I could open with a long ramble about, well, whatever, but that would be lame and we have a lot of ground to cover here today. Long story short; Me and my Mom got Star Trek glasses from Burger King today (Kirk and Spock, respectively), which of course necessitated a debate about how was cooler--Which anybody with half a brain knows Kirk is cooler.

Let's face facts here, people: Who pulls the most space-bitches? Kirk. Who kicks ass and then says "Fuck names, yo, I just like kicking ass"? Kirk. Who has a ginormous stick up his ass and is a total buzzkill, like, all the time? Not James T. Kirk, that's for sure. You're totally thinking of Spock, Pal. See, it's like this: Kirk and Spock are like Yin and Yang. Kirk is all about having rad space adventures and getting it on with the all the inter-galactic hunnies while Spock hangs around and is all like "That's not logical, Captain. That's not logical, Captain." And it's like, "Fuck, dude; we’re in SPACE. Isn't this awesome? Why can't you, I dunno, man; lighten up?" Now, if I were Kirk, I'd be all like "My DICK isn't logical" and then I'd beam him down to some remote planet and when he asked to be beamed back aboard I'd be all "Tachyons, dude. Sorry, bro." But the real Kirk wouldn't do something like that, which just goes to show you really need to respect the man's diplomacy and leadership skills.

Unfortunately, my mother could not be reasoned with. It was "Vulcan Death Grip" this and "Vulcan Mind-meld" that. The truth, friends, is that superpowers do not make the man. Take Superman, for example. Can you imagine a more generic, boring superhero? Other than Lame-ass Story Man, the superhero with the ability to lure villains to sleep by talking about articles he read out of Good Housekeeping, I can't think of another hero who can induce a bigger yawn from me other than Superman. He's got super-strength, ice breath, and super lameness. But what makes him so lame? Superman is a total boy scout. He may have the powers of a God, but he has the personality of a crossing-guard. He helped establish the Justice League of America, which is like a bureaucracy for super heroes, and there's nothing like cutting through red tape while you're cutting through crime. It'd be one thing if Superman kept his super-suckitude to himself, but he also tries to impose his cookie-cutter morals on other superheroes? That is weak sauce, Superman. Now, Batman, on the other hand, is like the greatest superhero alive. Not only is he a total renegade bad-ass, but he also moonlights (daylights?) as a Billionaire Playboy, so you know he knows how to live it up. There's the old saying that goes "When they were giving out superpowers, Batman was last in line." That is gross embellishment. When Batman saw the other superheroes getting in line for powers, he laughed and said "Enjoy your powers, bitches. I don't need shitty parlor tricks to be a bad motherfucker." And the other superheroes felt stupid, but they didn't get out of line because that hoped that Batman would at least still respect them if they proved that they weren't mindless lemmings.

So, to reiterate, why are Kirk and Batman so much cooler than Spock or Superman? For all the cool things Spock and Superman can do, they just aren't very cool people. You wouldn't want to grab a beer with Superman or Spock. Spock would just ramble on about how alcohol consumption was illogical because of liver damage and Superman would try to impress the ladies with his Laser eyes which would only result in the loss of four lives and the pub in which you were hanging out catching fire. On the other hand, if you stuck with Batman and Kirk, you could guarantee yourself an awesome night of intergalactic FTL travel, cruising around Gotham, and scoring with chicks. Cause seriously, you have James T. Kirk and Batman as wingmen. If you don't get laid, then I weep for you.