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RenegadePanda avatar 3:47 PM on 04.26.2013  (server time)
Triple R Theater: Autobahn Polizei

If you're like me, you're just sick and tired of reading all these professional reviews about boring, relevant games that come out practically every day. You ask yourself, where are the reviews I care about? Well don't worry because I'm here to help. More importantly, Renegade's Random Review theater is here to help.

Today's review covers the controversial world of British accents and police brutality with striking attention to detail. A game that truly speaks as a bold statement against the 'man' and possibly the 'woman' too. No, it's not my award winning documentary, "England Is Invading: Hide Your Pudding!", but it's the next best thing. It's Autobahn Polezi. Poleezi? Poelzi...?

Autobahn Polenta?

Autobarn Polezwei is backwards from the start. Upon starting your car for the first time, the game directs you to drive somewhere, but that's not the messed up part. You're instructed to drive on the wrong side of the road, further complicated by the fact that everyone is driving on the wrong side of the road. What's worse is that driving on the correct side causes head on collisions at a shockingly high rate. It's like the game is set in some kind of bizarro backwards country across the ocean, instead of America where all the good video games take place.

Once you're used to that, the game goes one step further by putting your speed, and other critical measurements, into some kind of strange alternate language. The game assumes you know what a "kilometer" is, which I can only assume is like those news stories where people buy kilo's of things and then get arrested right after. Playing this game must be exactly like breaking the law, so I have to be careful.

Okay, so say you've finally decoded the entirety of the Scribbleese language, it's time to drive. You only get one car at the beginning, because you're undercover, or something like that. The car handles well enough, assuming your car handles like a bowel movement after a particularly spicy bowl of soggy noodles. After a bit of dialogue involving you and your partner, who I'm pretty sure isn't a real cop, you drive to a predetermined location and...well, cop stuff I guess.

One mission has you racing to a checkpoint, which in turn starts a mission where you have to follow some truck because some guys stole some car. In order to stop them, you have to smash their escort cars into helpless pedestrians before jumping out of the car into the truck to save the other car. Apparently this is a really nice car, at least that's what the dispatch lady says.

Between those exciting missions, you're free to drive around and abuse your police authority to basically destroy the city of...whatever city you're in. You can try to run people over, or just smash into those stupid advertisements that have been plaguing the city for years. Apparently this is all perfectly acceptable to the government and associated agencies, because you get rewarded for doing it.

And that's where Authbain Calzoni's true value starts to shine. Ramming your car into things is good. Speeding is fine, cars are expendable, pedestrians will always jump out of the way at the last second, and causing several billion dollars worth of damage is perfectly acceptable to save a $250,000 automobile.

In addition to driving, you also have some tools at your disposal, seemingly picked from the dumpsters behind James Bond's apartment. Remember the RCXD from Black Ops? You get one of those, except you have to control it while driving, and it somehow manages to be even more unwieldy that the noodle poop you launched it from. Once you position it directly under a car, you can blow it up, which seems like it would have been perfect for blowing up those escort cars earlier. You know, just saying.

Now, on to the graphics, clearly the most important part of the game. The graphics here are chock full of emotion, be it the cars, the environments or the wonderful variety of colors on display. The game is also full of genuine humor (or humour, if you're watching in Scribbleese) and truly made me happy inside. I also liked the stellar voice acting and top notch production valu...

Wait, hold on.

Sorry, that was my Blu Ray copy of Cars playing on HDMI 2.

Well, this is embarrassing, anyway, back to the game. The graphics look decent enough, the car looks like a car, and the tables on the roadside cafe's look just like the ones I just saw at the hardware store. The biggest problem here is that the gauges take up an unnecessary amount of screen space, presumably to highlight JUST HOW FAST AND EXCITING the game truly is.

And the more you play, the more exciting it gets. More cars, more missions where you follow some guy, more thought provoking dialogue. You'll never want it to end, because you'll be so flabbergasted by the amount of fun you're having, that your brain will cease all logical thought processes. Before you know it, you will be drooling all over your half eaten ham sandwich, staring at the television in awe.

So should you buy Autobeen Poopzien? No, you really shouldn't. Despite my glowing praise, I can't think of a single reason why anyone would play this game. It's quite telling that the first game, called Crash Time, was so poorly received (maybe because of this "kilometer" nonsense) that they had to rename this sequel in the US. Maybe they had good intentions, or maybe they heard about my up and coming band, Crash Time, but the fact remains that this game...

Isn't worth pursuing.

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