In an attempt to build up an adequate fail blog streak, I present the following. If Bioshock 2 CE for 77 bucks wasn't good enough, now I found this at a far away Bookmans. Something that immediately got me more excited that whatever that last thing was, because this is way cooler. I swear to god this will be the last pointless 'look at this' blog I write, ever. Promise. And I'll work on a new 'Teaches you things' sometime tonight or tomorrow. Promise.

NOW OMG HOLY CRAP LOOK!



Straight from a distant planet known as 1981, this thing is loaded with a 4 level, shameless rip off of Galaxian. It has 4 difficulties and buttons, plus a working stick thingy! To my surprise, this thing still works like it was new, which it almost is. It's like a giant ball of awesome 1980's video game nostalgia in one small (well, large) package. But don't take my word for it, read the box!



Looking back at this produces what is likely the biggest video game marketing related laugh you'll ever laugh. Now I love Galaxian and Galaga as much as the next guy, but I would love to find a 1980's person and have them tell me how 'exciting' and 'ultra modern' this game is. I know, technology back then was different but still. I love this thing, actually.



It plays just like you'd expect, you move the ship and shoot lazors at aliens that ride dangerously on the line between the words 'copyright' and 'infringement' if those words even existed back then. The sheer fact that this thing was made 6 years before I was born is reason enough for me to own it. This peice of plastic is older than I am, still in better shape, and works a hell of a lot more efficiently than I do. Awesome!

Plus, it uses something called a 'C' battery, which I assumed were weeded out due to natural selection. I went to find these archaic devices and had (yes, HAD) to buy 8 of them, since that was the only quantity and brand they sold them in. It's fun to, because these batteries have the same GPA I had in high school.

So yeah, this thing is my new 1981 baby. Oh, did I mention it makes 'realistic' 1981 explosions and sounds? YEAH! AND DID YOU SEE THAT ADVANCED AI? It has like 6 different modes of movement. Neat!

It seems in this day and age, the very second a popular game is released across the Xbox 360 and PS3, we feel the need to immediately compare the two, scrutinize them, find a flaw with one version and then declare the other 'inferior.' Why, exactly, do we do this? Everyone has their preference of system, which in a way makes us all fanboys of some nature, but why can't we just let two versions of a game exist without fighting like children? Why can't we all just get the f*ck along?

Now I'm not immune to this effect, I enjoy arguing about graphics and system superiority as much as the next guy, but I don't see it as a way to degrade one system, instead trying to defend the other. If someone blasts 360 for having inferior graphics, I'll defend it with reasons why I prefer the 360 version. If someone spouts nonsensical arguments about a game like Bioshock looking better on 360, I'll call that out too. But from my time here, and the internet in general, I've learned that arguments of graphical superiority almost always devolve into one system being inferior over another.



Before beginning, I have a confession to make. I used to be an Xbox fanboy of sorts. I would defend my system to the grave if necessary, and if you told me something was better on PS2 or PS3, I would never believe you. I don't know where that loyalty came from, I mean, I had my launch 360 die within a week of buying it, after sitting outside for 14 hours straight to get it. You'd think if anyone would absolutely disgust Microsoft, it would be me.

But I stayed with them, for the games, for the community, for my friends, for the controller I learned to love. Little things, big things, medium sized things. A lot went into that, and to this day some of it remains. But then one day, something happened, I bought a PS3. I bought it for Metal Gear Solid 4, a game I touted as being one of the most beautiful games ever for some time. I slowly began playing games on it, exclusives here and there, but never anything multiplatform. I still prefer the 360 controller, but that's me. Over the years I've really grown attached to the shiny thing, recently beating Uncharted (yeah, the first one).

So now that I own both HD systems, I'm faced with this horrible decision that arises every time a new multiplatform game comes out. Which system do I buy it for? To this, I generally look to the internet to identify the strengths and weaknesses of a given version. But that's where the graphics comparison always rears it's ugly head. It's just always there, like clockwork, someone releases a set of screenshots in an attempt to prove superiority. Now that would be fine if it stopped there.

But as any avid internet user will tell you, this will always result in fanboy riot.



So I'm here to throw out my opinions on this war, what I think, why I think it, what it means to me, to you, and to the industry. How do we factor in to this war? Why do we even care? In order to understand, we need to look at both sides of the argument. No doubt you have taken one of them.

The 'Superiority' Side

The superiority side craves for what their name implies. They want their system to have superior graphics, they need their system to have superior graphics. If it does, they can freely bash the opposing system, and have won. If it doesn't, they become aggressive and begin making excuses as to why the game looks the way it does, often throwing in lots of specs or technical jargon as makeshift weapons.

The 'Equality' Side

The equality side are a different case. They generally want a game to look and run equally across both systems so that both sides share the same experience. Some of these people simply don't care about graphics and simply want to avoid the arguments involved. Some of them might just be hiding their fanboy ideals. Whatever the case, this side generally sacrifices certain graphical elements in order to even the playing field.

The superiority side is driven by human instinct, the need to win, to succeed. That is perfectly normal, and of course, necessary in everyday life. Without a will to do better than someone else, you can't ever expect to advance. The equality side, in contrast, is driven by the idea that no one needs to be superior, and that we can all exist side by side with no conflict. Of course, most of us know that goal is unrealistic. Peace cannot exist without war.

And that's when the shit hits the fan.

Now, graphics used to be a big thing, back when consoles constantly battled to have more bits than their competitor, more colors and a better GPU. But as technology advances, consoles slowly get closer and closer, and graphics suddenly become a battle of draw distances, pop up, and random bits of foliage. And that's where I start to question this entire argument.

In fact, what sparked this was a recent comparison between Final Fantasy XIII's graphics between the 360 and PS3. We all know it will look better on PS3, after all it was developed for PS3 in the first place, and I will certainly buy my copy on PS3. But as I read the article attached to said comparison, I began to notice just how unbelievably determined we are to choose a superior and mock the inferior.



The comparison listed several examples of the 360's lesser status, while they are all valid points, I begin to question. Why do we care about a missing bush in the distance? Why do we care about having a slightly lower resolution grass texture? And who in their right might will ever notice a difference that can only be spotted when zoomed in 600% on a targeted area?

While overall resolutions were listed, the shots from eye distance both look really good. In fact, both versions look beautiful graphically, and showcase what are probably some of the best visuals on either system. But yet, everyone still marks the 360 version as inferior due to a missing blade of grass or small irregularity.

Tell me, why can't we just agree the game looks great on both platforms? Are we really so caught up in our battles that we can't just step back and admire what a game does right, instead of what it does wrong? I don't, and wouldn't, label the 360 version as inferior. It's just different. To say that increased resolution makes a better game is simply idiotic, yet that's what so many people are already trying to do.

I'd like to cite, if I may, the examples of Oblivion and Bioshock when remade for the PS3. Both of these games were previously 360 exclusives, both featured great gameplay and had graphics that were downright amazing for their time. Of course, when the games came to PS3 much later, they received a huge graphical boost. Immediately, those who once labeled the 360 versions as beautiful were now mocking it for the lack of resolution and graphical elements.



But the game played exactly the same. Both games were still fun on both systems. But the 360 version was labeled inferior.

So now we are suddenly back to the idea that graphics are more important than gameplay, an idea that most people think they disagree with. But we continue. We never stop. We obsess. And above all, we fail to realize what really matters.

We need to move on.

We need to drop this attitude and just admit that just because a game doesn't look the same, it can still be just as good. That we can enjoy a game equally regardless of graphical differences. When we can do that, maybe we can take a step beyond the graphical war, and beyond the console war and rediscover that what really matters is playing the game.

Hot of the heels of the rumored DS2 announcement, I have found something even better. Introducing Nintendo's newest handheld announcement, the QSi. The QSi is the true successor to the DS, and represents a new era of technology.



As you can see, the QSi has 4 screens. It also includes 4 styli and comes with 4 speakers built into the system. Additionally, the QSi comes equipped with 4 external cameras as well as 2 internal cameras. The system itself is approximately 12 inches in length, designed to fit easily into your pocket. All QSi's will have access to QSiWare, which will feature several clock applications for the gamer on the go. The QSi is also launching with the most highly anticipated game, ever.



That's right. Statistic Tracker, the newest game from Activision, is set to be the biggest launch title for the QSi. Stat Tracker allows players to manage and edit up to 4 spreadsheet databases at any given time using a variety of in game tools. The game features avatar support and has online support for up to 4 players. Competitive and Cooperative modes are included.

So if you were about to give in to the hype behind the DS2, you should probably think twice. The QSi is right around the corner, and it will kick your ass. Preorder yours today and receive a special QSi only download of Mario Calculator.

Have you beaten Uncharted 2? Have you Prestiged 15 thousand times in Modern Warfare 2? Have you 100 percented (fill in the blank) RPG? Sounds like you need something else to play. Something new? Something fresh?

Instead of doing that, why not try something a little...crappier. A game that has very few, if any, redeeming qualities. Games that are so bad, they can sometimes be good. Games that change your perspective. Games that make you question the very existance of video games in the first place. A really good bad game can do many things.

There are several games out there, but there are a few that really stick out. Games that had great concepts, had successful sequels or just suck so much that the rest of the world looks better by comparison.



Haze (First Person Shooter, PS3)

Haze is a great place to start your journey into terrible gaming. It's one of those games that took a nose dive in every single possible area. One of the few games in the world that has absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Most people you meet will advise you not to touch Haze, let alone play it, for fear that you very well could die in the process. So why am I telling you to play it?

Because Haze will immediately change your viewpoint on first person shooters, and games in general. From the minute you pop it into your PS3, to the moment (likely less than an hour later) you take it out, you will be overwhelmed with the constant stream of mediocrity that is Haze. You think Modern Warfare 2 sucks? Think again. Want to bitch about Halo? Try an hour of Haze.

So if you think you hate a game, try playing Haze. You'll soon realize game X could have been much, much worse.



Bullet Witch (Third Person Shooter, Xbox 360)

Bullet Witch had the potential to be a great game. It has a cute, non-sexualized female lead, a ridiculous 'broom' that doubles as 4 different guns, zombies, Dreamcast hair, magical tornados and plenty of explosions and cheesy Japanese dialog.

But the result is a third person shooter than only people like me would actually enjoy. The game has essentially one enemy type, lifeless shooting mechanics, bland level design, generic graphics and a story that never goes anywhere at all. To top it off, the game is full of cheap deaths and glitches.

But despite all this, the entire experience manages to nail the 'so cheesy it works' style, and for that it should definately be experienced. From the campy dialog to the cookie cutter characters, it's like the playable version of the worst movie you've ever watched, with a witch as the main character.



Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad (Third Person Action, Xbox 360/Wii)

A natural progression from Bullet Witch, Onechanbara ditches the emotionally defined, non sexualized female lead in favor of an over sexualized, fully defined but also half naked lead. Onechanbara is one of those games that should have never been localized, especially considering the series originated on PS2 in Japan.

So why should you play it?

Well, if you enjoy half naked girls slaying zombies, the selling is done. Aside from this, the game features gameplay that will quickly make you appreciate the hack and slash offerings in any Dynasty Warriors, along with the graphics and storyline. Onechanbara is even more B-movie than Bullet Witch. And probably more B than any movie you have ever watched.



Mister Mosquito (Blood Sucking Flight Adventure, PS2)

To round out your Japanese weirdness, in comes Mister Mosquito. A game that is so weird, makes so little sense in almost every aspect, that it manages to captivate you in ways you never thought possible. A game that manages to be reasonably fun, despite being no fun at all. A game about flying around a room, and sucking blood.

The localization keeps all the Japanese naming conventions and style of the setting, but replaces all of the voice acting with completely generic, this-is-my-last-day voice actors that completely butcher anything even remotely Japanese in origin. Beyond that, you have awful flight controls (think Dark Void is bad?), boring sound and music and gameplay that requires a lot of overall luck.



Blue Stinger (Survival Horror, Dreamcast)

Remember how much you loved or hated Resident Evil? Well imagine a world where every mechanic Resident Evil has ever introduced is now broken and uninspired, and set in a future world where strange naked alien girls populate a city full of supermarkets. That's kind of what Blue Stinger is.

What makes it so horrible?

Blue Stinger has the worst controls of any SH game to date, and any of it's time. The controls in Resident Evil were amazing compared to BS's 1980's tank control. Beyond that, the graphics were presented in full 3D, but that 3D looked downright terrible. Couple that with the absolute worst English voice acting ever (and I mean ever), and you see what I'm talking about.

But what Blue Stinger does do well is the randomness. Things like being able to collect promotional tickets from the supermarket and win prizes really had no reason to exist, but they did. The naked alien girl? The horribly forced totally-not-codec sessions? The completely random collection of characters? All random as hell.



Counter Force (SHUMP, Wii)

A port of a Japanese arcade game, Counter Force is one of the worst games you'll probably never even find. CF had an extremely limited release in the states, most stores never even saw the title, Best Buy immediately sold it in the check out line bargain bin, and Gamestop/crazy had the game used for 8 bucks almost instantly.

Counter Force features advanced Dreamcast level graphics, an obscure control scheme, a debug list of options to change for seemingly no reason (game speed, screen shaking/angles, etc) and gameplay that most other SHUMPs would be embarassed to share the genre with. It also opens with the most uninspired-sounding man saying, "Counter Force, The Power Is You!"

It's like the Captain Planet of video games, or something.



Metal Gear (Action/Stealth, NES)

You may love Metal Gear Solid and it's various sequels and prequels, right? So you'd easily love the original source that the series grew from, right?

No.

Metal Gear is awful. Featuring the kind of bland, top down gameplay that didn't even pass back in the day, and certainly doesn't pass even with the retro revival of today's games. From the lack of any proper map options to insanely frustrating gameplay mechanics, horrible 'stealth' gameplay and a book full of questionable design choices, Metal Gear just isn't fun.

Why should you play it? Simply to experience video game evolution at it's finest. To see how a game of such mediocrity could grow up to be one of the most successful series of all time.



Rock Revolution (Music, PS3, Xbox 360, Wii)

So you love Rock Band or Guitar Hero? Maybe both? It's too bad there aren't any other music games for you to play then. But Rock Revolution has been there, and you've been ignoring it. Because it sucks. And I know it.

Made by Konami, the undisputed king and creator of music games, at least in Japan, Rock Revolution feartures some of the worst ideas ever crammed into a rhythm game. Every song is a horrible cover, sung by the horrible in-house band, even downloadable Benami songs are resung by the cover band. These are, without a doubt, the worst covers you'll ever hear. If there are any songs you like in Rock Revolution, I suggest you skip them, because RR will make you hate them. The note charts are flat, the graphics mediocre, etc, blah blah blah.

But you should play at least one part. The drums. Rock Revolution features one of the most random and incoherent music peripherals ever devised. Instead of 4 or 5 drum zones, you get a whopping seven. Instead of a kit that resembles drums, you get the control panel to a captured alien spacecraft. It's one of those things that is so overly confusing, you just have to try and master it, because no one else will.

Of course, there are many more horrible games out there, but maybe you should give these a try. I picked these because, well, I own them all. I enjoy them all to some extent too, and given the right mentality, you might be able to as well.

Except for Haze.

Years and years ago, SEGA used to be a big player in the video game industry. They had more consoles and obscure terminology than a NASA control center, and enough games to fill up a small country. They created memorable characters, pushed graphical limits, introduced some completely insane peripherals and pushed gaming forward as a whole in their own unique way. But of all their consoles, and all their innovation and unnecessary invention, one still holds a special place in my heart and childhood. Of course, that console is the beloved Dreamcast.



SEGA started out humble enough, looking for a slice of the gaming world. And, for awhile, they had it. SEGA didn't have the most popular of consoles, but they gained a solid following in the US and Japan while still being over shadowed by the likes of Nintendo. Who could forget the Genesis? A system infamous for ridiculous bulk, such as the Sega CD.

But as SEGA began to die down, technology did the opposite. As the price of tech dropped, Nintendo began stepping up their game, as did Sony, the relative newcomer in the equation. So now SEGA had to begin working on a true next-generation console to compete in the market and bring the company back to it's once solid standing. That effort was the Dreamcast.

Of course, we all know the Dreamcast didn't sell well. In fact, the Dreamcast is credited with having one of the worst launches in console history. But why? Consumers simply didn't relate to SEGA anymore, despite them having a quite powerful platform with a modest amount of unique and interesting features. I submit to you, that the Dreamcast was a success, not by numbers or sales, but by the impression it has left. Without further adieu, I present to you the top reasons why the Dreamcast is the best console ever.

The Visual Memory Unit (VMU)



Any game system can have a memory card, stick, pack or expansion, but only the Dreamcast had a memory card that sounds like a component on military grade mech. Take it upon SEGA to craft a name that not only describes what the device does, but also sounds far more complicated than it actually is. Add to that the abbreviation VMU and suddenly saving your game just got a hell of a lot cooler.



Beyond the name, the VMU had several other standout features that no other memory unit dared to approach. The screen allowed a variety of uses in and out of games, it could be as simple and pointless as a game logo, or as integrated as showing your health status in Resident Evil. Each VMU also has a user icon you can set, and software for your PC actually allowed you to draw your own icons and pictures, pixel by pixel, and transfer them to the VMU.

And if that weren't enough, lets not forget the games. No, not the Dreamcast games, the VMU games. Sure, there weren't many, but that doesn't matter because you're playing Snake on the device that just saved your progress in Skies of Arcadia. And if that weren't enough enough you could even raise your Chao's on the damned thing. Anywhere, anytime. You can also play interact with fellow VMU owners via the linking functionality.

The Online Functionality



What we now take for granted didn't always exist back in the elder days. Online gaming is now all the rage with almost every game supporting it, but it wasn't always perceived that way. When the Dreamcast was released, it came with a built in dial up modem. Was it hailed as the greatest addition of all time? Hardly, the Dreamcast online connectivity was often ignored or mocked by the masses as pointless and gimmicky, which ultimately lead to only a few games supporting major online functions.

But eat their words, the public did, when games like Phantasy Star Online went on to develop a huge following of devoted players (myself being one of them). This was easily the biggest victory for the Dreamcast's radical new decision, though other games such as Quake 3, Unreal Tournament and Outtrigger also supported online multiplayer as well. Other games like Jet Grind Radio allowed players to connect online and swap graffiti designs with others, only the tip of a few unique features.

The Dreamcast Web Browser also helped solidify the practicality of a console based web connection. While nowadays the concept of a child alone in their room with open access to a web browser is either common or horribly frightening, back then it was new and rather exciting. Being able to browse the web without a computer was pretty slick, especially when in the swap of a disc you could be playing a game or listening to music.

The Games



Say what you will about the Dreamcast's short lifespan, but in that life came several of the best games of any generation since then. The Dreamcast played host to a number of popular titles, sporting one from every genre you could think of be it shooting, action, fighting, puzzle, racing or sports. Along side big titles like Soul Calubur, Dead or Alive 2, Sonic Adventure, Power Stone and Phantasy Star Online, there were also truly unique games like Jet Grind Radio, Chu Chu Rocket, Shenmue, Space Channel 5, Samba de Amigo and Seaman.

Many of the games that became popular on the Dreamcast went on to have successful sequels on various other platforms, some of them, notably Crazy Taxi and Virtual On, had successful ports on PSP and XBLA respectively, while others such as Jet Set Radio Future and the US release of Shenmue 2 enjoyed life on the Xbox. Even smaller titles like Ikaruga, Rez and Triggerheart Excelica have made various other appearances since the Dreamcast days.

The Controller



Controller design is an important part of a console's appeal in the market. Bad controller designs can really affect the way people view a system, or how they play it. So the Dreamcast controller design had to be comfortable without being too large or cumbersome. The result fits into the hands of almost any age, allows access to all the face buttons, triggers and control stick with no hand or finger movement necessary. The DC control setup was simple enough to be accessible, but versatile enough to be useful for almost all types of games.

The controller itself featured a few unique characteristics of it's own. The biggest being the inclusion of two expansion slots and a square shaped hole to view the screen of the VMU. The expansion slots played a vital role in several different devices other than the VMU including rumble packs, microphones and the Gameshark. It also featured a small cord holding device on the back to keep the cable out of the way, which sounds stupid, but actually came into good use.

The Interface



Back in the old days, playing a game was a matter of popping it into the system and turning on the power. And if there was no game, then nothing happened. But Dreamcast was one of the first systems with a user friendly GUI that did more than just start a game. The system had a basic date/time function, a list of options including several world languages, a basic media player and the ability to browse any memory unit plugged into the controllers, complete with colorful animated icons for each game. You could also use this area to easily transfer data among VMU's or change your VMU's personalization options. Perhaps it wasn't a first, but it was definitely a best.

The Design



The overall aesthetics of the Dreamcast were really above and beyond what was available at the time. While it may have been lacking the number of color options that Nintendo regularly produced, it had a distinct look about it. It wasn't rectangular, it wasn't overly curvy or bulky, it was just unique. Small details like the disc flap and power light were integrated directly into the system's aesthetic properties, and the logo itself was simple, fitting perfectly into place on both the console, the GUI and the game packaging. Everything worked together well, the way good design should.

The Box Art



I know, this one sounds obscure. But the Dreamcast games showcased what I believe to be an unmatched precedent in graphic design. They ditched the unnecessary boxes of other disc based games, focusing simply on the case itself. The curved shape at the left of the artwork was clean and gives a sort of relaxed effect to the viewer, while also fitting with the Dreamcast console's overall design. The boxart was unique among disc based games and stood out on store shelves with bright colors and brilliant work amongst almost every game in the system's history.

The Dreamcast Keyboard and Mouse

I used to play PC games, like most, and the transition from PC to console could sometimes yield awkward results, especially when developers didn't take considerations for a controller based system. This was noticable on games like Quake 3 Arena, which had particularly finicky controls with the Dreamcast controller, it simply tried to throw too many things into the equation.

Enter the Dreamcast mouse and keyboard. Plugging directly into the controller ports, I now had a full keyboard and mouse with which to play Quake and Unreal Tournament, among other games that supported it. And not only for use with games, it was fully compatible with the web browser too, and the keyboard allowed for quick and easy text chat in games like Phantasy Star.

Bleemcast!



Remember Bleem? It was a PSX emulator for the PC that worked with a handful of PSX games. If you don't remember it, it's probably because you actually owned a legitimate Playstation, which I did not. While Bleem was short lived, eventually shut down by pressure from Sony, they managed to get one little product out the door before doing so. And that product was Bleemcast! for Metal Gear Solid (One for Tekken was also available).

In one of the most hilarious bits of corporate pissoffery I've encountered, Bleemcast actually allowed me to play MGS1 on on Dreamcast with upscaled graphics and a slightly modified control scheme. Sure, the whole bit required a dedicated VMU for saving games, but the sheer fact that I could play a PSX game on my Dreamcast was enough to compensate for the flaws. Not to mention the warning screen has a direct shot at Sony written right in. It was a great thing to see someone supporting the Dreamcast so openly, even if said support wasn't fully within legal boundaries.

So why did the Dreamcast die? Many reasons, really. It wasn't marketed well, and SEGA simply lost standing with the market. Add to that the ease of pirating CD-based games and stiff competition, and a recipe for disaster was inevitable.

It's a shame, as the Dreamcast was arguably one of the most influential consoles ever produced, with remnants of it's ideas and culture still appearing in gaming today. To this day it remains my favorite console of all time, and easily one of the most memorable of my childhood.