Yeah yeah, so yesterday was Mr. Shigeru Miyamoto’s birthday. Whoop-dee-doo, big deal. Today we’re celebrating what really matters: Mr. Andy Dixon’s birthday! How do I know it’s his birthday? Some good old-fashioned stalking, of course. It was necessary in order to bring the man a different kind of stalkers.
To celebrate, we’ll be exploring video games for the thing that the man loves most: boners. While you may be initially disappointed to learn that there are no images or videos of close-up wood here, you can still get aroused with some imagination – think of this as the Dtoid C-blog equivalent of 50 Shades of Grey.
While I may not be as experienced as the erectile expert himself, I’d like to think that our lovable M Randy Dixon would approve of this list. And yes, I couldn’t think of enough in time to make this a Top 5. Sue me.
3: The Perverted Boat Ride – Resident Evil 4
When Leon is seeking transport to the island where Ashley is being held captive, he yet again meets with Ada, the seductive spy who is waiting for him in a boat. Don’t think we can’t see you checking the lady out, buddy. He even gets a sneaky look-in up her skirt! But hey, after surviving Raccoon City, chainsaw-wielding Ganados and Ashley’s anti-boner whining, the guy deserves a break.
2: The Big Boner – Shadows of the Damned
Do I really need to say anything about this one? “TASTE MY BIG BONER!” exclaims Garcia Hotspur. Better do as the man says.
[Skip to 1:45]
1: Meryl’s Seduction – Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes
Never has the code-name “Solid Snake” been so appropriate. In this Twin Snakes scene, our hero is faced a suddenly-seductive Meryl, who has fallen under control of Psycho Mantis. You may think that Snake remains so still and motionless as a form of professional caution, being the trained soldier that he is. Think again. He’s just too focused on battling the bulge. Rest assured, Snake’s Gear is Solid as Metal right now (good God, I’m a comedic genius).
[Skip to 2:40]
Once again, Happy Boneday Andy! In all seriousness, thanks for all you do at Destructoid, whenever (or if) you read this. Super congratulations on your baby boy and have a kick-ass vacation, man (I used an American word, just for you). May you continue to manage the community, keep us behaved and read dumb blogs like this forever.
Real talk, folks: if anyone else has any other contributions (a game moment with YouTube video), feel free to post it in the comments! Add your own witty description too if you like, but I can easily do that for you. Perhaps we can make this a collaborative list for when Andy gets back from his holiday. As always, thanks for reading!
About ReeceTheBeast One of us since 5:40 PM on 10.29.2011
I'm Reece from England. I'm a newly-recruited News Writer for gaming site Explosion.com, and its all thanks to this here website and blog! I love it here, I love this community and I love to write. I'm always willing to read your blogs here too, so maybe we can be friends!
I've been into gaming since I was about 4 years old, playing the Game Boy, PlayStation 1 and Sega Mega Drive (Genesis to you Americans! Damn you, stealing the better names). Having these systems around during my youth lead to the greatest and most-anticipated Christmas ever - the year I got my N64!
Ever since then I've been playing any and every game I can get my filthy mitts on, no matter what system or genre. I currently have a Wii, Xbox 360 and PS3 and a 3DS. Come on Vita, get more games so I can buy you too!
My favourite games are Resident Evil 2, Zelda: The Wind Waker, Streets of Rage 2, Left 4 Dead, Final Fantasy VII and Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater.
Feel free to follow me on Twitter at the handle @ReeceH92. If you do follow me, send me a PM on here so I know you're from Destructoid and I'll follow you back too if you like! I will be more active on there as I get more followers and won't just spam news stories, and I'd be happy to chat any of you. I'd appreciate it as I'm new there and the majority of my followers currently consist of sexbots. If they were real ladies at least I could pass myself off as some kind of Twitter pimp.