We all know Sony and Microsoft are engaged in a battle to determine the future of motion control. Many of you have already formed opinions on one or the other, many of you just don't care. Still, I feel that this issue has not been addressed fully and cohesively, which is what motivates me to write this blog. Where will the future of gaming lie? Who will decide? I'm here to throw in my view of the motion control wars.










































I got you so good.

Hey all you out there in internet land, if you're bored like me and looking for a break from sexual pornography, I may be able to help. Since I was both of these things, I decided to draw stupid pictures and make a semi-long comic thing that probably isn't funny, but oh well. I don't expect anyone to take this seriously.

As if I expected anyone to take me seriously beforehand. But enough of that. Here you go. All pictures this time, no text. See how easy I made it for you?



















I truly have no idea why I did this. Maybe it's the tacos I just ate. Could be that.

Yeah, it's probably that.

Welcome one, welcome all, to a new thing I decided to do. The Short Version is, and could be, a continuing series in which I take a game and try to summarize it in one picture or less. The results will be comical, boring, stupid, disgusting, infuriating and completely inaccurate, but that's the fun, right?. Today's episode contains some of the greatest games of all time, including yours!

So if you think you're ready, read on, and discover what it truly means to be better than everyone else.

*If your favorite game isn't included, it clearly sucks.



What is Halo? Is it a sweeping tale of galactic conflict, heroes, villains, uncharted worlds and space marines? Hardly. All this is filler, stupid, pointless filler story that has actually nothing to do with the real game. As shown above, Halo pretty much boils down to killing aliens, which is pretty generic and dumb, and clearly only designed for 10 year olds with no concept of what a game should be.

The Short Version: Halo is Aliens.



But, hey, at least Halo tried. Enter God of War, a game with absolutely no story whatsoever. Kratos, the games main character, is basically just a pissed off white guy who takes out his anger on everyone around him. Instead of dealing with his emotions in a proper manner, he goes off and starts murdering a bunch of Gods and half naked ladies with wings on their back. And when his arms get tired from swinging those meat cleavers around all day, he has sex with whatever woman he can find.

The Short Version: God Of War is pretty much an episode of Jerry Springer.



Sonic. He's a hedgehog. He's a hero, gonna take pollution down to...wait, wrong thing. Is Sonic a prickly little hero trying to save his universe from certain destruction? Is he an inspiration to painfully cuddly creatures everywhere? Only if you're an idiot. Sonic has an addiction. An addiction for ring shaped objects which he steals from others or finds lying on the ground. He can't seem to stop, and every day his craving grows stronger, before we know it he will be trading sexual favors just to get his fix.

The Short Version: Sonic is why kids do drugs.



Does this one even need explanation? Heavy Rain, the best, worst movie ever, has no gameplay whatsoever, and a story that revolves around silly people doing even sillier things for no reason at all. As far as I can tell, all of Heavy Rain involves running around some mall, screaming random names just to realize that you don't actually know anyone by that name, and that the fat guy is actually the killer.

The Short Version: Heavy Rain is Jason.



Modern Warfare 2, a game that needs no introduction, but is getting one anyway. A game full of completely realistic and feasible situations, MW2 is the pinnacle of military simulation. We all know people can lunge 20 feet in real life, or survive a shotgun blast to the head, so it makes sense that these things also happen in the game. That's probably why it's the best game ever, way better than some other un-named Battlefield 2: Not-So-Friendly Company type video game. Not to mention, MW2 has Predator missiles.

The Short Version: Modern Warfare is the most logical (and best) game ever made.



A personal favorite of mine, the Metal Gear games have always featured a convoluted story and a bunch of theoretical technology that might or might not exist in an underground base in Japan. But that illusion is crushed once you find out the entire game is you discovering that, of all things, Metal Gear is involved. Metal Gear? That's right. This changes everything. What was once a simple terrorist plot to explode the world is now a complicated plot to blow up the world with nuclear weapons obtained from South America, or something. The country doesn't really matter.

The Short Version: Metal Gear is...Metal Gear?!

Not only is Yakuza 3 the most complete Japanese simulator ever released on any system, it also teaches you several very important, extremely violent life lessons. Do you not believe me? Then you owe me 100,000 yen. Through the magic of television, I will share with you the important semi-anger management lessons I have learned from Yakuza 3.

You may notice that this edition is not held to the same standards as the previous two. I believe that it is still just as enjoyable, and the best experience you will find in my blog. I had to make some very important decisions when creating it, and I hope you will understand and enjoy it regardless. I always strive to deliver a complete product, and believe I have done so here.

So sit back, relax, and give me that 100,000 yen. I have a date tonight.



That's right, a date. I met her at the Smile Burger, which I'm told is where all the high class dudes meet their corresponding dudette. In fact, after I date one girl from the burger joint, another appears in her place, this time cuter than the last. Not to mention that these girls are somehow impressed by, of all things, my singing. All I have to do is shout at some TV screen and she melts in my pants.

At least until the next morning, when she tells me that Yakuza have abducted her mother and are going to kill off her entire family unless they get 100,000 yen (I told you, I need it). Guess who has to deal with that?

Relationships blow.



Thankfully, grace, poise, majesty and similar adjectives bare no meaning in modern Japan. Instead of civil conversations, negotiations and friendly trips to the golf course, all problems are solved directly through violence. Instead of acting like a normal, healthy individual; instead opting to act like a homicidal jackass with nothing better to do.

But that's OK, as violence solves everything in Japan. Guy make fun of your hair? Beat the crap out of him. You think my taste in women is cheap? Then taste this pole as I SHOVE YOUR FACE INTO IT. Now who's the jackass, jackass?



Apparently, everyone is the jackass. Since all of Japan solves violence with violence, plus added violence, it only makes violent sense that other violent residents would be violent too. But wait, you say, isn't it a little harsh just to take your aggression out on anyone who walks down the road? Not here! In fact, the best way to make yourself feel better is by randomly attacking the first person you see.

Oh, you need a reason?

Well...your shirt is red. And I hate red shirts. I'm going to beat the living crap out of you for wearing that red shirt, then maybe next time you'll think twice before wearing it again. Unless, of course, you give me your wallet.



So now you're in a fight, but there aren't any weapons around. Or are there? No, not really.

But wait...there's a couch over there. And a sign. And a table. Little did you know, everyday household items can be used, masterfully, as self defense items. No gun? Try using that sofa. No katana? Why not use a bench? When you think about it, a bench is pretty much the seating equivalent of a sword anyway, so it makes perfect sense!

They always say you shouldn't bring a knife to a gunfight, and they're right. You should bring a couch.



So after all this hot, sweaty, man-fighting, what does a man do to relax? If you're a real man, you play the UFO Catcher at Club SEGA. Anyone can button mash in Blurbua Fighter 62, or press one button to shoot lazor beams in that spaceship game, but it takes true skill to win a small plush cat. Or even a frog. Dawww, they're so cuuuute...erm, anyway.

Hey, I got one! Yes! It's almost there! Just a little....

...Screw this game.



As I said before, I strive to deliver a full and complete product. However, due to time constraints, this content was cut because I believed it would not fully resonate with the audience. Rest assured, this blog still has a lot to see and do, and the deleted content was not necessary to the enjoyment of the overall piece.

I believe you will still be able to understand the story and all related references, thus not subtracting from your enjoyment in any way. Thank you for your continued support of RenegadePanda; where the community always comes first.

Hot of the heels of the rumored DS2 announcement, I have found something even better. Introducing Nintendo's newest handheld announcement, the QSi. The QSi is the true successor to the DS, and represents a new era of technology.



As you can see, the QSi has 4 screens. It also includes 4 styli and comes with 4 speakers built into the system. Additionally, the QSi comes equipped with 4 external cameras as well as 2 internal cameras. The system itself is approximately 12 inches in length, designed to fit easily into your pocket. All QSi's will have access to QSiWare, which will feature several clock applications for the gamer on the go. The QSi is also launching with the most highly anticipated game, ever.



That's right. Statistic Tracker, the newest game from Activision, is set to be the biggest launch title for the QSi. Stat Tracker allows players to manage and edit up to 4 spreadsheet databases at any given time using a variety of in game tools. The game features avatar support and has online support for up to 4 players. Competitive and Cooperative modes are included.

So if you were about to give in to the hype behind the DS2, you should probably think twice. The QSi is right around the corner, and it will kick your ass. Preorder yours today and receive a special QSi only download of Mario Calculator.