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9 Dtoiders that left an impression. A petty number and a broad term. I am going to cheat...so hard. So very very hard...even 10 times harder. I drew an avatar-name associated freak show. I drew you as one of my French girls. It's one glorious circlejerk...so...nothing to be afraid of.
I stumbled across Destructoid accidentally. In 2010 I pondered over the idea of buying "Fist of the North Star: Ken's Rage". In order to justify that purchase I was in desperate need of an even remotely positive review of said game.
Destructoid gave it a 8.5 score.
Let me quote the Dtoider Sam Spectre: "this is such a broken home omg"
(from: "How did you find Destructoid???", the Forums)
I bought the game and stayed. Only 2 years later I wrote my first c-blog.
I am not the extremely extrovert type, even in the depths of the darknet I am kind of reluctant to spill my guts. I don't comment too much on the FP, I write the occasional c-blog, I don't involve myself in the more serious discussions in the Forums.
Most of the time I am posting pictures. I consider the Random-Picture-Thread, the Animated-Gifs-Thread and the Forums' Meet&Greet-section to be my very own shangri-la of amusement. As English isn't my first language the lack of fluency and efficiency in my writings gives me the Angst. I am more of a voyeur.
I enjoy to observe the daily drama. And I like the participating parties.
So you might not know me but I am watching you. With my eyes.
It is not solely about videogames anymore.
I like that.
And because I don't have so much to say I drew my own personal monster-gallery of impressive Dtoiders.
I like monsters. I like you. Match made in heaven.
9 Dtoiders: 109 French Girls - challenge accepted
I DREW YOU AS ONE OF MY FRENCH GIRLS
Orginally my plan was to draw my top 9 Dtoiders. As cuddly monsters because I like monsters.
By setting up some rules of conduct beforehand, I tried to limit my efforts to a sensible extent of time and energy and to avoid getting lost in fiddling around with single drawings.
It got out of hand anyway…sort of.
Rule 1: No sketches, no tracing
Rule 2: once started there is no going back, one try per customer.
Rule 3: use a gel pen, so every line is permanent.
Rule 4: coloring – maximum of 9 minutes (...or less...mostly less) per character.
The drawings differ in quality quite a bit, some were done with more verve than others depending on my condition, stress-level, the place where I worked on them, the paper, the pen etc. What to expect: A lot of weird anatomy, strange and (re-occuring) color-schemes, disgusting (sorry Seph!) and/or misshapen designs (sorry Seph!), etc.
Actually this is what I liked the most about the whole process. The surprise at the end.
Whether or not I was content with the outcome I did it with love in my heart. And a whole lot of enjoyment.
So if your monster-alter-ego looks particularly crappy don't be sad...those were the rules.
I started with 9 and ended up with a hundred more: Forums, c-blogs, frontpage...perhaps you wrote something meaningful, posted entertaining stuff...be that as it may, you definitely made some kind of positive impression, you entertained me. Thank you for that.
Since there are so many of you I refrain from posting the whole bunch here and consequently clutter my blog but I want to present a selection in my special-mention-section further down. You can watch the whole bunch via the video provided further down or on my Tumblr.
If you are not on the list: there could have been more but I simply ran out of steam at some point.
I forgot BadStar and Shinta for example. That's a shame
ARE YOU AFRAID?
here they come.
Karlmariaseeberg the Sheik of Smut was so kind to meld all of my pictures into one super-duper video which you can watch here:
FRENCH GIRLS (in glorious motion)
My heartfelt thanks to Glowbear and Panza for letting me use some Scary Granules footage. karlmariaseeberg is a GOLDEN GOD. You are awesome. Thanks again.
WATCH THAT VIDEO...SERIOUSLY!
Alternatively you can browse through my Tumblr:
FRENCH GIRLS (not in glorious motion)
because some are more equal than others. In no particular order.
Observe the inconsistency!
a devious fish
a graceful bear
I heard them talk on Scary Granules and fell in love.
Papa Turkey's Drunken Discipline Hour
the lions...their names...they are legion...a piece of my blue period (it sucks)
I despised the guy when he first arrived. He is a wonderfully terrible person. With a terribly wonderful sense of humor...at least I think it is humor.
#6 MikeMartin / Phil
phil calls you names and you start to feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
genie in a bottle (German pun)
I want him as my dad
#9 Andy Dixon
I want him as my mom
#10 see how bad I am at this? Zombieplatypus
this is getting better and better:
#11 Char Aznable
a genuine Steve McQueen
SPECIAL SPECIAL MENTIONS
THE REAL LIFE:
I know karlmariaseeberg from RL. I think we've first met around 2001? Since then we share certain obsessions. He doesn't post an awful lot on Dtoid (shame on you!) but he did a wonderful Random-Pictures-Thread-Mash-Up (watch it HERE) and generally is one of my favourite human beings. He is a mean Kabal though.
I ran into domanz in the Forums' Meet&Greet-section where we discovered that we actually live in the same city (Vienna). Which by itself is already a rather strange experience, you just don't expect it when you move through an alternative reality like Destructoid. We even went to the same school, shared some teachers. We will have a baby. And the rest is SILENTIUM!
SPECIAL SPECIAL SPECIAL MENTIONS
THE FIRST CUT IS THE DEEPEST:
In 2012 I decided to join the Forums and wrote a terrible introductory-thread. I met the friendliest scavengers imaginable and they ganged up on me. It felt like they were taking turns in puking into all of my gaping orifices while panza was holding their hair, humming strange maritime melodies.
I loved it. The first few days are crucial for fresh meat and because of these guys I prolonged my stay here. Well done.
They might be oblivious to the fact that I have a special place in my heart for all of them. So I want to list them here.
nothing more to add
Too much nvg-related activity made me neglect the c-blogs for some time now: new line of work, new year, next-gen. My motivation to write during my sparse spare time had reached a spectacular low. Approximately a week ago two isolated events triggered my desire to share something:
Firstly I came across some nasty videos about an old lady hoarding dead cats (provided by the merry band of Dtoid's very own Forumites) and secondly: I experienced a relapse into carving; I started to play Monster Hunter 4 Ultimate.
At a first glance these events don't seem to have anything in common but let me elaborate a tiny bit on the connection between carving monsters and a fridge full of decomposing kittens...I am sure that provides an interesting read for almost everybody.
CONFESSIONS OF AN IN-GAME HOARDER
Anyway, I consider playing videogames to be a great opportunity for introspection and observation of group dynamics, you can watch yourself and others act in all kinds of hypothetical settings and situations. It allows me to watch myself from a greater distance.
I always wondered why games are not even more widely used in a therapeutic context.
the omniscient hive-mind says:
"Hoarding is a general term for a behavior that leads people or animal to accumulate food or other items during periods of scarcity. Some hoarding in humans may be a form of an anxiety disorder such as obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), where the perceived importance of the hoarded items far exceeds their true value. Humans may lose the desire to throw away unneeded items because of a feeling of attachment to these items."
A lot of us here are collectors of some sort...rare gems, obscure japanese niche-games, cheesy yet overpriced figurines and whatnot.
Although I have the sturdy build of a mighty hunter I am more of a gatherer myself as well.
Countless unused systems gather dust somewhere in the deep space that is my flat. Right next to my collection of graphic novels and vintage medicine books (so super-dandy).
And as many others I am obsessed with loot. Whenever I play games like Diablo or Borderlands I usually spend more time assessing, organizing and selling weapons than with actual gameplay. My inventories usually look like the ninth circle of hell. Attempts of putting things in order tend to result in adding yet another level of complexity to an already convoluted system of disorganisation.
Obsessing over loot is what prevents me from enjoying certain games, let alone finishing them…having entered a loop of getting ready …forever.
GETTING READY FOREVER
In item- and grind-heavy RPGs or any sort of game where you can spend skill points or items to strengthen your character I save all those elixirs, armor, points, whatever…for later, for when I have a greater insight into what character traits are likely to become more significant than others (I have got this system and it makes perfect sense, thank you very much) - only to notice that there is no “later”. The game long forgotten, skill points still unspent, the once shiny armor rusty and mucus-ridden. A behaviour that makes progress in games harder than it has to be. I am 13 hours into MH4. I have slaughtered Great Jaggi after Great Jaggi and still I am not sure if is wise to get me the Jaggi-Armor-set. My fridge is full.
I come from a family background of unobtrusive or lets say functioning hoarders. My mother being great at creating unspeakable chaos in a relatively short amount of time, my father collecting all kind of things and gradually building his own private empire of clutter, paintings and second hand trinkets. In his flat the walls show only sporadically that they once have been innocent and white and pure. We had fights over dust covered nests made of dry spaghetti.
In real life I try my best to deal with signs of my chaotic heritage as soon as they arise. Every picture on my own four walls is a result of hard and painful inner struggle. So neurosis strikes again. Yay.
I love my father and I appreciate his artistic approach to life but when you have to live inside an outsider-art-artwork it becomes exhausting sooner or later.
I know that I am somewhat inclined to develop similar behaviour-patterns and I struggle against that on a daily basis.
BUT IN GAMES!
In games I let my hoarder urges take over. I collect potions like mad only to not use them. And when I use them eventually I experience every sip of that life-giving brew as a kind of personal defeat. Because I’ll need that very potion desperately later on in the game for sure.Without it my future is clearly at a high risk of becoming a tale of pain and sorrow.
Items exist to be collected, to be saved from consumption and to behold them with wonder. Not to…use...them.
I find it rather interesting that game developers more often than not implement some kind of restriction to their inventory systems. Sometimes your movement tempo is reduced to a crawl whenever the last slot gets filled with some more junk or the quick-travel-options are out of order all of a sudden. Too much stuff literally slows you down. The storage space available might be incredibly small to be begin with, resources slowly decay over time or atrocities of similar cruelty.
Those games offer worlds and identities of wonder but have to hinder me in my gathering joys?
I don't get it.
The only horror I experience when I play survival horror games has always been the lack of space for my travel necessities. Oh, the horror! the horror!
I even had an intervention once…when the 1.2. update for Terraria (on PS3) killed my save-files. I really tried to get into the game again but the abyss stared back and oogly boogly...too much for my weak nerves. Which is a real tragedy, because Terraria is the perfect game for the everyday - hoarder: you accumulate resources you'll possibly never use…or at least not to the extent which the time and work you invested would insinuate.
FEEL THE PAIN! here:
"The Terraria team has just unleashed its 1.2 update for the PS3, Vita and 360 platforms"
Every single one of my many bank-worlds had been affected, nothing had been spared. In order to make things work again I likely would have had to delete and re-install the game, since the corruption (lol) spread to new save-files as well. I'll never know because that process would make my loss a final one. I avoid it.
I am through with that game. The shock simply was too much for me to handle.
Alas! This intervention did not cure me completely, my inventories are still swollen with shiny treasures but concerning my anxiety and my fear of using and losing, things seem to have gotten better...a bit at least. I am much faster at selling stuff now. Hooray.
And I make backups.
Where did I start off now? Monster Hunter…I spent about 200 hours in MH3 (hardcore-hunters are allowed to pityingly smirk at me now) in a relatively short amount of time. I felt relieved when I finally felt strong enough to stop all that binge-playing. Now I got me MH4 and my hemorrhoids begin to grasp the concept of gravity. Handheld gaming and toilets are a combination made in hell.
Anyway, I entered the vicious circle of looting and self-improvement via items again. I gather resources without ever using them.
My inventory is filling up again, slowly but steadily...with a bunch of dead kitten.
Perhaps it is time for another intervention
It was the moment of the final confrontation between Kratos and the Hecatoncheir when I realized that what I was watching on the screen was essentially porn:
a muscular white man (in shades of gray) rhythmically opens up crevices and orifices, penetrates flesh with his "tools", jumps on backs here and there while pressing all the buttons in the right order. The foe's flesh becomes a ressource, a stock which I as a player of games have to deplete: repetitive movements, change of position, close-ups.
As soon as I had beaten the first stage I had to visualize my thoughts and impressions:
For all of you who have never played the fourth iteration of the God of War-series ("God of War Ascension") I'll gladly summarize the first few minutes of this game:
A Hecatoncheir is a very big Greek with hundreds of hands, his touch is firm but gentle...the whole hairy body possibly shimmering with olive-oil. One multi-limbed giant out of three, all sons to Gaia. Where was I...ummm, yes: in "GOW Ascension" the Hecatoncheir Aegaeon functions both as the first level (his flesh tranformed into the Prison of the Damned by scary SM-siblings) and as the final boss of said level, driven mad by giant parasitic penes (Titanic STD by courtesy of dominatrix Magaera). For whatever reason Kratos doesn't like bondage (or forgot the safety word) and starts to split skulls.
I am not new to extreme violence in videogames a/o other media but the extent to which "GOW Ascension" plays that card is hilarious. It is explicit in a vulgar way and adds climax after climax. Like porn. When I finally beat Hecatoncheir (or to be more precise: the giant parasitic penes controlling the poor fellow) I experienced the usual flush of triumph but it felt somewhat dirty. I thoroughly enjoyed this obscene joyride of violence, I rummaged through filth and trash and squeaked like Piggsy from "Manhunt" while it lasted.
Nevertheless, guilt kicked in afterwards.
Now I see porn everywhere. In videogames.
I am not a hardcore adult-entertainment-afficionado (I think not), so it shouldn't be due to a toxic over-exposure to erotica that my perception is kind of porn-sensitive.
I don't know if our society is over-sexualised or not.
I don't know whether it is really the case that the porn-industry is the spearhead of techno-societal development and aims at world-dominance by manipulating all of our cultural artefacts.
I just noticed that "GOW Ascension" is not erotic at all (boobies...yawn) but nevertheless exhibits mechanisms and aesthetics of porn-movies.
And now I can't turn it off.
IT IS EVERYWHERE.
Nemesis of the "Resident Evil"- games is the John Holmes of survival-horror.
He/It has a giant retractable genital.
You have to destroy his/its body. Before it/he destroys yours
The Super Mario Bros. are supposedly in an incestuous relationship
I have fantasies about Princess Daisy ever since Super Mario Land.
They all look like 80ies porn-stars in Mushroom Kingdom
They all look like 80ies gay porn-stars in Metal Gear Solid
I mean, Solid Snake, Sons of Liberty, Snake Eater? A mustached roughneck obsessed with a bossy mother-figure slides into close-combat-"situations" with guys called Ocelot, Vamp, Fatman, etc. on several occasions? Crawling on all fours, teasingly waggling his behind?
I better keep my mouth shut abouth the following gems:
"Fist of the North Star"
"Thomas was alone"
Wrong list..."Pushmo" just confuses me.