, rice, instant noodles and bread. Yes, just bread with BBQ Sauce.

10.- I own a small anime store.
How small? Well, I guess is big enough. I have two display cabinets, a few tables, space for a TV and games and lots and lots of anime and videogame stuff. Me and my girlfriend are huge anime fans, and as such we bring to Tijuana the good stuff. Kill la Kill, Katekyoshi Hitman Reborn, Gintama, Legend of Zelda, Persona, Shingeki no Kyojin, One Piece, Kamisama Kiss, the list goes on. It's been four years since I started our bussiness and I can say without doubt in my mind that its what I want to do the rest of my life. I love the community and I love the media, so what can I say? I'll keep at it.


Guess who is me! Hint: I'm the handsome one. No, the other one.


And that's it! I hope you liked this taste of who am I as much as I enjoyed sharing. I'll see you around in the front page and C-Blogs, also you can add me as a Friend on Wii U, username is SalvaPot, I promise I'll take you on Mario Kart 8!
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If you didn't notice, Club Nintendo just renew their rewards. So let's see here:

Game I already have
Game I just bought (Goddammit)
The Kirby patches that I can never justify to myself to get (But they are so cute!)
The Mario & Green Mario 3DS pouches...

...greeting cards... with Dogs. You don't see those often.



And I scroll down the page and OH MY GOD IS THAT A FREAKING YOSHI T-SHIRT!?


OH MY FUCKING GOD!


"Calm down, Salvador Sandoval", I said to myself, "before you get all nice and excited check if its still in stock and how many coins do you need"


Calming down was hard with those abs distracting me.


WANT

WANT

WANT

I was short on coins, but for some reason the used WiiU I had just registered with Nintendo gave me coins (Yaaay!), so it is coming and I'm SO EXCITED!

...

So here are the reasons why the Yoshi T-shirt is the BEST thing ever.

Yoshi is a badass

If there is a Mario character who has proven himself over and over again is the green lizard. Have a problem? Eat it and poop it into an egg. Have a HUUUGE problem? Eat it and turn it into a GIANT egg. That's right, yoshi eats his problems and gives birth to solutions

This T-shirt is green.
No one can deny green is the best color there is. And if you have your doubts I can prove it. Whats the light you like best in a traffic light? Green. Best apple flavor? Green apple. The most important screen in Movie Making history? That's right, the green screen. Color of the coolest robot around?



That's right!


Also, Green is life, ever heard of that?


The shipping is free.
If I have learned something while in the internets and webzones is that if you buy something and shipping is free... THEN ITS A GREAT DEAL. WHERE DO I SIGN.


Chicks love Yoshi.
And guys want to be Yoshi. So if I wear the Yoshi T-Shirt, I'm wearing Yoshi. And also it has both babys and giant eggs, girls like those, right?

It's a (Not really but kinda) Free T-Shirt
There is not a greatest gift for men than a Free T-shirt, we always need one and we find a clean one when we need it most.

I really need more clothes.


It will make all my friends jealous
I can imagine it now, the greatest party of the year. Everyone goes with their best clothes. You can see Bidoofshock Infinite T-shirts, Comic-Con exclusive T-Shirts, and, of course, the Zelda Symphony 25th anniversary that sold out in the first 5 minutes before the concert was even open (Those bastards!). Then I enter the room, both hands in my hips and the sassiest sauciest sausages look on my face you can imagine...

So when is arriving, anyway?
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