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As I've posted in the past, I am totally a fire marshal. I am also known to have uncovered the vast, far-reaching YJW catspiracy and lead the charge on dumping chocolate syrup and marshmellows on those that disagree with what I like to eat. All of this has been done in the name of advancing ethics in games journalism!
But as you all know, by drawing breath each day, I also have an agenda. Actually, they send it out to me at the start of every year on rainbow-themed paper, complete with clouds and unicorns on the pages. It is really an itinerary of sorts, telling me how I must collude and conspire with others to get various things to come to pass - things like converting Ellen Page to our ways, getting Laverne Cox on the cover of Time and ruining marriage and Dragon Age for heterosexuals. Not everyone can have Sera, but we did make sure everyone could have Iron Bull and I think that was a good choice.
This is not just our doing, however, we also have the Reptillian Empress Sark, DARPA and our Inferno Goddess to thank for making this all possible. By getting a bunch of kids to rage and flame on about women with opinions rather than actually talk about ethics, Intel has saw fit to fund us and our partners to the tune of 300 million dollars! Now certain poor souls at Intel must attend seminars in which they must learn how to not be assholes to other people. Or, for polite people, three hours they don't have to work, can poke at thier smartphones and drink coffee.
So 2014's edition of "The Gay Agenda" went off without a hitch for the most part and, okay, I was totally in on the YJW thing more than I "uncovered" it. I figure it was just time to disclose in full so I can move forward with a clean conscience.
But what will come in 2015's Gay Agenda? What does the future hold? Well, many things. Marriage is not fully ruined for hetreosexuals in America and Europe yet, so there's that. We're working on that Hobby Lobby problem, seeing if we can get a glitter embargo going against them - because that's our stuff. It's how we converted Ellen Page and Zachary Quinto, after all.
We're also looking at Persona 5 and seeing what we can do with that because while Kanji and Naoto were cool, we think we can do better. We also have Ellen Page courting Bioware to see if we can just make Shadow Realms an all-lesbian affair.
We're in talks with Sony about having Nathan Drake come out as gay. Its just time they admitted it. Kratos, too. He's just been so frustrated and angry for so long and, really, he cleaned out the entire Greek pantheon because he's not felt fulfilled. Putting him in Shovel Knight just isn't going to be enough and the Roman and Norse pantheons would like to live. Loki just took out Odin for Kratos, so yeah, let's just make them an item and call it a day. We made Thor a woman, so why not?
We took 8chan down the other day by pouring chocolate syrup in thier servers, just for a bit and for giggles. The real hit is coming later, but not from us at all because hey, kiddie porn is apparently 8chan's thing. We only have a gay agenda and it includes nothing like that so we'll just step aside and let the law do its thing. We have radio pundits to give aneurysims anyway.
Also, we've decided we really need Natalie Portman and that black guy in the stormtrooper costume. We've made the glitter bombs needed, armed our minions with them and the deed should be done shortly. They will become one of us.
That said, we also made sure that Bioware and Pixie Productions were getting on those Mass Effect HD remasters and optimizing them for a first-person bedroom mode with Project Morpheus. It is our gift to you since while we know you're so tired of remasters, the first person thing went so well for GTA5. A secret rendevous with a random cast member will be added because, really, we know some of you were just hoping Garrus would come in and take you hard unannounced.
I think I've said enough. Maybe too much. If I say any more I might get kicked out of the agenda-planning for 2016 and I really want to make sure we get Lupita Nyong'o by then. She is severely adorable and I forgot to add her because the idea of Natalie Portman and Mass Effect HD remasters were already overwhelming me. My head was in the clouds as I sealed the envelope and mailed my agenda submissions away on Christmas Eve.
Now, all there is left to do for me is to hop in that huge bin of sweet, sweet Intel money. 2015 is looking great!
This a place between mind and matter, between dreams and reality. A place where various sides of one's self, the various masks they harbor, emerge from the sea of the soul. The self suffused in divine love, the self capable of demonic cruelty and other fun things and stuff.
Welcome to the Velvet Room. My Velvet Room. Or maybe it could be our Velvet Room. The Destructoid Community Blog Velvet Room! That's kind of a mouthful, which is why I didn't make it the headline.
Anyway, I am currently on the third floor of the the third labyrinth in Persona Q and happily fusing new Sub-Personas. I've shared a few here and there, but I've not gotten many from Streetpasses and the ones I have gotten there are kinda crap. Thankfully, there's another way to get Sub-Personas from other players - QR codes!
But I don't want just any QR codes - I want Persona Q QR codes from Destructoid users so we can share them, help each other and I can build the Destructoid Sub-Persona Compendium!
If you're unfamiliar with the process of sharing QR codes from the 3DS. I can explain. First you need to arrive at a point in the game where Marie resumes her duty of communicating with other worlds, then enter the Velvet Room. From there choose the "Streetpass Book" and "Edit Own Book" options, then the option to attach a Sub-Persona.
You can pick any Sub-Persona you want from what you currently have available to you. Do not worry, you will not lose what is chosen and what is chosen for the book will stay in place until you edit the book - even if you fuse that Sub-Persona away.
After that, back up to the previous menu page and select "QR Code" and the option to create one.
Now that you've made the code you have two ways to access the image to share. You can either use 3DS Image Share (instructions are found in the 3DS browser) and first post it to social media or pull the file from your SD card directly (which is faster, to be honest). The file can be found in the "102NIN03" folder found within the DCIM folder, which is where 3DS camera images reside. The QR Code will be the final image in the folder.
Now, you Sub-Personas - show me them! If I can collect enough, I'll sort out the best to make as complete a compendium as possible and post it at a later date. Share as many as you like!
Here are some of my own creations!
I made this Fortuna for my Map Navigator, who I chose to be Fuuka. This Sub-Persona will let you gather more enemy material drops, harvest more rare materials from P-Spots, allow you to see hints of treasure, secret passages and FOEs ahead as well as prevent pre-emptive strikes against the party and replenish HP as you explore dungeons.
Good fortune indeed awaits you with this Sub-Persona!
My next Sub-Persona was a happy Fusion accident, Rangda, the topless torso lady in dire need of a manicure.
This one still has skills to learn, but this version is geared toward very physical characters who aren't afraid to dish out as much as they can take. This Rangda is a good companion for Kanji, Akihiko or Shinjiro in particular since their high HP can capitalize on potent skills like Aeon Rain and Zanshinken or allow them to tank hits with Pain Eater (when she learns it) and Immunity Buffer. Party attack buffs and enemy debuffs also help them contribute with thier low magic pools without losing too much SP in a fight.
Next up is everyone's favorite bringer of pestilence and conquest, White Rider!
This a Persona I crafted for Mitsuru a while back. Death magic, Guillotine and Demon's Stab add variety to her skill set and boost her frontline role, though at the cost of no protection against fire. The addition of Megido mixes well when Mitsuru learns Power Charge. A splendid choice for executioners not afraid of a little flame.
For backline fighters I present Pavarti to you, a balanced Sub-Persona for magical offense and party healing.
She boasts powerful lighting magic, in fact, she eats lightning! Loves the stuff! And when she's not about lightning, she has potent healing magic and can cure status ailments placed on the group. Her magic also cannot be silenced! I found her a great pairing for Yukiko and Aigis in particular, though she's a fitting companion for Yukari and Naoto as well.
Finally, three high ranking fairies to fortify frontlines from fierce magic! Alliteration!
This is no midsummer night's dream - Titania, Oberon and Queen Mab are here! All come with the passive skill Runic Shield, which provides a good chance to null magic damage on a party line. Oberon is designed to protect further from wind and lightning while I made Titania give up lightning for potent fire and wind magic. Queen Mab can do supreme single-target lighting damage! As with Pavarti, Titania and Queen Mab cannot have their magic bound!
Take good care of my Sub-Personas, they have served me well! Now show me what emerges from the sea of your soul!
How am I supposed to feel when someone tells me to "Die" and that "You don't belong in this world?" I think that's kind of harsh phrasing and threatening for less 140 characters and, really, its not by my hand that I was once again given attention.
I was @-ed by humans that wished to pay me tribute, that's all. I didn't steal thier souls, make them my slaves or anything but I think I could say that about some religions doing that to people.
All right, #notallreligions, I hear that a lot. Still, the crusades, chopping off hands and swearing lives of total chastity seems a bit much for me and perhaps taking scripture too seriously. I actually love reading the Bible.
All I ever wanted was to drink blood, live forever and rule the world but somehow that's a bad thing.
These words are not empty, nor is my soul. That jerk said that about me, too. Again, these people just @ to me, I didn't claim to be the savior of mankind or anything.
And what is a man, really? I used to just say "a miserable pile of secrets" before social media. Its enough to make me want to toss this nice chardonnay I'm having. Most men are a miserable pile, little more.
Oh God, "#notallmen." Really? REALLY? I've lost two wives to mankind so far, but I know there are those desperate for my guidance so, yes, not all men. I happen to have human friends, you know. Like Shaft, for example, or those people that resurrected me and those two wives I lost. My son is also half-human! We have some differences of opinion and there was that time he, a Belmont had a sorceress killed me, but I do still love him.
Wait. Who just posted my address, bank information and images of my home here?
Why that little... I'm mentioned in a tweet?
Well, I guess there's nothing for it. This social media stuff just makes humans miserable to talk to - moreso than usual. I'll just delete this stupid app, get my minions ready and settle down on my throne with this nice bloody chardonnay I've been enjoying.
Enough tweets, have at you!
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure you've all gotten the memo by now. There are forces out there conspiring and colluding to make us all want to feel bad for enjoying delicious Oreo cookies. Several weeks ago, people started speaking against those who identify as Oreo-lovers and set out to make them feel bad for being Oreo-lovers.
As an Oreo-lover I was deeply affected by this. I cried as I dipped my Oreos in sweet, delicious vanilla almond milk and continued to eat them. Words on a screen were trying to make me feel bad and I couldn't help but weep in response. It still upsets me. How dare anyone criticize my love of Oreos! That eight people had similar opinions of Oreos on the internet within a similar period of time is proof to me an anti-Oero movement is at play and it must be stopped and silenced so ethical cookie enjoyment can prevail.
Anyway, this is why I have proposed Operation Corgi Jelly Doughnut. They're at it again, and this time they're after pastries. This anti-Oreo movement is not singing in universal praise of jelly-filled doughnuts, which means they are also anti-jelly doughnut. One doughnut reviewer thought jelly dougnuts were weird, gross and not as delicious as other doughnuts. As someone that has eaten jelly-filled doughnuts all my life and looks forward to the next jelly doughnut, I am deeply distressed by this.
So that is why I am asking you to get in contact with Krispy Kreme, Hostess and Dunkin Donuts to tell them to not give any doughnuts to those that don't like jelly doughnuts.
Don't look at me weird, this is about ethical snacking. We are a group of diverse snackers, each with our own tastes and opinions and I will fight for your right to have those opinions so long as you agree with me. This is important and if you disagree with anything I think of or feel you are an anti-Oero/anti-jelly doughnut shill colluding with the enemy and will be chased out of our secret snack base.
I only want ethical snack cosumption without experiencing shame.
Also, Bob, would you come forward?
Bob did a fantastic job the other day. You see, there was a peanut butter critic that was going to speak out about Reese's Pieces to a group of impressionable college students. Bob sent in a letter threatening the college to cancel the lecture or he would dump chocolate syrup and marshmellows on the audience and her as well. The talk was cancelled!
Good job, Bob, we're going to give you a Hawaiian-style pizza with jalapenos, chicken and barbeque sauce for stopping her from talking for a day. Enjoy, my friend, for you made the world safer for people that enjoy Reese's Pieces.
As for the rest of you, I want you to email and call Krispy Kreme, Dunkin Donuts and Hostess without delay. ACT POLITE and NORMAL when you do this. Tell them to not sell doughnuts to the anti-jelly doughnut faction.
Together we will silence anti-jelly doughnut dissent. Also aggressively use the hashtag #OperationCorgiJellyDonut on Twitter to make sure your voices are heard and that criticism of snackers and the snacks we like is ended so that ethics prevail. If you find anyone that disagrees with you, swarm them, throw chocolate syrup and marshmellows all over them and then tell them this is about ethics. Find them and do it every day until they give in and praise jelly doughnuts because this is about us being respected as snackers and we will not rest until everyone eats and thinks alike.
If they dare to complain about the syrup and marshmellows you dumped on them, tell them they did it to themselves. Some people will believe you. In fact, tell the victim they should expect it for speaking thier minds about jelly doughnuts. If they continue complaining, the totally biscuts thing to do would be advocating thier silence on the matter. Biscuts have had syrup dumped on them, too, after all - just not 24/7 like the anti-Reese's chick.
I heard she hates Oreos and jelly doughnuts, too. She deserves it.
And as for choosing Corgis as our mascot for these operations, it is because corgis are adorable and the opinions of dogs are easily swayed. Give a corgi a doughnut and you have an avatar of justice for life, one that will fight and die for your Oreos and Reese's Pieces though you probably shouldn't let dogs have those. We will continue to use corgis in our future operations not only because a secret supporter put us up to it but because it helps us appear as sympathic to outsiders.
In the days and weeks to come, I will relay to you details regarding Operations Corgi Chunky Soup, Corgi Chicken Waffles and Corgi Banana Ice Cream Sundae. For now, ladies and gentlemen, you have your orders.
Commence Operation Corgi Jelly Doughnut!
Last week I called dibs on Pikachu, though I generously let Script usurp my Smash dibs. It was confirmed last week via a Nintendo Direct that Pikachu is now a king, but that's fine - I have other royalty to turn my attentions two and she doesn't exactly have to be in Smash Bros. to count. My Queen, no, my Empress is coming to Persona 4 Ultimax as of now.
Chie, Yukiko, Rise, Naoto, Marie, Yukari and even the glorious Mitsuru Kirijo pale in contrast to the ultimate waifu powers of Velvet Room assistant, Margaret.
Her sense of calm and maturity always made a strong contrast with many other characters I met in the Persona games. Sure, Elizabeth is cute and aloof and I played her in Margaret's absence since I do like characters that do that Magneto projectile spam, but Margaret has my heart and always has.
Not just for her calm, grace, maturity or beauty, but also because of her eyes.
They say the eyes are the windows to the soul and, on most people not of the Vevet Room attendant variety, yellow eyes tend to come off as creepy and meanacing - but not on Margaret. The contain wisdom, fearlessness and the total willingness to wreck your shit if you're not up to snuff.
All those friends you made on your journey? All the bonds you forged? You're gonna need them if you want ot take her down. In the SMT multiverse Margaret stands near the top-teir of all megabosses. Her power is close to, if not competing with that of the Demi-Fiend and Raidou Kuzunoha and she'll give you fifty turns to beat her before she annihilates you and your buddies completely in Persona 4.
She's also not afaid to slap the swag out of you.
Your cute little Soejima personas aren't going ot be enough, either. You only get one persona when you fight her in the ring. Margaret rolls with four Kaneko classics such as Cu Chulainn, Yoshitsune, Ardha and Helel, the divine form of Lucifer, who will shove Megidolaon down your throat at her behest.
She's clearly been around. She has been in the presence of fairies, harnessed the power of samurai legends and watched Shiva and Pavarti become one divine being before gaining dominion over the prince of darkness.
Margaret also has a fight theme that beats all the rest, so there's also that.
I'd honestly just surrender and kneel before the Empress Margaret. You're not worthy of her. She is mine, forever... or at least sometime in the next few weeks when I have a PS3 again. You've been warned, hands off! Her glory is MINE.
Because video games.