Oh, how history repeats itself.

Characters:
[Mr. Thomson] a helpful shop employee
[Mr. Roberts] a customer

Setting:
A counter with a large home-made sign above, clearly covering a GameStop sign. Mr. Thomson stands behind the counter as Mr. Roberts enters.

[Thomson]: Hello! Welcome to ReligionStop would you like to pre-order an afterlife?

[Roberts]: Well I suppose I might want to; but first the wife and I are looking for a religion and I was told that you have a large selection to choose from.

[Thomson]: Why yes, yes we have the largest selection of both new and used religions around. What kind of religion are you interested in?

[Roberts]: Well the wife and I aren't very experienced when it comes to religion. Perhaps you can tell me about what you have.

[Thomson]: Alright, might I suggest a brand new religion? It just came out last year. It's called Unitology.

[Roberts]: Sounds interesting, what's it all about?

[Thomson]: It's based on the teachings of a man called Michael Altman. Unitologists believe that an alien artifact holds the key to immortality.



[Roberts]: Immortality, sounds fantastic, I hope it's not too expensive.

[Thomson]: Well, to be honest, it is one of our more financially demanding religions. In order to move up the ranks of the church you have to give progressively greater amounts of money to the Unitology church.

[Roberts]: That's no good, the wife wouldn't ever agree to something so costly. What else do you have?

[Thomson]: Well I do have a relatively unknown religion, very unique and priced to move. It's call The Order. They're based out of a place called Silent Hill, a tranquil vacationing spot, quite lovely I'm told, good hotels and a top notch resort.



[Roberts]: They're not into ritualistic sacrifice of small children are they?

[Thomson]: Actually they are. Is that going to be a problem?

[Roberts]: Personally no, but again the wife wouldn't like it. She can be quite sentimental when it comes to children and small animals.

[Thomson]: What about this one, it's called Yevonism. They believe that a long time ago a powerful creature called Sin came and destroyed civilization because of their use of machina. So the religion bans the use of weapon-like machina and has Summoners who use Aeons to fight Sin. The Summoner also has Guardians who protect the Summoner as they quest to find the Final Summons and defeat Sin.



[Roberts]: Sounds too complicated, plus they're probably corrupt and just trying to control the people. It wouldn't surprise me if this Final Summons can't even defeat Sin.

[Thomson]: There's always the Church of Atom, they're a pretty simple religion.

[Roberts]: How so?

[Thomson]: Apparently they believe that atomic bombs are God and that detonation is holy.



[Roberts]: I like the pageantry in that idea but since the government owns all the atomic bombs it does bring up a sticky situation of separation of church and state.

[Thomson]: You could always make your own atomic bomb and worship it in the privacy of your own home.

[Roberts]: I'm afraid the wife's a real stick in the mud when it comes to weapons of mass destruction.

[Thomson]: Understood. There's a religion out of Spain that's all about community and togetherness. I think your wife might enjoy it. It's called Los Illuminado.

[Roberts]: Community is very important to my wife and me; what do they believe?

[Thomas]: They worship a parasitic organism called "Las Plagas". They're quite friendly people, real salt of the earth types.



[Roberts]: I'm sorry, you can call me a bigot but parasites give me the creeps and the wife won't even let one in the house.

[Thomson]: You should really be more open-minded.

[Roberts]: I know, I know. It's probably just the way I was raised, my parents passing on their prejudices and all. Those negative feelings are there and they're deep seated. I can only hope that, should the wife and I have children, we don't pass those prejudices on. It's really up to the future generation.

[Thomson]: You shouldn't give up on yourself so easily, we can all overcome our prejudices if we only try.

[Roberts]: I've tried, believe you me. In college I once had a tapeworm for two months but in the end I just couldn't handle it. I had to flush him.

[Thomson]: Clearly Los Illuminados is not for you.

[Roberts]: I apologize for being so difficult.

[Thomson]: Nonsense, what matters is that you find a religion that you'll enjoy and be comfortable with.

[Roberts]: What about you? You seem a nice enough sort. What religion are you a part of?

[Thomson]: Me? Right now I'm involved in Daedra worship.

[Roberts]: Daedra worship? I've never heard of that.

[Thomson]: Daedra are beings from another plane of existence called "Oblivion". There are over a dozen Daedra princes that rule there.



[Roberts]: Sounds interesting but I should hope they're not evil.

[Thomson]: A few people might call them evil but in my opinion they're simply amoral creatures with no concept of "good" or "evil". Besides visiting a daedric shrine can be very beneficial.

[Roberts]: How so?

[Thomson]: Once I visited a daedric shrine and got this cool skeleton key that let's me open any door I want.

[Roberts]: You know, I could use one of those. Daedric worship you say? I'll take it.

[Thomson]: Very good. Would you like the guide to go with that?

The End