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About
I am a young sprout residing in the Dominion of Canada, a land rich in bacon and trees. The only goal I have is to evacuate this country and flail my limbs wildly in the United Kingdom instead.

I play video games because they are fun things but can also be art things too. I also like to bake things and enjoy listening to loud, obnoxious electronic music.

I tolerate living in a very small town far away from my friends with my mother while I search for work, preferably in a kitchen somewheres. Browsing Destructoid is my favorite thing to do to burn the large amount of free time I have.

I own a Nintendo 64, a Game Boy, a DS, a Wii, a PS2, an Xbox 360, and a laptop that can barely handle playing last-generation games.

While I played video games, I noticed that some were better than others. I took note and made a nice list of them.

- Super Mario Bros. 3
- The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask
- The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
- Resident Evil 4
- Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door
- Metroid Prime 2: Echoes
- Pokemon Crystal
- Diablo II
- Final Fantasy IX
- Animal Crossing

I have terrible taste in music. I am now going to impose it on you. These are the various musicians and bands that make me all fuzzy inside.

- Hadouken!
- Pendulum
- Black Sun Empire
- Far Too Loud
- Crystal Castles
- Lady GaGa
- Sophie Ellis-Bextor
- Coldplay
- Jamie T
- Feist

I also like video game music, much to the dismay of regular people. My favorite game soundtracks:

- Okami
- Super Mario RPG
- The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
- Final Fantasy XII
- We <3 Katamari
- Megaman 2
- Pokemon Gold & Silver
- Bit.Trip CORE
- Mario Kart 64
- Super Mario Galaxy

The only thing I like more than video games and terrible music is dessert. I like getting diabetes from oatmeal-chocolate chip cookies the best, but I also like a good chocolate cake, cherry pie, and hot cross buns.




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Hello, organisms. Having recently found this neat iPhone-focused gaming blog and realizing it had been 36357324 years since I had bothered to check the iTunes App Store for potential funtimes, I did a bit of browsing and bought snazzy games Pix'n Love Rush and Bit Trip Beat: iPhone Jamboree.



"Unfortunately," Poe said with a sharp bite of palpable frustration, "I realized after purchasing these games that my 1st gen iPod Touch was catastrophically obsolete and could not run them." I had been labouring under the wrong and sillypants assumption that the App Store was a fair and unprejudiced place where iPod Touches and iPhones of all generations and operating systems could play together in harmony, but of course technology isn't fond of working that way.

Luckily, that pair of games cost 2 dollars in total, so I was able to do some more scouring to find a nice little piece of fun that my pathetic and emotionally stunted iPod could actually play. Behold, the fruits of my quest:



Kerplinkus caught my eye immediately because it was placed in a section called "Retro Games" which contains ports of old games and new games that look like old games, and 2) it is quite pretty. Contrary to what the game's title might suggest, Kerplinkus has nothing to do with Kerplunk or Plinko. It is actually one of those rascally games that at first seems to be beating that dead horse known as the falling-block puzzle genre but is secretly a basket full of good times.



You destroy those pretty blocks by moving a block directly underneath a falling same-coloured block and letting them collide. You can make great big explody chains by setting up a bunch of same-colour blocks side by side as long as one of the blocks in the chain is in the path of its falling brethren. On my first round I wasn't terribly enthralled, but the game eventually wrapped its pixelly, rainbow-hued tendrils around me and wouldn't let go.

I'm not aware of how popular this game is, but its App Store page has no reviews and searching for "Kerplinkus" on Destructoid turned up nothing. Also, I managed to reach the game's top 100 leaderboard on my third try (#34), so either the game isn't being played by a lot of people or iPhone gamers are rubbish. It is 2 dollars and has shapes and colours, so there is no reason why this game should end up drooping in obscurity.

Here is an introductory movie:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlwcsscPAAI

...and here is a link to the store page for cool dudes only:
http://itunes.apple.com/ca/app/kerplinkus/id360876467?mt=8








The toothpick came out clean and the cows came back home so it is time for me to write a blog.



I downloaded the angsty hate-pustule known as Castlevania the Third back in October of last year, and I still can't beat it. I managed to beat the original Castlevania just fine and the only thing that prevented me from beating Castlevania II was not knowing the game's arcane and ridiculous secrets that could only be found in a walkthrough. Castlevania the Third reaches near Zelda II-ian levels of difficulty for me, and if I respect myself I think I will stop trying to beat it like I did with Zelda II so many years ago. Not only are the bosses vicious meany poopheads, the electricity has gone out four separate times while I was playing which meant I had to start over from the beginning. OMG WHY IS LIFE SO HARD.

Back in that Steam sale that happened whenever it happened, I bought Shatter which is a brilliant game that I played and then beat and then played again because it was that brilliant. Games that are centered around beating a high score don't hold much appeal for me but, like the Bit Trip games, Shatter is very nice to look at and the music makes the good chemicals run through my brain. Speaking of Bit Trip, I wonder if anyone has compared the two of these games at all because it seems to me Bit Trip Beat did much the same thing with Pong that Shatter did with Arkanoid. I had a dream last night where I ate in the same restaurant as Alex Neuse or my old French teacher. They kind of look similar so I couldn't quite tell.

I heard from the Wikipedia that the UK had its own version of Law and Order so I definitely didn't torrent it and watch some. It's just like Law and Order Regular Type except with 100% moar british accents and bit more overcast. There is also one other major difference:



Court people wear these exotic headdresses that make them look olde tyme professional.

I visited my nice and good brother last week or sometime and we went out to a Japanese-Korean food distribution depot. I had something that came in a box and had raw fish and barbequed eel in it, and it was hella tasty. I like how my adult tongue can appreciate all sorts of different things compared to my childhood tongue which only ever wanted potato chips and kool-aid. While I was at my brother's house I took the opportunity to play Super Mario's in da Galaxy Part II which is definitely amazing and that one galaxy that was actually Whomp's Fortress got nostalgia all up my nose and in my eyes. I don't care for Super Mario 64 that much, but back in those old times when I was practically still a fetus I played the entrails out of that game and being able to revisit a place I saw a million times as a kid was really nice. They even kept the pink bob-ombs. And they made the woobly pink bob-omb sound that pink bob-ombs make.



I've never really understood yorkshire pudding. Yorkshire pudding isn't really pudding, it's the weird British definition of pudding which can mean all kinds of things. It's really just bread that is really fussy and easy to screw up. It has a fairly bland taste that is supposed to be mitigated by lots of gravy. I've had yorkshire pudding twice in my whole life and it was quite tasty but I don't know what the whole fuss is about. Both times I had it, the pudding was also served alongside regular bread, as if there is some secret consensus amongst a certain group of people that y-shire pudding is in some other astral plane beyond the food group that includes bread and is actually its own special food group to rule all other food groups.



Okay blogtime is over I had fun I hope you did too byeeee










That E3 festival that happened last week put the serious smiles on my face. Amongst announcements of Nintendo's shiny new handheld with 3D-o-vision and the announcement of a brand new Paper Mario which was honestly my favorite moment of the show, we got to see the brand new Zelda game. I am a huge Zelda fan, and thus I poured over every piece of footage I could find to get a proper picture of what to expect from it. From what we've all seen, I am only more curious and excited than I was back when we only had a single piece of concept art to pick apart. The art direction looks splendid, the demo music sounds upbeat and beautiful and the environments look much more tight and exciting than the sprawling-yet-sterile areas that are so common in Twilight Princess.

With this generally optimistic impression I went to a Zelda fansite I used to frequent to see what other people thought, and I was fucking traumatized. The kind of venom and vitriol I found there was more akin to a parent's reaction to finding out their friendly neighbor violently raped their only child, or a world-class gourmet's impressions of a double-down. The depth of misery coursing through these people's veins was palpable and terrifying. There was only one thing I could think of in the midst of this stinking pool of disappointment and contempt.

This seemed more poignant to me at that moment than ever before. Here I was, a long-time Zelda fan revelling in the thrill and excitement of the series' newest installment, and my Zelda-loving peers were having a literal e-aneurysm over it. What had they been witness to that I hadn't? Had I missed something important? Is life just a series of random, uncontrollable circumstances? Is there a God, and if so does he like chocolate chip cookies? So many mammoth questions were stirring in my head, and with these queries I dove into the heated discussion for the purposes of doing serious Zelda-related JOURNALISMS.



These ....... are quotes. I couldn't have made these up. These are things that were said by people who claim to be Zelda fans.

"Easily the biggest disappointment of the show so far."

"I hate those graphics. I can't believe they went back to cartoony. How can you take this seriously with adult link?"

"That ain't right, they really shouldn't be allowed to get away with this."

"I freaking hate this cell shaded BS."

"After 365 days of anticipation and excitement, I feel entirely pissed on."

"And isn't Link supposed to look cool? Look at him. Look at those baggy pants, the low detail, the boring face, and that terrible hair style. It looks like early gamecube era."

And THIS is the one that really got me:

"As far as the story goes, I'll pass judgment after I play it, but I agree that Aonuma's 'placing emphasis on fun over the story' comment is nothing but alarming."

Yes, it's a fucking tragedy that Nintendo would even think of making a game fun.

...and this brings me to the second half of this blog's title, why I love Destructoid. The dialogue I saw amongst Dtoiders during E3 was just fun to read. People were talking about how happy they were about some announcements, how excited they were, and having a communal laugh over some of the show's less brilliant points like the Kinect event and Konami's one mirrion troobs. I didn't see anyone be a sad panda, and if there were sad faces, they were all overpowered by the general atmosphere of delight. No one was rocking back and forth in their swivel chairs screaming THESE GAMES ARE LIKE A POISON TO ME AND I WOULD LIKE TO GET HIT BY AN AUTOMOBILE SO THAT THIS TERRIBLE ANGUISH WOULD JUST STOP KTHX. No one exclaimed that they felt cheated or betrayed or hungry at any of the announcements at E3.



It is so shocking to hang around a site whose motto is STFUAJPG to then step outside it for half a second and be overwhelmed by the degree of contempt and anger people have over videogames, the things they apparently like so much that they want to spend their free time talking about them on the internet. I don't understand. Why can't people be happy?

















I downloaded an antique and exotic videogame called Bio Miracle Bokutte Upa, which is one of the few Japan-only games that the Nintendos was nice enough to put up on the virtual console for us North Americans. They charge an extra dollar for it (even though there is next to no text that needs translating) but I bought it anyways because it has a baby in it and also there are giant cakes in the background sometimes.



Bio Miracle Somethingorother is a game about a baby who has a rattle that can make animals inflate to balloony proportions. The baby must traverse various fanciful worlds made of cake and technology in order to find fairies for some reason. It all sounds very cute and charming, but it ISN'T ACTUALLY. Underneath all the pastry and pink pixies, there lies a dark and sinister current. A current made of narcotics and negligence and infanticide and other bad things!

With my extensive knowledge of Spanish, I deciphered the mysterious heiroglyphs in the game's title and figured out that in English it meant "Baby's First Marijuana Cigarette" probably. Bokutte Upa is obviously the story of a baby who was given a joint by his irresponsible and/or negligent parents and is forced to traverse many bizarre drug-induced hallucinations while the effects of the puff wear off. Not only that, but it is possible for the baby to die (!!!!) which makes this the most offensive game of history. If you combined Grand Theft Auto and Edmund the end result would still not be as offensive as this game which is very offensive.



In addition to drug abuse, child neglect and infanticide, the game forces you to abuse animals by inflating them, using them as platforms, and then watching as they pop. Unable to convey his frustration and sadness, the baby unleases his negative feelings by hurting charming wildlife. It's sad. I haven't reached the end of the game yet but it will probably be very tragic and will make children cry out in pain and confusion. Also, health pickups are bottles of baby formula and I heard on the radio once that baby formula is not as good for babies as breast milk so that is terrible too.

In conclusion, it is alright I suppose. It also has a level where you advance by eating through a cake. If we're going to be honest, your money might be better spent getting 3 candy bars instead but if you happen to be a diabetic or have a peanut allergy this is a worthwhile purchase.



(If I can stray totally off topic for a bit, I think the 2 new legendary pokemon for Black and White are a bit lame. Unless the white one turns out to be the Marshmallow pokemon and the black one is really the Licorice pokemon I don't think I am going to like them very much.)








I noticed that many people were making lists on the c-blogs and when I see a lot of people doing something together it makes me feel quite insecure and out of the loop so I am going to make a list of my own and be one of the cool kids.

Top 5 Videogames of ever
1) Super Mario Bros. 3
2) The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask
3) The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
4) Resident Evil 4
5) Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door

Top 5 Videogames I like but would not suggest to other people
1) Metroid Prime 2: Echoes
2) Megaman 8
3) Kirby's Dream Land 3
4) Super Mario Sunshine
5) Final Fantasy III DS

Top 5 Videogame Pastries
1) The Cake (Portal)
2) Chronoberry Pie (The Misadventures of P.B. Winterbottom)
3) Toy Time Galaxy (Super Mario Galaxy)
4) Firefly Tart (Little Big Adventure 2)
5) Gourmet Guy's Cake (Paper Mario)

Top 5 Mario Power-ups
1) Tanooki Suit (Super Mario Bros. 3)
2) Bee Suit (Super Mario Galaxy)
3) Penguin Suit (New Super Mario Bros. Wii)
4) Metal Cap (Super Mario 64)
5) Flying Cap (Super Mario 64)

Top 5 Zelda Items
1) Double Clawshot (Twilight Princess)
2) Ball & Chain (Twilight Princess)
3) Deku Leaf (Wind Waker)
4) Invisible Cape (A Link to the Past)
5) Boomerang (Link's Awakening)

Top 5 Pizza Toppings
1) Mozzarella (I mean really)
2) Pepperoni
3) Onions
4) Mushrooms
5) Sausage

Top 5 of my Videogame Achievements
1) Beating Yiazmat (Final Fantasy XII)
2) Finishing the Pit of 100 Trials (Paper Mario: TTYD)
3) Washing Gracie's Car Perfectly (Animal Crossing)
4) Finding all Pickups Without a Guide (Metroid Prime 2)
5) Completing the Game Without Dying (The Legend of Zelda)

Top 5 Genres I Wish I Liked Moar:
1) Shmups
2) Fightans
3) RTSes
4) Rhythm games
5) Dreamcast (This is a genre I have decided)

Top 5 Portrayals of Princess Toadstool
1) Super Mario Bros. 2
2) Paper Mario
3) Super Mario 64
4) Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door
5) Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars

Top 5 Videogame Diets
1) The Raw Vegetable Diet (Ice Climber)
2) The Fruit-Ghost-Prescription Medication Diet (Pac-Man)
3) The Cough Medicine & Tomatoes Diet (Kirby's Adventure)
4) The Frogs & Frogs Alone Diet (Final Fantasy IX)
5) The Chicken-in-a-Wall Diet (Castlevania)

Top 7 1/2 Videogame Characters
1) Starman (Super Mario Bros.)
2) Luigi (Paper Mario: TTYD)
3) Salvatore (The Wind Waker)
4) GLaDOS (Portal)
5) Rosalina (Super Mario Galaxy)
6) Quina Quen (Final Fantasy IX)
7) Dancing Hills (Super Mario Bros. 3)
1/2) Waddle Dee

Top 10 Videogame Songs
1) "Reset" Instrumental Version (Okami)
2) The Forest Maze (Super Mario RPG)
3) Spirit Temple (Ocarina of Time)
4) Gusty Garden Galaxy (Super Mario Galaxy)
5) Kalamari Desert (Mario Kart 64)
6) Quick Man (Megaman 2)
7) Phon Coast (Final Fantasy XII)
8) Exploration (Bit Trip Core)
9) Baby Universe (We Lurv Katamari)
10) Mr Resetti's Theme (Animal Crossing)

And there you have it. I hope my list brought enough tweaks and innovations to the classic List formula to make it exciting and engaging.