Let me tell you a little story about my life...

It goes back to when I was ten years old; an intense time for any small child, as its that period where the top of your mind is filled with worrying about how to be popular within the harsh social environment you’ve just come into, the horror that is this foreign concept of “puberty,” after probably just being scarred by a sex education video where the man spontaneously begins to sport funny hair and talk like a wrestler all in the space of a few seconds - hope you were luckier than I was - and hey, maybe you’ve just noticed that girls are more than the disgusting, disease ridden creatures that the playground years before would have you believe. Well, there’s only one way to survive in this scenario and come out on top of everyone else - I had to prove that I had the best videogame console.
It was at my years-behind juniors school on an old cliche summers day, kinda like the ones you get in these children’s stories where the atmosphere is best for playing outside, making it more appropriate for us to go on an all out war with each other. Myself, and my good friend (or enemy depending on how you see it) Alex were having one of our daily games of Nintendo versus Playstation. I was Link, he was Solid Snake (so long age ratings!) only one of us could win, and that person would be the one to own the superior console. Because that’s how it works when you’re ten.
So the game begins: the hero of time versus some rubbish videogame character from some rubbish game I don’t care about. How could I lose! First move, Snake runs behind the main building out of sight, I don’t know where he’s gone. Suddenly he turns out from the corner and takes random pot shots at me. Easy. I raise my Hylian Shield and block them all. Shield in front, I run towards him with my sword raised, for the killing blow. He gets back behind the wall and I turn the corner, only to see young Snake with his back pressed against it, nowhere to hide. Now its time to finally prove that the Nintendo 64 was better all along, but wait... he’s activated his stealth camouflage so I can’t see him. It appears there’s nothing I can do. I’ve been foiled..

Ah, but the Hero of Time is much smarter than that. ;)

Within a second, I whip out my trusty Lens of Truth and scan the area. Brilliant. And without a doubt, there he is, back still pressed to the wall this time, he does have nowhere to hide. I’ve won. And that’s where the utterance comes in.

“No, you cant, this is a special stealth camouflage that cant be seen by lenses”

What the fuck. I mean, what the fuck is that? A special camouflage! That’s just plain ridiculous! were pretty much my thoughts back then. Everyone knows that the Lens of Truth can see through anything. If it could see that ghost in the desert - who was also dead may I add - it could easily see through some poxy little headband wearing twat’s diving costume. There’s no such fucking thing as a special stealth camouflage! It doesn’t exist! Fuck this stupid game. I win.
And that’s my first real memory of fanboyish nerdiness, which still shows to me how passionate I was about games even from a young age. Its also the story of how I single handedly managed to prove that the Nintendo 64 was in fact better than the Playstation all along! but I’ll drop that branch of the tale for now ;)

So hi! Some little bits about me to wrap this up: my real world name is Neil, I’m a British student studying Creative Writing at Staffordshire University, I’ve been videogaming since as long as I can remember, I own all three current-gen consoles, I’ve only finished Ocarina of Time five times, I love retro gaming, I’ve somehow in the last day managed to rip a hole in the crotch of my £6 jeans, there’s a cardboard cutout of the manga Loveless as a permanent fixture in my room, I don’t know why, I like Southern Comfort, if I could have one superpower it would be the ability to manipulate the seasons, making trees and stuff sprout beneath my enemies, for some reason I’ve managed to get on the Scientology e-mail list, and an imported copy of Chrono Trigger has just come through my door this morning which I’m yet to play. Best rush off now then.
I’ve been following Destructoid for a while now, only just managing to join it because of a recently freed up schedule (ie: redemption from general laziness) I’ve always looked for a place which advocates exactly what the website stands for, I enjoy its writing, and I like its community, which I hope over the coming while I can get more actively involved in with blogging, and hopefully set this up as my permanent home for my internet based frolicking!
My real-life girlfriend has also just joined this site under the guise of Fallen North. (I’d cleverly link her blog here using her name as the clicky thing as I’ve seen countless others do, but I have no idea how to do that, being rubbish at computers. It’d be much appreciated if someone could help here!) Say hi to her, she’s nice and has breasts :)

Hope to se you all sometime later.

This is me posing for a Hugo Boss ad. I look like this all the time.




Also, cocks.