How's it hanging nerdlings, geekettes, /b/asement-dwellers, stoners, web monkeys, indie devs, lurkers, trolls & industry fat cats?~
In case you don't know a lick about me, I joined Destructoid quite a few sunsets ago in the early Spring of 2008, when someone from the Internet kindly informed me that Destructoid would "eat your unborn babies". Having an insatiable taste for mucus-covered, unborn babies, I knew what I had to do. Plus, people were like "WHAT THE @#$% YOU TALKING BOUT MAN?!1! WE GOT XBOX AND PLAYSTATION BITCH NIGGAH!!1!" Naturally, I was in. Since then I lurke your forums, read your c-blawgs, listen to your podcasts and lul silently. Also, cocks.
!|[SEX DRUGS & PIXELS]|!
I've a soft spot for random acts of kindness, drawing, writing, bellydancing, raving, opening up mosh-pits, and not getting high but staying high. Like most people, I have a wide range of interests. I adore anything from goofy people, offensive jokes, zombie flicks, stand-up comedians, and mind-altering experiences, to comic books, sexual positivity, philosophy, mysteries, and general bizarreness.
Also, I'm a die-hard gamer and I have an animated eagerness for spilling pixelated blood and a never-ending appetite for slaughtering moving polygons. I like to think of myself as a fairly laid-back broad. I was born with a sarcastic mindset, dark sense of humor, and an uttermost weakness for impassioned babble sessions about any video game (8-bit to 1080p) to date. I may be unorganized, immature, and irresponsible but Iím the funnest chick youíll have the chance to get teamed up with on xbox live.
You might spot me at any olí keg party with my signature tangled hair, ripped Hello Kitty pajama pants, and a battle-worn shirt. The girl who's most likely flapping her tongue, detailing the last minute curb stomp in her freshest match, growling about big corporations and government conspiracies, exploring the concept of eccentric theories or geeking out about some other irrelevant crap. The girl who strives to learn something new every day and genuinely enjoys turning strangers into friends.
That pathetic excuse for the girl next door, is me. If Iím not your cup of tea, you can not imagine the immensity of the fuck I do not give.
Last bit!~ Honestly, if you ever happen to have a hankering to just chill, blast some good jams & relish in lighthearted, videogame-related, blood-spraying with me... Hit me up. Shoot me a message if you want to talk about anything at all really, I'm a bit of an open book and not a bad listener, if I do say so myself. And hey~ If you let me, Iíll cheerfully put a couple of spiffy dreadlocks in your hair.
!|[CONSOLE LOVE AFFAIR]|!
Nintendo DS Lite [Own]
Game Boy Original
Game Boy Color
Game Boy Advance SP
Sony PS2 Slim
Sony PS3 [Own]
Xbox 360 Elite
Xbox 360 Arcade
Xbox 360 Slim [Own]
This is my entry for Aborto Fetus's Swag Giveaway Contest that ends this Thursday (so, don't even bother). He started the contest in honor of the XBLA re-release of Marvel vs. Capcom 2 which is hands down, my FAVORITE fighting game ever. Speaking of, remind me to purchase it so I can partake in some FNF with the rest of you guys as soon as my account is no longer suspended... >_>
Anyway, I chose Spawn, Carnage and Pyramid Head for a lot of obvious and specific reasons. One of those reasons I picked them is because I've always been a little naughty at heart. Harley Quinn is my idol and I'd love to kill time and boredom like Bad Girl does. So knowing that, OF COURSE I would want a tag team of some of the most ruthless, violent (and just plain bad ass) guys around. I think that these three are THE Ultimate Tag Team around and it'd take massive firepower as well as a listening God to take all three of them down.
Spawn is possibly one of the coolest comic book characters ever in existence. That's just fact right there but believe it or not, I chose him for more than one reason. I picked him mainly because of his awesome suit. His shroud, spikes, chains, and skulls are all part of an organism bonded to his central nervous system that will protect him. A part of his physical powers actually come from his suit. He can transform the shroud into a battle axe to cut every one of his foe's limbs off with ease. The shroud itself is an effective offensive weapon that's able to strike in battle with extreme precision, severing limbs, and disarming enemies.
Spawn's vast magical powers are especially amazing, though. His body is composed of 450 pounds of Necroplasm which is what gives him superhuman strength and durability. When harmed, his internal organs magically re-appear when he regenerates his wounds kind of like Wolverine from X-Men. He's uses his abilities wisely, relying primarily on his suit's natural abilities or weapons rather than the magical abilities during combat. Spawn can also resurrect the dead, fire blasts of Necroplasmic energy at his enemies (HE WILL SHOOT YOU WITH LAZERZ!!), teleport, shift his shape, and cure the sick. He's practically immortal unless beheaded by a weapon of heaven AND GOOD LUCK FINDING ONE!!
Having the spawn of hell in MVC3 would be the shit because (like Jill) I could just sick a legion of corpses on enemies to take care of my light work. Then I'll chop off the limbs and shoot the rest.
Carnage was born for annihilating everything in his waking path. As a child, he pushed his grandmother down the stairs, tortured his dog and burnt down his orphanage. So, if you haven't noticed, he's kind of fucked in the head which makes him a perfect part of my Ultimate Tag Team. He's bloodthirsty and unstoppable. Carnage is way stronger than Spider Man and Venom combined. He can shape-shift, create weapons like knives and axes with his symbiote and insert crazy ideas into people's heads. He can crawl like Spider Man so he's just as agile and can kill and get away with ease. Also, he can regenerate when wounded and is immune to infection and disease. In your face, AIDS!!
Carnage even developed an immunity to the sonic booms that symbiotes are usually vulnerable to so that means you can't just ring a big ass Liberty bell to stop him. It's obvious why I picked Carnage; he is insane and just does whatever the hell he wants for the taste of blood. He kills mainly for his own pleasure, but also sees it as a form of art. And to put the icing on top of the morbid cake, Carnage is known for writing "Carnage Rules" on the walls with his victim's blood. Yeah, just try to stop him. Also also, don't forget, recruiting Carnage and having him on my good side also lets me use his army of psychopathic super villains including Shriek, Demogoblin, Carrion, and Doppelganger. Booyahhhh.
If he was in MVC3, he wouldn't even have a real moveset, you couldn't even control him, he would just strike on his own whenever the hell he felt like. That's how much of a bad ass he is.
If anyone who has played Silent Hill could describe Pyramid Head in one word, they would all say the same thing, "Baaaad." It just slips off the tongue. "Baaaaad" just happens to be the word that fits the most with Pyramid Head. He doesn't have to own a huge arsenal of weaponry to kill you, just one long sharp and fear-inducing knife to rip you apart. Pyramid Head murders his victims in extremely painful and violent manners both physically and mentally.
Don't deny that you're secretly jealous of the mannequins he constantly has his way with. Pyramid Head's sex appeal alone could be my only reason for picking him. Plus, you can't say "no" to Pyramid Head without having a gaping asshole that resembles bloody lunchmeat when you walk away. He is a vindictive murdering rapist with a demented mind and a slow swagger. Not to mention that it's Rape O' Clock all of the time on his watch so if you don't want to get brutally beaten AND RAPED, then don't fuck with my Ultimate Tag Team.
If Pyramid Head was in MVC3, he'd just stand there menacingly and get hit points. When he feels like it, he'll tackle his foe and butt rape would ensue. Afterwards, he'll just cut you.
So, those are my picks. The rules for the contest was that the entries had to include at least one video game character and at least one comic book character. I was thinking of taking the easy route and including Spider Man for his endless abilities or Master Chief because of his shooting skills and cool weapons but those guys are too predictable and to be honest, a little too boring for me. No offense to both because I do love them but I want people to FEAR my posse. These three are the epitome of "FEAR" and they are practically unstoppable. Plus...
What's more scarier than an axe in your skull, a dislocated jaw and the smell of rape? Nothing.
PS: This contest really let the comic book loving geek in me come out to play so I kind of nerdgasmed, deciding to make a couple of slideshows to tribute my Ultimate Tag Team. If you want, you can check them out. They're really not that interesting though lol.
The sun reflects brightly on the crystal clear lake in front of you. All you can hear are some Nightopians running through the open fields while others gaze lazily at the wonderfully aqua sky. Their tiny pink translucent wings flutter and their halos gleam as they glance over at you, in curiosity. Excited, you begin to explore, prancing through a path of glowing purple stalagmite crystals. Giant birds in colors you've never seen before fly above you and glowing fish in the oddest shapes swim nearby you. You've never seen something so beautiful. This is beyond the gateway of imagination, of reality. This is Nightopia.
Suddenly, you hear a whooshing sound and you turn around to come face to face with a mischievous-looking jester with large, sapphire, feline eyes and a half grin on it's face. You can't help but wonder what it's gender is but in a way, it doesn't matter at all. It's whatever you want it to be. It's levitating in front of you, playing what appears to be an invisible flute. It emits vibes of total and complete freedom. Before you can even blink, it grabs your hand and jets away leaving what appears to be some sort of "twinkle dust" in the midst. All that is imaginary helps it fly with us. It soars in loop-de-loops and breast strokes through the sky. With every glowing item and sparkling ring you fly through, music, of the equivalent of angels singing, plays through your eager ears. Breathing in the fresh air, feeling the wind against your hair, covered in exhilarated goosebumps and watching the dandelion fluff balls float down gently to the ground, you are perfectly serene. This is Nightopia.
Earth has no rules here. The trees and flowers will grow however they feel. Earth formations that have gone rebellious and insane are only found in Nightopia. Real life Mother Nature would be sorely disappointed. The color "green" is at it's purest definition in this haven. Skyscrapers and other buildings and structures that would appear man made at first glance, emit a magical resonance within them. They too, are shaped in magnificent ways that even the greatest architects in the real world would die to create.
For what only feels like hours, but is really seconds, you realize that anything is possible here. Persona masks can turn you into different things to enhance the dreamlike experience. In the last couple of seconds, you've already become a bobsled, boat, roller coaster, dragon, rocket and dolphin. Living a life of gliding, spiraling and looping through a variety of worlds such as Pure Valley, Delight City, Lost Park and Memory Forest would be ultimate. Flying through Spring Valley and Splash Garden, blasting through rings and gathering beautiful orbs could possibly be the key to happiness. What else is in store in this magical atmosphere?!
Right when you're thinking about how you'd never want to leave, a screeching noise rings through your ear drums. The most annoying and horrible sound in the world seems deafening. The constant maddening howl fills you with a pitiful sadness and anger. You've never been so disappointed in your life to know that this world isn't all that it seems... Then you realize it's your alarm clock.
Our escape from the world constantly remains in our minds. Nightopia symbolizes everything that you've ever wanted and never knew. Finding happiness is like finding yourself. Self-actualization is a process of discovering who you are, who you want to be and paving the way to happiness by doing what brings YOU the most meaning and contentment to your life over the long run. Finding happiness and enjoying life is everything that this world is about. In Nightopia, if you can dream it, you can live it.
So for this Monthly Musings, I was running through all sorts of ideas in my head about different video game universes that stood out to me. I contemplated talking about the Halo worlds or the Legend of Zelda realms but something didn't feel quite right. I told myself to try to remember the one place that I would absolutely LOVE to live in, to remember my thoughts as a child with great imagination and reminisce about what I wanted most out of life. Then, it finally hit me.
Well of course, I've always wanted to live in the Kanto Region.
No it's not like just any dog, this one shoots fire!!
Any person who has ever heard of Pokemon in their lifetimes will, most likely, only remember this particular region. It's home to the first set of Pokemon that stole our hearts. Those wonderful and most original Pokemon. The first one hundred and fifty one.
Even the most hardcore of Pokefans that have battled their way through Johto, Hoenn and Sinnoh have to admit that nothing beats dog fighting our pocket monsters on familiar soil such as Kanto's. The only bad folks we really had to worry about in this city would be the dim-witted Team Rocket. All they ever had were Meowths, Arboks and Wheezings. Pffft, nothing that would ever worry an experienced Pokemon handler like myself. Of course, there are plenty of other members of Team Rocket that are trying to take over the world... But if you ask me, leave all of that to the suits in charge. I'm just here to play with my Pokemon. Living in the Kanto Region meant living in simple times and life was just amazing.
No! Noooo, it's not just a bull, it can cause an Earthquake!!
What child doesn't want a companion to love and grow up with? Every one does. We all need that little sidekick to help us get through life. Luckily, I had several. Can you imagine waking up every morning with an Eevee nuzzling your face, waiting with eager eyes, for you to greet the brand new day? What about getting to school or work, riding on the back of a fierce Charizard? Have a bully that picks on you at school? Does he throw Weedles in your mashed potatos during lunch? Make him meet you afterschool and bring your Nidoking with you. See if wants to mess with you any more after he's suffering from Poison Sting. Our perceptions of "bad ass" would be insanely different than what it is today.
Living in Kanto means I get my pick of the best of the best Pokemon. I would not only have six though. I'd have one for every occasion. A great Pokemon to have would be Snorlax. I'd sleep on his belly during the Winter to keep warm. If I ever forgot to take out my garbage during the day, I'd let Snorlax gobble it down so I wouldn't have to go out past sunset. Who wants to deal with pesky Zubats on your day off? I know I don't. He'd be a warm bed and the perfect garbage disposal all in one.
Living in Kanto wouldn't always be so easy but I'd take every negative in stride. I don't mind having
annoying wild Butterfree ruffle my hair if I get to see wild Rapidash running freely through open fields. I will live with friends cow tipping wild Tauros and bragging my ears off if I get to snuggle my Vulpix every night. I'd have bags under my eyes and a twitch due to the Haunter who decided to live in my closet and stare at me with that wide grin but I'd have a giant Dragonite right outside my window, protecting me. Yes, I would have a freaking Dragonite. I'd dedicate my whole life to owning one of those. Who would need to pay electricity bills when you have a horde of Jolteons to generate your electricity. Gas bills? Forget about that outdated stove. That's what young Charmander is for. The positives definitely outweigh the negatives when it comes to living in Kanto and frankly, I would give anything for it to be real.
All I'd hope for is that people wouldn't buy and trade Jinxes for some sort of underground prostitution thing. I feel like PETA (Or I suppose PETP) would be all over that one.
I have always had an admiration for Greek Mythology and the history of different Greek Gods. I researched it in school and not a day would pass where I would wonder what it would be like to live in that sort of world.
What if I were to stumble upon the gates of Hades and be face-to-face with a snarling, teeth-baring Cerberus, the three-headed beast? Would I be a mere mortal or a legendary creature that was either feared or adored by all? How awesome of a world would it be to feed Minotaurs, have sex with Nymphs, ride Griffins and avoid Sirens like the present-day Detroit hooker? A world where you were sent out on missions to exterminate swarms of importunate Harpies, everpresent Undeads, sexy Gorgons and other creatures along the way. Of course, between all of the battling, have a traditional break for a quick threesome with two hot women.
I wanted to experience this world and I don't know about you but Disney's Hercules didn't quite do it for me. What did throw me into this wonderful, fabled universe was God of War.
I found myself in the greaves of Kratos, wielding the cursed Blades of Chaos, staring down the Undead who are ready to rip me limb from limb... If they are quick enough. Battling under a sky that burns obsidian black, I was forced to take out the walking skeletons by (button mashing) hacking and slashing them. After several dismembered spines and shattered skulls in only a matter of a few minutes, I was hooked on annihilation. Swinging the fiery blades around to slice up enemies is so much more fun than it sounds. The sound of the chains attached to the Blades, slamming into them is just exhilarating.
With the stench of blood and death filling my lungs and broken bones of the weak Undead underneath my feet, I made my way inside of the damaged ship to get some health. Just when I thought it was safe in the narrow corridor, I had the pleasant surprise of meeting with one of the many heads of the Hydra. The reptile-like monster screeches at me through teeth that are thicker than my torso and snaps at me like a five-hundred ton Pitbull.
I remember when I was first playing this I was thinking "No way I have to fight this thing so early in the game..." Then I noticed the boss health bar at the bottom of my screen...
Drastically, I swing my blades to strike the foe right in the face. Every enemy that dared to stand before me before was eradicated; Why should this Hydra be any different? The creature lets out another gutteral roar and snaps his jaw again. Too slow for Kratos. I jump out of his reach and bring the Blades down upon him again. The creature's eyes burn with primal hunger. Drenched in blood and gore from the fallen, I would be the perfect snack for him. I wouldn't let it go down like that.
Of course, not so early into the game.
One third of his life is gone and suddenly, boom, he drops his head. What's this, fierce Hydra, are you too weak to battle me? Just when I think this is my chance to lay some quick hard hits on the beast, a button combination appears. Taking what appears to be my only chance, I impale the mongrel's head and slam it into the side of the corridor. I continue to do it until the Hydra drops it's head again in defeat. Oh ho, but I'm not done with it just yet.
The gloriously green triangle button appears over the Hydras head and Kratos leaps onto his snout, raising both Blades of Chaos high above him and plummets them into the iris of the sea monster. He roars a pathetic sound of defeat and pulls his head away from Kratos in angered fear. He's not dead but I'll deal with him later.
God of War was the first game to throw quick button combinations at me to execute amazing ways to take down my enemies. I love this series to death and will never forget this first epic battle with, one of the nine, Hydra heads. This game really threw me into the action and made me feel all high and mighty early on. There was no ten minute tutorial on pulling off combos. I had to fend for myself and get the hell out of that damaged ship before I would be swimming with the fishes. Little did I know that there would be even bigger beasts that I had to annihilate later in the game (and in the series) but at that exact moment that I knew I had to fight the Hydra, I was scared, exhilarated and giddy to take it down. I was ready for the challenge and I succeeded.
4. Hilarious Front-Paged Articles.
The staff on this site are just genius. I go here when I want up-to-date news and hilarious viewpoints. The editors remain unbiased and have so much personality.
5. Promoted Community Blogs.
I love reading everybody's different views about video games and their life stories. It's amazing to get such a wide range on this site and it's not just the same blog over and over again from some different asshole.
6. The Forum Mods aren't dickheads.
Seriously, this is a big plus. Techn0phile is extremely dedicated but still knows how to NOT be a douche nozzel. That's highly admirable these days. All of the modulars are bad ass and not power-hungry. Yay!! The Forumers are my favorite part of Destructoid. You all own and I can't name every one of you because there's too many. Thanks for reeeeally making me feel home.
7. No Apparent Reason Parties.
These are pretty self-explanatory, I'm sure. I have yet to attend one but when I do, expect many, many dry humps and alcohol tasting kisses. I toooooootally hope I can make it to PAX 09 but it's just a money issue. Best b'lee if I had the cash, I'd be on the first plane from Texas to Seattle to see you folks.
8. It's become Home for so many lost souls.
The Community owns. It's no surprise that everywhere you turn, you'll see a story from someone stating they feel at home on this website. They met people at NARPs and felt like they've known them for years. It's gratifying. I wonder if the founders could have seen this coming when they first started Destructoid.
9. Niero's Dedication to the site.
It leaves you speechless and with a warm feeling in your heart.
10. The Community contains many "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" Fans.
This is just bad ass. I love you fuckers.
11. It's home to some of the best Artists on the underbelly of the Internet.
It's true. Look at the wallpapers. The Destructoid comic. The talent on this site is remarkable.
12. The Community really loves each other and cares for each other's Happiness.
13. The Community feeds the Trolls, only when it's lulzy.
There truly are soooo many more reasons to love Destructoid but I had to make this list short and sweet because I was already running late to work. Just know, you guys own so hard. This website kicks ass. I hope we can someday be IRL friends and share topsauce stories of awesome, trade pr0n and just play some fucking games. I'll bring the booze and cupcakes.
PS: I feel bad for whoever is the C-Blog Recapper for today. =/
Evan Patrick Bell was a 13 year old gamer who was sadly, killed by a malignant brain tumor recently, on February 6th. He will be missed but thanks to the Wolfson Children's Hospital, he will never be forgotten.
The hospital and supporters have exceeded their goal of raising $50,000 to build the hospital a game room named after the boy. Many organizations were put together such as Girl Scout events and fundraisers at St. Paul's Catholic Church and Mayport Middle School. There was an "Art at the Beach" event on Saturday and Sunday at the Courtyard Marriott in Jacksonville Beach, where artists agreed to donate part of their proceeds to the cause.
The new game room will honor Evan, who loved video games and played them before he died. Jacksonville News reports:
Wolfson met the boy and his family while Evan was being treated at the hospital and she wanted to help by starting the effort to name a new game room for Evan. The $50,000 goal was established last month, when the effort began and Wolfson wanted to raise the cash by Tuesday, Evan's 14th birthday.
It's heart warming to read about these sort of things. My thoughts go out to his family, it really is amazing that they are doing this in his honor. Now his passion for video games will never be forgotten and children who sadly, have to be at Wolfson Children's Hospital will have the Evan Patrick Bell Game Room to play in.