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9:32 PM on 09.12.2008

BREAKING NEWS: Fallout 3 Confirmed for PS2

7-11 in an exclusive bid with Bethesa, unveiled a modified version of Fallout 3 to only be sold through the world's largest convenience store chain.

The PS2 version will use the the code and gameplay abandoned by Black Isle before they went under.

Here are some screen shots from the PS2 build. Let the "Oblivion 5" haters rejoice. You're going to get your game after all.

Let the C-Blogs ignite!

um... hit view image to see the whole display... I am full of shame.   read

9:37 AM on 01.25.2008

CONFIRMED: I'm more hardcore than you.

Please answer these questions with either a yes or a no.

In middle school, did the ones you hated most call your house at odd hours for video game tips while acting like you were best friends - not someone who earlier that day punched you as hard as they could in the throat for absolutely no reason?

Speaking of the throat punchers in middle school, did you ever in a moment of raw desperation walk a couple miles to a throat punchers house and straight faced ask them to borrow Metroid (or any other much sought after game)?

Did you ever call out a larger black kid for licking his fingers to play track and field?

Have you ever snuck out of your house, invaded a persons yard, and skulked next to an open window just so you could listen to Super Mario 2 being played?

Did you ever have a birthday party at Chuck-e-Cheese and then spend all your birthday money on Dragon's Lair?

Did the thought of paying Wizards and Warriors for the NES make you excited?

Have you ever in your life paid your best friend 5 dollars to borrow his copy of the first issue of Nintendo Power and photocopy every page for yourself?

Have you ever taken a Christmas gift you knew was a game, did some spy shit to open it - leaving no traces, take the disc, cartridge or hu-card out, rewrapped it and put it back under the tree then pretend to be really excited Christmas day even though you already beat the game which you've been playing all night?

Have you ever called a game shop several times a week and ask them to list what Sega master system games they had just to hear someone speak the titles out loud?

Did you ever choose Sega over Nintendo?

Did you ever call up the Sega tip line and have them send you tips for games you didn't own?

Have you ever stolen change from a parents change jar, knowing you would catch a beating, just to play the Play Choice 10 at Winn Dixie, specifically Rygar and Metroid?

Have you ever pretended to be a cripple's friend because his parents bought him all the games?

Did the sex scene in Golgo 13 arouse you?

Have you ever paid a classmate to buy you cheap Nintendo games from a crackhead?

And finally, did you ever stand behind someone while they were at their locker, memorize their combination, then later sneak out of class and steal their copy of the first Nintendo Strategy guide?

If you answered no to any of these questions then you are not as hardcore as me. If you answered yes to all questions, a time in the near future should be scheduled when we will fight to the death to determine true hardcoreness.

But for Cerealness, I'd like to hear about your most humiliating and shameful gaming moments. I was fucked up about games in my early teens. I'm wondering if it was just me..
Consider it research for a book. Help me out.   read

9:49 PM on 01.23.2008

I pretty much hate this website.

Naw, naw, just playin yo!

For serious reals though, I thought I'd take a minute to urge all you would be bloggers to look deep into your unrefined steaming masses and try to come up with headlines that either, a. make a fucklick (new word I just made up) of sense, or b. strive for some untold precipice of creative writing like, "There is no god". See, that's powerful shit. I would read that even if it was to show off some news piece about a MarioBros. inspired cock ring that you had absolutely nothing to do with.
It might be totally unrelated to your blog, but hell it's a lot more interesting than, "Smash brothers has a lot of BLUE in it!". You can do better, hell they let Jim Sterling write for this site and he's obviously retarded (as far as opinions concerning Mass Effect and Koei games go).

Here's a few suggestions for your next blog sure to draw readership and a sweating bevy of comments.

"MGS still makes no sense!"

"Next gen Metroid games suck!"

"Even though the fucker breaks, the 360 is the best console ever!"

"I just pooped my hair out!"

"Smash Brothers is the only reason to buy a Wii!"

"Only gay niggas play gaylo!"

"This is not a RickRoll!"

"The whole I'm a shark thing is really not funny at all!"

"The cake is the way, the truth, and the life. No man can come before the cake but for the grace of cake!"


"White people are better at math than black people, and asian people are white as well!"

"Hitler and the Nazis are the best thing to ever happen to video games. Admit it already!"

"Super Mario Galaxy!? Grow the fuck up!"

"Turbo-grafx 16 was the better system!"

"Also, cocks? I don't get it."

"Anyone ever hear about the Dreamcast? A retrospective of the worst console ever made."

"I'm so fucking jealous of the guy that wrote the portal theme - Or - I'll never be that good."

"I'm all about retro gaming and I'm 17!"

"Dynasty warriors sucks!"

"I've never been with a woman."

"I've just been with a man!"

I could go on, but I hope this gives you some insight into crafting headlines that rock the soul and challenge the very foundation of your reader.

Before posting comments of your own I would suggest reupping the minutes on your irony phone and topping off the contents of your sarcasm tank. It's a long haul to lulz and them roads is paved with flames.

I'm the best writer ever. Fuck you. Gimme beer now.   read

8:38 AM on 11.15.2007


And just for fun, here's a pic of Wrex in his "Peppermint Wishes: Stardream" armor.

12:13 PM on 11.14.2007

Pictures of my new girlfriend and our MAKO.

I met Jane Shepard at a local Kmart last Saturday. We hit it off quick and we're soon after inseperable. Wasn't long before we were going on missions and stuff, important stuff having to do with stuff.

I like the rest of the gang too. Wrex is hilarious. Did you know Krogan have 4 sets of testicles?
Liara's a slut and if Kaiden doesn't stop making awkward passes at my girl, I will beat the fuck out of his space-ass.

Anyway, There's another picture included that shows how gravity went haywire for no reason while we were driving through a tunnel on an important mission... without Kaiden...

That said, I challenge anyone who has the chance to play Mass Effect to create a cuter Jane.

That is all.   read

9:13 PM on 11.13.2007

Bearded tales of video game lore pt. 1

Hi. Gather round. I'm what you might refer to as an "older gamer", a "greybush" as it were, though not so mighty of pubis hue as our exalted community manager/god-king. That means I'm somewhere between 32 and dead. That means I put Kung-Fu on layaways at Kmart before I even had a NES. A story for another time perhaps...

When I finally made the jump to joining Destructoid (thereby signing away more gratifying hours of porn watched vs. porn unseen) , I promised to relate such tales as one of my storied years would've experienced in real-time, not as anecdotal legends recently unearthed in forgotten tombs of staunchest nerdity. My goal is to bring life to legends through my own personal experiences. I was there when it started and will be there when 50 years from now my grandson exploits me on youtubes for playing games I bought him for his birthday.

I'll start with one of my favorites.

My best friend Jeff got a NES in 87. His mother was a Realtor/Drunk during the big boom of the early 80's. So they were well off. I didn't have a NES of my own at this point and all I heard from him day in day out was the sheer epicness, the untold scope of the free roaming adventure: The Legend of Zelda.
I questioned him incessantly about it. He became a personal FAQ before such things were waseven mused upon. I borrowed the instruction manual for the game and mooned over the artwork and goldness of it all. I memorized the controls and made notes of certain passages that may or may not have contained direct insights into the creator's vision, possibly deciphering arcane tracts of passage which would lead me to unknown treasures. I was obsessed.

As it was in those days, boys of similar ilk would coordinate through their respective parental units, "sleepovers". His house was really nice in comparison to mine. We didn't have central air (believe it) and he had Zelda, so the choice was clear.
We played all day and long into the night. We fought back the uncountable hoardes of whimsical monsters with fun names to say, were confouned by old men in caves with nothing to say, and braved the deep dark of jelly filled catacombs.

Before I'd gotten there he'd been saving his rupees for a red potion. When we'd earned enough we sought out the nearest vendor and traded with glee. We treated the newly purchased unction with reverence and swore to each other we'd never use it unless there was NO OTHER WAY. I'd never seen him more serious.

Eventually the hours got smaller and he fell fast asleep. I however was still agog with the experience, the wonder, the "holy fuck I'm playing Zelda!" of it all.
But then I found myself in something of a pickle. I was in a dungeon, right outside the door of a fearsome enemy whose loathsome screech was telltale of blood to be shed. The only problem was I was down to half a heart, but this was the best we'd done all night... and I had the potion...

So I used it.

Simultaneously, Jeff half roused out of his slumber by the sound of the potions work, issued a zombie like decree of "Noooooooooooooo" and as fast fell back to sleep. At the same time his mother bursts into the room in her underwear, chanting a somewhat staccato "No, no, no, no, no.." all the while pulling the plugs of various entertainment devices in an effort to curtail fun and leaving in a huff once every particle of light bearing machinery had breathed it's last.

This all happened in less than 5 seconds.

I sat there in the dark for what seemed an eternity.

Was I ashamed? Maybe. Had I betrayed my friend? Did I owe him 200 rupees? Would he ever trust me again?

I don't know. My mom came for me before he woke up the next morning. I left without saying goodbye. He was distant thereafter, and a few weeks later he moved to Pittsburgh. I never heard from him again.

Moral of the story: Red potions cost too damn much.   read

9:56 AM on 11.13.2007

For Snaileb


10:20 PM on 11.11.2007

Mmmmmmmmmass Effect. Yum.

Having won the internets with precision Kmart sniping, I would like to tell you all to start flagellating yourselves unmercifully for the "legitimate" release of ME.
The flagellation is for my amusement, the waiting is penance for your sins.
Renounce all pretenders! Rip those fond memories of inscrutable FF games from your breast! Banish those wishful whims that whisper lies of Oblivion's perfection! How many uber powered wolves must die!!??
All of them. All of them must be sacrificed on the alter of fucking quality.

Quality. Hmmmm. I think as gamers we let a lot slide. We forgive much in the drought of infrequent releases between Christmas and the ghost of Christmas to come. As an example I bought Eternal Sonata on a whim, my need for richness and deep narrative overpowering common sense. ES is fun if the lobotomy was successful. Needless to say I will never play that game again. I will trade it in, and possibly Bioshock, tootsweet for the purchase of Assassins Creed, which I might add, will only serve as a distraction from Mass Effect should I feel I'm playing it too much.

Mass Effect is to be savored, to be suckled upon like a fine sweet caramel.

I have never been more surprised or satisfied by a game. Two words: Thresher Maw.

A close second is bootleg Vietnamese porn, but only for it's prevalent sci-fi themes and post-modern philosophies.

Them's my words.

But little did you know, I can crush your face.   read

12:13 PM on 11.10.2007

I have Mass Effect. You do not.

8:00 am Kmart breaks street date. I buy two copies. One for me. One for GuitarAtomik. One left on the self for some lucky fool.

Shit this good never happens.

Three hours in. Pop up textures out the ass. Seriously retarded a.i. but Cinematically unrivaled.

Check yo KMARTS!   read

9:33 AM on 07.30.2007

Destructoid Theme song entry.

Though not technically my first entry, an entry that I feel can be taken seriously as a contender.

Please direct your innertubes to Straight up metal

What does you think in your minds?

I'm pretty sure William Haley hates all life inside of me.

Ciao Kittens!   read

6:55 PM on 07.29.2007

Review: Mass Effect - Revelation

In short, Revelations is light on depth, or even revelations themselves, but delivers big with thrills and brutality.
Sets the backdrop nicely for the game, piques interest, leaves one wanting more.

As a gamer I've been following the bloom of Mass Effect since the game was first announced. After several in depth previews, and various trivium via Bioware itself, much of the universe and story of ME is still shrouded in mystery . Given the sheer amount of content likely contained in the Bioware epic, that's an awful lot of territory to cover before the game is officially out.
That's where the prequel novel, Mass Effect - Revelations, takes our little hands, and tries to ease us into a rich, if not familiar, sci-fi adventure.

The story laid out in Revelations falls somewhere between humanity passing through their first Mass Relay, an artifact belonging to the long since vanished alien race, The Protheans, and the beginning of the Mass Effect video game proper.
The novel's narrative focuses on David Andrews, a young, battle-tested Alliance marine, (Later he grows up to be Keith David from the trailers) and Saren, the mysterious Taurian Spectre, as they separately investigate an assault on a secret Alliance research outpost.

I found this novel very easy reading, absorbing it's entirety in less than a week. The writing is fluid, descriptively sparse, and very much to the point. It almost reads as a pitch for an actual novel of greater length and detail, which I hope the game covers for. The dialog is good, both in action and intrigue, politics and punches. This bodes well for the game itself since the novel is penned by none other than the game's main writer, Drew Karpyshyn.

The book is very well paced, taking the reader in and out of the action without ever stumbling over itself to reestablish momentum. The fights are fighty, the intrigue and mystery are mysteriously intriguing, even when the book deals with the hard politics between the Alliance and the Citadel, it flows with ease, never confusing. Over all the book succeeds in everything it tries to accomplish in the shortest amount of time, though leaves me with even more questions and an even deeper desire to get my hands on the game.

I do have a few small gripes however. Don't let the title fool you, there's little to be expected in the way of revelations, at least the way I expected there to be. I thought there was going to be some very important element about the Mass Effect universe we hadn't previously been privy to, REVEALED somewhere... Nah... They should've just called the book Saren, because that's what this book is really about. If you take away one thing from this book, it will probably be the feeling that Saren is going to turn out to be one of the best video game villains ever.
Saren is the ONLY character remotely fleshed out, and even then I'm left wondering why his motivations are left so vague. No doubt we'll find out in NOV.
Because of all the service paid to the Spectre, Andrews and other players end up looking like cardboard cutouts of everyday archetypes. I hope some of the characters within make appearances in the game, obviously Andrews is your boss when the game starts, and hopefully Keith David imbues the character with a little more life than was portrayed in the book.
Lastly, there's a huge gap when the book ends and the game starts and it's annoying me, I'd spoil certain plot points if I told you why.
As far as sci-fi is concerned Mass Effect breaks no new ground, nor does it try to, and for that I respect it. It's an action packed galaxy teetering on the edge that makes me crave popcorn and coke.

So if you're down for some CSI-Starwars, in an almost too familiar sci-fi paradigm, and plan on playing the game, you NEED to read this book. Saren is waiting.

(psst... hey. This is my first blog. Please critique. Thanks)   read

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