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The Short Version: Episode Zero - Destructoid




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About
Oh, you say you like stupid YouTube videos?
I do that sometimes.

'Teaches You Things' Series:

Modurn Warfairz

Grand Auto Thiefman

Jakuzi 3

Who am I? Well, I am many things.

A mentor? A motivator? A free spirit?

None of those things are what I am.

What I am am is just your average guy. Living out my life in relative peace, trying to make a living in this rough and tumble world. An aspiring game designer, you might call me, I wast...erm...spend 2.5 years of my life going to school for said aspiration as well. What will come of this dream? Hell if I know.

But beyond that, I'm your typical gamer. I play a bit of everything, here and there. Anything from shooters to obscure Japanese fare is in my history, I've also been found scrolling through lines of Japanese dialogue, pretending like I can read it. Pretty fun, right?

I'm a 360 guy mainly, it serves as my main platform. I also have a PS3 and a Wii of course, along with several other consoles which I will list below because, well, I feel like it. Listing things passes the time, makes the world go round.

As I said, shooters and action games grab my attention mostly, I do dabble in RPGS (but never seem to finish them) as well as adventure games and the like. I'll play and enjoy just about anything, so long as it isn't an MMO. I have stories about that, but I'll tell you later.

Some of my favorite games of all time?

Jet Set Radio
Shenmue
Phantasy Star Online
Dig Dug
Ouendan
Phoenix Wright
Trauma Center
Taiko No Tatsujin
Metal Gear Solid
Halo Trilogy
Katamari Damacy (+ Sequels)
Time Crisis (+ Sequels)
Mass Effect
Deus Ex
Phantom Crash
Phantom Dust
Ninja Gaiden 1, 2 and 3
Super Mario
Starfox (+ 64)
Goldeneye
Perfect Dark

There are several more, but too many to list here. I own several systems, most of which I don't find the time to play.

Xbox 360 (Modern Warfare 2)
Xbox 360 (Resident Evil 5)
Xbox 360 HD-DVD Drive
PS3 40GB
Wii
Xbox
PS2 Slim
PSX
PSP (Carnival Bright Yellow)
DSi (Black)
Dreamcast
Sega Saturn
GBC (Pokemon)
GBC (Translucent Purple)
GBA SP (Nintendo Classic)
Nintendo 64 (Black, Gold)
Nintendo 64 (Pikachu Edition)
Game Gear
Super NES
NES
Retro Duo
Neo Geo Pocket (Camo)
Neo Geo Pocket Color (Silver)
Colecovision (+ Atari 2600 adapter)

I have a modest collection of games for most of them, I buy more every now and then when money allows, and I'm always looking for more. It's a bit of a hobby, I guess. An expensive one at that. Favorite system would have to be the Dreamcast. Why? I'll write a blog about it someday. Next to that would be my 64.

I own a Power Glove as mandated by Nerd Law.

So if you can't tell by now I'm somewhat of an addict. I usually go out of my way to own or secure unusual or rare looking video game stuff, and sometimes wind up buying things just for the sake of owning them. Why do I have a Japanese Guncon 2? I'm not sure yet.

So there you have it, that's me. I'm a pretty friendly guy, I suppose. I like tacos, anime and long walks on the beach. Just your average person, right?

I like to think so.
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Welcome one, welcome all, to a new thing I decided to do. The Short Version is, and could be, a continuing series in which I take a game and try to summarize it in one picture or less. The results will be comical, boring, stupid, disgusting, infuriating and completely inaccurate, but that's the fun, right?. Today's episode contains some of the greatest games of all time, including yours!

So if you think you're ready, read on, and discover what it truly means to be better than everyone else.

*If your favorite game isn't included, it clearly sucks.



What is Halo? Is it a sweeping tale of galactic conflict, heroes, villains, uncharted worlds and space marines? Hardly. All this is filler, stupid, pointless filler story that has actually nothing to do with the real game. As shown above, Halo pretty much boils down to killing aliens, which is pretty generic and dumb, and clearly only designed for 10 year olds with no concept of what a game should be.

The Short Version: Halo is Aliens.



But, hey, at least Halo tried. Enter God of War, a game with absolutely no story whatsoever. Kratos, the games main character, is basically just a pissed off white guy who takes out his anger on everyone around him. Instead of dealing with his emotions in a proper manner, he goes off and starts murdering a bunch of Gods and half naked ladies with wings on their back. And when his arms get tired from swinging those meat cleavers around all day, he has sex with whatever woman he can find.

The Short Version: God Of War is pretty much an episode of Jerry Springer.



Sonic. He's a hedgehog. He's a hero, gonna take pollution down to...wait, wrong thing. Is Sonic a prickly little hero trying to save his universe from certain destruction? Is he an inspiration to painfully cuddly creatures everywhere? Only if you're an idiot. Sonic has an addiction. An addiction for ring shaped objects which he steals from others or finds lying on the ground. He can't seem to stop, and every day his craving grows stronger, before we know it he will be trading sexual favors just to get his fix.

The Short Version: Sonic is why kids do drugs.



Does this one even need explanation? Heavy Rain, the best, worst movie ever, has no gameplay whatsoever, and a story that revolves around silly people doing even sillier things for no reason at all. As far as I can tell, all of Heavy Rain involves running around some mall, screaming random names just to realize that you don't actually know anyone by that name, and that the fat guy is actually the killer.

The Short Version: Heavy Rain is Jason.



Modern Warfare 2, a game that needs no introduction, but is getting one anyway. A game full of completely realistic and feasible situations, MW2 is the pinnacle of military simulation. We all know people can lunge 20 feet in real life, or survive a shotgun blast to the head, so it makes sense that these things also happen in the game. That's probably why it's the best game ever, way better than some other un-named Battlefield 2: Not-So-Friendly Company type video game. Not to mention, MW2 has Predator missiles.

The Short Version: Modern Warfare is the most logical (and best) game ever made.



A personal favorite of mine, the Metal Gear games have always featured a convoluted story and a bunch of theoretical technology that might or might not exist in an underground base in Japan. But that illusion is crushed once you find out the entire game is you discovering that, of all things, Metal Gear is involved. Metal Gear? That's right. This changes everything. What was once a simple terrorist plot to explode the world is now a complicated plot to blow up the world with nuclear weapons obtained from South America, or something. The country doesn't really matter.

The Short Version: Metal Gear is...Metal Gear?!
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