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2:39 AM on 08.05.2009

Aborto's Ultimate Tag Team Contest: Relentless Annihilation and Violent Rape Edition

This is my entry for Aborto Fetus's Swag Giveaway Contest that ends this Thursday (so, don't even bother). He started the contest in honor of the XBLA re-release of Marvel vs. Capcom 2 which is hands down, my FAVORITE fighting game ever. Speaking of, remind me to purchase it so I can partake in some FNF with the rest of you guys as soon as my account is no longer suspended... >_>

Anyway, I chose Spawn, Carnage and Pyramid Head for a lot of obvious and specific reasons. One of those reasons I picked them is because I've always been a little naughty at heart. Harley Quinn is my idol and I'd love to kill time and boredom like Bad Girl does. So knowing that, OF COURSE I would want a tag team of some of the most ruthless, violent (and just plain bad ass) guys around. I think that these three are THE Ultimate Tag Team around and it'd take massive firepower as well as a listening God to take all three of them down.

Spawn is possibly one of the coolest comic book characters ever in existence. That's just fact right there but believe it or not, I chose him for more than one reason. I picked him mainly because of his awesome suit. His shroud, spikes, chains, and skulls are all part of an organism bonded to his central nervous system that will protect him. A part of his physical powers actually come from his suit. He can transform the shroud into a battle axe to cut every one of his foe's limbs off with ease. The shroud itself is an effective offensive weapon that's able to strike in battle with extreme precision, severing limbs, and disarming enemies.

Spawn's vast magical powers are especially amazing, though. His body is composed of 450 pounds of Necroplasm which is what gives him superhuman strength and durability. When harmed, his internal organs magically re-appear when he regenerates his wounds kind of like Wolverine from X-Men. He's uses his abilities wisely, relying primarily on his suit's natural abilities or weapons rather than the magical abilities during combat. Spawn can also resurrect the dead, fire blasts of Necroplasmic energy at his enemies (HE WILL SHOOT YOU WITH LAZERZ!!), teleport, shift his shape, and cure the sick. He's practically immortal unless beheaded by a weapon of heaven AND GOOD LUCK FINDING ONE!!

Having the spawn of hell in MVC3 would be the shit because (like Jill) I could just sick a legion of corpses on enemies to take care of my light work. Then I'll chop off the limbs and shoot the rest.

Carnage was born for annihilating everything in his waking path. As a child, he pushed his grandmother down the stairs, tortured his dog and burnt down his orphanage. So, if you haven't noticed, he's kind of fucked in the head which makes him a perfect part of my Ultimate Tag Team. He's bloodthirsty and unstoppable. Carnage is way stronger than Spider Man and Venom combined. He can shape-shift, create weapons like knives and axes with his symbiote and insert crazy ideas into people's heads. He can crawl like Spider Man so he's just as agile and can kill and get away with ease. Also, he can regenerate when wounded and is immune to infection and disease. In your face, AIDS!!

Carnage even developed an immunity to the sonic booms that symbiotes are usually vulnerable to so that means you can't just ring a big ass Liberty bell to stop him. It's obvious why I picked Carnage; he is insane and just does whatever the hell he wants for the taste of blood. He kills mainly for his own pleasure, but also sees it as a form of art. And to put the icing on top of the morbid cake, Carnage is known for writing "Carnage Rules" on the walls with his victim's blood. Yeah, just try to stop him. Also also, don't forget, recruiting Carnage and having him on my good side also lets me use his army of psychopathic super villains including Shriek, Demogoblin, Carrion, and Doppelganger. Booyahhhh.

If he was in MVC3, he wouldn't even have a real moveset, you couldn't even control him, he would just strike on his own whenever the hell he felt like. That's how much of a bad ass he is.

If anyone who has played Silent Hill could describe Pyramid Head in one word, they would all say the same thing, "Baaaad." It just slips off the tongue. "Baaaaad" just happens to be the word that fits the most with Pyramid Head. He doesn't have to own a huge arsenal of weaponry to kill you, just one long sharp and fear-inducing knife to rip you apart. Pyramid Head murders his victims in extremely painful and violent manners both physically and mentally.

Just remember...

Don't deny that you're secretly jealous of the mannequins he constantly has his way with. Pyramid Head's sex appeal alone could be my only reason for picking him. Plus, you can't say "no" to Pyramid Head without having a gaping asshole that resembles bloody lunchmeat when you walk away. He is a vindictive murdering rapist with a demented mind and a slow swagger. Not to mention that it's Rape O' Clock all of the time on his watch so if you don't want to get brutally beaten AND RAPED, then don't fuck with my Ultimate Tag Team.

If Pyramid Head was in MVC3, he'd just stand there menacingly and get hit points. When he feels like it, he'll tackle his foe and butt rape would ensue. Afterwards, he'll just cut you.

So, those are my picks. The rules for the contest was that the entries had to include at least one video game character and at least one comic book character. I was thinking of taking the easy route and including Spider Man for his endless abilities or Master Chief because of his shooting skills and cool weapons but those guys are too predictable and to be honest, a little too boring for me. No offense to both because I do love them but I want people to FEAR my posse. These three are the epitome of "FEAR" and they are practically unstoppable. Plus...

What's more scarier than an axe in your skull, a dislocated jaw and the smell of rape? Nothing.


PS: This contest really let the comic book loving geek in me come out to play so I kind of nerdgasmed, deciding to make a couple of slideshows to tribute my Ultimate Tag Team. If you want, you can check them out. They're really not that interesting though lol.



[embed]142842:21146[/embed]   read

10:10 AM on 05.09.2009

Other Worlds Than These: Living in Nightopia

The sun reflects brightly on the crystal clear lake in front of you. All you can hear are some Nightopians running through the open fields while others gaze lazily at the wonderfully aqua sky. Their tiny pink translucent wings flutter and their halos gleam as they glance over at you, in curiosity. Excited, you begin to explore, prancing through a path of glowing purple stalagmite crystals. Giant birds in colors you've never seen before fly above you and glowing fish in the oddest shapes swim nearby you. You've never seen something so beautiful. This is beyond the gateway of imagination, of reality. This is Nightopia.

Suddenly, you hear a whooshing sound and you turn around to come face to face with a mischievous-looking jester with large, sapphire, feline eyes and a half grin on it's face. You can't help but wonder what it's gender is but in a way, it doesn't matter at all. It's whatever you want it to be. It's levitating in front of you, playing what appears to be an invisible flute. It emits vibes of total and complete freedom. Before you can even blink, it grabs your hand and jets away leaving what appears to be some sort of "twinkle dust" in the midst. All that is imaginary helps it fly with us. It soars in loop-de-loops and breast strokes through the sky. With every glowing item and sparkling ring you fly through, music, of the equivalent of angels singing, plays through your eager ears. Breathing in the fresh air, feeling the wind against your hair, covered in exhilarated goosebumps and watching the dandelion fluff balls float down gently to the ground, you are perfectly serene. This is Nightopia.

Earth has no rules here. The trees and flowers will grow however they feel. Earth formations that have gone rebellious and insane are only found in Nightopia. Real life Mother Nature would be sorely disappointed. The color "green" is at it's purest definition in this haven. Skyscrapers and other buildings and structures that would appear man made at first glance, emit a magical resonance within them. They too, are shaped in magnificent ways that even the greatest architects in the real world would die to create.

For what only feels like hours, but is really seconds, you realize that anything is possible here. Persona masks can turn you into different things to enhance the dreamlike experience. In the last couple of seconds, you've already become a bobsled, boat, roller coaster, dragon, rocket and dolphin. Living a life of gliding, spiraling and looping through a variety of worlds such as Pure Valley, Delight City, Lost Park and Memory Forest would be ultimate. Flying through Spring Valley and Splash Garden, blasting through rings and gathering beautiful orbs could possibly be the key to happiness. What else is in store in this magical atmosphere?!

Right when you're thinking about how you'd never want to leave, a screeching noise rings through your ear drums. The most annoying and horrible sound in the world seems deafening. The constant maddening howl fills you with a pitiful sadness and anger. You've never been so disappointed in your life to know that this world isn't all that it seems... Then you realize it's your alarm clock.

Our escape from the world constantly remains in our minds. Nightopia symbolizes everything that you've ever wanted and never knew. Finding happiness is like finding yourself. Self-actualization is a process of discovering who you are, who you want to be and paving the way to happiness by doing what brings YOU the most meaning and contentment to your life over the long run. Finding happiness and enjoying life is everything that this world is about. In Nightopia, if you can dream it, you can live it.   read

7:43 PM on 05.08.2009

Other Worlds Than These: The Pokemon-filled Kanto Region

So for this Monthly Musings, I was running through all sorts of ideas in my head about different video game universes that stood out to me. I contemplated talking about the Halo worlds or the Legend of Zelda realms but something didn't feel quite right. I told myself to try to remember the one place that I would absolutely LOVE to live in, to remember my thoughts as a child with great imagination and reminisce about what I wanted most out of life. Then, it finally hit me.

Well of course, I've always wanted to live in the Kanto Region.

No it's not like just any dog, this one shoots fire!!

Any person who has ever heard of Pokemon in their lifetimes will, most likely, only remember this particular region. It's home to the first set of Pokemon that stole our hearts. Those wonderful and most original Pokemon. The first one hundred and fifty one.

Even the most hardcore of Pokefans that have battled their way through Johto, Hoenn and Sinnoh have to admit that nothing beats dog fighting our pocket monsters on familiar soil such as Kanto's. The only bad folks we really had to worry about in this city would be the dim-witted Team Rocket. All they ever had were Meowths, Arboks and Wheezings. Pffft, nothing that would ever worry an experienced Pokemon handler like myself. Of course, there are plenty of other members of Team Rocket that are trying to take over the world... But if you ask me, leave all of that to the suits in charge. I'm just here to play with my Pokemon. Living in the Kanto Region meant living in simple times and life was just amazing.

No! Noooo, it's not just a bull, it can cause an Earthquake!!

What child doesn't want a companion to love and grow up with? Every one does. We all need that little sidekick to help us get through life. Luckily, I had several. Can you imagine waking up every morning with an Eevee nuzzling your face, waiting with eager eyes, for you to greet the brand new day? What about getting to school or work, riding on the back of a fierce Charizard? Have a bully that picks on you at school? Does he throw Weedles in your mashed potatos during lunch? Make him meet you afterschool and bring your Nidoking with you. See if wants to mess with you any more after he's suffering from Poison Sting. Our perceptions of "bad ass" would be insanely different than what it is today.

Living in Kanto means I get my pick of the best of the best Pokemon. I would not only have six though. I'd have one for every occasion. A great Pokemon to have would be Snorlax. I'd sleep on his belly during the Winter to keep warm. If I ever forgot to take out my garbage during the day, I'd let Snorlax gobble it down so I wouldn't have to go out past sunset. Who wants to deal with pesky Zubats on your day off? I know I don't. He'd be a warm bed and the perfect garbage disposal all in one.

Living in Kanto wouldn't always be so easy but I'd take every negative in stride. I don't mind having
annoying wild Butterfree ruffle my hair if I get to see wild Rapidash running freely through open fields. I will live with friends cow tipping wild Tauros and bragging my ears off if I get to snuggle my Vulpix every night. I'd have bags under my eyes and a twitch due to the Haunter who decided to live in my closet and stare at me with that wide grin but I'd have a giant Dragonite right outside my window, protecting me. Yes, I would have a freaking Dragonite. I'd dedicate my whole life to owning one of those. Who would need to pay electricity bills when you have a horde of Jolteons to generate your electricity. Gas bills? Forget about that outdated stove. That's what young Charmander is for. The positives definitely outweigh the negatives when it comes to living in Kanto and frankly, I would give anything for it to be real.

All I'd hope for is that people wouldn't buy and trade Jinxes for some sort of underground prostitution thing. I feel like PETA (Or I suppose PETP) would be all over that one.   read

2:59 PM on 04.08.2009

Those About To Die: Slaughtering Greek Mythology

I have always had an admiration for Greek Mythology and the history of different Greek Gods. I researched it in school and not a day would pass where I would wonder what it would be like to live in that sort of world.

What if I were to stumble upon the gates of Hades and be face-to-face with a snarling, teeth-baring Cerberus, the three-headed beast? Would I be a mere mortal or a legendary creature that was either feared or adored by all? How awesome of a world would it be to feed Minotaurs, have sex with Nymphs, ride Griffins and avoid Sirens like the present-day Detroit hooker? A world where you were sent out on missions to exterminate swarms of importunate Harpies, everpresent Undeads, sexy Gorgons and other creatures along the way. Of course, between all of the battling, have a traditional break for a quick threesome with two hot women.

I wanted to experience this world and I don't know about you but Disney's Hercules didn't quite do it for me. What did throw me into this wonderful, fabled universe was God of War.

I found myself in the greaves of Kratos, wielding the cursed Blades of Chaos, staring down the Undead who are ready to rip me limb from limb... If they are quick enough. Battling under a sky that burns obsidian black, I was forced to take out the walking skeletons by (button mashing) hacking and slashing them. After several dismembered spines and shattered skulls in only a matter of a few minutes, I was hooked on annihilation. Swinging the fiery blades around to slice up enemies is so much more fun than it sounds. The sound of the chains attached to the Blades, slamming into them is just exhilarating.

With the stench of blood and death filling my lungs and broken bones of the weak Undead underneath my feet, I made my way inside of the damaged ship to get some health. Just when I thought it was safe in the narrow corridor, I had the pleasant surprise of meeting with one of the many heads of the Hydra. The reptile-like monster screeches at me through teeth that are thicker than my torso and snaps at me like a five-hundred ton Pitbull.

I remember when I was first playing this I was thinking "No way I have to fight this thing so early in the game..." Then I noticed the boss health bar at the bottom of my screen...

Drastically, I swing my blades to strike the foe right in the face. Every enemy that dared to stand before me before was eradicated; Why should this Hydra be any different? The creature lets out another gutteral roar and snaps his jaw again. Too slow for Kratos. I jump out of his reach and bring the Blades down upon him again. The creature's eyes burn with primal hunger. Drenched in blood and gore from the fallen, I would be the perfect snack for him. I wouldn't let it go down like that.

Of course, not so early into the game.

One third of his life is gone and suddenly, boom, he drops his head. What's this, fierce Hydra, are you too weak to battle me? Just when I think this is my chance to lay some quick hard hits on the beast, a button combination appears. Taking what appears to be my only chance, I impale the mongrel's head and slam it into the side of the corridor. I continue to do it until the Hydra drops it's head again in defeat. Oh ho, but I'm not done with it just yet.

The gloriously green triangle button appears over the Hydras head and Kratos leaps onto his snout, raising both Blades of Chaos high above him and plummets them into the iris of the sea monster. He roars a pathetic sound of defeat and pulls his head away from Kratos in angered fear. He's not dead but I'll deal with him later.

God of War was the first game to throw quick button combinations at me to execute amazing ways to take down my enemies. I love this series to death and will never forget this first epic battle with, one of the nine, Hydra heads. This game really threw me into the action and made me feel all high and mighty early on. There was no ten minute tutorial on pulling off combos. I had to fend for myself and get the hell out of that damaged ship before I would be swimming with the fishes. Little did I know that there would be even bigger beasts that I had to annihilate later in the game (and in the series) but at that exact moment that I knew I had to fight the Hydra, I was scared, exhilarated and giddy to take it down. I was ready for the challenge and I succeeded.   read

11:41 AM on 03.16.2009

Happy 3 Year Birthday: 15 Reasons to Love Destructoid

[[[[[[[[[[Happy 3 Year Birthday: 15 Reasons to Love Destructoid]]]]]]]]]]

1. Mr. Destructoid is the greatest mascot since Mario & Sonic.
I mean just look at him. He's the picture of pimp. He's got swagger.

2. Community Discusses.

3. Friday Night Fights.

4. Hilarious Front-Paged Articles.
The staff on this site are just genius. I go here when I want up-to-date news and hilarious viewpoints. The editors remain unbiased and have so much personality.

5. Promoted Community Blogs.
I love reading everybody's different views about video games and their life stories. It's amazing to get such a wide range on this site and it's not just the same blog over and over again from some different asshole.

6. The Forum Mods aren't dickheads.
Seriously, this is a big plus. Techn0phile is extremely dedicated but still knows how to NOT be a douche nozzel. That's highly admirable these days. All of the modulars are bad ass and not power-hungry. Yay!! The Forumers are my favorite part of Destructoid. You all own and I can't name every one of you because there's too many. Thanks for reeeeally making me feel home.

7. No Apparent Reason Parties.
These are pretty self-explanatory, I'm sure. I have yet to attend one but when I do, expect many, many dry humps and alcohol tasting kisses. I toooooootally hope I can make it to PAX 09 but it's just a money issue. Best b'lee if I had the cash, I'd be on the first plane from Texas to Seattle to see you folks.

8. It's become Home for so many lost souls.
The Community owns. It's no surprise that everywhere you turn, you'll see a story from someone stating they feel at home on this website. They met people at NARPs and felt like they've known them for years. It's gratifying. I wonder if the founders could have seen this coming when they first started Destructoid.

9. Niero's Dedication to the site.
It leaves you speechless and with a warm feeling in your heart.

10. The Community contains many "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" Fans.
This is just bad ass. I love you fuckers.

11. It's home to some of the best Artists on the underbelly of the Internet.
It's true. Look at the wallpapers. The Destructoid comic. The talent on this site is remarkable.

12. The Community really loves each other and cares for each other's Happiness.

13. The Community feeds the Trolls, only when it's lulzy.

14. They Community will let you know if you Suck.

15. Also, cocks.

There truly are soooo many more reasons to love Destructoid but I had to make this list short and sweet because I was already running late to work. Just know, you guys own so hard. This website kicks ass. I hope we can someday be IRL friends and share topsauce stories of awesome, trade pr0n and just play some fucking games. I'll bring the booze and cupcakes.

PS: I feel bad for whoever is the C-Blog Recapper for today. =/   read

11:20 AM on 03.10.2009

Hospital raises funds to create a Game Room in honor of a patient who died.

Evan Patrick Bell was a 13 year old gamer who was sadly, killed by a malignant brain tumor recently, on February 6th. He will be missed but thanks to the Wolfson Children's Hospital, he will never be forgotten.

The hospital and supporters have exceeded their goal of raising $50,000 to build the hospital a game room named after the boy. Many organizations were put together such as Girl Scout events and fundraisers at St. Paul's Catholic Church and Mayport Middle School. There was an "Art at the Beach" event on Saturday and Sunday at the Courtyard Marriott in Jacksonville Beach, where artists agreed to donate part of their proceeds to the cause.

The new game room will honor Evan, who loved video games and played them before he died. Jacksonville News reports:
Wolfson met the boy and his family while Evan was being treated at the hospital and she wanted to help by starting the effort to name a new game room for Evan. The $50,000 goal was established last month, when the effort began and Wolfson wanted to raise the cash by Tuesday, Evan's 14th birthday.

It's heart warming to read about these sort of things. My thoughts go out to his family, it really is amazing that they are doing this in his honor. Now his passion for video games will never be forgotten and children who sadly, have to be at Wolfson Children's Hospital will have the Evan Patrick Bell Game Room to play in.   read

5:56 PM on 03.07.2009

I'd toggle THEIR joysticks: Seven of the Hottest Video Game Characters to Grace my Screen

So, I was sitting at my desk, daydreaming about which X-Men power I wanted (while my coworkers were building the world in their image, ya know, being successful and what not) when it came to me how unbelievably hot Wolverine is. Not just the Hugh Jackman Wolverine but the comic book version as well. It might just be his personality but there's something unusually hot about him.

Slightly aroused and giddy, I started thinking about all sorts of fictional characters and attractive piles of polygons that I'd totally bang. I then started to think about the numerous blogs and blogs AND BLOGS about Lara Croft, Cammy, Felicia, Morrigan, Chun-Li, Samus Aran, Princess Peach and all of the hot video game Femme Fatales and Damsels in Distress. Well, that's been all fine and good but where's all the Man Candy?

I feel like It's time for all of the fangirls, female gamers and perverted chicks to get their fill of grizzly, huge-muscled, strong-jawed men of our very own video games. I have a lot in mind but for right now, I'll just name a few to make a few females squeal in fangirl delight. Girls, grab a towel, without further ado, here's "Seven of the Hottest Video Game Characters to Grace my Screen."

7. Kratos [God of War series]
Complete with a bald head, a stern look that says "Oh you'll GET on that bed and LIKE IT" and abs that go on and on and on, Kratos is definitely one Spartan that I'd like to lure into bed. Of course the chains and blades that are cursed to remain on his arms might be a hassle in bed, but I'd take a few cuts and hospital trips for him. We've seen how well he can please more than one female at a time. If that doesn't show he's do-able, I don't know what does.

6. Captain Falcon [F-Zero series]
Many will argue that his clothes cover up too much but I love that skin tight suit he sports. Not only do they enhance his rippling abs but they show off his big bulging... uh, calf muscles. I just hope he's not as fast in bed as he is on the race track. He's hands down the manliest man to come from Nintendo, if he gets you pregnant - there's the trusty ol' Falcon Punch, also, he beat God in a race. Now, that's a man.

5. Pheonix Wright [Ace Attorney series]
To be honest with you, I don't know exactly what Pheonix's appeal is. It might just be how intelligent he is or how powerful and sweaty he looks after screaming "OBJECTION!!" I just had to have him on the list though, because he has crossed my mind many-a-time on cold, lonely nights.

4. Heishiro Mitsurugi [Soul Calibur series]
Ahhhh Mitsurugi. He's a veteran warrior with unrivaled looks. I feel like if this were a real guy, I'd totally date him even if he was a complete asshole just because he's so easy to look at. That long flowing black hair, bad ass smirk and pecs that would intimidate boulders, Mitsurugi is one attractive man. Also, he's one of the few that can pull off wearing sandals.

3. Travis Touchdown [No More Heroes]
Travis is a different kind of hot. He doesn't have long flowing hair and outrageously big muscles like the other guys. He's just cool as hell and I'd want to hang out with him, after a nice romp. He's a crude and immature stereotypical otaku that loves professional wrestling and collects anime figures and he's got that douchebag fraternity boy look that you hate until he's inside you.

2. Marcus Fenix [Gears of War series]
Marcus probably has the hottest voice out of all the men on this list. (Yes, I know John Di Maggio voices him but I don't care) Watching him lug around all of that heavy armor and all of that heavy artillery shows just how strong he is. Not only is he amazingly sexy but he knows how to take charge. Breaking out of prison... Ordering his squad around... There's something about a man in authority that is a major turn-on. Some guys can't quite pull off a soul patch but Seargent Fenix definitely can and I hope he never shaves that sucker off. Plus, what girl doesn't enjoy that ticklish feeling? I know I do.

1. Chris Redfield [Resident Evil series]
Last but definitely not least, is Chris Redfield. I can't even say his name without drooling just a bit. The way he carries himself says enough but just look at that face and those enormous arms!! As a member of the STARS Alpha team, Chris alone, is enough to give me the tingles late at night as I try to fall asleep. I can't put into words how badly I'd rock his world and how unbelievably hot he is. I tried but I just can't do it. All I have to say is the world needs more hot Chris Redfield cosplayers. Deliver pleeeeease.

Runner Ups: Solid Snake, Leon Kennedy, Jak, Duke Nukem, Vincent Valentine, Squall Leonhart, Cloud, Ryu Hayabusa, Link & Dante.

Edit: Lol, I feel like a few of you Dtoiders want to jump Solid Snake's bones more than I do. I promise you I made a huge list but I just put it in my top toppppp favorites. Don't get me wrong, I'd toggle Snake's joystick any day but he just wasn't Top Seven material to me =[ Blasphemy? Maybe.   read

7:54 PM on 02.24.2009

Pokemon Platinum: Which starter Pokemon will I use this time?!

Finally, the Pokemon Platinum website is up and running so us, Americans, can feel anxious and seriously consider freezing ourselves like Cartman when he was waiting for the Nintendo Wii launch.

Take a glimpse at the site and you'll see the AMAZING Giratina figure that you get with your preorder. I'll admit I'm a SUCKER for free swag but even if I wasn't, I'd be all over this. Giratina has been one of my top favorite legendary Pokemons since I saw and knew about it. C'mon he's a fucking Ghost Dragon, that's just awesome.

Totally want this.

Giratina is so full of win as a Pokemon.

Also, there's a chance to oggle at the five mysterious forms, which if you know anything about Pokemon can already guess at who it is. Hint: Think of the mysterious, haunted mansion in Pokemon Diamond & Pearl. And here's Shaymin's sky form which looks pretty cool and seems like he might have some interesting Move Sets.

There's a new trailer for the game so check that out. Oh, and there's wallpapers and screen savers for the Pokemaniacs. You can learn a little bit more about the story and new characters, such as your rival and many more. By the looks of their silhouettes, they look like they'll have amusing designs.

The storyline involves a disturbance atop Mt. Coronet, as a portal to the "Distortion World" is opened and Sinnoh's climate becomes colder.

Platinum also features improved animations such as the trainers moving during battles, better graphics and a new winter theme. There's even a new area to explore called Torn World, an upside down environment with gravity-defying effects. From the trailers, this looks pretty interesting.

Another bad ass feature is the ability to save any of your Wi-Fi battles via the Battle Recorder, which lets you save your epic victories and rub them in the faces of others. Visiting the game's Global Trade Center enables you to access it and check out other people's battles. Since Nintendo categorizes the videos based on popularity, finding the best battles should be pretty painless. Hell yeah.

All this excitement over Pokemon really gets me giddy at the thought of starting over a whole new Pokemon team, training for hours a day, breeding and competitive battling. The first thing that pops into mind of course is who in the holy batman fuck is going to be my first Pokemon? I had all three of the starter Pokemon in Pokemon Diamond and I never could pick my top favorite.

Flaming monkey ass was always great and everyone loves penguins but I think, this time, I'm going for the cute little turtle. I hardly use many leaf Pokemon so I can try that out. Who are you going to pick?   read

1:25 PM on 02.13.2009

Xbox Live doesn't mind mutual masturbation.

Being in a long distance relationship is hard. Aren't you tired of all your lonely nights, wishing you could be with the one you love who resides far far away in Kentucky? Frustrated with the cold nights of masturbating, using your tears as your own lubricant? Annoyed at the fact that your female next-door-neighbor isn't hanging out her panties to dry since they became mysteriously missing?
Well now you don't have to!!

The people over at Xbox Live & game developer, Entrager have been there and they have bestowed a game upon us called Remote Masseuse.

This is straight from the official game description on
Take control of someone else's controller to give them a soothing "massage", either locally or over Xbox Live. Solo mode lets you use your own controller to "relax". Different vibration settings allow you to give the "massage" you want to give or receive. Supports voice chat so you can request the perfect massage. Great for long distance relationships.

(Ok, I may or may not have added the quotation marks.)

Just in time for Valentines Day. It'll cost you 200 MS points to get your lover squirming via her pink Xbox 360 controller. Although if massive "massage" orgies are your thing, unfortunately, this is only for up to 2 players. D'awwww.. I guess we can't have everything.

Well, at least we won't have to hear any more horror stories about XBL pedophiles stalking preteen boys and girls anymore. Now they can just "toggle their joystick" at home and also get their lovers off 10,000,000 miles away!! How convenient.

Honestly, I just don't see why anyone would want to taint their poor Xbox 360 controller with such sin. Then again, I'm sure plenty of people strap condoms on their Wii remotes so I shouldn't be that shocked, I suppose. I'm not sure who would actually purchase this game but I don't doubt that people will.

In an interview with Media Whore Network, Entrager states:
I actually used the project as a way of learning how to write games in XNA. I didn’t really have a specific project to work on, so I just linked two controllers together over the network. I left it at that and started working on a puzzle game. When it became clear to me that what I had was something people might actually want to use over XBox Live, I decided to polish it up and release it.

Mhmm, I'm sure you don't have a 12 year old girlfriend in Alaska that you wanted to please.

If you want to get a look at this monster yourself, you can demo the game for up to 1 minute. For you "One Minute Men", lucky you, but for the rest of the sad, lonely Xbox Live users, the game will rape their wallet a bit.

Girls? Get ready for a bunch of perverts online offering to buy you this game.
Guys? Please.. just.. don't.   read

2:02 PM on 02.06.2009

Spice up your resume with video game achievements!

Many career-seekers are now throwing in extra tidbits in their job résumé such as attaining the Suicide Missionary achievement in Gears of War 2, their level & class in World of Warcraft and how many Pokemon they've captured. This might seem a little inconsequential, but associate professor and director of MIT's Education Arcade Program, Eric Klopfer says that a number of recent studies have examined what practical skills a person can pick up by playing electronic games. If you really stop and think about all of the good things that video games have done for us, it appears very plausible that our skills could help us in any job field. Playing video games involves learning how to express yourself and how to work well with others, making a commitment and working hard to achieve team objectives, becoming very skilled in strategizing and mapping-system dynamics and the way varying factors influence each other.

"It's just too bad that gaming still has this stigma attached to it in the modern workplace," says Ethan Mollick. Mollick is a researcher at MIT's Sloan School of Management and coauthor of Changing the Game: How Video Games Are Transforming the Future of Business. Mollick believes that many employers still view gamers as slackers. If only employers KNEW the extensive hardwork and dedication that gamers have when trying to achieve a goal or complete a mission.

Klopfer helps revisit some time-tested résumé bullet points and see how some games might provide an upgrade on your job searches. Of course, this really should not be talking points in a full-court-press job interview, unless you're looking for employment in the game industry, but hey, it might help.

---Team Player
---Able to See the Big Picture
---A Problem-Solver
---A Born Leader
---Strong Communication Skills

With the economy the way it is, I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of unemployed people are reading this. Next time you strap on that tie and down the energy drink, heading out to your next interview, remember that these key talking points could possibly help you get that job as cashier for 7-11. ;)

[Source: PC World]   read

1:18 AM on 02.02.2009

15 things you didn't know about RiotMonster

I am a little late on this post since I was wrapped up in watching Puppy Bowl all day...
But here it is!! 15 things you didn't know about RiotMonster!!

1. When I'm not gaming, I love to glowstick at raves.
Glow-In-The-Dark is my most favorite color. I still enjoy kandy bracelets, getting sweaty, dancing and stomping all night. My first massive rave was in Dallas, Texas at Meltdown where I got to see Rabbit in the Moon put on an amaaaaaaaaaaaazing performance. Trance is my boyfriend.. I love dancing to DnB, Acid-Techno, Dub-Step, Industrial, Psy-Trance & Hard House. I even love Happy Hardcore because it's something I can bounce around & stomp to. I make Rainbow Brite jealous because I vomit neon rainbows, drain candy-filled syringes, eat Roy G. Biv for breakfast and bleed multi-colored glitter. I will sit here and tell you that I have amazing glow sticking skills but that would make me a liar. I usually end up swinging them around, trying to be a ninja and end up with black eyes and several bruises.

2. I'm STILL a Pokemon Trainer.
I help manage the Pokemon League. I've caught just about every Pokemon out there and will completely pwn your weak ass Noob Pokemon. Try me. The video games are addictive as all hell, even the Pokemon Ranger ones, the Pokemon Mystery Dungeon ones and they really need to remake Pokemon Snap for the Nintendo Wii. I school everyone on the beer game "Categories" when I make them name a Pokemon and people usually run out after "Pikachu". Want to be my best friend? Give me something Pokemon related. =]

3. My boyfriend taught me how to pee outside.
When we first started dating a few years back, I wasn't allowed to stay the night at his house because his parents figured we were up to no good (which we usually were). So of course, instead of respecting their rules, I would sneak over and secretly stay the night with him. He had his own room separate from the house that used to be an emu egg hatching shack. Yeah. Anyway, so on one of the nights that I'm staying over I felt that urge to tinkle. I couldn't very well just prance up to the house and use their restroom so I had to improvise. Feeling like my bladder was about to burst, I started doing the pee dance and was giving my boyfriend the desperate look. Quickly, he jet around the room and found an empty stray 2-liter Coke bottle and started to cut it in half. "What the hell are you doing?!", I asked. "I'm making a funnel." he replied. Long story short, I relieved myself comfortably outside and the only person who witnessed it was his cat who decided to pester me the whole time trying to figure out what the hell I was up to. I laugh in the faces of toilets.

4. One of my past times is seeing disgusting, twisted things.
As a child, I grew up watching Faces of Death videos on VHS. Don't ask why my parents allowed me to watch this but they did. My brother would ask them to rent them from a small video shack downtown and we'd go home and watch cannibal orgies, brains on pavement and other horrible things. I somehow turned out just fine. ;D Now-a-days, I research serial killers who killed people in unusual ways. I search across the world wide webs looking for the most UNUSUAL porn and fetishes. Goatse, TubGirl, Genki, 2Girls1Finger, Salsa Snack, etc. I've seen it all and worse. People tend to amaze me so I can't help but want to know about it. I used to write blogs on Myspace called "Masturbation Horror Stories of the Week" to tell humiliating stories I'd come across online. They usually ended up with someone getting too horny and hungrily backing up into a door knob or getting "degloved" by vacuum cleaners and dieing. To elaborate, 2Girls1Cup is nothing compared to some smut that I've seen.

5. I used to play bass in a metal band.
I obviously love Electronic music but I cheat on it with METAL.. It's my other boyfriend. Yes, I piss and shit metal. I'm not afraid to get bloody at concerts and I live to thrash around in mosh pits. Death metal, Black metal, Speed Metal, Thrash Metal, Viking Metal, Doom Metal, etc. It all gives me a boner which is saying something.. because.. I'm a girl. From time to time I'll still pick up the beast and play but I really haven't had the time or the same passion I had before to get back into playing religiously. Want to show this girl a good time? Take me to a metal show. Want to get me in the sack? Take me to an all-day metal show with strong lead guitars screaming in my ears all day and make sure I'm covered in the vocalist's epic vomit by the end of the night.

6. My best friend says:
RiotMonster is a dildo-wielding, Pokeball-tossing, Koopa-killing machine whose gaming prowess is matched only by her sex appeal (hot female Mario much?). A connoisseur of all things gaming, she'll take your ass to school if you give her too much crap. This is one old-school vixen you definitely want to befriend. Got something disgusting/unique/interesting to share? She's seen it. 2395345 times. You don't ask Wikipedia, you ask her. We can hot. We can sexy. We can RiotMonster.

7. I'm the asshole Tea Bagger in Halo online multiplayer.
Only I should really call myself a Twat Squatter. "THE PRICE IS WRONG BITCH!!" I will drop my Spartan snatch on your face, grind like a coffee bean while howling like a monkey, donkey punch, then run off with your new shoes. I could be on a team of 10-year-old sniveling, drooling retards with zero kills and I WILL STILL DO IT!! I'll take several bullets while talking shit and taco-dropping your ass, too. I enjoy it. I FEED OFF OF IT!!! I won't stop.

8. I've had braces for 4+ years now.
Yeah, I should have probably gotten them taken out a year ago or maybe sometime this year. It's my own fault that I haven't. I'm incredibly lazy and never want to see the orthodontist so I always reschedule appointments and what not. HE'S LAZY TOO THOUGH!! >_> The fucked up thing is that I will probably have a retainer until I'm 20.

9. I won free video game schwag from the Slobs of Gaming.
Move over artists of Dtoid because RiotMonster is on her game!! ...Or... Not really. The contest was to create the worst Mario art ever and I won second place. It was pretty fun though and I got a couple of cool things from it so woohoo, win!!

10. I don't have my driver's license.
I was going to go to class and learn how to drive and what not when I was 15 years old, the normal age to do it. Then I met my boyfriend who was also going to learn to drive that year. Well, he did. I kept putting it off and putting it off and eventually when he got his license, we were always together so he always drove me everywhere. Now, I'm 19 years old and don't want to go to Driver's Ed with a bunch of freshmen from high school but I also don't have the time or patience to want to learn on my own and just take the driving test. Plus, no one I know has time to just take me to some parking lot and let me drive around in circles until I'm confident that I can do it with a state trooper. Luckily, my apartment is right across the street from the building I work in so I just walk to work but it really does suck STILL not having my license. I don't know when I will ever have the time to get it.

11. I have zero female friends in real life.
And boy, it sure pisses off my buddies that I have no slutty gal pals that they could have the chance to grope while drunk. Ever since I was a young lass, I've been seen as a tomboy. Through high school I was perceived as the weird, nerdy chick who never grew out of video games, Pokemon, Transformers, Ninja Turtles, comic books, ghost stories, cartoons, etc. I ended up only befriending and hanging with only guys. From running around an empty parking lot at midnight, smashing into each other in shopping carts to trying to out-chug each other on keg stands, my life has been a huge sausage fest. This is another main reason I love my Internets though; I can find other chicks, with my same background, that grew up with balls, enjoy slaughtering cuckoos and will still get giddy with me over a pair of hot, Iron Fist stilettos or hooker boots, drool with me over cute mini tutus and lurke the Internet screaming, "DO WANT!!1!" over furry leg warmers.

12. Bellydancing is my hobby.
I just recently picked up this hobby last year. Thanks to the magicalness that is Youtube, I learned to belly dance. It all started one night when I was bitching to a friend online about how I wanted to shed some pounds. I used to do aerobics in high school but ever since graduation, had become a complete sloth. After a few weeks of dancing, I realized I had fallen in love with it and began studying it's origins and watching Bollywood movies in my spare time. Working my abdominal muscles while feeling extremely sexy ftw.

13. I'm a Stoner.
This truly is something that not many people know about me. I'm not the type to run around with pot leaf shirts screaming "420!! Toke up!!" during early evening. I live for the times that me and a few friends lock ourselves up for a day passing around joints, only leaving to go on McDonalds runs. You wouldn't believe how delicious a McNugget can taste when under the influence. It will literally make you cry, so thankful that you have taste buds. I'm kind of a cliche stoner though; I'm lazy, stinky, always have the munchies and adore any movie that has Seth Rogan in it. Pass the bong please.

14. I throw bitchin' ass house parties.
It's true. There's at least two every week. I usually end up packing 20+ people together with the sole purpose to get them hammered. I have my own customer beer pong table and we bust this sucker out every night. We usually end up killing 30-packs left and right and race each other, chugging multiple beers through a double-hosed beer bong. My parties put 21-year-old frat boy parties to shame. Drunken SingStar karaoke, strip poker, cucumbers, hookers, party fouls, pretzels, Internet porn, keg-stands, bitch beer, pot, naked wrestling, froggy-style-humping and early morning regrets galore!! Can't wait until I'm 21. =]

15. The Nintendo 64 made me hardcore.
It was the first console that was just mine. It belonged to me and ME ONLY!! Unlike my previous consoles that were shared with a possessive older brother, this one was my baby. The N64 days are probably my golden age in gaming and the majority of titles on this console are still TOP favorites to this day. The very first game I toggled my joystick to was Mario Kart 64. From the upbeat music to getting bonked on the head by coconuts in Donkey Kong Jungle Parkway, I loved every second of it. This game is the reason I started despising Princess Toadstool. With her stupid, pink cart and her trash talking, bitchy voice that seemed to sound like she said "FUCK you!" as she passed by, I hated this whore. Super Mario 64, Diddy Kong Racing, Pilotwings 64, Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, Castlevania 64, Super Smash Brothers, Wave Race 64, Bomberman 64, Star Fox 64, Hey You Pikachu, Gex 64, Body Harvest, Snowboard Kids, Mischief Makers, WCW vs. NWO: World Tour, Conker's Bad Fur Day, Pokemon Snap, Rayman 2, Donkey Kong 64, Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards, Paper Mario, Rampage World Tour, Turok: Dinosaur Hunter, Yoshi's Story... I could go on and on for days talking about the amazing titles that this system had to offer.
My favorite series on the N64 is hands down, Banjo-Kazooie and Banjo-Tooie. I would wake up early, grab a Poptart and switch on the N64 to find a jiggy or save a Jinjo before school. Afterward, I 'd run home and spend more time with the bear and bird. Although my N64 does not start up anymore, thank goodness for the Virtual Console on the Nintendo Wii that allows me to play these games again. I just miss the days when my controller would be super heavy because of the attachable Rumble Pack and when using a Game Shark that was given to me made me feel like a bad ass hacker.   read

12:00 AM on 01.23.2009

Video Games Linked to Poor Relationships with Others?

I stumbled upon this news article earlier.

Here are some key points from this "study" that pissed me off:
---"It may be that young adults remove themselves from important social settings to play video games, or that people who already struggle with relationships are trying to find other ways to spend their time..."
---"The most striking part is that everything we found clustered around video game use is negative..."
---Statistical analyses also revealed that the more young adults play video games, the more frequent their involvement in risky behaviors like drinking and drug abuse.
---For young women, self-worth was low if their video game time was high.


Only 17% of college females play games, huh? That's why game usage among females jumped from 50 percent in 2006 to 57 percent in 2008? This rise in female gamers is being attributed to the increasing sales of the Nintendo DS and Wii. It's not hard to find casual gaming females or hardcore, avid gaming females in the video game industry these days. Everyone should know that.

Also, I find it absolutely hard to believe that avid gamers are not social. Excuuuuuuuse me Princess, if some of our parents don't even know how to set the time on a DVD player, much less pick up a video game controller. We spend more time playing video games because it's something we're passionate about and love to do. It's not the video games's fault that we'd rather play Guitar Hero via Xbox Live with our buddies instead of frolicking in the park with grandma or playing Scrabble with our little brothers.

Apparently, playing games every day is the work of the devil. After absuing drugs, I know I love making Miis. Also, don't forget to go shoot up your school and neglect your girlfriend. BECAUSE PLAYING LEFT 4 DEAD IS SO MUCH MORE FUN ALONE RIGHT?!

I was a bit offended by this article. What are your views on this?

[EDIT: Thanks to the Dtoiders out there helping me not make a completely fail blog]   read

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