Greetings furry enthusiasts, this is your host Mark Salmela, and this column is named Games Only a Mother Could Love. For those unaware this is a column dedicated to the cream of the crap. I’m not talking bad as in Earthworm Jim 3D, I’m talking awesomely bad as in Night Trap. You see full motion video games often get a bad rap. Sure there are terrible full motion video games such as Tom Cat Alley and Sewer Shark, but for every bad full motion video game there are several that are absolutely hilarious. I’ve made it my job, my passion, to preach the gospel of games that are so bad they’re tremendous. Some may say this is an unhealthy obsession, but my psychiatrist says we have more important things to worry about right now, so this is an obsession I’m allowed to pursue.

In this edition we’re going to look at a game that was never actually released to the public. Well, it had several prototype cabinets built, but it was never mass produced. Tattoo Assassins was developed by Data East in an attempt to cash in on the violent craze that was sweeping arcades with the success of Mortal Kombat. But why was it never released? Was it really that bad? Let’s find out.





<b><u>Tattoo Assassins (1994)</u></b>



The first thing to point out is the use of digitized graphics. Digitized graphics make everything better. Have a crappy RPG like Virtual Hydlide? Add in a pudgy, middle aged nerd in ridiculous looking armor and you have yourself a game. Feel like your fighting game isn’t up to par? Add in real people beating the piss out of each other. Well that’s what Data East did with Tattoo Assassins, but that wasn’t good enough for the best fighting game ever. They have to turn the dial up to 11. Data East through every piece of shit and crazy idea they could think of at the wall and hoped that it would all stick. I’m not kidding about the shit either. The first thing you see in Tattoo Assassins is a monk wearing a diaper. I’m not the best judge of character, but he doesn’t exactly look very proud of himself.

When I say Data East turned the dial up to 11, I’m including the storyline in that. If I tried to explain the storyline in full your head would explode. The cliff notes version of the story is that each warrior in the game has a tattoo that is made of mysterious ink that can bring the tattoo to life for a short period of time. Apparently this Wolverine looking bastard has stolen the secret recipe for this ink and is going to use its powers for evil. So ummm… you must stop him? Yeah, something like that. Oh, and you choose your warrior from the back of a hot looking chick. That’s got to count for something.



Some would argue that a solid fighting engine is the most important thing in a fighting game. And while that may be true, I’d put the actual design of the characters right up there alongside of it. Would we really love Street Fighter if each character wasn’t extremely well designed? Would Mortal Kombat be cool without characters like Sub-Zero and Scorpion? Well Data East recognized this trait and made sure that Tattoo Assassins had the greatest roster of fighters ever.



First up is the lieutenant of ass-kickery himself, Luke. Imagine Jax from Mortal Kombat, except instead of bionic metal arms he has a giant octopus tattooed on his chest. That’s one pissed off looking octopus. Luke was a Navy Seal stranded in Alaska after a bureaucrat compromised his undercover mission against the soviets. Those god damn bureaucrats and their logic. Luke is a fugitive on the run, but instead of hiding like a bitch Luke’s out to kick ass and take names. Luke doesn’t like bubble gum because he’s a proud American. Nice try commies.

While Derek has an actual back story it’s totally full of crap. Derek is actually a rock star at heart that can’t get past the fact that the 80’s are over and that Nirvana killed hair metal. Derek is out to preserve the spirit of the 80s by smoking weed and banging as many groupies as he can find young, old, or dead. Don’t believe me? Just look at his profile picture and tell me he hasn’t at least been accused of third degree rape. Derek knows exactly how long it takes for a dead body to become cold and stiff.



Karla is a former Olympian who was screwed over by the French judge in the 1994 winter Olympics. Because of this Karla has sworn revenge against everything and anything even remotely French. Karla once destroyed an entire I-Hop after they introduced French toast onto the menu. You better believe Karla’s never heard the term French fries either. Soldiers fought and died to protect her freedom and she celebrates it every day with a 100% American burger and some freedom fries. The rest of the Assassins have been put on notice, this ice queen is out for blood.

Billy Two Moons is possibly the most dangerous man in all of Tattoo Assassins. He has nothing to lose. Billy lost his casino after a deal with the Hebrew Mafia turned sour. Billy’s family stands by their tradition of being unable to read or write, so Billy can’t apply for government aid either. At the risk of starving his entire family Billy has dawned the mysterious ink and entered into this tournament of fellow meth heads and junkies in hopes of winning the title of Tattoo Assassin. Does it have a monetary prize attached to it? Probably not. But then again Billy has no idea what he signed up for in the first place.



A.C. Current is like Johnny Cage mixed with Cole from Infamous. He’s cocky, arrogant, and the ladies love him. Just don’t get too close or you’ll receive 10 thousand volts of love to the crotch. That my friends is how babies are made. And so what if he has the same visor as Cyclops and that guy from Star Trek? He pulls it off way better than any of those losers. So why is he fighting in this tournament? I have no idea, but then again no one knows why Johnny Cage repeatedly shows up to get his ass kicked in Mortal Kombat, so don’t worry about it.

Truck Davis is the last surviving member of his biker gang the Holy Terrors. Wait, no screw that. I know Truck Davis better than the developers. Truck Davis is a pissed off Russian who’s out to drink vodka and have a good time. This is just another Tuesday night for Truck Davis. Truck Davis doesn’t even have the same mysterious ink that everybody else has and is fighting over. He just has a normal tattoo. Truck’s just here to kick ass and throw Molotov cocktails at everyone. So what if he has a giant tattoo of a snake along his whole body? That just magnifies his bad-assery.



What the shit? Alright, I think it’s time to move on from the fighters.

Tattoo Assassins plays just like Mortal Kombat. There’s even a button dedicated to blocking just like Mortal Kombat. One thing that separates Tattoo Assassins from every other fighter however is that there’s a button dedicated to a special attack. Each fighter has three different special attacks to choose from and whichever attack you choose is mapped to that button. There are some amazing special attacks as well. For example Truck Davis can use a Molotov cocktail. That’s right, think you’re tough shit because you can throw a Hadouken by twisting your hands in 8 different directions and memorizing a ten button command? Well I can tap the B button and throw a fucking Molotov cocktail at your ass and it does just as well thank you very much.

Tattoo Assassins has the best special moves ever. Hannah can spit venom into your mouth, Luke throws knives at your dome, Billy Two Moons shoots a flaming arrow into your neck, Derek blows his chronic smoke into your face, and A.C. Current shoots a nail gun at you. That’s right, a nail gun. I have no idea where they got that from either but it’s incredibly awesome to dart a nail right into someone’s throat.



The final thing to note about Tattoo Assassins is all of the sick fatalities it has. Tattoo Assassins has 2196 fatalities, and while about half of them suck and most of the rest are all repeats with a slightly different twist on them, there are some awesome fatalities that need to be mentioned. Most of the fatalities involve the tattoo on your body coming to life and killing your opponent. Derek’s flaming skull flies out of his body and pukes acid onto your opponent. Hannah’s spider jumps off of her chest onto your neck and starts biting your neck. Tak has a two headed dragon that falls from the sky and crushes your opponent while he throws smoke bombs at the ground furiously. It’s almost as if he’s trying to kill his own dragon.

While Data East has developed a ton of different games the game they are best known for is unquestionably Burger Time. Well in an awesome throwback to Burger Time you can crush your opponent with a giant hamburger while the game says “it’s Burger Time”. Another food related fatality is the ability to turn your opponent into a giant hot dog. Yeah I don’t know what to say either. You can also make a giant ship fall out of the sky crushing your opponent while the screen says “Eat Ship and Die”. I don’t care how corny that sounds it’s spectacular. These are only a handful out of the massive list of awesome fatalities you can perform in Tattoo Assassins.



Tattoo Assassins isn’t for everybody. It takes a real man to appreciate the intricacy that is Truck Davis. I’m so thankful that this game exists. Mortal Kombat is my favorite fighting game series of all time, but thanks to Tattoo Assassins I know what Mortal Kombat on drugs would look like. If you have MAME, which is an arcade emulator, I highly recommend finding the rom of Tattoo Assassins and giving it a shot. This game never actually came out so I don’t feel bad in recommending piracy in this instance. It may not be the greatest and most technical fighting game of all time, but if you have a funny bone and are looking for a good time, give Tattoo Assassins a shot.