Please answer these questions with either a yes or a no.
In middle school, did the ones you hated most call your house at odd hours for video game tips while acting like you were best friends - not someone who earlier that day punched you as hard as they could in the throat for absolutely no reason?
Speaking of the throat punchers in middle school, did you ever in a moment of raw desperation walk a couple miles to a throat punchers house and straight faced ask them to borrow Metroid (or any other much sought after game)?
Did you ever call out a larger black kid for licking his fingers to play track and field?
Have you ever snuck out of your house, invaded a persons yard, and skulked next to an open window just so you could listen to Super Mario 2 being played?
Did you ever have a birthday party at Chuck-e-Cheese and then spend all your birthday money on Dragon's Lair?
Did the thought of paying Wizards and Warriors for the NES make you excited?
Have you ever in your life paid your best friend 5 dollars to borrow his copy of the first issue of Nintendo Power and photocopy every page for yourself?
Have you ever taken a Christmas gift you knew was a game, did some spy shit to open it - leaving no traces, take the disc, cartridge or hu-card out, rewrapped it and put it back under the tree then pretend to be really excited Christmas day even though you already beat the game which you've been playing all night?
Have you ever called a game shop several times a week and ask them to list what Sega master system games they had just to hear someone speak the titles out loud?
Did you ever choose Sega over Nintendo?
Did you ever call up the Sega tip line and have them send you tips for games you didn't own?
Have you ever stolen change from a parents change jar, knowing you would catch a beating, just to play the Play Choice 10 at Winn Dixie, specifically Rygar and Metroid?
Have you ever pretended to be a cripple's friend because his parents bought him all the games?
Did the sex scene in Golgo 13 arouse you?
Have you ever paid a classmate to buy you cheap Nintendo games from a crackhead?
And finally, did you ever stand behind someone while they were at their locker, memorize their combination, then later sneak out of class and steal their copy of the first Nintendo Strategy guide?
If you answered no to any of these questions then you are not as hardcore as me. If you answered yes to all questions, a time in the near future should be scheduled when we will fight to the death to determine true hardcoreness.
But for Cerealness, I'd like to hear about your most humiliating and shameful gaming moments. I was fucked up about games in my early teens. I'm wondering if it was just me..
Consider it research for a book. Help me out.
For serious reals though, I thought I'd take a minute to urge all you would be bloggers to look deep into your unrefined steaming masses and try to come up with headlines that either, a. make a fucklick (new word I just made up) of sense, or b. strive for some untold precipice of creative writing like, "There is no god". See, that's powerful shit. I would read that even if it was to show off some news piece about a MarioBros. inspired cock ring that you had absolutely nothing to do with.
It might be totally unrelated to your blog, but hell it's a lot more interesting than, "Smash brothers has a lot of BLUE in it!". You can do better, hell they let Jim Sterling write for this site and he's obviously retarded (as far as opinions concerning Mass Effect and Koei games go).
Here's a few suggestions for your next blog sure to draw readership and a sweating bevy of comments.
"MGS still makes no sense!"
"Next gen Metroid games suck!"
"Even though the fucker breaks, the 360 is the best console ever!"
"I just pooped my hair out!"
"Smash Brothers is the only reason to buy a Wii!"
"Only gay niggas play gaylo!"
"This is not a RickRoll!"
"The whole I'm a shark thing is really not funny at all!"
"The cake is the way, the truth, and the life. No man can come before the cake but for the grace of cake!"
"White people are better at math than black people, and asian people are white as well!"
"Hitler and the Nazis are the best thing to ever happen to video games. Admit it already!"
"Super Mario Galaxy!? Grow the fuck up!"
"Turbo-grafx 16 was the better system!"
"Also, cocks? I don't get it."
"Anyone ever hear about the Dreamcast? A retrospective of the worst console ever made."
"I'm so fucking jealous of the guy that wrote the portal theme - Or - I'll never be that good."
"I'm all about retro gaming and I'm 17!"
"Dynasty warriors sucks!"
"I've never been with a woman."
"I've just been with a man!"
I could go on, but I hope this gives you some insight into crafting headlines that rock the soul and challenge the very foundation of your reader.
Before posting comments of your own I would suggest reupping the minutes on your irony phone and topping off the contents of your sarcasm tank. It's a long haul to lulz and them roads is paved with flames.
I'm the best writer ever. Fuck you. Gimme beer now.
I met Jane Shepard at a local Kmart last Saturday. We hit it off quick and we're soon after inseperable. Wasn't long before we were going on missions and stuff, important stuff having to do with stuff.
I like the rest of the gang too. Wrex is hilarious. Did you know Krogan have 4 sets of testicles?
Liara's a slut and if Kaiden doesn't stop making awkward passes at my girl, I will beat the fuck out of his space-ass.
Anyway, There's another picture included that shows how gravity went haywire for no reason while we were driving through a tunnel on an important mission... without Kaiden...
That said, I challenge anyone who has the chance to play Mass Effect to create a cuter Jane.
Hi. Gather round. I'm what you might refer to as an "older gamer", a "greybush" as it were, though not so mighty of pubis hue as our exalted community manager/god-king. That means I'm somewhere between 32 and dead. That means I put Kung-Fu on layaways at Kmart before I even had a NES. A story for another time perhaps...
When I finally made the jump to joining Destructoid (thereby signing away more gratifying hours of porn watched vs. porn unseen) , I promised to relate such tales as one of my storied years would've experienced in real-time, not as anecdotal legends recently unearthed in forgotten tombs of staunchest nerdity. My goal is to bring life to legends through my own personal experiences. I was there when it started and will be there when 50 years from now my grandson exploits me on youtubes for playing games I bought him for his birthday.
I'll start with one of my favorites.
My best friend Jeff got a NES in 87. His mother was a Realtor/Drunk during the big boom of the early 80's. So they were well off. I didn't have a NES of my own at this point and all I heard from him day in day out was the sheer epicness, the untold scope of the free roaming adventure: The Legend of Zelda.
I questioned him incessantly about it. He became a personal FAQ before such things were waseven mused upon. I borrowed the instruction manual for the game and mooned over the artwork and goldness of it all. I memorized the controls and made notes of certain passages that may or may not have contained direct insights into the creator's vision, possibly deciphering arcane tracts of passage which would lead me to unknown treasures. I was obsessed.
As it was in those days, boys of similar ilk would coordinate through their respective parental units, "sleepovers". His house was really nice in comparison to mine. We didn't have central air (believe it) and he had Zelda, so the choice was clear.
We played all day and long into the night. We fought back the uncountable hoardes of whimsical monsters with fun names to say, were confouned by old men in caves with nothing to say, and braved the deep dark of jelly filled catacombs.
Before I'd gotten there he'd been saving his rupees for a red potion. When we'd earned enough we sought out the nearest vendor and traded with glee. We treated the newly purchased unction with reverence and swore to each other we'd never use it unless there was NO OTHER WAY. I'd never seen him more serious.
Eventually the hours got smaller and he fell fast asleep. I however was still agog with the experience, the wonder, the "holy fuck I'm playing Zelda!" of it all.
But then I found myself in something of a pickle. I was in a dungeon, right outside the door of a fearsome enemy whose loathsome screech was telltale of blood to be shed. The only problem was I was down to half a heart, but this was the best we'd done all night... and I had the potion...
So I used it.
Simultaneously, Jeff half roused out of his slumber by the sound of the potions work, issued a zombie like decree of "Noooooooooooooo" and as fast fell back to sleep. At the same time his mother bursts into the room in her underwear, chanting a somewhat staccato "No, no, no, no, no.." all the while pulling the plugs of various entertainment devices in an effort to curtail fun and leaving in a huff once every particle of light bearing machinery had breathed it's last.
This all happened in less than 5 seconds.
I sat there in the dark for what seemed an eternity.
Was I ashamed? Maybe. Had I betrayed my friend? Did I owe him 200 rupees? Would he ever trust me again?
I don't know. My mom came for me before he woke up the next morning. I left without saying goodbye. He was distant thereafter, and a few weeks later he moved to Pittsburgh. I never heard from him again.
Moral of the story: Red potions cost too damn much.