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RenegadePanda avatar 11:00 AM on 02.13.2013  (server time)
Triple R Theater: Valentine Edition

If I know you, you're just sick and tired of reading all these professional reviews of boring, relevant games that come out practically every day. You ask yourself, where are the reviews I care about? Well rest easy friends, because I'm here to help. More importantly, Renegade's Random Review Theater is here to help.

Today's subject is an important, genre-defining masturbatory aid that has gotten the shaft from the Western gaming community. A game that takes an incredible amount of perverse pleasure in making you feel like a dirty, disgusting human being, and before too long, asks you to take a seat.

Right over there.

Today's review is the Japanese jailbait touchy-touchy simulator, Gal*Gun.

Gal*Gun starts off innocently enough, with a story that we can truly all relate to. As a young, lonely boy in high school, you realize you're horribly unattractive and will never, ever get a date, even with that really desperate one. You know the one I mean. You decide that your life is essentially over, and pretty much give up.

The end.

But then one day, a half naked 12 year old angel visits you, apparently sympathizing with your plight, but unable to 'help' because she isn't 13 yet. She bestows upon you the power to get your one true love, but, being a 12 year old clutz, instead makes you attractive to everyone in the all-girl school that you are inexplicably creeping around in. Because Japan has morals this presents a problem, so, of course, there is a solution.

You are given a diminutive pistol that has the ability to shoot your pheromones all over the place. And seriously, I mean all over the place, even in the classroom.

And so, the quest for true love begins. Armed with an infinite supply of male jellymones and a strong conscience, you set out to cover all the girls in your pheromones so you can get to that special girl and cover her in your pheromones. It's a classic tale dating as far back as Leonardo D. Caprio's portrayal of Romeo in the classic Shakespearean play.

The gameplay is simple, you move a cursor on screen, either using the vibrating Dualyshocker controller or the appropriately phallic Playstation Move. As a purist, I actually recommend using the Move, as it greatly adds to the immersion factor. The game essentially plays like a light gun shooter, except for the majority of the game, you're firing blanks.

You can instantly satisfy a lady, as in real life, by shooting her in the crotch, or other sexy regions, which will help you 'clear a room' much faster. When you build up enough points, or something, you can opt to take one of the girls (which, remember, you don't love and want nothing to do with) into a special touchy love mode. This allows you to basically [censored] the girl until she just can't take any more and submits to your manliness.

This has the added benefit of swaying every girl in the room, as your prominent display shows everyone that they clearly can't handle your man handle. But it's not all kittens and rainbows, because more are waiting right around the corner, so strategic use of your male dominance is key to survival. Or something.

This is also where the Move really shines, as this mode allows you to waggle the controller in real time to help you in your goal.

Because you are scored on each level, there is definitely rapelay value to be had. Beyond trying for better scores, you can also try to swoon several different girls throughout the school. They each have unique dialog, interesting personalities, and are definitely special for their brains, and stuff. Each also has a unique mini game attached to them, from playing guitar to being abducted by tentacle monsters, so you'll maybe never get bored.

Graphically, Gal*Gun really shines. Environments are bland, feature blurry textures and look ported from a Playstation 2 game. But the onslaught of teenage girls are rendered with extreme attention to detail, each featuring different outfits and underwear, all of which can be customized to your 'heart's' content. The game also features dialog from several actual Japanese people, which is a plus.

Of special mention is the game's pause screen. Knowing that federal agents could raid your home at any moment, Gal*Gun smartly camouflages it's pause menu as an old 8-bit arcade game, thus absolving you of any wrong doing until the Start button is hit again. It also works equally well if your significant other walks in the room ans asks why you spend all your time playing video games. Never before has a game truly had this much attention to detail.

So in the end, if that's what you're into, Gal*Gun is one of those games. One of those games that is a game, with those things I mentioned. It sits on a shelf, hoping no one will notice it, and if they do, then suddenly everyone starts to feel ashamed. They ask what it is, and you don't have a response, instead choosing to argue that you bought it for the dialog and deep gameplay.

Is it right for you? If you said no, then you're likely a thriving individual with lots of friends and a happy relationship. Good for you.

If you answered yes, then you might want to have a seat.

Right next to me.

This embarassing review is based on the PS3 version which is region free. The game is also available and equally shame inducing on Xbox 360.

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