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Jakuzi 3 Teaches You Things

by RenegadePanda   //   10:10 PM on 03.19.2010



Not only is Yakuza 3 the most complete Japanese simulator ever released on any system, it also teaches you several very important, extremely violent life lessons. Do you not believe me? Then you owe me 100,000 yen. Through the magic of television, I will share with you the important semi-anger management lessons I have learned from Yakuza 3.

You may notice that this edition is not held to the same standards as the previous two. I believe that it is still just as enjoyable, and the best experience you will find in my blog. I had to make some very important decisions when creating it, and I hope you will understand and enjoy it regardless. I always strive to deliver a complete product, and believe I have done so here.

So sit back, relax, and give me that 100,000 yen. I have a date tonight.



That's right, a date. I met her at the Smile Burger, which I'm told is where all the high class dudes meet their corresponding dudette. In fact, after I date one girl from the burger joint, another appears in her place, this time cuter than the last. Not to mention that these girls are somehow impressed by, of all things, my singing. All I have to do is shout at some TV screen and she melts in my pants.

At least until the next morning, when she tells me that Yakuza have abducted her mother and are going to kill off her entire family unless they get 100,000 yen (I told you, I need it). Guess who has to deal with that?

Relationships blow.



Thankfully, grace, poise, majesty and similar adjectives bare no meaning in modern Japan. Instead of civil conversations, negotiations and friendly trips to the golf course, all problems are solved directly through violence. Instead of acting like a normal, healthy individual; instead opting to act like a homicidal jackass with nothing better to do.

But that's OK, as violence solves everything in Japan. Guy make fun of your hair? Beat the crap out of him. You think my taste in women is cheap? Then taste this pole as I SHOVE YOUR FACE INTO IT. Now who's the jackass, jackass?



Apparently, everyone is the jackass. Since all of Japan solves violence with violence, plus added violence, it only makes violent sense that other violent residents would be violent too. But wait, you say, isn't it a little harsh just to take your aggression out on anyone who walks down the road? Not here! In fact, the best way to make yourself feel better is by randomly attacking the first person you see.

Oh, you need a reason?

Well...your shirt is red. And I hate red shirts. I'm going to beat the living crap out of you for wearing that red shirt, then maybe next time you'll think twice before wearing it again. Unless, of course, you give me your wallet.



So now you're in a fight, but there aren't any weapons around. Or are there? No, not really.

But wait...there's a couch over there. And a sign. And a table. Little did you know, everyday household items can be used, masterfully, as self defense items. No gun? Try using that sofa. No katana? Why not use a bench? When you think about it, a bench is pretty much the seating equivalent of a sword anyway, so it makes perfect sense!

They always say you shouldn't bring a knife to a gunfight, and they're right. You should bring a couch.



So after all this hot, sweaty, man-fighting, what does a man do to relax? If you're a real man, you play the UFO Catcher at Club SEGA. Anyone can button mash in Blurbua Fighter 62, or press one button to shoot lazor beams in that spaceship game, but it takes true skill to win a small plush cat. Or even a frog. Dawww, they're so cuuuute...erm, anyway.

Hey, I got one! Yes! It's almost there! Just a little....

...Screw this game.



As I said before, I strive to deliver a full and complete product. However, due to time constraints, this content was cut because I believed it would not fully resonate with the audience. Rest assured, this blog still has a lot to see and do, and the deleted content was not necessary to the enjoyment of the overall piece.

I believe you will still be able to understand the story and all related references, thus not subtracting from your enjoyment in any way. Thank you for your continued support of RenegadePanda; where the community always comes first.Photo Photo Photo view gallery
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