11:36 PM on 09.22.2014
PK Rockin' Motherfuckers!
As always, ShadeofLight catched everyone with their pants down and went ahead and called DIBS on the Green Man Weegee, rendering the rest of the Dtoid community devastated and hopeless, because without Luigi (The obvious choice for Dibs calling, according to the man) almost all of them will be too confused and speechless to call Dibs on any other character on time. WELL SHADEOFLIGHT, YOUR PLAN FAILED, because the true obvious choice for DIBS calling was the Destinied Child of Psychic powers, Ness!
Fuck off, Luigi, not even Daisy likes you.
Ness is the greatest character in the whole game. Nay, in the whole videogame industry. Double Nay, in the whole everything ever made and to be made! How can I be so sure? Well, just look at the classy bastard! Rockin' that cap like its 1996, that sassy hair just teasingly sticking out of his cap to show off those beautiful curls, and lets talk about the wardrobe. Classic shirt, comfty shorts for Top Percentage comftyness and red shoes years before Nike received a whooping from Converse. The guy is a fashion visionary and that is WITHOUT EVEN TRYING. Let's see what else he can do!
1.- Ness has psychic powers, not that lame "Magic" shit.
You know what's lame? Magic. In most works, to get magic you have to either read a buckload of magic books or be born with the power from magical parents. And no matter what everyone tells you, reading books is gay. So by that logic, Magicians read books, ergo, they are gay.
Exhibit G. For Gaaaay.
Oh, and those with Magic from Magical Parents? Yeah... Let's just say that what they do to produce those babys in some countries, while fun, might be illegal, and in other countries, while not illegal, will be frown upon. How do Hagrid was born, anyway?
Am I exaggerating? Nah~
And this brings me back to Ness. His powers are of the Psychic variety, that means its all in the mind, duuuude, and as such its way cooler than magic. His power is as strong as his mind is! Also! Also! The Psychic powers humans in Earthbound posses where stolen from freaking aliens! Evil aliens! Is that not hardcore, I don't know what it is. When was the last time you stole a sandwich from an alien? Now imagine stealing his POWER TO MELT MINDS. Doesn't sound easy, does it?
2.-He wreaks EVERYTHING in Smash.
He is a small fast characther with amazing air combat, weird special attacks, practical tilts and incredibly satisfying Smash Attacks.
What I'm trying to say is he brought a FUCKING BASEBALL BAT.
I'll send your weak-ass face in that direction
Swords? For sissys. Fists? For idiots. Hammers? For Penguins and blobs. Real Gangstas bring their best toys to a fight and have some fun rearranging faces.
And lets not forget PK Thunder. The attack might look like a weak energy light not that different from those shot by lame Samus or Blue Miniature Samus, but that weak look is just Ness been condescending. Ness just needs to hit himself with PK Thunder and...
...And not even God (Master Hand) is safe.
3.- Ness is so good he even made it to Smash 64. WHEN NO ONE KNEW WHO HE WAS.
So its time to raise hands. Who knew what Earthound was before Smash 64 released? Now who could recognized him the first time they unlocked him on the game? Let's see. hmm, I see maybe 3 hands up. Wait, you want to go to the restroom, ok fine, but make it quick.
Even me, as much as I love Ness now, never knew who the poor bastard was. But that didn't matter then, because even so I sure as hell picked him and played with him all the time, and enjoyed it so much that I went out of my way to play Earthbound and learn more about the misterious kid with the little backpack. Ness was such greatness that his game NAMED the Smash Bros. franchise. Don't believe me? Watch for yourself!
See that text up there? Yeah, everytime your inferior character makes a Smash Attack, they are daydreaming they are Ness. Now you know the Super Smash Bros. Series is a Earthbound Spin-Off, you are welcome.
4.- Ness now fights for Two.
Been so great means sometimes there are sacrifies to be made. In Brawl, Earthbound had one more representative, Lucas, and as an equally sharped dressed boy sporting equally awesome psychic powers, the game was overwhelmed with too much awesome that Mewtwo, King K. Roll and Ridley had to be cut.
Too much power. PK Power.
Sadly, way too many people complained that having two psychic boys was "cheating" and "way too much awesome for my body to handle" (Most likely lies whispered by the whiny Magic Users), so alas, Lucas had to go home in Smash 4. No need to cry yet, since I'm pretty sure he'll be back as cool as ever, ready to put Dark Link in its rightful place.
So Ness can now harness the full power of Lucas and fight for him and the world, and lets not forget about all his other friends, who will pray for him. Pray that he beats the everlovingcrap out of Duck Hunt Dog, that prick deserves it!
So be ready Destrutoid, I just called DIBS on Ness and there is nothing you can do about it! Not even Hoffmans "psychic" powers can touch me now.
TRY TO STOP ME NOW.
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