CAUTION: THIS CONTAINS SPOILERS FROM THE HEAVY RAIN DEMO.

That is the question I must ask. You see, while the internet is still arguing about what to call Heavy Rain, I've been faced with a quandary myself. A question that I must answer before the end of February, a question which could very well affect me for the rest of my life. I've never faced anything like this before, and it's all thanks to Heavy Rain. Well, the demo, at least.

You see, like some of you, I was finally able to access Precinct 56kajillion yesterday and claim an undeserved code for the demo of Heavy Rain, which then required me to make a UK account to redeem. I also made a Japanese account, but I'll write about that later. Ahem, yes, the demo. After several hours of bullshit and a few strokes of luck, not to mention several distractions, I finally got the damned thing. And I played it. And...well.

Hm.

You see, Heavy Rain is...different. You know that, I'm sure, but it's not the kind of different you're thinking of. At least, I don't think you're thinking of. As the gaming world continues to divide over this uncategorized piece of fiction, I attempted to set my preconceived notions aside and just enjoy the demo. After all, I'm extremely excited for Heavy Rain. At least, I think.



That's the problem. I really don't know what I think of it. In fact, I couldn't even tell you if I liked it or disliked it. I can't explain how it plays, how it feels or how it looks. I can't really find the correct phrase to describe it. But I will try. I warn you, what follows may be completely incomprehensible.

Upon starting the HR demo, I was greeted with a menu. Simple enough, at least this game isn't so radically different as to not have a traditional menu. There are even difficulty options and other familiar things that exist in traditional games. So far, this is pretty comfortable. The background is simple and dark with a lot of rain, plus additional rain.

And there is also...a tutorial?

Since the game has been fantastically panned as a 'QTE fest' I was curious as to what this tutorial would entail. What could it possibly tell me? Hit the correct buttons? So I started the tutorial, just to satisfy my curiosity while keeping the cat alive at the same time. As I thought, the tutorial was pretty close to my sarcastic comments above. The majority of the tutorial, well, all of it, consisted of explaining the prompts which in turn consist of me pressing a button or moving a stick.

I didn't really need a tutorial for that.

What I did need the tutorial for was probably the most obscure thing you could ever need a tutorial for. Walking forward. That's right, walking. Heavy Rain requires you to hold down R2 in order to walk. In case that still hasn't set in, I'll say it again.

Heavy Rain requires you to hold a button to walk, the most basic of game mechanics ever introduced.

Now I can understand the vision here, walking requires minimal physical interaction, which is portrayed by holding said button down to walk. It's a novel idea, but it gets really, really, extremely annoying a few minutes in. But of course HR is about more than just walking.

So I started the first level, appropriately named 'Sleazy Place' or something like that. It opens in a sleazy place, an apartment complex to be specific, with the player playing as a typical overweight cop who was probably kidnapped from the set of Law & Order specifically for this game. I was apparently looking for some girl who lived there.

I began knocking on doors, which involved a quick arcing motion with the right stick. If done properly, I knocked on a door. This being a video game, all the incorrect doors were locked, and the only response I got was muffled sexual noises (this is a sleazy place, after all). After each knock, I had to execute a reverse arc in order to walk a way from the door. Repeat several times.

I finally got to the right door, and the lady answered. She quickly attempted to shut the door on me when I said something, initiating another quick time event. Pressing X as quickly as I could, I stopped her from closing the door on me. Showed her, yes I did. Since I have a hard time failing intentionally, I have no idea what would have happened if she successfully shut me out. Being a cop, I assume I would have just kicked the door in.

So she let me in, assuming I wanted sex (she is a prostitute, by the way), and told me to leave 50 bucks on the table. 50 bucks for 10 minutes, no kissing and no weird shit, she said. What a rip off, she's not even that cute. Oh right, I have an investigation to conduct.

So I begin asking her questions as she quickly realizes I'm a cop and not a diseased man looking for sex. This displeases her apparently, as she becomes angry and stubborn and refuses to talk to me. With a little good cop/bad cop, she begins to open up a bit. During this whole conversation, 'thoughts' float around my head with various buttons aside them. This is how you choose your conversation options. During this whole bit you are free to move around the apartment. So I sat down next to her.

I'm such a gentleman.

After asking all my questions, she gets angry for me bringing up her murdered son and begins to cry. She tells me to get out. Naturally, I stay and give her a kleenex, peek out her window, and leave her my card. When I'm out of events that might possibly get my fifty bucks back, I leave the apartment.

As I walk out, a diseased man looking for sex passes by me. He looks like he just robbed several convenience stores of all their Doritos. He quickly approaches the door of the apartment I just left. He knocks and raises his voice, asking for dirty sex with the woman I just made cry. When she says no, he becomes violent and forces his way in, slamming the door behind him. Shouts can be heard.

I go back and knock on the door. The crazy guy answers the door, like any good criminal would, and asks what I want. When he slams the door in my face, I do what any good cop would do. Kick the f*king door down. I run in to find her on the floor with the man above her. He turns and starts acting tough. But I can take him, after all, this guy is bald and probably full of Doritos brand tortilla chips.

What follows is the single longest QTE session in any videogame, ever. A solid 3-5 minutes of straight QTE's which are set to a fight scene between me and the man. Punches are thrown, bottles are smashed, heads are slammed into mirrors. The usual fight stuff. You can afford to miss QTE's, however I'm not sure how many. I missed maybe 4 or 5 of the 20 or 30 something involved. I won the fight, by the way. The lady thanks me (but keeps my 50 bucks) and I question her more. Things get answered, and the scene comes to a close.

On to the second level.

The second level is played from a different perspective. Now, instead of being a cop, I'm an FBI agent. Instead of a tan overcoat, I have a suit. Instead of asthma, I have digital super glasses and a power glove. This level is set by some train tracks, where a man was apparently murdered. The super glasses let me see evidence on the ground and even magically tell me where the evidence originated from. Somehow, the glasses know that this boot print came from that one guy, and not that other. Technology at it's finest.

This level plays out more like an episode of CSI, rather than Law & Order. Clues are gathered, connections drawn, policemen annoyed, the usual CSI stuff. Aside from collection of evidence, everything plays the same here. This segment does introduce one of HR's more creative QTE sequences, however.

At one point you need to climb an extremely not-steep hill which is slippery and hard to climb, apparently. This is done through a series of consecutive button holds. Two buttons appear at a time, you have to hold each until they are replaced with a new button. This continues for 3 sequences until you reach the top. Designed to make you feel uncomfortable, as if you were doing this in real life, and it succeeds in this area. The uncomfortable part, not the realism part.

Above the hill, more evidence, then back down said hill through a series of trigger taps to simulate stumbling down a hill. If you fail, you aren't punished beyond virtual embarrassment in front of your inferiors. And even so, who cares? You have bitchin' digital DNA reading glasses and a power glove. They have raincoats.

Basically, the evidence collecting and QTE sequence are the only new things introduced here, so explaining any further would be a waste of time.

That brings us to the conclusion. What do I think? What should you think? What is Heavy Rain? Is it fun? Should I buy it? Is it a steaming pile of pretentious video game crap?

I can only explain through a series of complex contradictions.

Heavy Rain is boring as hell to play, but I still enjoyed playing it.

Heavy Rain is new and different, but it feels like all of this has been done before in a less complex fashion.

The controls are interesting and fresh, but tedious and unnecessary.

The narrative is great, but it could be so much better.

Heavy Rain clearly has it's share of inspirations, from the aforementioned TV shows to movies, and to a lesser extent, games. It feels somewhat similar to Shenmue, although much more linear and restricted. The game looks great, with graphics that will definitely be remembered as some of the best on the PS3, and the overall atmosphere is done very well.

But to judge HR is scientifically impossible. It's not something that can be judged. To review HR would be unfair, as this game manages to be both a game and not a game at the same time. On gameplay alone, arguably the most important factor, Heavy Rain would score a 3 out of 10. Were it a movie, the narrative elements might score it a 3.5 or 4 star rating.

But the mixture of the two brings something that can only be called an acquired taste.