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3:02 PM on 03.10.2008

Hitler was NOT a good man, Itemforty!


- Hitler shortly before never calling this girl back ever again.

It's well known fact that Hitler and his legion of facehuggers were a team of formidable political figures. Enough so to even sway the majority vote of Germany, which is a feat in and of itself. BELIEVE me.

Note: Experts say that without his army of facehuggers, history would have been different. Facehuggers, as a rule, are naturally talented at typesetting and marketing strategies, giving Hitler that edge up over his opponent from the Union party.


- Jim, Manager of the Political Marketing and Propoganda team at play.

Regardless of his political clout, Hitler and his team were absolutely terrible at the art of military strategy. Try as they might, the Facehugger Advisory Group (FAG) were unable to sway the twitching mind of Hitler, who in a fit of opiates and absinthe told his weapon-making dwarves that the world's first assault rifle was "ugly," and didn't field it. He had the dwarves shaved and thrown into the local lava pits, so common with Germany.

5 minutes later the Soviets froze the entirety of Germany with their Tesla Ice Guns, stole the dwarven prototype, and 2 short years later we had the AK-47. In the wintery blast, the facehuggers didn't survive. Adolf Hitler found himself heartbroken for the first time.

From here he replaced most of his body with machines through dark Nazi sciences, and drank nothing but gasoline until pre-Ultimate Captain America came and wrecked his shit. Always bet on the Captain.


- Post-surgery Hilter trying to shoot Captain America (off-screen).

Point is, sure he was a politician, and 9 times out of 10 politicians are actually rad to party with, but underneath his smooth, fast-talkin' exterior he was a crackpot who had nothing to do with sex or video games; and everything to do with alien alliances and debauchery. Not the sexy type of debauchery, the fucked up kind where you lay your eggs in countless hooker's chests, do insane mountains of blow all at once and then sell used cars.

The guy was a cunt.


- Hitler after the loss of his Marketing team, and close friends, 1945


- The bust of WWII-era Captain America placed in the center of Manhattan island in honor of how fucking bad-ass the Captain is. **Not shown: The engraving on the back of the base which states, "Bitches ain't shit," the popular motto of Captain America's friend Tony 'Iron Man' Stark, who drunkenly etched that into the still-drying concrete base during it's construction.   read


9:41 AM on 02.18.2008

Oh dip. It's almost arting time again!

After failing once again to produce regular blogs here, where I have decided to start blogging, I have deigned to speak yet again. I might even mention video games this time. Whoa!

Yesterday I finally got the wretched Wordpress site overhaul done for that contract client. You know, the one I keep complaining about in the IRC? Yeah. It's taken far far longer than I wanted, but all that remains is bringing it up to live status. This is good news due to the fact that Wordpress has taken up pretty much every moment of my free time, as well as the time I spend bullshitting at work. I could have been bullshitting so much more had this not been the case.

So I'm pleased to see I can almost finally put the shit to bed. It just goes to show it would be difficult and irresponsible for me to take on contracts in the future, until I am fixed via radiation vibes and pills and thus becoming the superhuman being I was intended to be in the original script. Then, all bets are off.

What this means is I'll probably be doing art again soon! I'm excited about that, because I like doing art. It's sort of an artist thing, ya know? Anyway, these arts will likely be posted here in more blogs that aren't about video games. That's how I roll.

Speaking of video games, that's another thing this particular site project kept me from doing. I'm sure by now I would hop into TF2 and get my ass handed right to me. I used to rule at TF2. I strictly remember ruling. I would likely not rule these days. I just don't know about teams and their fortresses anymore and it's sad.

As a gamer, who has just come back to gaming in some capacity after a long delay, I feel it's important that I take the time to actually play games. But, when I have epic amounts of Wordpress horseshit to wade through for months, that prevents me from playing games while simultaneously making me look like an idiot. Not fun. Therefore, empirical science dictates that it would be foolish for me to ever do contract jobs again. I mean, fuck 'em, right?

So, upcoming stuff from me: Artz and TF2. I need to dig up the Dtoid server info here soon and hop on so at least people I generally like can hand me my ass. But watch out, fuckers. I will eventually get my groove back and possibly rule yet again.

Shortly after this, I might actually branch out and play some different game, which i will talk about in further detail, but really, are there any complaints with TF2? I have none. It is multiplayer greatness, and I am a but a simple man with simple cares. Pay no attention to me.   read


1:29 PM on 02.02.2008

New job... No art :(

Hello again! I have failed at my blogging duties yet again, enough so that the malevolent Dtoid robots post insulting comments on my pages about how big a failure I am and how small my dick is. It's like they've known me forever!

Anyway, I finally landed a job again. This is good news. It's actually my old job again, which is kind of cool. Phones suck, but it's money and I like money.

Additionally, I have been working on a side contract for a webside design to attempt to make some money in these tragic times. Do keep in mind I haven't been paid by my former employer is about 3 months.

What this all means for me is "no time for art." I'm admittedly crushed by this, and hoping that soon I'll be able to kick out some more stuff. In the meantime, my portfolio, other projects, and Atheistium are all sitting by eating their hot dogs and getting mad at me. It's stressful to say the least.

The only solace I have at the moment are brief naps and REZ HD. How sexy is that shit? Fuck yeah!   read


9:06 PM on 01.27.2008

Scribblings

Hello again! It's the second day in a row that I've posted! What a deal!

Today was all Artrage work. I'm not at all used to the more traditional painting programs, nor do I have any kind of solid background in such a medium, but a program like Artrage seems to be a good start. For $20, you can't beat it.

So I took some cues from around the internets and went with it. The problem with this program is that it's very relaxing and fun to play around with, but I've been rarely pleased with the outcome, as a whole. Today I'm pretty happy with the results, and I'll let you all be the judge. Once judged, we can all go get lunch. Good times!

Orbital Strike - Artrage - approx. 30 minutes:
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2:35 AM on 01.27.2008

lookitzartz!

My dearest Destructoid,

It's been far too long, but I return with a renewed sense of vigor and candor. Trust me when I say I've missed you all, even those of you who don't know a thing about me. I missed you the most. For reals.

Anyway, the purpose of this post is to begin using this here c-blog as a repository for my efforts to find art again. I was an artist, and from what folks tell me, a pretty good one. But in the immortal words of Cursive, "We all know art is hard." True dat, Cursive, true dat.

So frustratingly difficult is it, that I inadvertently gave it up entirely. I can talk for many hours about the reasons why, but I'll try to keep it brief here. I started getting really into art around my middle-school age, though I'd drawn shit up until then. The thing that really grabbed me is what we all now know as Manga and Anime. I was head-over-tits for the shit and ate it up. Got really quite good at it, and argued for long times with my high school art teacher about how it was, in fact, art.

How wrong I was. If I can give any aspiring artist out there some really solid advice, fucking leave anime alone for 15 minutes and get the boring shit like real anatomy out of the way. I didn't, and it has stifled me as an artist in the long run. I'm just now getting to the serious stuff after 28 years of drawing, and completely refusing to deal with the classics. Foolish move.

Sure, I'll agree, anime is colorful and fun and all that, and there are some good lessons to learn from it, but it's a genre. A mere slice of art as a whole. A set style with it's own rules that are bent and changed to create new styles within it, but even these get their boundaries, and I think that's the issue.

Now, I know some of you are aching to argue with me about this, and that's fine. But I will boldly state that this is, in fact, not my opinion. It's goddamn fact. If you value your artistry and growth in whatever medium, understand that getting some good foundations in drawing actual life detail will serve you a lot better in the long run. Get that out of the way, and then go back to making your own preferred style. It opens up a shitload of possibilities, and that's a good thing. Especially if you plan to try to get a job doing art.

Ok, with that out of the way, I am officially announcing that today I arted. Yes, I have, for the first time in a little over 2 years, sat down and made something artistic. I'm pretty proud of it, overall, and of course there's stuff I think that could be better, but I'm not really looking for a critique. Just looking to share a really great experience with you, my dear friends. I hope you enjoy it. Additionally, I would like to explain that Itemforty recently explained to me the harrowing points-system featured here in the clogs. This is not a ploy to get more of those, because I don't know what they're for, nor do I care.

Thanks for your time. It's good to be back.

Artrage 2.5, Photoshop - 3 hours or so of playing around:
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1:46 AM on 01.01.2008

A new year

Let's all say goodbye to last year. Ok, done? Good. Now count out all the reasons last year sucked ass, and try your best to not do those again this year. Hooray!   read


8:34 PM on 11.27.2007

Goddammit... It's starting to look a lot like Christmas

First off, I'd like to say I just did terrible tonight on TF2. Gonna be a bad night.

Anyway, on with the topic. Yes, Easter is over now, and that means all holidays are skipped and we go right to Christmas here in the retail market. I'm beginning to think stores should just keep the Christmas shit up forever. Germany did.

Anyway, all this gets me thinking about the Salvation Army menz who stand outside of all Wal-Marts ringing their little bells for cash. I passed one tonight who wished me a merry Christmas, as per usual, and I thought. In this day and age, I wonder how badly the Salvation Army's seasonal charity events are suffering.

I like cash and all, but I rarely ever have any these days. This is because I have a card, just like everyone I know. Because of this, I got to wondering what a chart, or perhaps a graph might look like for the Salvation Army in the last 10 years. Just because banks got more technologically advanced. Good on you, banks.

Now let's start the countdown to when we either:

A) See little card-swipers on the stands next to the bell guys, or
B) Don't see the bell guys anymore.

This is an example of the sort of stuff I think about on a day-to-day basis. I wonder what the doctor's would say...   read


6:03 PM on 11.21.2007

Determination at it's finest

I don't have any of this stuff on me or anything, but I found this image and felt I needed to share it with a crowd.



It looks to me like this kid is going to make it. He's going to achieve his goals and master the world itself. Unbelievable. Butter.   read


7:54 PM on 11.05.2007

Post-Halloween Halloween post

I live in the heavily-populated north area of Austin Texas. Austin, as a whole, has only a few places where one could feasibly get shot or stabbed, and this is not one of them. I currently reside in a very family-oriented apartment complex right beside a few very family-oriented housing areas.

So Halloween rolls around... Why didn't anyone show up at my door?

Not that I was at all prepared for kids in various cheap costumes to come peddling for candy, but I was fully expecting it. Yet, not a soul showed up. Perhaps it was a general fear of one's children being shot or stabbed, but again, this ain't the neighborhood for that sort of thing. I work until about 3 or 4 in the morning and usually go out to pick up food or smokes or what-have-you. I think I could get away with dressing up in a suit made of cash screaming, "Will somebody please shoot, stab or beat me, tear this suit of money off of my body and leave me raped and violated in the gutter? PRETTY PLEASE?" I probably wouldn't even encounter another person.

Back to the holiday. I have enjoyed Halloween, as a whole, all my life. It is likely my most favored holiday of the holiday bunch, though I didn't have much invested in it this year due to business. So it crept up on me and I hardly noticed. Mostly due to the lack of Halloween-y folks wandering about, I guess.

Anyway, that's about all on my blog-plate this evening. Was the holiday as sparse and lackluster for you? I blame plastic, personally. Plastic was the worst thing to ever happen to Halloween.

That is all.   read


7:32 PM on 10.29.2007

Finding the rhythm... Of blogging.

I'm still getting the hang of blogging again. I will often think I have something cool to blog about, but then not have time to blog it. By the time I do have the opportunity to write it up, I forgot what it was I wanted to write about, or re-evaluated the topic and found it to suck.

So, to get my toes a little more wet in this crazy destructoid blog universe, I will simply make an art post.

This art is from 1999ish, and it is of girls with no intestines! Awesome!


Some stuff from a long-dead project! 2001! What a crazy year!



And lastly, 2002-2003. Some horrible years for wine, I hear.

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5:11 PM on 10.27.2007

PointingDevice: First blood!

Hello, Destructoid, I've made my first blog. Not my first ever, not by a long shot, but all my previous blogs died and are buried in the backyard of Itemforty's house.

For my first blog I was going to write about video games or something, but I am not in the mood at the moment.

"But PointingDevice, how can you not be in the mood to talk about video games?"

Because I had to stay up until 6am working to no avail, and then get up early to drive to the in-laws place. I like the in-laws place, but being this tired makes everything sour.

"But PointingDevice, I stayed up until 6am last night drinking and pwning nubs in TF2. SPIEZ ROOOL!"

Yeah, I guess spies are cool, but let me explain my situation and why it may differ from yours.

I have a child, you see. He is 4 months old and looks like this:


Sweet child, all things considered, but his arrival into this world caused me to get a night job, so's the woman could still work, see? So I did that. Real good job, let's me work whatever schedule I need, and work from home. Pays very well, too, which is always a plus.

Anyway, what this equates to is my wife goes to work in the day, leaving me to tend to the child until she gets home, in which case I start working until about 3 or 4am. Sleep for about 5 hours, and repeat. All week. By Friday I am so exhausted that I just want to bite strangers. Bite them on their stupid stranger faces. I'd let my child bite them too, but he has no teeth, so I think everyone would wind up disappointed. Point is, I have that in the life's plan. "Hey boy, I'm tired and irritable, go bite that strange woman over on that park bench. Atta boy."

Therefore, I'm pretty tired. That's my post. I'm tired. Maybe next time I will write about video games and some of you will like me. To get that started, here's a quick sketch I did of some cats and mice in a revolutionary-war era peace treaty... Temporary as it was, but that's a story for another time.

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