If I know you, you're just sick and tired of reading all these professional reviews of boring, relevant games that come out practically every day. You ask yourself, where are the reviews I care about? Well rest easy friends, because I'm here to help. More importantly, Renegade's Random Review Theater is here to help.

Today's subject is an important, genre-defining masturbatory aid that has gotten the shaft from the Western gaming community. A game that takes an incredible amount of perverse pleasure in making you feel like a dirty, disgusting human being, and before too long, asks you to take a seat.

Right over there.

Today's review is the Japanese jailbait touchy-touchy simulator, Gal*Gun.



Gal*Gun starts off innocently enough, with a story that we can truly all relate to. As a young, lonely boy in high school, you realize you're horribly unattractive and will never, ever get a date, even with that really desperate one. You know the one I mean. You decide that your life is essentially over, and pretty much give up.

The end.

But then one day, a half naked 12 year old angel visits you, apparently sympathizing with your plight, but unable to 'help' because she isn't 13 yet. She bestows upon you the power to get your one true love, but, being a 12 year old clutz, instead makes you attractive to everyone in the all-girl school that you are inexplicably creeping around in. Because Japan has morals this presents a problem, so, of course, there is a solution.

You are given a diminutive pistol that has the ability to shoot your pheromones all over the place. And seriously, I mean all over the place, even in the classroom.

And so, the quest for true love begins. Armed with an infinite supply of male jellymones and a strong conscience, you set out to cover all the girls in your pheromones so you can get to that special girl and cover her in your pheromones. It's a classic tale dating as far back as Leonardo D. Caprio's portrayal of Romeo in the classic Shakespearean play.



The gameplay is simple, you move a cursor on screen, either using the vibrating Dualyshocker controller or the appropriately phallic Playstation Move. As a purist, I actually recommend using the Move, as it greatly adds to the immersion factor. The game essentially plays like a light gun shooter, except for the majority of the game, you're firing blanks.

You can instantly satisfy a lady, as in real life, by shooting her in the crotch, or other sexy regions, which will help you 'clear a room' much faster. When you build up enough points, or something, you can opt to take one of the girls (which, remember, you don't love and want nothing to do with) into a special touchy love mode. This allows you to basically [censored] the girl until she just can't take any more and submits to your manliness.

This has the added benefit of swaying every girl in the room, as your prominent display shows everyone that they clearly can't handle your man handle. But it's not all kittens and rainbows, because more are waiting right around the corner, so strategic use of your male dominance is key to survival. Or something.

This is also where the Move really shines, as this mode allows you to waggle the controller in real time to help you in your goal.



Because you are scored on each level, there is definitely rapelay value to be had. Beyond trying for better scores, you can also try to swoon several different girls throughout the school. They each have unique dialog, interesting personalities, and are definitely special for their brains, and stuff. Each also has a unique mini game attached to them, from playing guitar to being abducted by tentacle monsters, so you'll maybe never get bored.

Graphically, Gal*Gun really shines. Environments are bland, feature blurry textures and look ported from a Playstation 2 game. But the onslaught of teenage girls are rendered with extreme attention to detail, each featuring different outfits and underwear, all of which can be customized to your 'heart's' content. The game also features dialog from several actual Japanese people, which is a plus.

Of special mention is the game's pause screen. Knowing that federal agents could raid your home at any moment, Gal*Gun smartly camouflages it's pause menu as an old 8-bit arcade game, thus absolving you of any wrong doing until the Start button is hit again. It also works equally well if your significant other walks in the room ans asks why you spend all your time playing video games. Never before has a game truly had this much attention to detail.



So in the end, if that's what you're into, Gal*Gun is one of those games. One of those games that is a game, with those things I mentioned. It sits on a shelf, hoping no one will notice it, and if they do, then suddenly everyone starts to feel ashamed. They ask what it is, and you don't have a response, instead choosing to argue that you bought it for the dialog and deep gameplay.

Is it right for you? If you said no, then you're likely a thriving individual with lots of friends and a happy relationship. Good for you.

If you answered yes, then you might want to have a seat.

Right next to me.

This embarassing review is based on the PS3 version which is region free. The game is also available and equally shame inducing on Xbox 360.

If I know you, you're just sick and tired of reading all these professional reviews of boring,relevant games that come out practically every day. You ask yourself, where are the reviews I care about? Well rest easy friends, because I'm here to help. More importantly, Renegade's Random Review Theater is here to help.

Today's game is an important, genre defining experience that has flown completely under the radar. Oh, did I mention it's an airplane game? Because that's important for that joke to work. It's a game that steers clear of the Danger Zone and instead flies straight into the Twilight Zone, a game that, you might say, is on bingo fuel.

Today, I'll be reviewing the underdog Wii game known as Hyper Fighters.



To get a basic idea of what Hyper Fighters is, just imagine Afterburner mixed with Sin & Punishment or Star Fox and then stick it in the microwave for three hours until the whole thing is a giant, bubbling mess and cover it in cheese. If you thought most air combat games were just too exciting, then Hyper Fighters is the game for you.

Let's begin with the game's gleefully terrible story. You are a pilot, named John X, who flies one of three airplanes known cleverly as Hyper Fighter X, Hyper Fighter XX and Hyper Fighter XXX. After visiting a local pub with his brother, Jake X returned from the restroom to find his brother John X abducted by their sworn enemies, The Company. Since Jake X is the only remaining person in the world who can fly the only planes left in the world, it's up to him to stop The Company from an unknown plotline and save his brother.

I can't make this shit up.

Once you pick one of the three planes, which are balanced for speed, firepower or rounded for both, you jump into one of several missions prefaced by wonderfully awful briefings such as "Our scouts detect weapons being transported through this area, this could lead to trouble." You are then thrust into the mission with no further explanation as to how you got there, and why exactly you're following orders from an unknown, presumably government entity while on a revenge quest in a plane owned by your brother.

The controls in Hyper Fighters share more in common with a first person shooter; despite the fact that you're flying an aircraft you move with the nunchuck stick and fire by pointing at the screen and pressing the B button using a nose mounted machine gun that can mysteriously shoot in any conceivable angle. While you are free to move the plane and do a barrel roll, you are restricted by forced camera angles as to how far you can move.

Enemies, however, have no such restriction, and will happily fire at you while they are off screen meaning, a) You can't shoot them back and b) You can't see the projectiles to dodge them. But at least the planes go down easily, one hit will usually bring them down, and you have a stock of homing missiles which you can replenish while flying for a point deduction. This is all assuming you can tell the difference between an enemy, projectile and the scenery, since they all look suspiciously similar to piles of dirt.



At the end of each stage you'll get to fight a boss, which is usually some kind of impractical flying fortress that apparently sapped The Company's budget because their regular fighters are clearly made of cardboard and thumbtacks. These bosses require intricate strategies to defeat such as dodging constantly and firing missiles, with an occasional burst of your machine gun that, by the way, overheats in about 10 seconds.

Once defeated, you'll watch the flying whatever explode, and then it's off to your next seemingly random location to do it all over again. This would sound a lot more tedious if each level weren't only a few minutes long, which is almost like the game admitting how little effort was put into it.

The graphics on display here are actually pretty great for a Dreamcast launch title. In fact, everything here is pretty good for a Dreamcast launch title. Unfortunately, this game wouldn't play in my Dreamcast, so I had to use my Wii where everything becomes much less impressive. Textures look like mud, the airplanes all have an odd shine to them until they become damaged and smoke (which conveniently, also looks like mud) obscures everything. Scenery, while looking slightly less like mud, isn't helped by the fact that most stages take place in areas dominated by mud and water.

Sound plays an important part here as well, with stock sound effects and music that could have easily been pulled from Flashkit.com. While it isn't unbearable, I found the experience to be more accurate and authentic by muting the TV and making woosh and explosion sounds with my mouth, occasionally throwing in some pew's for good measure. This method also allows you to blare 'Danger Zone' in the background, thus making the entirety of the game much more compelling.



I'd like to say it's hard to hate on Hyper Fighters. It's a small game made by a small group of people who were frankly lucky to have any publisher release their game on anything, let alone a major console. I'm not sure how exactly they pitched this to ZOO, but I have a feeling that none of it was accurate. If playing this game is equivalent to sitting in a cockpit of an airplane, then I'd be grasping at the eject handle desperately, except it doesn't work.

There is one guy in the credits who's name is repeated about 10 times or more throughout the course of the credits, not because he's egotistical, but because he literally was the 'head' everything. From graphics to sound to marketing, it's the same exact handful of people that would have been easier to include under the header of 'everything.' But if these guys were actual pilots, there's a good chance they would have been shot down by their own wingmen.

But underneath this travesty of a game is the simple joy of laughing at something so abysmally lazy, boring and cheesily uninspired, that it almost threatens to be entertaining. Had it any redeeming qualities beyond that, it would threaten to be a collector's item too, eBay had only a handful on sale and no Gamestop in my state had a single copy. Even Counter Force couldn't say that.

You can find Hyper Fighters and other quality titles in a participating Target used game section.

That's right. What if the companies that make or publish our games decided to make carbonated beverages? What if all the things we love or hate about our industry were now applied to delicious soda pops and juice drinks? Move over Coca Cola, one of these companies could be the new king of sugary refreshment.



Activision Carbonated Drink Experience

Activision has made millions on their most revered franchise, Call of Duty but coming soon there will be a whole new level of refreshment available. That's right, Call of Cola, a new cola flavored drink will soon be available for purchase! Customers can buy a 24 pack at a reasonable price, and further 12 packs must be purchased for $14.99 each. To supplement this, Call of Cola will release a new flavor each year in fun flavors such as cherry cola, vanilla cola and a cola with twice the sugar of the original flavor to help you be more extreme in your daily life.

Capcom Carbonated

Capcom is well known for their franchises, the most recent being Street Fighter and several offshoots of it. But soon you will be able to purchase Capcom's newest creation, Capcomune, a light fizzy drink in a wonderful 'plain' flavor. Customers can purchase the plain flavored soda, then purchase 99 cent individual flavor packets for each bottle to enhance the experience that is Capcomune. Capcom will also sell packages containing certain flavor sets for a discounted price at a later date. In addition to this, Capcom will sell bottle skins to change the color of each bottle to any number of wonderful hues.

Electronic Beverage Arts

Electronic Arts may be famous for their games, such as Dead Space, but they are now entering the soda market. Designed to supplement their games, each drink offers it's own flavor combination in exciting flavors such as Berry Red Space, BattleLemon-Line, and Mass Grapeffect. Every drink will come with a code imprinted on the cap that must be entered on the EA website to avoid a $1.99 additional charge. That code will link to an EA account (required) which will then allow the customer to finalize the code entry through Origin (required) to negate the fee.

Namco Specialized Refreshment

Namco will offer a single flavor of soda which will rotate every other year. Each soda will offer a delicious flavor and be sold in special edition bottles each themed with a popular Namco game such as Idolm@ster and Riiiidge Racer. Each bottle will retail for considerably more than competing soda brands and contain less soda, but Namco says that it makes up for this with it's flashy bottles. Think of how cool you will look with one in your hand!

Ubisoftdrinks

Ubisoftdrinks is the company's first foray into beverages, and it's coming with a bang. Among the debut flavors are favorites such as Assassin's Cherry, FarCran-Apple, and Splinter Cell: Code Orange. Each drink will be linked with the consumers uDrink account to reward them with a different collectable cap for each drink. Every Ubisoftdrink dealer must adhere to strict rules and only allow the customer to enjoy their soda within a 10 foot radius of the counter to ensure they do not share any with a friend or sell the soda illegally without Ubisoftdrink consent.

Konami Bottling Company

Konami Bottling Company is a brand new branch of the company headed exclusively by Hideo Kojima, the great mind behind the classic Metal Gear Solid series. The first flavor of soda introduced by the company will feature a traditional cola flavor, but wait, now it's cherry flavored. And hold on! Now the soda has changed to a wonderful orange sensation. Every sip of Konamicola will be a different twist of flavor, by the end of the bottle you won't have any idea what's going on with so much flavor assaulting your taste buds.

SEGA SODA

SEGA SODA will introduce the world's most popular flavor, then abandon support and focus on a stale blue raspberry flavor which they will market primarily on nostalgia.



So what do you say? If you're super excited for these drinks like I am, then write your company of choice and let them know. Ditch that boring old Pepsi for something new! And then use the energy to yell at everyone else about how their choice of drink is wrong!

Full Disclosure: I have no idea what the hell I just wrote.

Modurn Warfairz has always been a hit among crazy people who like to shoot other, equally crazy people. But as we all know, first person shooters are dumb and stupid and only played by racist 10 year old kids who stole their parent's credit cards to buy the game. But what if it was never a shooting game at all? What if that brilliant idea had been killed and replaced with one much worse, like that movie about the dream people?

What if they took the premise of saving the world, Russians, and plot holes and turned it into a dance game?



Instead of fighting the enemy with guns alone, the military now turns to the power of dance to defeat the evil brown people and push them back to whatever unpronounceable country they came from. Instead of predator missiles and AC 130's, you now have specialized dance moves designed to brutally serve the enemy into submission. Of course, the enemy will always try to serve back.

Playing as the happy folk of the Modurn Warfairz games, you will dance to the beat and gain points to level up your character and gain new outfits, dance moves and pictures to show everyone how super 1337 good you are at the game. When you reach max level, you can Presscheese, losing your upgrades but adding a special cheese related song each time you do, as well as receiving a gold pair of underpants for your in game character to wear.

You'll face a variety of bad guys, including Makaroni, whom you will have to hone your skills to perfection in order to beat. You can call in backup Delta Dancers for support, or, if you're really good, drop a tactical nuke and win by destroying yourself and everything around you. Once you beat all the bad guys, the world will be saved until the sequel comes out!



And once you've mastered every song, get ready for multiple DLC packs coming soon! Every pack will have 3 themed songs for you to test your Rhythm Warfare skillz to. You can also face other Rhythm Warriors in deadly combat over Xbox Live and use Kinect to automatically capture pictures of your face and/or genitals and upload them directly to your opponents!

The first hardcore-shooter-themed-dance-style-mature-multiplayer Kinect game arrives this summer! Preorder now!

Fellow DToiders, it has been a long time coming, but today marks a special day in my life. Not special like K, or special like me, but special in a much more tangible way. I'd like to share something with you today, which may or may not be relevant to your interests. Something that would make even the most complete collector jealous.

Even Funktastic.

Many of you may be familiar with my first real blog, Modurn Warfairz Teaches You Things. Little did you know, it was a rousing success, and might very well be a worldwide phenomenon. At least in my head. So I decided to partner with Microsoft to bring you guys something truly special.

Ladies and Gentlemen...and I guess transvestites too, I present the Destructoid Edition Modurn Warfairz 2 Limited Edition Xbox 360 Console.



This defective console has been lovingly embellished in genuine Sharpie marker with many of the iconic figures from Modurn Warfairz 2. The console comes with no hard drive, and is RROD'd right out of the box. Of course, this would matter if cords were included, which they are not. (Special Edition MW2 cords are being released soon!)



The main side features a stunning rendition of MW2's infamous Predator missile with his trademark smirk, along with several characters that have no real relation to anything! In fact, every bit of art featured on this console has absolutely no coherence at all. Sweet, right?



The opposite side of the unit features everyone's other favorite star, the AC130. Incorporating a modern Facebook design, this side really gets you closer to the AC130. You can even friend him, check out the buttons I drew! In addition to this, there are also several DToid avatars featured below. Yep, you guys might be on here!



And we come to the front, mimicking the popular MW2 design, it includes several words and numbers that you may or may not understand. Neat! It's also got some other stuff too, but you can check that out later.

This special edition console is super limited, only 1 will ever exist in the entire world. Forget the fact that it doesn't work. Who needs a working system when you can have such class and elegance right in your own living room? Guaranteed to spice up any room or your money back.

How can you get one? I'm not sure yet. As it stands, this has been priced at a value of $1,500.00, plus I'm also using it as a makeshift table thing. But after spending a painstaking 20 minutes creating it, I feel the need to share it with you guys.

I'm also currently accepting bribes.

As you may or may not know, I threw a party this weekend for some of my closest friends. I invited several people, among them was Sam Fisher, whom I have known for some time. Now Sam has been quite unstable lately, but the doctors and his family assured me he would benefit from being at the party and having fun with other people. So I sent him an invite, and he promptly RSVP'ed.

Let's just say, that was kind of a mistake. What follows is an illustrated documentation of my interactions with Sam this weekend.

Sam arrived exactly at 8 o' clock, to the second, and I showed him around my place. He was pretty quiet and not communicating well with the other guests, so I tried to get him involved in the party. I started out simple by asking Sam to help gather a few things for the party. First on the list was the cheese and crackers I had waiting in the kitchen.



After the incident I was convinced asking Sam to help with the party was a bad move, but I noticed he left the kitchen lights on, a huge pet peeve of mine. "I'm trying to save on electricity, Sam, and you need to turn the lights off when you're done using them." I felt bad scolding him, but it needed to be said. So he went back into the kitchen to rectify his mistake.



When I realized Sam had taken my request far too literally, I quickly realized that I shouldn't ask Sam to do anything helpful. Instead I tried to get him involved in some of the bitchin' party games I had planned. If you didn't know, I'm a regional hide and seek champion, so I had a huge tournament planned for that night. I was also hoping this might get Sam into the party spirit, since hiding is kind of his thing.



Turns out, hiding isn't his only thing. Apparently Sam couldn't shake his Third Echelon ways for more than a few minutes before snapping right back. Instead of hiding, Sam took it upon himself to knock out several of my friends before I realized this and suspended the tournament. Luckily, all but one of my friends survived the encounter, and only one had to be hospitalized. Since Sam obviously couldn't be allowed to harm any more of my friends, we decided to make him permanently 'it.'



Even when Sam wasn't assaulting my friends, he still couldn't understand how to play the game. I neglected to inform Sam that the use of military grade optics was not allowed in tournament style hide and seek. Instead, he used his sonar goggles, which I was told he had confiscated, to mark every single person and find them all in about one minute. It wasn't too long before I realized that I needed to rethink our entertainment options.



So I went with our backup plan, Modern Warfare 2. I took some time to explain the rules to Sam, as he had never played a video game before, and told him we play free for all deathmatch. "The point is to get as many kills as you can, more than everyone else, that's how you win, got it?" He agreed and grabbed the controller, holding it the wrong way until I corrected him. It was then that several of my friends noticed odd arrow shaped objects above their heads.

Soon after, I ended the party and sent my remaining two friends home, along with Sam. All in all, the party was a complete disaster thanks to Sam, who ruined everything. Needless to say I'm not inviting him over anymore, no matter how much anyone begs me to. Even if I did have another party, I'm pretty much out of friends now.

Thanks a lot, Sam. You're an asshole.