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1:21 PM on 06.03.2012

A Modern War Dance Off

Modurn Warfairz has always been a hit among crazy people who like to shoot other, equally crazy people. But as we all know, first person shooters are dumb and stupid and only played by racist 10 year old kids who stole their parent's credit cards to buy the game. But what if it was never a shooting game at all? What if that brilliant idea had been killed and replaced with one much worse, like that movie about the dream people?

What if they took the premise of saving the world, Russians, and plot holes and turned it into a dance game?

Instead of fighting the enemy with guns alone, the military now turns to the power of dance to defeat the evil brown people and push them back to whatever unpronounceable country they came from. Instead of predator missiles and AC 130's, you now have specialized dance moves designed to brutally serve the enemy into submission. Of course, the enemy will always try to serve back.

Playing as the happy folk of the Modurn Warfairz games, you will dance to the beat and gain points to level up your character and gain new outfits, dance moves and pictures to show everyone how super 1337 good you are at the game. When you reach max level, you can Presscheese, losing your upgrades but adding a special cheese related song each time you do, as well as receiving a gold pair of underpants for your in game character to wear.

You'll face a variety of bad guys, including Makaroni, whom you will have to hone your skills to perfection in order to beat. You can call in backup Delta Dancers for support, or, if you're really good, drop a tactical nuke and win by destroying yourself and everything around you. Once you beat all the bad guys, the world will be saved until the sequel comes out!

And once you've mastered every song, get ready for multiple DLC packs coming soon! Every pack will have 3 themed songs for you to test your Rhythm Warfare skillz to. You can also face other Rhythm Warriors in deadly combat over Xbox Live and use Kinect to automatically capture pictures of your face and/or genitals and upload them directly to your opponents!

The first hardcore-shooter-themed-dance-style-mature-multiplayer Kinect game arrives this summer! Preorder now!   read

3:50 PM on 05.25.2010

Introducing...Well, This.

Fellow DToiders, it has been a long time coming, but today marks a special day in my life. Not special like K, or special like me, but special in a much more tangible way. I'd like to share something with you today, which may or may not be relevant to your interests. Something that would make even the most complete collector jealous.

Even Funktastic.

Many of you may be familiar with my first real blog, Modurn Warfairz Teaches You Things. Little did you know, it was a rousing success, and might very well be a worldwide phenomenon. At least in my head. So I decided to partner with Microsoft to bring you guys something truly special.

Ladies and Gentlemen...and I guess transvestites too, I present the Destructoid Edition Modurn Warfairz 2 Limited Edition Xbox 360 Console.

This defective console has been lovingly embellished in genuine Sharpie marker with many of the iconic figures from Modurn Warfairz 2. The console comes with no hard drive, and is RROD'd right out of the box. Of course, this would matter if cords were included, which they are not. (Special Edition MW2 cords are being released soon!)

The main side features a stunning rendition of MW2's infamous Predator missile with his trademark smirk, along with several characters that have no real relation to anything! In fact, every bit of art featured on this console has absolutely no coherence at all. Sweet, right?

The opposite side of the unit features everyone's other favorite star, the AC130. Incorporating a modern Facebook design, this side really gets you closer to the AC130. You can even friend him, check out the buttons I drew! In addition to this, there are also several DToid avatars featured below. Yep, you guys might be on here!

And we come to the front, mimicking the popular MW2 design, it includes several words and numbers that you may or may not understand. Neat! It's also got some other stuff too, but you can check that out later.

This special edition console is super limited, only 1 will ever exist in the entire world. Forget the fact that it doesn't work. Who needs a working system when you can have such class and elegance right in your own living room? Guaranteed to spice up any room or your money back.

How can you get one? I'm not sure yet. As it stands, this has been priced at a value of $1,500.00, plus I'm also using it as a makeshift table thing. But after spending a painstaking 20 minutes creating it, I feel the need to share it with you guys.

I'm also currently accepting bribes.   read

2:06 PM on 04.25.2010

Don't Invite Sam Fisher To Your Party.

As you may or may not know, I threw a party this weekend for some of my closest friends. I invited several people, among them was Sam Fisher, whom I have known for some time. Now Sam has been quite unstable lately, but the doctors and his family assured me he would benefit from being at the party and having fun with other people. So I sent him an invite, and he promptly RSVP'ed.

Let's just say, that was kind of a mistake. What follows is an illustrated documentation of my interactions with Sam this weekend.

Sam arrived exactly at 8 o' clock, to the second, and I showed him around my place. He was pretty quiet and not communicating well with the other guests, so I tried to get him involved in the party. I started out simple by asking Sam to help gather a few things for the party. First on the list was the cheese and crackers I had waiting in the kitchen.

After the incident I was convinced asking Sam to help with the party was a bad move, but I noticed he left the kitchen lights on, a huge pet peeve of mine. "I'm trying to save on electricity, Sam, and you need to turn the lights off when you're done using them." I felt bad scolding him, but it needed to be said. So he went back into the kitchen to rectify his mistake.

When I realized Sam had taken my request far too literally, I quickly realized that I shouldn't ask Sam to do anything helpful. Instead I tried to get him involved in some of the bitchin' party games I had planned. If you didn't know, I'm a regional hide and seek champion, so I had a huge tournament planned for that night. I was also hoping this might get Sam into the party spirit, since hiding is kind of his thing.

Turns out, hiding isn't his only thing. Apparently Sam couldn't shake his Third Echelon ways for more than a few minutes before snapping right back. Instead of hiding, Sam took it upon himself to knock out several of my friends before I realized this and suspended the tournament. Luckily, all but one of my friends survived the encounter, and only one had to be hospitalized. Since Sam obviously couldn't be allowed to harm any more of my friends, we decided to make him permanently 'it.'

Even when Sam wasn't assaulting my friends, he still couldn't understand how to play the game. I neglected to inform Sam that the use of military grade optics was not allowed in tournament style hide and seek. Instead, he used his sonar goggles, which I was told he had confiscated, to mark every single person and find them all in about one minute. It wasn't too long before I realized that I needed to rethink our entertainment options.

So I went with our backup plan, Modern Warfare 2. I took some time to explain the rules to Sam, as he had never played a video game before, and told him we play free for all deathmatch. "The point is to get as many kills as you can, more than everyone else, that's how you win, got it?" He agreed and grabbed the controller, holding it the wrong way until I corrected him. It was then that several of my friends noticed odd arrow shaped objects above their heads.

Soon after, I ended the party and sent my remaining two friends home, along with Sam. All in all, the party was a complete disaster thanks to Sam, who ruined everything. Needless to say I'm not inviting him over anymore, no matter how much anyone begs me to. Even if I did have another party, I'm pretty much out of friends now.

Thanks a lot, Sam. You're an asshole.   read

6:27 PM on 04.05.2010

A Completely Unbiased View Of Motion Control.

We all know Sony and Microsoft are engaged in a battle to determine the future of motion control. Many of you have already formed opinions on one or the other, many of you just don't care. Still, I feel that this issue has not been addressed fully and cohesively, which is what motivates me to write this blog. Where will the future of gaming lie? Who will decide? I'm here to throw in my view of the motion control wars.

I got you so good.


5:01 PM on 03.30.2010

Unidentified Comic Thing. I think.

Hey all you out there in internet land, if you're bored like me and looking for a break from sexual pornography, I may be able to help. Since I was both of these things, I decided to draw stupid pictures and make a semi-long comic thing that probably isn't funny, but oh well. I don't expect anyone to take this seriously.

As if I expected anyone to take me seriously beforehand. But enough of that. Here you go. All pictures this time, no text. See how easy I made it for you?

I truly have no idea why I did this. Maybe it's the tacos I just ate. Could be that.

Yeah, it's probably that.   read

2:52 PM on 03.28.2010

The Short Version: Episode Zero

Welcome one, welcome all, to a new thing I decided to do. The Short Version is, and could be, a continuing series in which I take a game and try to summarize it in one picture or less. The results will be comical, boring, stupid, disgusting, infuriating and completely inaccurate, but that's the fun, right?. Today's episode contains some of the greatest games of all time, including yours!

So if you think you're ready, read on, and discover what it truly means to be better than everyone else.

*If your favorite game isn't included, it clearly sucks.

What is Halo? Is it a sweeping tale of galactic conflict, heroes, villains, uncharted worlds and space marines? Hardly. All this is filler, stupid, pointless filler story that has actually nothing to do with the real game. As shown above, Halo pretty much boils down to killing aliens, which is pretty generic and dumb, and clearly only designed for 10 year olds with no concept of what a game should be.

The Short Version: Halo is Aliens.

But, hey, at least Halo tried. Enter God of War, a game with absolutely no story whatsoever. Kratos, the games main character, is basically just a pissed off white guy who takes out his anger on everyone around him. Instead of dealing with his emotions in a proper manner, he goes off and starts murdering a bunch of Gods and half naked ladies with wings on their back. And when his arms get tired from swinging those meat cleavers around all day, he has sex with whatever woman he can find.

The Short Version: God Of War is pretty much an episode of Jerry Springer.

Sonic. He's a hedgehog. He's a hero, gonna take pollution down to...wait, wrong thing. Is Sonic a prickly little hero trying to save his universe from certain destruction? Is he an inspiration to painfully cuddly creatures everywhere? Only if you're an idiot. Sonic has an addiction. An addiction for ring shaped objects which he steals from others or finds lying on the ground. He can't seem to stop, and every day his craving grows stronger, before we know it he will be trading sexual favors just to get his fix.

The Short Version: Sonic is why kids do drugs.

Does this one even need explanation? Heavy Rain, the best, worst movie ever, has no gameplay whatsoever, and a story that revolves around silly people doing even sillier things for no reason at all. As far as I can tell, all of Heavy Rain involves running around some mall, screaming random names just to realize that you don't actually know anyone by that name, and that the fat guy is actually the killer.

The Short Version: Heavy Rain is Jason.

Modern Warfare 2, a game that needs no introduction, but is getting one anyway. A game full of completely realistic and feasible situations, MW2 is the pinnacle of military simulation. We all know people can lunge 20 feet in real life, or survive a shotgun blast to the head, so it makes sense that these things also happen in the game. That's probably why it's the best game ever, way better than some other un-named Battlefield 2: Not-So-Friendly Company type video game. Not to mention, MW2 has Predator missiles.

The Short Version: Modern Warfare is the most logical (and best) game ever made.

A personal favorite of mine, the Metal Gear games have always featured a convoluted story and a bunch of theoretical technology that might or might not exist in an underground base in Japan. But that illusion is crushed once you find out the entire game is you discovering that, of all things, Metal Gear is involved. Metal Gear? That's right. This changes everything. What was once a simple terrorist plot to explode the world is now a complicated plot to blow up the world with nuclear weapons obtained from South America, or something. The country doesn't really matter.

The Short Version: Metal Gear is...Metal Gear?!   read

10:10 PM on 03.19.2010

Jakuzi 3 Teaches You Things

Not only is Yakuza 3 the most complete Japanese simulator ever released on any system, it also teaches you several very important, extremely violent life lessons. Do you not believe me? Then you owe me 100,000 yen. Through the magic of television, I will share with you the important semi-anger management lessons I have learned from Yakuza 3.

You may notice that this edition is not held to the same standards as the previous two. I believe that it is still just as enjoyable, and the best experience you will find in my blog. I had to make some very important decisions when creating it, and I hope you will understand and enjoy it regardless. I always strive to deliver a complete product, and believe I have done so here.

So sit back, relax, and give me that 100,000 yen. I have a date tonight.

That's right, a date. I met her at the Smile Burger, which I'm told is where all the high class dudes meet their corresponding dudette. In fact, after I date one girl from the burger joint, another appears in her place, this time cuter than the last. Not to mention that these girls are somehow impressed by, of all things, my singing. All I have to do is shout at some TV screen and she melts in my pants.

At least until the next morning, when she tells me that Yakuza have abducted her mother and are going to kill off her entire family unless they get 100,000 yen (I told you, I need it). Guess who has to deal with that?

Relationships blow.

Thankfully, grace, poise, majesty and similar adjectives bare no meaning in modern Japan. Instead of civil conversations, negotiations and friendly trips to the golf course, all problems are solved directly through violence. Instead of acting like a normal, healthy individual; instead opting to act like a homicidal jackass with nothing better to do.

But that's OK, as violence solves everything in Japan. Guy make fun of your hair? Beat the crap out of him. You think my taste in women is cheap? Then taste this pole as I SHOVE YOUR FACE INTO IT. Now who's the jackass, jackass?

Apparently, everyone is the jackass. Since all of Japan solves violence with violence, plus added violence, it only makes violent sense that other violent residents would be violent too. But wait, you say, isn't it a little harsh just to take your aggression out on anyone who walks down the road? Not here! In fact, the best way to make yourself feel better is by randomly attacking the first person you see.

Oh, you need a reason?

Well...your shirt is red. And I hate red shirts. I'm going to beat the living crap out of you for wearing that red shirt, then maybe next time you'll think twice before wearing it again. Unless, of course, you give me your wallet.

So now you're in a fight, but there aren't any weapons around. Or are there? No, not really.

But wait...there's a couch over there. And a sign. And a table. Little did you know, everyday household items can be used, masterfully, as self defense items. No gun? Try using that sofa. No katana? Why not use a bench? When you think about it, a bench is pretty much the seating equivalent of a sword anyway, so it makes perfect sense!

They always say you shouldn't bring a knife to a gunfight, and they're right. You should bring a couch.

So after all this hot, sweaty, man-fighting, what does a man do to relax? If you're a real man, you play the UFO Catcher at Club SEGA. Anyone can button mash in Blurbua Fighter 62, or press one button to shoot lazor beams in that spaceship game, but it takes true skill to win a small plush cat. Or even a frog. Dawww, they're so cuuuute...erm, anyway.

Hey, I got one! Yes! It's almost there! Just a little....

...Screw this game.

As I said before, I strive to deliver a full and complete product. However, due to time constraints, this content was cut because I believed it would not fully resonate with the audience. Rest assured, this blog still has a lot to see and do, and the deleted content was not necessary to the enjoyment of the overall piece.

I believe you will still be able to understand the story and all related references, thus not subtracting from your enjoyment in any way. Thank you for your continued support of RenegadePanda; where the community always comes first.   read

11:22 PM on 02.15.2010

Introducing The QSi. [shortblog]

Hot of the heels of the rumored DS2 announcement, I have found something even better. Introducing Nintendo's newest handheld announcement, the QSi. The QSi is the true successor to the DS, and represents a new era of technology.

As you can see, the QSi has 4 screens. It also includes 4 styli and comes with 4 speakers built into the system. Additionally, the QSi comes equipped with 4 external cameras as well as 2 internal cameras. The system itself is approximately 12 inches in length, designed to fit easily into your pocket. All QSi's will have access to QSiWare, which will feature several clock applications for the gamer on the go. The QSi is also launching with the most highly anticipated game, ever.

That's right. Statistic Tracker, the newest game from Activision, is set to be the biggest launch title for the QSi. Stat Tracker allows players to manage and edit up to 4 spreadsheet databases at any given time using a variety of in game tools. The game features avatar support and has online support for up to 4 players. Competitive and Cooperative modes are included.

So if you were about to give in to the hype behind the DS2, you should probably think twice. The QSi is right around the corner, and it will kick your ass. Preorder yours today and receive a special QSi only download of Mario Calculator.   read

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