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The adventure of Tank Man
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Some believe that mystic legends where only in the past, that all natural magic in the world had been completely obliterated in the age of technology and science. While, those people are technically correct that as science and technology continue to prove the super natural as simply facts and not myth.
But alas the age of Legends is not over, but the only to the profile of my friends father's Xbox live account prove true that there would be a man that had the strength of a tank.
Chapter 1: Birth (optional music)
Tank Man was like any other human child at birth.
There is not much to say except that his father and mother were intimate and 8-9 months later he was born. And what a day it was, his father was checking the sex of Tank Man and the baby blissfully cried so loud after being confirmed that he was indeed male that the entire world crashed.
Literally the world could not withstand his awesomeness so it fell to pieces and needed to be restarted due to the shier force that Tank Man's baby voice brought.
Once back into the world Tank Man had forcefully restarted a second birth just for good measure.
This time the world was ready and no longer he broke the world with the amazing voice.
So obviously Tank man was commanding and had Sarge hair with the Chopper mustache.
And so the world asked Tank Man what skills we want:
Chapter 2 Early life
Tank Man lived a troubled early years, while he wanted to do studies and be like his father he felt that there was simply so much more that he could learn by going out in the world and smashing things.
However he did enjoy cake and shooting bbs at the roaches.
Chapter 3 the goat (If you have not stopped the music you should :3)
Tank Man did not want to take the GOAT and it took quite the conversation to get him to go to class. However in a last attempt in rebellion he did go to the GOAT wearing nothing but his underwear. However, everyone failed to notice how under-dressed he was and assumed that it was okay.
Tank man did not remember much from the GOAT except that a familiar tune played after he selected his root traits there was tune the universe screamed out.
Now as a man he was ready to move on.
Chapter 4 Father leaves with no warning
So Tank Man wakes up to find that his father is gone and goes on the epic quest of finding his father and returning to his true love Alamanda.
However he did not leave the vault without getting his fist bloody with victory. He wanted to stealth-fully make it out of the vault but due to scripted events... Either that or the creator forgot to sneak at the right moments and completely messed up not running out when the door first opened XD.
Chapter 5 Outcast from paradise
It did not take Tank man long to understand that he had iron fists and max melee skills, so using bullets was useless when it only took 4 hit combo to kill off smaller vermin.
Tank Man has a strong sense of justice, so when he first ran into a small town with a nuclear missile in the middle. He planed on staying there, as he loves living on the edge of death.
Meeting with the town sheriff he knew there was a bad dude in a bar that was so weak he was trying to blow up the town for 250caps. Tank Man did not have to to tell Lucas Simms he simply beat down the evil man and took all of his belongings without a questions.
Just doing what an average American citizen would do:
Cause honestly this town does not have a jail, and screw letting the dude kill Sims for his gun.
Chapter 6 Righteous Quests (Audio track please switch)
Tank Man got bored of Megaton fast because he was literally too dumb to fix anything and did not have the materials to do anything.
He knew he had to master his skills to do anything and started wondering the waist land.
First of all screw raiders, and thank them.
They sure know how to gang up on a man, but what they did not know is that Tank Man used the simulators and read Karate magazines all of his life and was on the same level of that of Bruce Lee. He never mentioned this to anyone because they surely would have locked him away for being too amazing and dangerous.
So once tank man was surrounded with 5 raider with assault rifles and full view of him, but they were no match for his agility and speed. In less than 3 hits he combo the whole group in less than a minute with 80% of his health left.
He left none a live, if they flee they flee to their death.
None were left alive.
Except that one guy that ran so fast that he died from falling off a cliff.
Chapter 7 (you may stop your audio for now)
Tank Man found his father in the second trip out in the waste land... So he paused the game and reloaded from an earlier state and completely forgot to go back.
Cause seriously forget him...
Instead raided a grocery store, because that is more important.
FOOD, honestly it take quite a lot of it to feed a titan like Tank Man. Even though he is basically a tank and can take 40 rounds of bullets in his gut and keep moving. But food is amazing.
Specifically Blamdco and Cheese, that made Tank Man Happy... and gave him radiation.
It really quite got annoying that raiders kept trying to kill him, which a few punches in the face and the occasional decapitation by punching kept them away.
Ham and Steaks, yum!!!
Chapter 8 poor John
After killing so many raiders and picking up their armor Tank Man needed to make multiple trips, however after quick traveling to the grocery-store again a pack of viscous dogs attacked a NPC in front of him as he was unable to save him in time.
Tank man killed all of the dogs in time and then looked through his things to go tell his family.
There was a key and a audio tape and it was identified that his name was John.
Tank Man mourned John's death and tried to find whatever he was trying to give to his friend in the junk yard but after pending thirty minutes and gave up....
Tank Man went to gray ditch to kill the freaks of nature, because there could only be one freak of nature... himself.
So he went around and killed all the flaming ants with his fist.
The queen's guards could not stand any chance, but at a high cost because Tank Man became a drug addicted and was suffering all the mighty effect to clear the town of such vermin.
Chapter 10 Valut 108 (change music please)
I do not think I have to point out what a beast Tank Man is but let me digress:
Gary 33: 1 punch
Gary 27: 1 punch
Gary 32: 1 punch
Gary 29: 1 punch
Gary 36: 1 punch
Gary 43: 1 punch
Gary 41: 1 punch
Gary 1: 1 punch
Gary 25: 1 punch
Seriously screw Gary 47........................................................................
It took 2 punches...
Chapter 10 Downtown (change music again please)
By this time Tank Man has leveled a lot, and literally cannot be gunned down by super mutants with mini-guns and rocket launchers.
So he took the opportunity to unite his enemies with the pain of his fist in their face.
At some point I felt sorry for all the mercenaries, raiders, and super mutants because there literally not much they could do to stop Tank Man.
Literally, every foe quaked in their boots cause they could not stand Tank Man.
Man did he stroll...
And make it all the way to Lincoln Memorial to help out the slaves regain their identity?
Nah, he just wanted to kick some slaver @$$.
Chapter 11 Friends and glitches
Tank Man made friends with one of the super mutants and completely respects him.
There was several times where Tank Man just broke the game:
And there was several times the game broke itself... Tank Man was very displeased that he could not play the game for an entire week due to the fact the DRM needed an internet connection to let him use the saves on his computer...
Is this really the end? No but there is nothing more to tell right now.
It was fun but boy did we over look things back in the day. It seems for everything that goes right in this game there is at least 12 game crashing errors I ran into in the 20 days I was able to play the game... so 60% of the time I had technical difficulties that literally have been there since release...
Maybe I am spoiled in that I use Valve products a lot and they fix up their older games regardless of the fact if people want them fixed.
But most of them fans online had fixes to make it work but in the end it just really confused me on why they could have not taken the week or day it patch the master copy instead of causing people to do so much manual labor... for a game that crashes a lot.
I love this engine, but it will crash at any moment. So I saved a lot and I saved often. Even then there was some times where I had to redo ten minutes of progress and it was not fun.
GFWL... this must be removed from the source code, there is no reason for it to be there.
Oh yeah and I could have played it a week more but my internet went down and apparently your saves get swapped out when the DRM does not get the okay sign... There is an easy fix but honestly it has been too long for the DRM to mean anything.
So as much as I enjoyed this game the lack of support and other stuff really killed it for me. I wished Bethesda will think about actually supporting their games post launch... cause in so many ways this is beyond pathetic. Especially if you wanted to sell me on Fallout 4, this just seems sloppy...
But if you can get past all the technical issues this game has there is a lot of fun to be had!
Thanks for reading!!!
I must apologize if this video is too artistic and somewhat creepy, here is another video if you need to cleanse your ears.
To be honest I was not looking forward to this post. There is simply more than Nine people on the site that I really enjoy. All of these are community members I really liked. I would love to write a whole piece on the amazing staff that works hard to keep this site working, just know I have not forgotten you!!! I just though it would be nice to highlight some people I enjoyed talking with. This list is probably as of recent as I have been on this site for eons and I ahv eme
9) BennyDisco - I feel bad because I was in Ohio the whole time last year... could have bought him a sandwich... or a big mac.
8) Pixelated Cloud - You are following me, which I really appreciate. I hope you are doing well!
7)Hyper Lemon Buster Cannon - I connected with you in our shared likes of Mega Man and the supreme disapointment in Capcom.
6) The Scholarly Gamer - Just a really up beat person that like to have fun and write about video games. Also has an addiction to pre-ordering game XD
5) Luck Required - What can I say? I just had a lot of fun talking with you on the C-blogs! Knew you had to be cool when you created your own encyclopedia for C-bloging, and that God Hand post :D
4) Nanashi - It was really cool seeing you on the blogs and helping encouraging you to continue :)
3) LongJohn - I really do not know what to say? I though you had left when you changed your picture and I was very sad for a month thinking about the cool guy that I had some really meaningful discussions with.
2) Occams - What is there not to say? I think there has not been one topic that you have not discussed on this website and it is wonderful! I really enjoyed your humor and I am very glad that you are the community manager.
1) _______________________________________________________________ - I hate to miss anyone, and I know for sure that there were times where I had hoped that I had made a big enough impact on the community to make it onto other people's lists. That is why I saved the #1 spot for the people I have not listed, because I think this community as a whole is neat.
So please do not take offense that you were not on the list, if you want you can print this out and write your name in, it is intentionally left blank :)
Well I think that would have been the most asinine thing I have yet to say given 3-4 years ago. However there was a brief moment in time when I was able to be a Social Justice Warrior and it was actually quite a lot of fun... actually arguably the most fun I ever had on Destructoid in a while.
Now I am not one of those people claiming that I do things for the greater good, and I certainly cannot say that I am very politically or socially acceptable. But I do enjoy trolling people that are blatantly in the wrong on occasion. Of course I always assumed that people that Troll or SJW were just fanatics with no good sense of humor... as I spent many years of my youth being scourged with antics from a TV show that everyone related my name with. So I just blatantly made sure that I would never treat another person the way I felt.
However I soon found out that trolling was lots of fun and in the right context could provide really good feedback to a person that is out of line. For instance in my high school English class there was one guy who was the clown of the class room and would act dumb for laughs. However one day some one was going out of their way to tell him how stupid he was, and it just really did not sit well with me at all.
Luckily, being the quite and observant person I am I remembered that just a week before I caught that person sleeping on their backpack with drool covering it. (I said nothing then)
I informed that person that they should think twice about calling someone dumb when they cannot retrain themselves enough to not drool all over their back pack. That felt really good for a lot of reasons, mainly because that stopped them from their irrational tangent and got the class back into order.
I never really had a good opportunity to do social justice again until a year ago when Chris Carter posted his review of: The Legend of Zelda: A link Between Worlds.
That was quite possibly the most fun I have ever had on Destructoid as that one article had a trifecta of popularity: 3DS was hurting for good games, Zelda game with a bad review, and the beginning of Gamer's Gate popularity.
I tried to hold myself back when people were saying that he was bias, I tried to hold myself back when I did no know when the game was out, I tried so hard not to say anything but once I had figured out that the game was not even out yet in Japan and that most of the people were flooding in because Destructoid was the only website not to give a 9+ I knew that most of the people were talking total BS.
I will go to say on many occasions sarcasm went over my head and I went too far but I had a lot of fun trolling the unsuspecting commenters that thought they were the ones being sneaky in creating accounts the day of and talking like they owned the place.
I also got antiquated by the other trolls or SJW of Destructoid, and I really started to get involved and feeling like I was a part of the community in trying to keep the flood gates of angry fans from over taking the comment sections.
I cannot quite describe the pure bliss when you know you are right when you tell someone to shut up. It only happens once in a blue moon but boy when it does it is really quite the more rewarding thing. Though after souring the page for 3 days I called it quits (just too tired to keep up XD) Like anything though Social Justice and Trolling can get out of hand, but as long as your ready to admit it when you were wrong there is a lot of cool options that open up.
Oh I love a good TF2 Trolling :D
Like this person trolling kid playing a game that is rated M, normally I would not be cool with people trolling like that but it is pretty funny that they are too dumb to make their own private server... but I guess that is what happens when you play a game that you are too young to be playing and don't quite understand everything.
But I do enjoy a good trolling every now and then and I am sure the comments will be filled with cactaur... half of it will be my own doing :3
Its just so insulting I had to write about it. Most people ignore it, cause its not a big deal to them...
I just read Robert Summa's post on the Battlefield Hardlines open beta, and I have to say that after watching the "beta" trailer I was completely appalled by the video.
I had assumed that the team would have put together a better trailer as it seems Battlefield 4 was basically in beta for the first year and half of its shelf-life. Only now can my friends really say they are starting to enjoy Battlefield 4 as most of the bugs are now finally getting removed and they can focus on playing the game at a higher level.
I do not know who or what Electronic Arts marketing committee was thinking... But then again it was probably the same team that released a teaser trailer with no actual game-play footage.
Maybe I read to much into this as I studied film and media, and hoping to get a job in that field, but it really comes off to me that they assume that their costumers that want to be in beta will never have played a Battlefield game. I know that might not be the biggest thing for most people, but when you step back and look at the type of game that they are making it really is a huge slap in the face for their consumers. I am really surprised that the community has not taken offense by this as it is beyond reprehensible.
But all in all this is just part of a disturbing trend in video games
I am all for marketing game to new people from different walks of life. Its just incredibly offensive when I see a game that is strictly build for a more mature mindset by being more edgy with the language and have somewhat questionable material in it, and on the other hand they have fluff statements that could have been edited out of the trailer.
What I mean by fluff, is a statement that literally has no meaning or does not add value to the content that it is in. I see these all the time in news, politics, and sometimes on the radio. But they just take up space, and for the person that says them they are warm and fuzzy cause they help them feel good about having something to say. But for everyone else it basically comes out to this:
A lot of the information in the trailer is literally a re-cap of information that is not completely unique to the game... Did they really need to say it would have vehicles built for urban environment? Or that there would be mussel cars and motorcycles? That it is high speed? Fast game-play?
"Hardlines new rides accelerate the action"
"nitrous powered stunt vehicle"
It would not be as bad as if there were not some glimpse of good writing. They start talking about 30 new gadgets and weapons and talk about the compressed gas launch grappling hook... but all they could say about it was:
"Which can change the dynamic of any engagement"
You have this item that from an idea standpoint is really really really cool, but to have a voice over that does not even brush the usefulness of the item in a trailer that was meant to cover features
"Frenetic high stakes rescue mode" (2:48)
Yep that is the real name for a mode that will be going head to head with Counter Strike.
But these problems do not stick to just video game trailers. I think the most glaring infraction of these smaller issues is in-game tutorials that are meant for Teenagers +. Yeah I guess most adults assume teenagers are dumb because they act all emotional and stuff, but technically they know a whole lot heck of a lot more than they simply let on to.
Maybe I am just too old to really appreciate the fact that over 1/4 of my screen is covered with GUI that simply tells you the controls of a game, that sometimes developers make it so you have to look at the controls during loading screens, or that developers sometimes completely stop a single player experience just to bring up a wall of text that really does not do the game justice...
Once again its not that I have a problem with games taking the time to teach people controls and providing information that might be useful. But when the game is about blowing other people's heads off and all sorts of mature content I have to question why they even need to bother putting it there.
Which is why I really appreciated gaming back in the day because they did not go out of their way to insult the intelligence of the people playing, or at least they did not go crazy enough to make you sit through hours of tutorial dialogue.
It disturbs me that they are making these "adult/mature" titles so accessible that even kids can play them...
Well I guess there is no denying it, I am old. Not as old as other people, but not young enough to catch up with the hip new trends in life. It kinda is frightening to think that there already has been 4-5 generations of gamers that have fully grown up since I left the "prime" but then again I was still suffering from sleep apnea, so I am even father behind than what I originally though.
Not to say that I was slow to enjoy online gaming, slow to struggle with the masses on League of Legends in that first season, or slow to enjoy the latest titles that are available to offer. Just in that I was slow to really truly enjoy what the last generation could offer me. Being that one of those things was in game achievements.
I try to keep up :)
From a very traditional perspective and to be absurdity as least demeaning to myself I will say that it was beyond hard for me to fathom what exactly achievements or Xbox live gold did to enrich video game experience.
Literally all that happens is that a text box pops up and confirms actions you already did.
Which contextually is the most stupid waste of system processing, let alone interrupting a great video game experience with a small noise and a confirmation of something happening...
Achevements, what is it good for?
IT WAS SACRILEGE
How dare developers make these stupid concession!!! How is this suppose to appease my adult mind???
All it did was made me wish I could turn them off. So I did the most logical thing I could do which was ignore them as much as I could. I mean they were only a fad in early 2006, where was no way they were going to stay once people recognized that they were more of a nuisance than anything else. Surely that was right?
Some developers literally made ones for each level of the game.
Others made one for starting their games.
A few developers made one for pausing the game.
One for quitting the game.
My generation both tried to kill and accept achievements before they could do more harm. But in the end all we got was a few flash games that only taught people more of the enjoyment of getting the achievements.
But it was not until today, after my JRPG fast had ended and I restarted Xenoblade Chronicles as my saves were over written from a previous file. I finally understood what achievements are good for.
Which is really stupid that I had forgotten something so small, something that I had forgotten which had made me much more grumpy of a person than what I would care to say. But it was in the miniscule thing that I learned that it was possible to be happy about.
Or to be more plain: It is to take time to celebrate the little things.
Just a small simple notion has not dramatically changed my life, nor made me a better person. But I really am starting to like accomplishing smaller tasks. Which is the weirdest thing is that the motivation is from my recent playings of Contra Hard Corps with a friend.
As instead of planning to beat the game we set smaller goals like: getting to a new level, or defeating a boss.
It was those smaller goals that made us enjoy dying thousands of times because the goal was no longer to beat the whole game. Only a small portion of it. Which with practice and memorization of boss attack animations we already have made it to 3 different endings in the game and are planing to get two more.
But the achievements are their like a note from the developer directly to you to celebrate and push you forward to victory like a good friend :D
Though there is are really good achievements: Like the ones that have really witty titles and a summery sentence that provides more information about the game.
Then there are really bad ones: Where the title and the action are 1:1 and that is it. Just felt like something slapped on for the sake of having it.
I think the problem was that I was constantly getting games with slapped on achievements. Which is okay, but like anything else in a video game should be bent to creating a better experience than just be be there.
On the twelveth day of Christ-NES my true love gave to me:
I am not going to lie, I am pretty much upset that Scot Pilgrim's creator spilled over the entire world about this game. Before the movie it had always been on my "when I have money I am buying X."
After the movie came out, the price more than tripled. So I pretty much actively searching Ebay for a month and bought a copy for $30...
Pretty interesting game, not that I should say it is amazing and balanced but for what it did on the NES was impressive. Taking the systems brought by Friday Night the Thirteenth and bringing it to an action adventure platformer and you pretty much indefinitely had some form of success to be had.
Pretty solid game, and the FINAL game I am going to review for a while.
Hope you had a great holiday and are having a great start of 2015 :D
Oh here is links to the rest if you missed them:
Day Twelve <--- lol its here XD