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I am a young sprout residing in the Dominion of Canada, a land rich in bacon and trees. The only goal I have is to evacuate this country and flail my limbs wildly in the United Kingdom instead.

I play video games because they are fun things but can also be art things too. I also like to bake things and enjoy listening to loud, obnoxious electronic music.

I tolerate living in a very small town far away from my friends with my mother while I search for work, preferably in a kitchen somewheres. Browsing Destructoid is my favorite thing to do to burn the large amount of free time I have.

I own a Nintendo 64, a Game Boy, a DS, a Wii, a PS2, an Xbox 360, and a laptop that can barely handle playing last-generation games.

While I played video games, I noticed that some were better than others. I took note and made a nice list of them.

- Super Mario Bros. 3
- The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask
- The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
- Resident Evil 4
- Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door
- Metroid Prime 2: Echoes
- Pokemon Crystal
- Diablo II
- Final Fantasy IX
- Animal Crossing

I have terrible taste in music. I am now going to impose it on you. These are the various musicians and bands that make me all fuzzy inside.

- Hadouken!
- Pendulum
- Black Sun Empire
- Far Too Loud
- Crystal Castles
- Lady GaGa
- Sophie Ellis-Bextor
- Coldplay
- Jamie T
- Feist

I also like video game music, much to the dismay of regular people. My favorite game soundtracks:

- Okami
- Super Mario RPG
- The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
- Final Fantasy XII
- We <3 Katamari
- Megaman 2
- Pokemon Gold & Silver
- Bit.Trip CORE
- Mario Kart 64
- Super Mario Galaxy

The only thing I like more than video games and terrible music is dessert. I like getting diabetes from oatmeal-chocolate chip cookies the best, but I also like a good chocolate cake, cherry pie, and hot cross buns.




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I downloaded an antique and exotic videogame called Bio Miracle Bokutte Upa, which is one of the few Japan-only games that the Nintendos was nice enough to put up on the virtual console for us North Americans. They charge an extra dollar for it (even though there is next to no text that needs translating) but I bought it anyways because it has a baby in it and also there are giant cakes in the background sometimes.



Bio Miracle Somethingorother is a game about a baby who has a rattle that can make animals inflate to balloony proportions. The baby must traverse various fanciful worlds made of cake and technology in order to find fairies for some reason. It all sounds very cute and charming, but it ISN'T ACTUALLY. Underneath all the pastry and pink pixies, there lies a dark and sinister current. A current made of narcotics and negligence and infanticide and other bad things!

With my extensive knowledge of Spanish, I deciphered the mysterious heiroglyphs in the game's title and figured out that in English it meant "Baby's First Marijuana Cigarette" probably. Bokutte Upa is obviously the story of a baby who was given a joint by his irresponsible and/or negligent parents and is forced to traverse many bizarre drug-induced hallucinations while the effects of the puff wear off. Not only that, but it is possible for the baby to die (!!!!) which makes this the most offensive game of history. If you combined Grand Theft Auto and Edmund the end result would still not be as offensive as this game which is very offensive.



In addition to drug abuse, child neglect and infanticide, the game forces you to abuse animals by inflating them, using them as platforms, and then watching as they pop. Unable to convey his frustration and sadness, the baby unleases his negative feelings by hurting charming wildlife. It's sad. I haven't reached the end of the game yet but it will probably be very tragic and will make children cry out in pain and confusion. Also, health pickups are bottles of baby formula and I heard on the radio once that baby formula is not as good for babies as breast milk so that is terrible too.

In conclusion, it is alright I suppose. It also has a level where you advance by eating through a cake. If we're going to be honest, your money might be better spent getting 3 candy bars instead but if you happen to be a diabetic or have a peanut allergy this is a worthwhile purchase.



(If I can stray totally off topic for a bit, I think the 2 new legendary pokemon for Black and White are a bit lame. Unless the white one turns out to be the Marshmallow pokemon and the black one is really the Licorice pokemon I don't think I am going to like them very much.)



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