If you're like me, you're just sick and tired of reading all these professional reviews about boring, relevant games that come out practically every day. You ask yourself, where are the reviews I care about? Well don't worry because I'm here to help. More importantly, Renegade's Random Review theater is here to help.

Today's review covers the controversial world of British accents and police brutality with striking attention to detail. A game that truly speaks as a bold statement against the 'man' and possibly the 'woman' too. No, it's not my award winning documentary, "England Is Invading: Hide Your Pudding!", but it's the next best thing. It's Autobahn Polezi. Poleezi? Poelzi...?

Autobahn Polenta?



Autobarn Polezwei is backwards from the start. Upon starting your car for the first time, the game directs you to drive somewhere, but that's not the messed up part. You're instructed to drive on the wrong side of the road, further complicated by the fact that everyone is driving on the wrong side of the road. What's worse is that driving on the correct side causes head on collisions at a shockingly high rate. It's like the game is set in some kind of bizarro backwards country across the ocean, instead of America where all the good video games take place.

Once you're used to that, the game goes one step further by putting your speed, and other critical measurements, into some kind of strange alternate language. The game assumes you know what a "kilometer" is, which I can only assume is like those news stories where people buy kilo's of things and then get arrested right after. Playing this game must be exactly like breaking the law, so I have to be careful.

Okay, so say you've finally decoded the entirety of the Scribbleese language, it's time to drive. You only get one car at the beginning, because you're undercover, or something like that. The car handles well enough, assuming your car handles like a bowel movement after a particularly spicy bowl of soggy noodles. After a bit of dialogue involving you and your partner, who I'm pretty sure isn't a real cop, you drive to a predetermined location and...well, cop stuff I guess.



One mission has you racing to a checkpoint, which in turn starts a mission where you have to follow some truck because some guys stole some car. In order to stop them, you have to smash their escort cars into helpless pedestrians before jumping out of the car into the truck to save the other car. Apparently this is a really nice car, at least that's what the dispatch lady says.

Between those exciting missions, you're free to drive around and abuse your police authority to basically destroy the city of...whatever city you're in. You can try to run people over, or just smash into those stupid advertisements that have been plaguing the city for years. Apparently this is all perfectly acceptable to the government and associated agencies, because you get rewarded for doing it.

And that's where Authbain Calzoni's true value starts to shine. Ramming your car into things is good. Speeding is fine, cars are expendable, pedestrians will always jump out of the way at the last second, and causing several billion dollars worth of damage is perfectly acceptable to save a $250,000 automobile.

In addition to driving, you also have some tools at your disposal, seemingly picked from the dumpsters behind James Bond's apartment. Remember the RCXD from Black Ops? You get one of those, except you have to control it while driving, and it somehow manages to be even more unwieldy that the noodle poop you launched it from. Once you position it directly under a car, you can blow it up, which seems like it would have been perfect for blowing up those escort cars earlier. You know, just saying.

Now, on to the graphics, clearly the most important part of the game. The graphics here are chock full of emotion, be it the cars, the environments or the wonderful variety of colors on display. The game is also full of genuine humor (or humour, if you're watching in Scribbleese) and truly made me happy inside. I also liked the stellar voice acting and top notch production valu...

Wait, hold on.



Sorry, that was my Blu Ray copy of Cars playing on HDMI 2.

Well, this is embarrassing, anyway, back to the game. The graphics look decent enough, the car looks like a car, and the tables on the roadside cafe's look just like the ones I just saw at the hardware store. The biggest problem here is that the gauges take up an unnecessary amount of screen space, presumably to highlight JUST HOW FAST AND EXCITING the game truly is.

And the more you play, the more exciting it gets. More cars, more missions where you follow some guy, more thought provoking dialogue. You'll never want it to end, because you'll be so flabbergasted by the amount of fun you're having, that your brain will cease all logical thought processes. Before you know it, you will be drooling all over your half eaten ham sandwich, staring at the television in awe.

So should you buy Autobeen Poopzien? No, you really shouldn't. Despite my glowing praise, I can't think of a single reason why anyone would play this game. It's quite telling that the first game, called Crash Time, was so poorly received (maybe because of this "kilometer" nonsense) that they had to rename this sequel in the US. Maybe they had good intentions, or maybe they heard about my up and coming band, Crash Time, but the fact remains that this game...

Isn't worth pursuing.

So it's Valentines day, that special day when you cuddle up with that special someone and do special things. Maybe you're going out to a nice meal? Seeing a movie? Or perhaps doing something so disgustingly inappropriate that I can't even mention it here? Oh, what a lovely time it is, how could anyone hate such a magical day?

So now that I'm out of snappy, lighthearted header territory, let's talk reality.

You're lonely, aren't you? No special someone for you. Maybe you made one too many dirty jokes, or maybe you realized those feelings just weren't genuine. Or maybe you just don't know how to approach a relationship, or just don't care. Lovey-dovey this, heart shaped that, it's enough to make you want to vomit before you've eaten a single piece of that clearance Valentines candy you bought at the drugstore.

What's there for us? Well, thankfully, we have videogames to fill that inoperable hole in our hearts. But just any games won't do, no, not at all. You need games that capture how you feel today, the anger, the frustration, all those emotions you thought were love, but now you know better. So come on, screw love, this is what you really need.



Red Faction: Guerrilla

Red Faction: Guerrilla is a game most befitting of this day. It's a game about revolt, anger, repression and enslavement. A game that encapsulates the darkness that the human mind can be subjected to, but instead of sitting in the corner with a pint of vanilla ice cream, you're given a sledgehammer. RF:G knows that the best way of dealing with your emotions is to tackle them head on with a hammer and several different high-explosives, and blow the ever loving sh*t out of them.



Gal*Gun

Okay, so I may have somewhat of an addiction to this game, but when you think about it, this game is perfect for us. Sure, other games may be more technically sound, more fun, and, you know, good, but think about this. Gal*Gun is a game where every single girl wants you, and for absolutely no discernible reason. You don't need money, looks, personality or even a car, you just stand there like an idiot and girls will jump right on top of you.

You're basically Justin Beiber.



Catherine

At the end of the day, you may start to ask yourself whether or not you truly want a relationship. And a few hours of Catherine will assure you that you absolutely do not. Crazy girls appearing from nowhere, dreams with deformed baby face anus monsters, getting drunk on a daily basis only to wake up and realize you may or may not have cheated on whichever girl is your girlfriend and left the tab unpaid at the bar. Relationships are just too god damned complicated nowadays.



Katamari Damacy

Maybe you just don't care anymore. You just wish you could roll it all up and blast it into the deepest reaches of space. Katamari can help. A game about complex relationships, but also a game about obsessively collecting to cover up your own insecurities. When you finally see all of the things you've acquired shot into the cosmos, you can't help but feel that a burden has been lifted off your shoulders. You can start fresh, new, and be anyone you want to be, because all those things are now in a giant mass of garbage that is rotting in space.

Which is comforting.

So there you have it. Valentines day isn't for you, and you don't need it. To hell with cards and flowers, those aren't your thing, and you're just fine with that. You can stand proud and say, well, something. I don't know what, that's for you to decide.

So, yeah, I wrote this. I'm one of those people. Certainly I don't mean to be depressing, because I know, and you should too, that even if you're alone on this day of togetherness, you don't need to let it get you down. Sometimes people like me just need to hear that, even if its...from myself.

So in a sense I'm my own Valentine.

I'll leave your mind to wander on that particular statement.

If I know you, you're just sick and tired of reading all these professional reviews of boring, relevant games that come out practically every day. You ask yourself, where are the reviews I care about? Well rest easy friends, because I'm here to help. More importantly, Renegade's Random Review Theater is here to help.

Today's subject is an important, genre-defining masturbatory aid that has gotten the shaft from the Western gaming community. A game that takes an incredible amount of perverse pleasure in making you feel like a dirty, disgusting human being, and before too long, asks you to take a seat.

Right over there.

Today's review is the Japanese jailbait touchy-touchy simulator, Gal*Gun.



Gal*Gun starts off innocently enough, with a story that we can truly all relate to. As a young, lonely boy in high school, you realize you're horribly unattractive and will never, ever get a date, even with that really desperate one. You know the one I mean. You decide that your life is essentially over, and pretty much give up.

The end.

But then one day, a half naked 12 year old angel visits you, apparently sympathizing with your plight, but unable to 'help' because she isn't 13 yet. She bestows upon you the power to get your one true love, but, being a 12 year old clutz, instead makes you attractive to everyone in the all-girl school that you are inexplicably creeping around in. Because Japan has morals this presents a problem, so, of course, there is a solution.

You are given a diminutive pistol that has the ability to shoot your pheromones all over the place. And seriously, I mean all over the place, even in the classroom.

And so, the quest for true love begins. Armed with an infinite supply of male jellymones and a strong conscience, you set out to cover all the girls in your pheromones so you can get to that special girl and cover her in your pheromones. It's a classic tale dating as far back as Leonardo D. Caprio's portrayal of Romeo in the classic Shakespearean play.



The gameplay is simple, you move a cursor on screen, either using the vibrating Dualyshocker controller or the appropriately phallic Playstation Move. As a purist, I actually recommend using the Move, as it greatly adds to the immersion factor. The game essentially plays like a light gun shooter, except for the majority of the game, you're firing blanks.

You can instantly satisfy a lady, as in real life, by shooting her in the crotch, or other sexy regions, which will help you 'clear a room' much faster. When you build up enough points, or something, you can opt to take one of the girls (which, remember, you don't love and want nothing to do with) into a special touchy love mode. This allows you to basically [censored] the girl until she just can't take any more and submits to your manliness.

This has the added benefit of swaying every girl in the room, as your prominent display shows everyone that they clearly can't handle your man handle. But it's not all kittens and rainbows, because more are waiting right around the corner, so strategic use of your male dominance is key to survival. Or something.

This is also where the Move really shines, as this mode allows you to waggle the controller in real time to help you in your goal.



Because you are scored on each level, there is definitely rapelay value to be had. Beyond trying for better scores, you can also try to swoon several different girls throughout the school. They each have unique dialog, interesting personalities, and are definitely special for their brains, and stuff. Each also has a unique mini game attached to them, from playing guitar to being abducted by tentacle monsters, so you'll maybe never get bored.

Graphically, Gal*Gun really shines. Environments are bland, feature blurry textures and look ported from a Playstation 2 game. But the onslaught of teenage girls are rendered with extreme attention to detail, each featuring different outfits and underwear, all of which can be customized to your 'heart's' content. The game also features dialog from several actual Japanese people, which is a plus.

Of special mention is the game's pause screen. Knowing that federal agents could raid your home at any moment, Gal*Gun smartly camouflages it's pause menu as an old 8-bit arcade game, thus absolving you of any wrong doing until the Start button is hit again. It also works equally well if your significant other walks in the room ans asks why you spend all your time playing video games. Never before has a game truly had this much attention to detail.



So in the end, if that's what you're into, Gal*Gun is one of those games. One of those games that is a game, with those things I mentioned. It sits on a shelf, hoping no one will notice it, and if they do, then suddenly everyone starts to feel ashamed. They ask what it is, and you don't have a response, instead choosing to argue that you bought it for the dialog and deep gameplay.

Is it right for you? If you said no, then you're likely a thriving individual with lots of friends and a happy relationship. Good for you.

If you answered yes, then you might want to have a seat.

Right next to me.

This embarassing review is based on the PS3 version which is region free. The game is also available and equally shame inducing on Xbox 360.

If I know you, you're just sick and tired of reading all these professional reviews of boring,relevant games that come out practically every day. You ask yourself, where are the reviews I care about? Well rest easy friends, because I'm here to help. More importantly, Renegade's Random Review Theater is here to help.

Today's game is an important, genre defining experience that has flown completely under the radar. Oh, did I mention it's an airplane game? Because that's important for that joke to work. It's a game that steers clear of the Danger Zone and instead flies straight into the Twilight Zone, a game that, you might say, is on bingo fuel.

Today, I'll be reviewing the underdog Wii game known as Hyper Fighters.



To get a basic idea of what Hyper Fighters is, just imagine Afterburner mixed with Sin & Punishment or Star Fox and then stick it in the microwave for three hours until the whole thing is a giant, bubbling mess and cover it in cheese. If you thought most air combat games were just too exciting, then Hyper Fighters is the game for you.

Let's begin with the game's gleefully terrible story. You are a pilot, named John X, who flies one of three airplanes known cleverly as Hyper Fighter X, Hyper Fighter XX and Hyper Fighter XXX. After visiting a local pub with his brother, Jake X returned from the restroom to find his brother John X abducted by their sworn enemies, The Company. Since Jake X is the only remaining person in the world who can fly the only planes left in the world, it's up to him to stop The Company from an unknown plotline and save his brother.

I can't make this shit up.

Once you pick one of the three planes, which are balanced for speed, firepower or rounded for both, you jump into one of several missions prefaced by wonderfully awful briefings such as "Our scouts detect weapons being transported through this area, this could lead to trouble." You are then thrust into the mission with no further explanation as to how you got there, and why exactly you're following orders from an unknown, presumably government entity while on a revenge quest in a plane owned by your brother.

The controls in Hyper Fighters share more in common with a first person shooter; despite the fact that you're flying an aircraft you move with the nunchuck stick and fire by pointing at the screen and pressing the B button using a nose mounted machine gun that can mysteriously shoot in any conceivable angle. While you are free to move the plane and do a barrel roll, you are restricted by forced camera angles as to how far you can move.

Enemies, however, have no such restriction, and will happily fire at you while they are off screen meaning, a) You can't shoot them back and b) You can't see the projectiles to dodge them. But at least the planes go down easily, one hit will usually bring them down, and you have a stock of homing missiles which you can replenish while flying for a point deduction. This is all assuming you can tell the difference between an enemy, projectile and the scenery, since they all look suspiciously similar to piles of dirt.



At the end of each stage you'll get to fight a boss, which is usually some kind of impractical flying fortress that apparently sapped The Company's budget because their regular fighters are clearly made of cardboard and thumbtacks. These bosses require intricate strategies to defeat such as dodging constantly and firing missiles, with an occasional burst of your machine gun that, by the way, overheats in about 10 seconds.

Once defeated, you'll watch the flying whatever explode, and then it's off to your next seemingly random location to do it all over again. This would sound a lot more tedious if each level weren't only a few minutes long, which is almost like the game admitting how little effort was put into it.

The graphics on display here are actually pretty great for a Dreamcast launch title. In fact, everything here is pretty good for a Dreamcast launch title. Unfortunately, this game wouldn't play in my Dreamcast, so I had to use my Wii where everything becomes much less impressive. Textures look like mud, the airplanes all have an odd shine to them until they become damaged and smoke (which conveniently, also looks like mud) obscures everything. Scenery, while looking slightly less like mud, isn't helped by the fact that most stages take place in areas dominated by mud and water.

Sound plays an important part here as well, with stock sound effects and music that could have easily been pulled from Flashkit.com. While it isn't unbearable, I found the experience to be more accurate and authentic by muting the TV and making woosh and explosion sounds with my mouth, occasionally throwing in some pew's for good measure. This method also allows you to blare 'Danger Zone' in the background, thus making the entirety of the game much more compelling.



I'd like to say it's hard to hate on Hyper Fighters. It's a small game made by a small group of people who were frankly lucky to have any publisher release their game on anything, let alone a major console. I'm not sure how exactly they pitched this to ZOO, but I have a feeling that none of it was accurate. If playing this game is equivalent to sitting in a cockpit of an airplane, then I'd be grasping at the eject handle desperately, except it doesn't work.

There is one guy in the credits who's name is repeated about 10 times or more throughout the course of the credits, not because he's egotistical, but because he literally was the 'head' everything. From graphics to sound to marketing, it's the same exact handful of people that would have been easier to include under the header of 'everything.' But if these guys were actual pilots, there's a good chance they would have been shot down by their own wingmen.

But underneath this travesty of a game is the simple joy of laughing at something so abysmally lazy, boring and cheesily uninspired, that it almost threatens to be entertaining. Had it any redeeming qualities beyond that, it would threaten to be a collector's item too, eBay had only a handful on sale and no Gamestop in my state had a single copy. Even Counter Force couldn't say that.

You can find Hyper Fighters and other quality titles in a participating Target used game section.

That's right. What if the companies that make or publish our games decided to make carbonated beverages? What if all the things we love or hate about our industry were now applied to delicious soda pops and juice drinks? Move over Coca Cola, one of these companies could be the new king of sugary refreshment.



Activision Carbonated Drink Experience

Activision has made millions on their most revered franchise, Call of Duty but coming soon there will be a whole new level of refreshment available. That's right, Call of Cola, a new cola flavored drink will soon be available for purchase! Customers can buy a 24 pack at a reasonable price, and further 12 packs must be purchased for $14.99 each. To supplement this, Call of Cola will release a new flavor each year in fun flavors such as cherry cola, vanilla cola and a cola with twice the sugar of the original flavor to help you be more extreme in your daily life.

Capcom Carbonated

Capcom is well known for their franchises, the most recent being Street Fighter and several offshoots of it. But soon you will be able to purchase Capcom's newest creation, Capcomune, a light fizzy drink in a wonderful 'plain' flavor. Customers can purchase the plain flavored soda, then purchase 99 cent individual flavor packets for each bottle to enhance the experience that is Capcomune. Capcom will also sell packages containing certain flavor sets for a discounted price at a later date. In addition to this, Capcom will sell bottle skins to change the color of each bottle to any number of wonderful hues.

Electronic Beverage Arts

Electronic Arts may be famous for their games, such as Dead Space, but they are now entering the soda market. Designed to supplement their games, each drink offers it's own flavor combination in exciting flavors such as Berry Red Space, BattleLemon-Line, and Mass Grapeffect. Every drink will come with a code imprinted on the cap that must be entered on the EA website to avoid a $1.99 additional charge. That code will link to an EA account (required) which will then allow the customer to finalize the code entry through Origin (required) to negate the fee.

Namco Specialized Refreshment

Namco will offer a single flavor of soda which will rotate every other year. Each soda will offer a delicious flavor and be sold in special edition bottles each themed with a popular Namco game such as Idolm@ster and Riiiidge Racer. Each bottle will retail for considerably more than competing soda brands and contain less soda, but Namco says that it makes up for this with it's flashy bottles. Think of how cool you will look with one in your hand!

Ubisoftdrinks

Ubisoftdrinks is the company's first foray into beverages, and it's coming with a bang. Among the debut flavors are favorites such as Assassin's Cherry, FarCran-Apple, and Splinter Cell: Code Orange. Each drink will be linked with the consumers uDrink account to reward them with a different collectable cap for each drink. Every Ubisoftdrink dealer must adhere to strict rules and only allow the customer to enjoy their soda within a 10 foot radius of the counter to ensure they do not share any with a friend or sell the soda illegally without Ubisoftdrink consent.

Konami Bottling Company

Konami Bottling Company is a brand new branch of the company headed exclusively by Hideo Kojima, the great mind behind the classic Metal Gear Solid series. The first flavor of soda introduced by the company will feature a traditional cola flavor, but wait, now it's cherry flavored. And hold on! Now the soda has changed to a wonderful orange sensation. Every sip of Konamicola will be a different twist of flavor, by the end of the bottle you won't have any idea what's going on with so much flavor assaulting your taste buds.

SEGA SODA

SEGA SODA will introduce the world's most popular flavor, then abandon support and focus on a stale blue raspberry flavor which they will market primarily on nostalgia.



So what do you say? If you're super excited for these drinks like I am, then write your company of choice and let them know. Ditch that boring old Pepsi for something new! And then use the energy to yell at everyone else about how their choice of drink is wrong!

Full Disclosure: I have no idea what the hell I just wrote.