As a proper Hyrule Historian, I have spent many years pouring over various documents, studies regarding the Triforce, various incarnations of our Legendary Hero, the Royal Family, the Seven Sages and the various evils that always plague our lands. That the cycle begins once more is something that concerns me deeply and, allegedly Her Royal Highness, Princess Zelda, as well, which is why I've asked her to speak with us here at The Deku Times.
Tatl: Welcome, Your Highness.
Zelda: Thank you for inviting me.
Tatl: As you very well know, evil has once again emerged in our lands and while we're waiting for the Legendary Hero to emerge, our towns and villages are under assault by Ganondorf's minions.
Zelda: Yes, it is an occurance that deeply concerns me. Rest assured, the Royal Family is doing all they can to aid our people as we seek out the Legendary Hero and pray the Sages awaken as well.
Tatl: Right. Tell me, why are you such an evil bitch?
Tatl: Are you in collusion with Ganondorf and his army?
Zelda: NO! Why would you say such dreadful things?
Tatl: Well, it just seems to me that every hundred years or so, whatever seal that was holding Ganondorf back breaks and once again Hyrule is under seige by the Prince of Darkness and his armies. Is that not true?
Zelda: But the Royal Family and I have nothing to do with the attacks!
Tatl: Hmph, well, I can't help but notice each time evil arises that six people are either kidnapped, go missing or die and by every Hero's account their spirits go on to a realm where they combine their powers with a member of the royal-family - always named Zelda - to seal away Ganondorf after the Hero lands the killing blow with the Blade of Evil's Bane, the Master Sword. Am I right so far?
Zelda: Well, yes, that is correct.
Tatl: And is it also correct that your ancestors never really have to go to that realm to be part of this seal - they just initiate the spell?
Zelda: Kind of, I guess.
Tatl: Seems like a pretty sweet deal.
Zelda: Oh, it is...
Tatl: So you admit it then?
Zelda: YES! Long has the Goddess Hylia stirred within me and, over the centuries in her conflicts with the various agents of Demise, she's grown fond of this game of cat-and-mouse with Ganondorf in particular. She longs to feel the touch of Demise and his vessels, to caress his trembling skin and pull on his firey red mane!
Tatl: Sounds steamy. Can you tell use more about Ganondorf?
Zelda: I've been to see him, you know, five or six times already these last few weeks. Our desires are... unconventional. He's such a powerful man, but with such great responsibility there are days he just wants to kneel before a goddess and who am I to refuse when I am one?
I have a some special binds I created, forged from light - which weakens him, but not enough to kill him - not without the Master Sword in play. Then, I'll shoot light arrows into him. He begs me for more each time.
Tatl: So you and your ancestors were never really kidnapped?
Zelda: Oh, no, not once. All accounts of our kidnappings are false. Other way around, really, I own Ganondorf. He's my subbie. We just let him play the mastermind because that's part of my kink. I've let him use the Royal Castle as his fortress more times than I can count. It's our little love nest.
Tatl: So how does the Legendary Hero play into all of this?
Zelda: Tease and denial.
Tatl: I beg your pardon?
Zelda: Ganondorf wants the entire Triforce so badly. Courage, Wisdom, Power... but as his mistress I know what ruin comes to the world when I let him have the whole thing, so we have our safeword in the form of the Legendary Hero. When I whisper "Courage," my little Dorfy knows its time to be sealed away again.
Plus there's the battles and struggles leading up to that. Ganondorf fights for me out of love and devotion, but having a handsome, effeminte boy become my unwitting pawn and eventual pet is also a big turn on.
When he deals the decisive blow to Ganondorf, I use the lifeforce of the sages to bind and seal Ganondorf for a hundred years or so, away from my touch, suffering for me until I decide to let him out to play again through one of my descendants.
As for the Hero, hmmmmm... he's always so pretty. Your historial accounts always tell of him vanishing into obscurity, but I always manage to convince his various incarnations to stick around because they look so much nicer as one of my maids. There's not really much else for him to do after he returns the Master Sword to its rightful place, so they live out the rest of their lives waiting on me hand and foot - though I also have fun with them in the dungeon. Fire and Ice arrows.
Tatl: This is all so hot. Um, I'm very, very sorry for what I said earlier. It was very unprofessional of me, er, Goddess? A-are you into fairy girls?
Zelda: I am very much into fairy girls so long as they submit to me. In fact, I could use someone like you. Someone has to bring our Legendary Hero back from the brink after I stick several arrows in him,. You would heal his wounds and restore that soft, fair skin. I may also have other ... uses for a fairy.
Tatl: I draw the line at butts, unless its your heavenly hindquarters. I'll heal guys, but I'm not into them.
Zelda: I can respect that, what do you want your safeword to be?
Tatl: HEY LISTEN!
Zelda: Uh, yeah, that'll work. Well, shall we?
Tatl: Yes, Goddess!
Whenever I listen to feminists like that Anna Snarkeesia, I find most of their points agreeable - but then they start talking about how female characters are designed for the male gays. They seem really insistant that characters like Bayonetta are made with the male gays in mind.
Now, I'm sure gay men think Bayonetta is sexy and fabulous. I can even see fashion designers looking at her and going, "Yes," but I think this view is very limiting. I mean, what about the female gays? Or bisexuals? Or even heterosexual males? I think feminists that fixate on the male gays are kind of throwing everyone else under the bus here. Even if heterosexual women don't want to sleep with Bayonetta they might like her style, personality or that she kicks serious amounts of ass.
I'm a lesbian superheroine and I have to say that the dominatrix-librarian-with-a-pixie-cut look that Bayonetta currently has appeals to me. British accents and long legs also do it for me. It's like Bayonetta was designed with all my weaknesses in mind - she might be my kryptonite and I'd want to give in to her.
I would love to sleep with Bayonetta. If she can kick an F-16 into the air and fight angels and demons on them, then I want her legs around me, her hands all over me and her lips on mine. Or we could just go out for coffee. Or lounge on a couch and chat about Umbra witch stuff, I guess. Whatever she wants, really. I guess I shouldn't impose because she's clearly a top.
I would also love to have stiletto heels that double as guns. That means I could quadruple-wield guns, which is cool as hell and what girl wouldn't want such things? Guys would think twice, perhaps even two more times before pestering a woman wth gun heels on the street - especially in US states with open-carry laws.
Anyway, I think this whole "male gays" thing is barking up the wrong tree. I don't know why some feminists are so hung up on this. It doesn't seem very intersectional. Alina Sarcophogas can shut it on this issue. Bayonetta is awesome and if she was designed for the male gays, that's fine, but It seems like plenty of other people like her, too.
Today, I was informed that I have super powers. I did not know this but, if true, I'm eager to find out what they are. According to this very inclusive eSports group for women, being bisexual, lesbian or transgender make you exceptional at League of Legends.
So exceptional that there can only be one of us LGBT types per team or the whole team gets banned for a year. I'm not bisexual, but I am those other two things, so I must be really OP - like that time they gave Batman a Green Lantern ring.
I just have to wonder, though - is that all? Are there more powers at my command beyond excelling at League of Legends? How do I access them? Must I play League of Legends to make these incredible powers emerge and mature? I've never played LoL before, but if that's the case I'll start buying my characters right now!
Will I become one with the Speed Force? Do I have heat vision? Spider-senses? Was I exposed to gamma radiation so can I turn big, sexy and green like She-Hulk? Oooh, can I have Green Lantern powers like Jade? She's also green. I wouldn't mind being green if I had amazing powers. I'd sleep with Gamora.
Will I grow wings? Please tell me I'll grow wings! I'd love to become a real fairy - lIke that level 80 one in Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne! That pixie had the ultimate healing, lightning and almighty spells, allowing her to lay waste to a lot of things and restore the health of her allies. She even resurrected the dead!
Healing seems ot be a common power among fairies and one I wouldn't mind having - at least so long as I didn't become small enough to be bottled and saved for later to help some jerk in his hour of need. I hope I'm a Great Fairy, though, and that I get my own fountain and perhaps give adventures powers of their own if they've earned it.
That or a weird mask.
Health restoration I'd have to charge for and I'd make a business of it. I wouldn't complain if it was just Tinkerbell's powers, though, because she can help make people fly for limited periods of time. I could charge for that, too!
I'll have to come up with a superheroine name, for criminals are a superstitious and cowerdly lot. I'd also need to design a costume. I guess I could go with a lavender one-piece bathing suit, teal knee-high boots and matching fingerless gloves. Hopefully I won't need a cape if I grow wings. I'd need other outifts, too, since I have to think about merchandising, comic books. movie deals and competing with Wonder Woman. She has a lot of different outfits. Different outfits mean more action figure and doll sales.
I knew being bitten by a radioactive lesbian was going to pay off one day!
For years and years, weird people on the internet have been trying to find the Citizen Kane of video games, likely in some desperate plea for acceptance from older generations busy being frightened by Fox News or CNN. You will get no argument from me that Metroid Prime is one of the finest games ever made, but let's be real here - if Metroid ever had a film equivalent, it was the Alien franchise. Comparing it to Citzen Kane is a stretch and I'm saying that as someone that doesn't know much of it beyond "Rosebud" and the slowclapping .gif.
I'm a child of the 80s and 90s. The greatest films of my generation star Bill Murray. Caddyshack, Ghostbusters, Quick Change, Space Jam and Zombieland are just some of the legendary films he has appeared in, at least before women ruined childhoods forever by pushing for an all-female Space Jam film to be made.
Many game developers have valiantly tried to adapt Bill Murray's films into video game form, resulting in Outlaw Golf, Luigi's Mansion, Grand Theft Auto V, NBA Street and Dead Rising. Many of these were hit-or-miss adaptations and no developer really hit paydirt until Eiji Aonuma watched Groundhog Day and thought, "I can totally make a Zelda game about this, but I'm going to have to get Miyomoto really drunk." Thus, The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask was born after a lot of his paychecks were spent on saki.
Seriously, though. Majora's Mask is the Groundhog Day of video games.
In Groundhog Day, we find a TV meteorologist named Phil living the same day over and over again. What started as an out-of-town assignment to report on the Groundhog Day events in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania turns into a time loop and Phil is the only person aware of this strange occurance.
I'm going to avoid spoiling too much, but if you want to stop now and watch it before proceeding, you can find it on Netflix or rent it online off of Amazon, iTunes, Youtube or Google Play. It is well worth the three bucks for a rent.
To keep this brief, Phil is a jerk and the movie is kind of a twist on A Christmas Carol - or in Bill Murray's case, Scrooged. Rather than deal with ghosts of past, present and future, though, Phil is going to learn to become a better person through a lot of trial and error within a seemingly infinite time loop. The dude learns French, how to play piano, ice-sculpting and gets to know everyone in town. He clearly makes good use of his time trapped in Punxsutawney. He could have been in there for decades given the skills he picks up.
He does develop a god complex for a short while after a rather self-destructive phase, but he later uses this strange situation to become a better person, to develop a sense of empathy, help others and successfully woo his producer, Rita, into a genuine loving relationship and this breaks the loop.
So live the same day over and over, become a better person, help others and become a god - at least for one constantly-recurring day. That's Groundhog Day.
Now, in The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask you're Link, so you can't be a big jerk. Fortunately, we have an antagonist for that - the Skull Kid - who now possessses Majora's Mask and is out causing all kinds of mischief and trouble. The game starts with him stealing Link's horse and the Ocarina of Time, then luring Link into one of Hyrule's many alternate dimensions - this one is known as Termina - and then promptly turns Link into Deku Scrub.
That and he's also calling the moon to fall down on Termina.
Big. Jerk. Even Phil wasn't that much of an ass.
Upon Link's arrival into Termina proper, Link runs into that creepy Happy Mask Salesman, who happened to be robbed of Majora's Mask by the Skull Kid. He sees they have a common enemy and goals, so he tasks Link with reclaiming Majora's Mask in addition to the ocarina. If Link can do this he'll help Link solve that whole turned-into-a-Deku-Scrub problem he's having.
It takes three days of tracking Skull Kid down, but Link gets the ocarina back. Unfortunately, the moon is about to fall on Termina, so he plays the Song of Time to get the hell out of there and finds himself back at the start of the three days. Seeing the ocarina in hand, the Salesman teaches Link the "Song of Healing,' which restores his human form, but when Link doesn't produce Majora's Mask the Salesman is kinda ticked off and insists that Link finish the job.
After he stopped angrily shaking Link and puts him down, anyway.
And so the quest begins. Link will relive these three days over and over until he reclaims Epona and Majora's Mask. In the meantime, he gets to learn all the ins-and-outs of Termina and its people.
What really stood out to me about this game was how each event in the game was connected to the larger story and every NPC had a very deliberate day-to-day routine. While a game like Persona 4 has characters living on schedules, you don't see them lived out in real time or get the immediate sense of purpose that brings. The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim has characters living out set schedules in real time but "I light the torches at night" or "I do blacksmithing" tends to be the entire depth of many of its characters.
Majora's Mask occupies the middle ground, giving the NPCs the charm and spark they need to carry their daily routine convincingly while not loading the player down with too much talk.
So you will meet and interact with every character on this bit of Majora's Mask art and they will go about their routines as each of the three days progress. It is pretty amazing how detailed the game gets and it reflects the level of detail put into the events of Groundhog Day. Once you get to know these characters and the reasons behind their routines, their presence over those three days feels less repetitive and more meaningful.
Each of the characters In Majora's Mask also have their own problems, from the childish mischief of The Bombers to the anxiety and urgency the Postman feels despite his dutiful image to everyone in town. What's more is that as that dreaded, leering moon looms in closer and closer over the three days, many of these characters' dispositions will change as well. Some will despair, lose hope or drink themselves stupid as that moon inches closer and closer to bring them oblivion.
And where most Zeldas make the people of Hyrule secondary to poking around dungeons, Majora's Mask does the direct opposite with Termnia and its people. They reduced the number of traditional dungeons to four in favor of making the world of Termina and its people the bigger puzzle to solve. That said, those four dungeons are possibly the most mind-bending of all Zelda games out there.
That's its own subject, though. More than beating any dungeon your mission is to bring these people hope again - and to stop the moon from killing everyone.
So, yes, like Phil, Link will get to know Termina intimately and gain numerous new skills, though in this case its transforming into a Deku Scrub, Zora or Goron and collecting masks to solve various problems. Link gets to to learn play horns, electric guitar and drums, too.
Oh, and he also becomes fierce diety as a result of doing all of this.
Live the same three days over and over, help others and become a god. Sounds familiar.
A certain someone also becomes better person and is redeemed. Link was already a good guy, but here he proves once again why he's the Hero of Time and, personally, I think he's a bigger person here than he ever was in Ocarina of Time. I'm not saying that because he gets the Giant's Mask and goes Godzilla on a boss.
Majora's Mask is the Groundhog Day of video games. I rest my case.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a creepy mapmaker to go punch. He gets a little too excited about meeting little boys dressed in green.
As I've posted in the past, I am totally a fire marshal. I am also known to have uncovered the vast, far-reaching YJW catspiracy and lead the charge on dumping chocolate syrup and marshmellows on those that disagree with what I like to eat. All of this has been done in the name of advancing ethics in games journalism!
But as you all know, by drawing breath each day, I also have an agenda. Actually, they send it out to me at the start of every year on rainbow-themed paper, complete with clouds and unicorns on the pages. It is really an itinerary of sorts, telling me how I must collude and conspire with others to get various things to come to pass - things like converting Ellen Page to our ways, getting Laverne Cox on the cover of Time and ruining marriage and Dragon Age for heterosexuals. Not everyone can have Sera, but we did make sure everyone could have Iron Bull and I think that was a good choice.
This is not just our doing, however, we also have the Reptillian Empress Sark, DARPA and our Inferno Goddess to thank for making this all possible. By getting a bunch of kids to rage and flame on about women with opinions rather than actually talk about ethics, Intel has saw fit to fund us and our partners to the tune of 300 million dollars! Now certain poor souls at Intel must attend seminars in which they must learn how to not be assholes to other people. Or, for polite people, three hours they don't have to work, can poke at thier smartphones and drink coffee.
So 2014's edition of "The Gay Agenda" went off without a hitch for the most part and, okay, I was totally in on the YJW thing more than I "uncovered" it. I figure it was just time to disclose in full so I can move forward with a clean conscience.
But what will come in 2015's Gay Agenda? What does the future hold? Well, many things. Marriage is not fully ruined for hetreosexuals in America and Europe yet, so there's that. We're working on that Hobby Lobby problem, seeing if we can get a glitter embargo going against them - because that's our stuff. It's how we converted Ellen Page and Zachary Quinto, after all.
We're also looking at Persona 5 and seeing what we can do with that because while Kanji and Naoto were cool, we think we can do better. We also have Ellen Page courting Bioware to see if we can just make Shadow Realms an all-lesbian affair.
We're in talks with Sony about having Nathan Drake come out as gay. Its just time they admitted it. Kratos, too. He's just been so frustrated and angry for so long and, really, he cleaned out the entire Greek pantheon because he's not felt fulfilled. Putting him in Shovel Knight just isn't going to be enough and the Roman and Norse pantheons would like to live. Loki just took out Odin for Kratos, so yeah, let's just make them an item and call it a day. We made Thor a woman, so why not?
We took 8chan down the other day by pouring chocolate syrup in thier servers, just for a bit and for giggles. The real hit is coming later, but not from us at all because hey, kiddie porn is apparently 8chan's thing. We only have a gay agenda and it includes nothing like that so we'll just step aside and let the law do its thing. We have radio pundits to give aneurysims anyway.
Also, we've decided we really need Natalie Portman and that black guy in the stormtrooper costume. We've made the glitter bombs needed, armed our minions with them and the deed should be done shortly. They will become one of us.
That said, we also made sure that Bioware and Pixie Productions were getting on those Mass Effect HD remasters and optimizing them for a first-person bedroom mode with Project Morpheus. It is our gift to you since while we know you're so tired of remasters, the first person thing went so well for GTA5. A secret rendevous with a random cast member will be added because, really, we know some of you were just hoping Garrus would come in and take you hard unannounced.
I think I've said enough. Maybe too much. If I say any more I might get kicked out of the agenda-planning for 2016 and I really want to make sure we get Lupita Nyong'o by then. She is severely adorable and I forgot to add her because the idea of Natalie Portman and Mass Effect HD remasters were already overwhelming me. My head was in the clouds as I sealed the envelope and mailed my agenda submissions away on Christmas Eve.
Now, all there is left to do for me is to hop in that huge bin of sweet, sweet Intel money. 2015 is looking great!
This a place between mind and matter, between dreams and reality. A place where various sides of one's self, the various masks they harbor, emerge from the sea of the soul. The self suffused in divine love, the self capable of demonic cruelty and other fun things and stuff.
Welcome to the Velvet Room. My Velvet Room. Or maybe it could be our Velvet Room. The Destructoid Community Blog Velvet Room! That's kind of a mouthful, which is why I didn't make it the headline.
Anyway, I am currently on the third floor of the the third labyrinth in Persona Q and happily fusing new Sub-Personas. I've shared a few here and there, but I've not gotten many from Streetpasses and the ones I have gotten there are kinda crap. Thankfully, there's another way to get Sub-Personas from other players - QR codes!
But I don't want just any QR codes - I want Persona Q QR codes from Destructoid users so we can share them, help each other and I can build the Destructoid Sub-Persona Compendium!
If you're unfamiliar with the process of sharing QR codes from the 3DS. I can explain. First you need to arrive at a point in the game where Marie resumes her duty of communicating with other worlds, then enter the Velvet Room. From there choose the "Streetpass Book" and "Edit Own Book" options, then the option to attach a Sub-Persona.
You can pick any Sub-Persona you want from what you currently have available to you. Do not worry, you will not lose what is chosen and what is chosen for the book will stay in place until you edit the book - even if you fuse that Sub-Persona away.
After that, back up to the previous menu page and select "QR Code" and the option to create one.
Now that you've made the code you have two ways to access the image to share. You can either use 3DS Image Share (instructions are found in the 3DS browser) and first post it to social media or pull the file from your SD card directly (which is faster, to be honest). The file can be found in the "102NIN03" folder found within the DCIM folder, which is where 3DS camera images reside. The QR Code will be the final image in the folder.
Now, you Sub-Personas - show me them! If I can collect enough, I'll sort out the best to make as complete a compendium as possible and post it at a later date. Share as many as you like!
Here are some of my own creations!
I made this Fortuna for my Map Navigator, who I chose to be Fuuka. This Sub-Persona will let you gather more enemy material drops, harvest more rare materials from P-Spots, allow you to see hints of treasure, secret passages and FOEs ahead as well as prevent pre-emptive strikes against the party and replenish HP as you explore dungeons.
Good fortune indeed awaits you with this Sub-Persona!
My next Sub-Persona was a happy Fusion accident, Rangda, the topless torso lady in dire need of a manicure.
This one still has skills to learn, but this version is geared toward very physical characters who aren't afraid to dish out as much as they can take. This Rangda is a good companion for Kanji, Akihiko or Shinjiro in particular since their high HP can capitalize on potent skills like Aeon Rain and Zanshinken or allow them to tank hits with Pain Eater (when she learns it) and Immunity Buffer. Party attack buffs and enemy debuffs also help them contribute with thier low magic pools without losing too much SP in a fight.
Next up is everyone's favorite bringer of pestilence and conquest, White Rider!
This a Persona I crafted for Mitsuru a while back. Death magic, Guillotine and Demon's Stab add variety to her skill set and boost her frontline role, though at the cost of no protection against fire. The addition of Megido mixes well when Mitsuru learns Power Charge. A splendid choice for executioners not afraid of a little flame.
For backline fighters I present Pavarti to you, a balanced Sub-Persona for magical offense and party healing.
She boasts powerful lighting magic, in fact, she eats lightning! Loves the stuff! And when she's not about lightning, she has potent healing magic and can cure status ailments placed on the group. Her magic also cannot be silenced! I found her a great pairing for Yukiko and Aigis in particular, though she's a fitting companion for Yukari and Naoto as well.
Finally, three high ranking fairies to fortify frontlines from fierce magic! Alliteration!
This is no midsummer night's dream - Titania, Oberon and Queen Mab are here! All come with the passive skill Runic Shield, which provides a good chance to null magic damage on a party line. Oberon is designed to protect further from wind and lightning while I made Titania give up lightning for potent fire and wind magic. Queen Mab can do supreme single-target lighting damage! As with Pavarti, Titania and Queen Mab cannot have their magic bound!
Take good care of my Sub-Personas, they have served me well! Now show me what emerges from the sea of your soul!