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15 things you didn't know about RiotMonster - Destructoid




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About
.:!|[INTRODUCTION]|!:.

How's it hanging nerdlings, geekettes, /b/asement-dwellers, stoners, web monkeys, indie devs, lurkers, trolls & industry fat cats?~

In case you don't know a lick about me, I joined Destructoid quite a few sunsets ago in the early Spring of 2008, when someone from the Internet kindly informed me that Destructoid would "eat your unborn babies". Having an insatiable taste for mucus-covered, unborn babies, I knew what I had to do. Plus, people were like "WHAT THE @#$% YOU TALKING BOUT MAN?!1! WE GOT XBOX AND PLAYSTATION BITCH NIGGAH!!1!" Naturally, I was in. Since then I lurke your forums, read your c-blawgs, listen to your podcasts and lul silently. Also, cocks.

!|[SEX DRUGS & PIXELS]|!

Like most people, I have a wide range of interests. I adore anything from goofy people, offensive jokes, zombie flicks, stand-up comedians, and mind-altering experiences, to comic books, sexual positivity, philosophy, mysteries, and general bizarreness.



Also, I'm a die-hard gamer and I have an animated eagerness for spilling pixelated blood and a never-ending appetite for slaughtering moving polygons. I like to think of myself as a fairly laid-back broad. I was born with a sarcastic mindset, dark sense of humor, and an uttermost weakness for impassioned babble sessions about any video game (8-bit to 1080p) to date. I may be unorganized, immature, and irresponsible but Iím the funnest chick youíll have the chance to get teamed up with on xbox live.



You might spot me at any olí party with my signature tangled hair, ripped Hello Kitty pajama pants, and a battle-worn shirt. The girl who's most likely flapping her tongue, detailing the last minute curb stomp in her freshest match, growling about big corporations and government conspiracies, exploring the concept of eccentric theories or geeking out about some other irrelevant crap. The girl who strives to learn something new every day and genuinely enjoys turning strangers into friends.

That pathetic excuse for the girl next door, is me. If Iím not your cup of tea, you can not imagine the immensity of the fuck I do not give.

Bullets, babes & bombs,
RiotMonster.com
SexDrugsPixels.com
Playfire.com/RiotMonster
Raptr.com/SexDrugsPixels


Last bit!~
Honestly, if you ever happen to have a hankering to just chill, blast some good jams & relish in lighthearted, videogame-related, blood-spraying with me... Hit me up. Shoot me a message if you want to talk about anything at all really, I'm a bit of an open book and not a bad listener, if I do say so myself. And hey~ If you let me, Iíll cheerfully put a couple of spiffy dreadlocks in your hair.

!|[CONSOLE LOVE AFFAIR]|!

Atari 2600
NES
Super NES
Nintendo 64
Nintendo GameCube
Nintendo DS Lite [Own]
Nintendo DSi
Nintendo Wii
Game Boy Original
Game Boy Color
Game Boy Pocket [Own]
Game Boy Advance SP
Sony PS2 Slim
Sony PSP
Sony PS3 [Own]
Sega Genesis
Sega Saturn
Sega Dreamcast
Xbox
Xbox 360 Elite
Xbox 360 Arcade
Xbox 360 Slim [Own]

!|[FAVE GAME GENRES]|!

Action Role-playing
ACTION ADVENTURE
Arcade
Dance
Fighting
First-person Shooter
PLATFORMER
Puzzle
Rhythm
Strategy
Third-person Shooter

!|[GENERALLY I ENJOY]|!

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Partying

Beer Pong

My Halo Days

Destructoids' Resident Bad Asses

Destructoids's Comic Artist Mikey, because of my severe addiction to the Dtoid forums, he made me an Easter Egg once. :)

MOMerator Zodiac Eclipse, because she owns SO HARD for this. (Bongette or Bob-ong)

Phallus Knife Fight drew this and it's fuckin EXCELLENT.

Epic-bearded Samurai Y0j1mb0 made me this because we're going to get hammered one of these days.

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I am a little late on this post since I was wrapped up in watching Puppy Bowl all day...
But here it is!! 15 things you didn't know about RiotMonster!!

1. When I'm not gaming, I love to glowstick at raves.
Glow-In-The-Dark is my most favorite color. I still enjoy kandy bracelets, getting sweaty, dancing and stomping all night. My first massive rave was in Dallas, Texas at Meltdown where I got to see Rabbit in the Moon put on an amaaaaaaaaaaaazing performance. Trance is my boyfriend.. I love dancing to DnB, Acid-Techno, Dub-Step, Industrial, Psy-Trance & Hard House. I even love Happy Hardcore because it's something I can bounce around & stomp to. I make Rainbow Brite jealous because I vomit neon rainbows, drain candy-filled syringes, eat Roy G. Biv for breakfast and bleed multi-colored glitter. I will sit here and tell you that I have amazing glow sticking skills but that would make me a liar. I usually end up swinging them around, trying to be a ninja and end up with black eyes and several bruises.


2. I'm STILL a Pokemon Trainer.
I help manage the Pwned.com Pokemon League. I've caught just about every Pokemon out there and will completely pwn your weak ass Noob Pokemon. Try me. The video games are addictive as all hell, even the Pokemon Ranger ones, the Pokemon Mystery Dungeon ones and they really need to remake Pokemon Snap for the Nintendo Wii. I school everyone on the beer game "Categories" when I make them name a Pokemon and people usually run out after "Pikachu". Want to be my best friend? Give me something Pokemon related. =]

3. My boyfriend taught me how to pee outside.
When we first started dating a few years back, I wasn't allowed to stay the night at his house because his parents figured we were up to no good (which we usually were). So of course, instead of respecting their rules, I would sneak over and secretly stay the night with him. He had his own room separate from the house that used to be an emu egg hatching shack. Yeah. Anyway, so on one of the nights that I'm staying over I felt that urge to tinkle. I couldn't very well just prance up to the house and use their restroom so I had to improvise. Feeling like my bladder was about to burst, I started doing the pee dance and was giving my boyfriend the desperate look. Quickly, he jet around the room and found an empty stray 2-liter Coke bottle and started to cut it in half. "What the hell are you doing?!", I asked. "I'm making a funnel." he replied. Long story short, I relieved myself comfortably outside and the only person who witnessed it was his cat who decided to pester me the whole time trying to figure out what the hell I was up to. I laugh in the faces of toilets.

4. One of my past times is seeing disgusting, twisted things.
As a child, I grew up watching Faces of Death videos on VHS. Don't ask why my parents allowed me to watch this but they did. My brother would ask them to rent them from a small video shack downtown and we'd go home and watch cannibal orgies, brains on pavement and other horrible things. I somehow turned out just fine. ;D Now-a-days, I research serial killers who killed people in unusual ways. I search across the world wide webs looking for the most UNUSUAL porn and fetishes. Goatse, TubGirl, Genki, 2Girls1Finger, Salsa Snack, etc. I've seen it all and worse. People tend to amaze me so I can't help but want to know about it. I used to write blogs on Myspace called "Masturbation Horror Stories of the Week" to tell humiliating stories I'd come across online. They usually ended up with someone getting too horny and hungrily backing up into a door knob or getting "degloved" by vacuum cleaners and dieing. To elaborate, 2Girls1Cup is nothing compared to some smut that I've seen.


5. I used to play bass in a metal band.
I obviously love Electronic music but I cheat on it with METAL.. It's my other boyfriend. Yes, I piss and shit metal. I'm not afraid to get bloody at concerts and I live to thrash around in mosh pits. Death metal, Black metal, Speed Metal, Thrash Metal, Viking Metal, Doom Metal, etc. It all gives me a boner which is saying something.. because.. I'm a girl. From time to time I'll still pick up the beast and play but I really haven't had the time or the same passion I had before to get back into playing religiously. Want to show this girl a good time? Take me to a metal show. Want to get me in the sack? Take me to an all-day metal show with strong lead guitars screaming in my ears all day and make sure I'm covered in the vocalist's epic vomit by the end of the night.

6. My best friend says:
RiotMonster is a dildo-wielding, Pokeball-tossing, Koopa-killing machine whose gaming prowess is matched only by her sex appeal (hot female Mario much?). A connoisseur of all things gaming, she'll take your ass to school if you give her too much crap. This is one old-school vixen you definitely want to befriend. Got something disgusting/unique/interesting to share? She's seen it. 2395345 times. You don't ask Wikipedia, you ask her. We can hot. We can sexy. We can RiotMonster.


7. I'm the asshole Tea Bagger in Halo online multiplayer.
Only I should really call myself a Twat Squatter. "THE PRICE IS WRONG BITCH!!" I will drop my Spartan snatch on your face, grind like a coffee bean while howling like a monkey, donkey punch, then run off with your new shoes. I could be on a team of 10-year-old sniveling, drooling retards with zero kills and I WILL STILL DO IT!! I'll take several bullets while talking shit and taco-dropping your ass, too. I enjoy it. I FEED OFF OF IT!!! I won't stop.

8. I've had braces for 4+ years now.
Yeah, I should have probably gotten them taken out a year ago or maybe sometime this year. It's my own fault that I haven't. I'm incredibly lazy and never want to see the orthodontist so I always reschedule appointments and what not. HE'S LAZY TOO THOUGH!! >_> The fucked up thing is that I will probably have a retainer until I'm 20.


9. I won free video game schwag from the Slobs of Gaming.
Move over artists of Dtoid because RiotMonster is on her game!! ...Or... Not really. The contest was to create the worst Mario art ever and I won second place. It was pretty fun though and I got a couple of cool things from it so woohoo, win!!

10. I don't have my driver's license.
I was going to go to class and learn how to drive and what not when I was 15 years old, the normal age to do it. Then I met my boyfriend who was also going to learn to drive that year. Well, he did. I kept putting it off and putting it off and eventually when he got his license, we were always together so he always drove me everywhere. Now, I'm 19 years old and don't want to go to Driver's Ed with a bunch of freshmen from high school but I also don't have the time or patience to want to learn on my own and just take the driving test. Plus, no one I know has time to just take me to some parking lot and let me drive around in circles until I'm confident that I can do it with a state trooper. Luckily, my apartment is right across the street from the building I work in so I just walk to work but it really does suck STILL not having my license. I don't know when I will ever have the time to get it.


11. I have zero female friends in real life.
And boy, it sure pisses off my buddies that I have no slutty gal pals that they could have the chance to grope while drunk. Ever since I was a young lass, I've been seen as a tomboy. Through high school I was perceived as the weird, nerdy chick who never grew out of video games, Pokemon, Transformers, Ninja Turtles, comic books, ghost stories, cartoons, etc. I ended up only befriending and hanging with only guys. From running around an empty parking lot at midnight, smashing into each other in shopping carts to trying to out-chug each other on keg stands, my life has been a huge sausage fest. This is another main reason I love my Internets though; I can find other chicks, with my same background, that grew up with balls, enjoy slaughtering cuckoos and will still get giddy with me over a pair of hot, Iron Fist stilettos or hooker boots, drool with me over cute mini tutus and lurke the Internet screaming, "DO WANT!!1!" over furry leg warmers.

12. Bellydancing is my hobby.
I just recently picked up this hobby last year. Thanks to the magicalness that is Youtube, I learned to belly dance. It all started one night when I was bitching to a friend online about how I wanted to shed some pounds. I used to do aerobics in high school but ever since graduation, had become a complete sloth. After a few weeks of dancing, I realized I had fallen in love with it and began studying it's origins and watching Bollywood movies in my spare time. Working my abdominal muscles while feeling extremely sexy ftw.

13. I'm a Stoner.
This truly is something that not many people know about me. I'm not the type to run around with pot leaf shirts screaming "420!! Toke up!!" during early evening. I live for the times that me and a few friends lock ourselves up for a day passing around joints, only leaving to go on McDonalds runs. You wouldn't believe how delicious a McNugget can taste when under the influence. It will literally make you cry, so thankful that you have taste buds. I'm kind of a cliche stoner though; I'm lazy, stinky, always have the munchies and adore any movie that has Seth Rogan in it. Pass the bong please.

14. I throw bitchin' ass house parties.
It's true. There's at least two every week. I usually end up packing 20+ people together with the sole purpose to get them hammered. I have my own customer beer pong table and we bust this sucker out every night. We usually end up killing 30-packs left and right and race each other, chugging multiple beers through a double-hosed beer bong. My parties put 21-year-old frat boy parties to shame. Drunken SingStar karaoke, strip poker, cucumbers, hookers, party fouls, pretzels, Internet porn, keg-stands, bitch beer, pot, naked wrestling, froggy-style-humping and early morning regrets galore!! Can't wait until I'm 21. =]


15. The Nintendo 64 made me hardcore.
It was the first console that was just mine. It belonged to me and ME ONLY!! Unlike my previous consoles that were shared with a possessive older brother, this one was my baby. The N64 days are probably my golden age in gaming and the majority of titles on this console are still TOP favorites to this day. The very first game I toggled my joystick to was Mario Kart 64. From the upbeat music to getting bonked on the head by coconuts in Donkey Kong Jungle Parkway, I loved every second of it. This game is the reason I started despising Princess Toadstool. With her stupid, pink cart and her trash talking, bitchy voice that seemed to sound like she said "FUCK you!" as she passed by, I hated this whore. Super Mario 64, Diddy Kong Racing, Pilotwings 64, Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, Castlevania 64, Super Smash Brothers, Wave Race 64, Bomberman 64, Star Fox 64, Hey You Pikachu, Gex 64, Body Harvest, Snowboard Kids, Mischief Makers, WCW vs. NWO: World Tour, Conker's Bad Fur Day, Pokemon Snap, Rayman 2, Donkey Kong 64, Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards, Paper Mario, Rampage World Tour, Turok: Dinosaur Hunter, Yoshi's Story... I could go on and on for days talking about the amazing titles that this system had to offer.
My favorite series on the N64 is hands down, Banjo-Kazooie and Banjo-Tooie. I would wake up early, grab a Poptart and switch on the N64 to find a jiggy or save a Jinjo before school. Afterward, I 'd run home and spend more time with the bear and bird. Although my N64 does not start up anymore, thank goodness for the Virtual Console on the Nintendo Wii that allows me to play these games again. I just miss the days when my controller would be super heavy because of the attachable Rumble Pack and when using a Game Shark that was given to me made me feel like a bad ass hacker.



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