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Poe avatar 2:11 PM on 05.30.2010  (server time)
I plaeyd a gaem w1th bab1es in it

I downloaded an antique and exotic videogame called Bio Miracle Bokutte Upa, which is one of the few Japan-only games that the Nintendos was nice enough to put up on the virtual console for us North Americans. They charge an extra dollar for it (even though there is next to no text that needs translating) but I bought it anyways because it has a baby in it and also there are giant cakes in the background sometimes.

Bio Miracle Somethingorother is a game about a baby who has a rattle that can make animals inflate to balloony proportions. The baby must traverse various fanciful worlds made of cake and technology in order to find fairies for some reason. It all sounds very cute and charming, but it ISN'T ACTUALLY. Underneath all the pastry and pink pixies, there lies a dark and sinister current. A current made of narcotics and negligence and infanticide and other bad things!

With my extensive knowledge of Spanish, I deciphered the mysterious heiroglyphs in the game's title and figured out that in English it meant "Baby's First Marijuana Cigarette" probably. Bokutte Upa is obviously the story of a baby who was given a joint by his irresponsible and/or negligent parents and is forced to traverse many bizarre drug-induced hallucinations while the effects of the puff wear off. Not only that, but it is possible for the baby to die (!!!!) which makes this the most offensive game of history. If you combined Grand Theft Auto and Edmund the end result would still not be as offensive as this game which is very offensive.

In addition to drug abuse, child neglect and infanticide, the game forces you to abuse animals by inflating them, using them as platforms, and then watching as they pop. Unable to convey his frustration and sadness, the baby unleases his negative feelings by hurting charming wildlife. It's sad. I haven't reached the end of the game yet but it will probably be very tragic and will make children cry out in pain and confusion. Also, health pickups are bottles of baby formula and I heard on the radio once that baby formula is not as good for babies as breast milk so that is terrible too.

In conclusion, it is alright I suppose. It also has a level where you advance by eating through a cake. If we're going to be honest, your money might be better spent getting 3 candy bars instead but if you happen to be a diabetic or have a peanut allergy this is a worthwhile purchase.

(If I can stray totally off topic for a bit, I think the 2 new legendary pokemon for Black and White are a bit lame. Unless the white one turns out to be the Marshmallow pokemon and the black one is really the Licorice pokemon I don't think I am going to like them very much.)

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