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RenegadePanda avatar 11:38 AM on 02.14.2013  (server time)
Valentine Gaming For The Chronically Miserable.

So it's Valentines day, that special day when you cuddle up with that special someone and do special things. Maybe you're going out to a nice meal? Seeing a movie? Or perhaps doing something so disgustingly inappropriate that I can't even mention it here? Oh, what a lovely time it is, how could anyone hate such a magical day?

So now that I'm out of snappy, lighthearted header territory, let's talk reality.

You're lonely, aren't you? No special someone for you. Maybe you made one too many dirty jokes, or maybe you realized those feelings just weren't genuine. Or maybe you just don't know how to approach a relationship, or just don't care. Lovey-dovey this, heart shaped that, it's enough to make you want to vomit before you've eaten a single piece of that clearance Valentines candy you bought at the drugstore.

What's there for us? Well, thankfully, we have videogames to fill that inoperable hole in our hearts. But just any games won't do, no, not at all. You need games that capture how you feel today, the anger, the frustration, all those emotions you thought were love, but now you know better. So come on, screw love, this is what you really need.

Red Faction: Guerrilla

Red Faction: Guerrilla is a game most befitting of this day. It's a game about revolt, anger, repression and enslavement. A game that encapsulates the darkness that the human mind can be subjected to, but instead of sitting in the corner with a pint of vanilla ice cream, you're given a sledgehammer. RF:G knows that the best way of dealing with your emotions is to tackle them head on with a hammer and several different high-explosives, and blow the ever loving sh*t out of them.


Okay, so I may have somewhat of an addiction to this game, but when you think about it, this game is perfect for us. Sure, other games may be more technically sound, more fun, and, you know, good, but think about this. Gal*Gun is a game where every single girl wants you, and for absolutely no discernible reason. You don't need money, looks, personality or even a car, you just stand there like an idiot and girls will jump right on top of you.

You're basically Justin Beiber.


At the end of the day, you may start to ask yourself whether or not you truly want a relationship. And a few hours of Catherine will assure you that you absolutely do not. Crazy girls appearing from nowhere, dreams with deformed baby face anus monsters, getting drunk on a daily basis only to wake up and realize you may or may not have cheated on whichever girl is your girlfriend and left the tab unpaid at the bar. Relationships are just too god damned complicated nowadays.

Katamari Damacy

Maybe you just don't care anymore. You just wish you could roll it all up and blast it into the deepest reaches of space. Katamari can help. A game about complex relationships, but also a game about obsessively collecting to cover up your own insecurities. When you finally see all of the things you've acquired shot into the cosmos, you can't help but feel that a burden has been lifted off your shoulders. You can start fresh, new, and be anyone you want to be, because all those things are now in a giant mass of garbage that is rotting in space.

Which is comforting.

So there you have it. Valentines day isn't for you, and you don't need it. To hell with cards and flowers, those aren't your thing, and you're just fine with that. You can stand proud and say, well, something. I don't know what, that's for you to decide.

So, yeah, I wrote this. I'm one of those people. Certainly I don't mean to be depressing, because I know, and you should too, that even if you're alone on this day of togetherness, you don't need to let it get you down. Sometimes people like me just need to hear that, even if its...from myself.

So in a sense I'm my own Valentine.

I'll leave your mind to wander on that particular statement.

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