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PraiseChaos avatar 12:53 PM on 12.20.2007  (server time)
My First Experience With Rock Band and Drunks

Rock Band is an amazing game. The game is so awesome that we were actually able to get one of our professors to try it out in our Student Union once. True story. That's the crappy YouTube video above.

From the moment I saw Rock Band, I knew that this game would be the ultimate game to play around drunks. Drunks develop magical powers when drunk, so they can do anything they put their minds to... Sort of...

This semester was particularly crappy for my friends and me, so, after the semester was over, we decided to have a NARP. We invited all of our friends who would still be in town. My best friend provided the booze. My other friend and I provided the Rock Band.

I'd like to get a few points of out of the way quickly. First of all, you will have a horrible time if you are the sober one of the group. Most people lose their ability to keep time and whatever little ability to carry a pitch they may have when drunk, so, unless you're drunk, you will leave with a headache that can only be described using a string of cursing that would make a hardened war veteran blush with shame. Also, if you are the resident Rock Band expert, don't let anyone know about it. You will play the more difficult instrument all night. Promise.

So, at the beginning of the evening, things were going okay. People weren't drunk yet, so it was usually pretty enjoyable to hear something at least try to sing and such. As more booze was passed out, the evening got worse.

People started getting crazy ideas as the drinks kept coming. People who had never touched a musical instrument in their lives started attempting to play things on the drums on Hard. These poor rejects would fail faster than a special child at Harvard. The drunks would scream things like "WHAT THE HELL? I WAS DEAD ON!"

The drunks eventually conquered the microphone. As I said before, drunks become magical when they get drunk. Everyone in the room was suddenly some bastard West Virginia version of Carrie Underwood sans talent. Each one would confidently step up to the mic, only for Rock Band to tell them to step back down.

"WHAT THE HELL? I WAS HITTING THAT PITCH EXACTLY! THIS GAME IS A PIECE OF SHIT." they would scream, while every sober musician is shaking their heads and trying to determine how drunk they had to be to believe they had really matched pitch.

Finally, the drunks decided on the greatest plan of all. The drunks decided that more vocals was better and that multiple drunks should sing at once...

It was at this time I convinced them that it needed more cowbell to try to prevent them from continuing to bastardize "Enter Sandman". No cowbells would be found on the premises, so the drunks returned to their mission.

The fact that the drunks were singing together didn't really bothered me until they started singing. The problem with drunks seems to be that, while they failed to match the pitch Rock Band wanted, they also failed to match the other's pitch. Imagine, if you will, two girls and a guy trying to sing "Highway Star." Three voices. Three different off-key pitches. All three pitches are wrong.

I began to pray for the Red Ring of Death. It would have been a blessing from Microsoft.

Finally, my sober friends had had enough. We decided to go back to my own apartment to play Rock Band where we could rock out without our ears bleeding... Unfortunately, we had to take my hard drive back with me. The drunks, with their highly developed sense of wtf?, quickly (by drunk standards) realized that my hard drive had most of the DLC and songs unlocked. The drunks then migrated to my apartment. Epic fail on my part.

Moral of the story: Don't play Rock Band with drunks unless you plan on being drunk too. This simple tip makes you all think you have musical talent and that's good for everyone's self-esteem!

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