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11:18 PM on 03.11.2008

A long awaited return. NDS Edition.

So after a long long break from Dtoid, (unwillingly might I add) I've managed to play a crap load of games. And with the return of my internet, I hope to play them online with the Dtoid community in the future.

In this small yet stimulating article, I'm going to short reviews on a few games I've decided were worth mentioning. However, I'm going to mention only the DS games, and I'll post my other platform experiences later. So in no specific order, my reviews;

Legend of Zelda : The Phantom Hourglass -

Now, do I really need to say anything? Despite it's Windwaker-esque visuals, this game blew my mind. The puzzles weren't too challenging, especially with a notepad for a map. The new system for upgrading your items is a great addition to the Zelda experience. Collect 10 Spirit Gems of a certain type and next thing you know I'm stabbing Jellies in the face with my sword consumed in fire. How hardcore is that?
The bosses were a bit repetitious. I mean, the only reason they are beaten is because we've fought them before, in earlier games. Either way the DS added some nice features to it. For example the Bombchus are now steered with a path drawn with your stylus. Very Cool.
I know this game has been released for a few months, but I just recently picked it up and played it, and I must say, it's delicious, and should send any Zelda fan into a frenzy if it hasn't already. 9.0 - 10 For not having an annoying fairy that exclaims "listen!" 24/7

Lifesigns - Surgical Unit -

This game is somewhat like watching a Sitcom, or romantic comedy where the entire premise is to get along with your fellow doctors and interns at the Hospital where your main character Dr.Tendo is studying. For anime fans like myself, it was interesting. Either way, as a game, not very interactive. There is no training, the operations your preform have to be extremely precise, and completely unlike the ones that are made in Trauma Center. You can't cut everything and then use the "healing touch" and jack the patient up with some green liquid to make their lifesigns stabilize. Making this game seem like it is more gear towards adults or older teenagers. Either way, it was fun just playing it for the storyline.
7.9 - 10 For anime chicks almost naked.

Contra 4

Now, I remember as a younger lad, I played Contra 3 for the SNES. Many people would agree, including Maddox (the creator of The Best Page In The Universe and author of The Alphabet of Manliness) would agree that it is a man's game. It is in no way easy. Contra 3 will rattle your mind, and will bring you to beleive that it is unbeatable.
Contra 4 is almost no exception. Having been made slightly easier, and not really adding much to the game (other than a grappling hook) this game is the same. It contains really no other features than the first one did, except now you can change the pallette colours of your character. Either way, the game proved enjoyable for myself. Side-scrolling fans must enjoy this game, or denounce the title of "Side-scrolling fan" altogether. 7.0 - 10 For its' unchanging greatness.

Professor Layton and The Curious Village

This puzzle-injected game was a great experience for me. Not only did i find myself solving riddles in my sleep, but I had a lot of fun sharing them with friends, family members and co-workers. Some puzzle within the game require simple logic, others challenge your math skills. In any case it proved to be a fun game beyond no other puzzle game I've played. The reason is simple. The game has more to it than JUST puzzles. It has a little more meat to it by actually having a story-line, and a few extra features that are not too difficult but certainly add fun to the gameplay. For example, your two protagonists, Prof. Layton and his Sidekick Luke have rooms at the local in that you can furnish with items achieved by solving the puzzles around the town. So look carefully. Either way, I played this game in every spare moment until I finished it. Even if you don't like puzzle games that much, it's sure to grab at least a few hours of your interest.
9.5 - 10 For having Hint coins.

Finally, I'll wrap this up with a BAD review, since I can't be positive for too long, and it really stings my face to smile this much.

Lost In Blue 2

Now, somewhere between having to hold a dumb bitch's hand all the time, and eating seaweed and coconut salad I completely lost interest in this game. Long story short you are in a plane crash and end up with some girl who is completely incompetant (or it's a guy if you chose to play as the girl) and you must eat, drink, and sleep to survive on a tropical island in the middle of nowhere. Sounds like fun, but it progresses way to slowly, and the hunt for food and supplies becomes a repetative task that only your main character can accomplish. Also, if you need the girl for anything, you are forced to hold her hand and walk her everywhere. Sorry, but this just won't do.
4.0 - 10 For reminding me of Gilligan's Island (which counted for 3 of the 4 points)

All reviews in the above mentioned article are not official, they are from my opinion, if you don't agree that's fine. Just don't hate the player, hate the game, most literally and cliche.   read

10:13 PM on 10.14.2007

Final Fantasy Tactics : War Of The Lions Review. : Still Havn't Beaten It Edition

The world is split into two groups of people. Those who like Final Fantasy Tactics, and those not smart enough to play it. It is an awesome game, and it's current re-release for the PSP made me spew my Destructoid lubricant from my piston.

The game hasnt changed too much from the original, except for the fact that it lags like a sonofabitch all the damn time. It still looks like it should be on Playstation. The only epicly awesome aspect they have added is the fact that well no shit it's portable, but also the interesting Sketchboard like cell animation. You can actually see the stroke lines of the pencil crayons they used to colour in the in-motion cells. Bravo.

The story is much different. However the speech in it definetly is. I can't say i dont enjoy reading what everyone says. The ye olde english type of game text this has is intriging. And of course if you ever get confused, you can simply check out the Chronicles option to figure out what the hell is going on.

Another downside, now, I do hate trashtalking a good game. But this is really the kicker, and has given me a reason, and paradoxically a repellent to play FFTactics. The rediculous new classes. The onion knight is somewhat impressive I suppose, being a connasuer of weaponry, but not possessing any real power, and only requiring you to get Squire and Chemist to lvl 6.

The Dark Knight on the other hand, was really what caught my eye. Not only does it look rediculously amazing, and it's abilities are awesome, but it was my favourite class in all the previous FF's. However, the paradox lies here. The requirements to get to said class are rediculous.
Master Knight, Master Black Mage, 8 Dragoon, 8 Ninja, 8 Geomancer, 8 Samurai, as well as (this is a rumour) kill off 20 of your own men, and have them crystalize on the battlefield. Now, I have yet to accomplish this feat, simply because I don't have time to do it. Perhaps I should hire someone to do it for me. Either way, good luck with getting yourself a Dark Knight, i wish you all the best.

To conclude my review, I just want to add in a point of how short it was. It's short because this game has been reviewed loads of times for the Playstation. Expect no more on the psp than you did with your PSX back in the day. Also, I'm sure the only reason plenty of us may have picked this up was because of our inability or incapacity to homebrew our PSP. Me falling into the latter catagory.
Enjoy FFTactics either way.   read

9:56 AM on 10.10.2007

I edited this title because I'm a moron.

Too true. However, what I AM sick of seeing, is all those shitty spin-offs. The movie was okay, Dirge of Cerebus was meh. Remake the entire game for shit sakes.

Anyone agree?   read

9:40 PM on 10.01.2007

PS3 to get new games every 2 weeks?!?!

So, I'm sure you stumbled upon this blog in hopes to find the gamers dream-list of the Triple's new releases for every 2 weeks every month until the end of it's production. They most certainly do receive new games roughly every 2 weeks - 1 month. They are as follows.

NBA 08
NHL 08
NFL 08

And the list goes on. Now my question is to you guys, are you as sick as I am of seeing the same old same old crappy sports games brought out every year just to find out they stink worst than the one released the previous year? I'm sure you all are. Not to mention, I see that there are PS3's new releases at my local EB GAMES, only to find that it was NHL. Now not being a big fan of sports games, my opinion may be biased. But allow me to show you what true PRIME sports games look like

That's right. The world's most underated sports game of all time. Mutant league Football. Now one might ask, what is so great about MLF (Mutant league Football, also not to be mistake with MILF's which are equally as awesome)? Let me tell you. When you are running down the field with your QB who happens to be a lizard-man, when all of a sudden you step on a land mine. PEW! Tragic end to your QB. So the games over? NO! No good sir it is not over. Your endless horde of mutant football players just keep getting replenished. Skeletons, aliens, and if i do recall, Frankenstein-like monsters. This is the epitome of true gaming. Leave the "realistic sports" to the kids who go outside, and the armchair atheletes who bet on Pro-line tickets, and give us something virtual damnit!

Also check out these equally amazing yet extremely under-rated sports games.

(Oh noes, looks like the pic might not be working in BBCODE?)
Hit The Ice Hockey - In which you can even score by slamming the puck so hard, the goalie flies with it into the net. SCORE!

Bomberman- Hardball - which includes Tennis, Baseball and Golf!

So, tell me folks, where is the justice? Give us satirical sports games, or else I might be forced to go and play real ones.   read

2:19 PM on 09.27.2007

My Top Ten Retro-ish Game List.

Okay, so here is my 10 most addicting games list, according to the ones I've played. (Let's keep in mind my memory too :D)

10. Tron - The Classic Light Cycle racing no doubt.
9. Snake - Who can forget eating up dots and becoming larger.
8. Resident Evil Series - I know i know "thomas thats not a game, its a series". My list, my rules.
7. Stick Arena - Definetly should try this out, really fun stuff for a cheap flash game.
6. Gunz the Duel - I love its' simplicity, really.
5. Worms Armageddon - I've probably clocked well over 300 hours on Worms Armageddon alone, not to mention the other ones.
4. Grand Theft Auto: Vice City - If the awesomeness of its wisecracks dont get you, the soundtrack definetely will.
3. Painkiller - Who doesn't like to shoot hell spawns and other riff-raff in the teeth?
2. Mario Paint - It's almost like Adobe Photoshop Beta. Love Mario paint, won't ever get sick of it. (unless they make Mario Paint for Wii :O )
And the moment you've waited for in whatever time it took you to read the other of my 10 most addicting games.
The Number one most addicting game on my list is

Marvel Vs Streetfighter
I've easily spent over 200 dollars in quarters in the machines for this games back in the 90's and X dollars on emulation for pc. You can't deny it's amazing unless you suck. this pretty much goes for all Arcade fighters. Tekken (for you Krassin), Marvel Super Heroes, Street Fighter Alpha, Mortal Kombat.

This concludes my list.   read

10:55 PM on 09.25.2007

Why Heavenly Sword is so disappointing/uplifting chronicled.

This blog is going to be as two-sided as possible for my rating of Heavenly Sword for PS3. Let's start with the hate first okay readers?

So you're wondering why I disliked Heavenly Sword. Well, where do I start. First of all, the battling was totally freaking lame. You spend probably 60% of the game just steering arrows. It's fun for a while, after about your 500,000th arrow, your hands slowly become heavy from twisting and tilting your SIXAXIS.

Next on the agenda, is how goddamn easy the game is, even on Hell Mode. When I first heard that this game was similar to God Of War, I died a little inside to think that another game can share such greatness, only to buy it on its release date and find out that it surely does NOT share it's greatness. This restored all glory GoW had in my gaming life.

Length is definetly an issue here. The developers probably spent 90% of their time jacking off to Nariko and Kai lesbian action and taping all the making-of crap to actually concentrate on making the game long enough to develop a half-decent storyline.

On the plus, Heavenly Sword certainly had a certain artistic flair to it. The character movements and designed were well thought out. The environments were fantastic, colors vibrant, textures were extremely realistic, overall it was a nice peice of eye candy.

Another positive, would be the more creative fighting schemes near the end of the game (SPOILER ALERT. DO NOT READ PAST HEAR IF YOU WANT TO CHERISH THIS GAME)

Nariko at some point goes absolutely berserk thanks to the Heavenly Sword and gains god-mode pretty much. In which case you can just spin wildly with the Range stance and smoke the entire opposing 500-odd men. Very creative.

My final point to make on this game, is the voice acting. I thought the voice actors were very well chosen and portrayed their roles amazingly. Nariko has a somewhat sexy but commanding voice, Kai has her innocent and childly british accent, and the Emperor has his high-pitched I've got crowned-jewels up my arse voice.

Overall, I suppose I'll rate this game about a 6.5 / 10.
Creativity - +3
Plotline - -1
Visuals +3
Characters and voices +5
Length vs Skill required - 3.5   read

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