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Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure you've all gotten the memo by now. There are forces out there conspiring and colluding to make us all want to feel bad for enjoying delicious Oreo cookies. Several weeks ago, people started speaking against those who identify as Oreo-lovers and set out to make them feel bad for being Oreo-lovers.
As an Oreo-lover I was deeply affected by this. I cried as I dipped my Oreos in sweet, delicious vanilla almond milk and continued to eat them. Words on a screen were trying to make me feel bad and I couldn't help but weep in response. It still upsets me. How dare anyone criticize my love of Oreos! That eight people had similar opinions of Oreos on the internet within a similar period of time is proof to me an anti-Oero movement is at play and it must be stopped and silenced so ethical cookie enjoyment can prevail.
Anyway, this is why I have proposed Operation Corgi Jelly Doughnut. They're at it again, and this time they're after pastries. This anti-Oreo movement is not singing in universal praise of jelly-filled doughnuts, which means they are also anti-jelly doughnut. One doughnut reviewer thought jelly dougnuts were weird, gross and not as delicious as other doughnuts. As someone that has eaten jelly-filled doughnuts all my life and looks forward to the next jelly doughnut, I am deeply distressed by this.
So that is why I am asking you to get in contact with Krispy Kreme, Hostess and Dunkin Donuts to tell them to not give any doughnuts to those that don't like jelly doughnuts.
Don't look at me weird, this is about ethical snacking. We are a group of diverse snackers, each with our own tastes and opinions and I will fight for your right to have those opinions so long as you agree with me. This is important and if you disagree with anything I think of or feel you are an anti-Oero/anti-jelly doughnut shill colluding with the enemy and will be chased out of our secret snack base.
I only want ethical snack cosumption without experiencing shame.
Also, Bob, would you come forward?
Bob did a fantastic job the other day. You see, there was a peanut butter critic that was going to speak out about Reese's Pieces to a group of impressionable college students. Bob sent in a letter threatening the college to cancel the lecture or he would dump chocolate syrup and marshmellows on the audience and her as well. The talk was cancelled!
Good job, Bob, we're going to give you a Hawaiian-style pizza with jalapenos, chicken and barbeque sauce for stopping her from talking for a day. Enjoy, my friend, for you made the world safer for people that enjoy Reese's Pieces.
As for the rest of you, I want you to email and call Krispy Kreme, Dunkin Donuts and Hostess without delay. ACT POLITE and NORMAL when you do this. Tell them to not sell doughnuts to the anti-jelly doughnut faction.
Together we will silence anti-jelly doughnut dissent. Also aggressively use the hashtag #OperationCorgiJellyDonut on Twitter to make sure your voices are heard and that criticism of snackers and the snacks we like is ended so that ethics prevail. If you find anyone that disagrees with you, swarm them, throw chocolate syrup and marshmellows all over them and then tell them this is about ethics. Find them and do it every day until they give in and praise jelly doughnuts because this is about us being respected as snackers and we will not rest until everyone eats and thinks alike.
If they dare to complain about the syrup and marshmellows you dumped on them, tell them they did it to themselves. Some people will believe you. In fact, tell the victim they should expect it for speaking thier minds about jelly doughnuts. If they continue complaining, the totally biscuts thing to do would be advocating thier silence on the matter. Biscuts have had syrup dumped on them, too, after all - just not 24/7 like the anti-Reese's chick.
I heard she hates Oreos and jelly doughnuts, too. She deserves it.
And as for choosing Corgis as our mascot for these operations, it is because corgis are adorable and the opinions of dogs are easily swayed. Give a corgi a doughnut and you have an avatar of justice for life, one that will fight and die for your Oreos and Reese's Pieces though you probably shouldn't let dogs have those. We will continue to use corgis in our future operations not only because a secret supporter put us up to it but because it helps us appear as sympathic to outsiders.
In the days and weeks to come, I will relay to you details regarding Operations Corgi Chunky Soup, Corgi Chicken Waffles and Corgi Banana Ice Cream Sundae. For now, ladies and gentlemen, you have your orders.
Commence Operation Corgi Jelly Doughnut!
Last week I called dibs on Pikachu, though I generously let Script usurp my Smash dibs. It was confirmed last week via a Nintendo Direct that Pikachu is now a king, but that's fine - I have other royalty to turn my attentions two and she doesn't exactly have to be in Smash Bros. to count. My Queen, no, my Empress is coming to Persona 4 Ultimax as of now.
Chie, Yukiko, Rise, Naoto, Marie, Yukari and even the glorious Mitsuru Kirijo pale in contrast to the ultimate waifu powers of Velvet Room assistant, Margaret.
Her sense of calm and maturity always made a strong contrast with many other characters I met in the Persona games. Sure, Elizabeth is cute and aloof and I played her in Margaret's absence since I do like characters that do that Magneto projectile spam, but Margaret has my heart and always has.
Not just for her calm, grace, maturity or beauty, but also because of her eyes.
They say the eyes are the windows to the soul and, on most people not of the Vevet Room attendant variety, yellow eyes tend to come off as creepy and meanacing - but not on Margaret. The contain wisdom, fearlessness and the total willingness to wreck your shit if you're not up to snuff.
All those friends you made on your journey? All the bonds you forged? You're gonna need them if you want ot take her down. In the SMT multiverse Margaret stands near the top-teir of all megabosses. Her power is close to, if not competing with that of the Demi-Fiend and Raidou Kuzunoha and she'll give you fifty turns to beat her before she annihilates you and your buddies completely in Persona 4.
She's also not afaid to slap the swag out of you.
Your cute little Soejima personas aren't going ot be enough, either. You only get one persona when you fight her in the ring. Margaret rolls with four Kaneko classics such as Cu Chulainn, Yoshitsune, Ardha and Helel, the divine form of Lucifer, who will shove Megidolaon down your throat at her behest.
She's clearly been around. She has been in the presence of fairies, harnessed the power of samurai legends and watched Shiva and Pavarti become one divine being before gaining dominion over the prince of darkness.
Margaret also has a fight theme that beats all the rest, so there's also that.
I'd honestly just surrender and kneel before the Empress Margaret. You're not worthy of her. She is mine, forever... or at least sometime in the next few weeks when I have a PS3 again. You've been warned, hands off! Her glory is MINE.
Because video games.
There's something I've just been able to unsee in Dragon Age: Inquistion.
It's Dorian. He looks like Freddie Mercury. I'm not really even a huge Queen fan, but the likeness is just difficult to ignore. I'm willing to go so far to say that he's fully Freddie Mercury in video game form.
Sure, sure, Dorian's a mage from the Tevinter Imperium, a nation where mages can live openly and freely and less magical people aren't so important. This is a switch from most of the world of Thedas, where the Chantry and its Templars hunt down or subjugate mages - but whatever, because Dorian is legitimately Freddie Mercury.
In fact, that he is Freddie Mercury should be the thing the gaming press makes sure we know. It should be the headline, the first thought the reader encounters and we should not be able to think of Dorian without hearing Queen's epic anthems.
Yes, Dorian is sarcastic and witty. He doesn't like his culture's obsession with breeding the perfect mage. He doesn't care for all the preening and posturing of his peers. This is because in his free time, when he's not exposing corruption in his nation, he's composing the next great power ballad HE can strut to - because he's Freddie Mercury.
I don't think the press emphasizing that he is Freddie Mercury is diminishing to his character at all. It could be his defining character trait! I know Dragon Age's writers and designers would rather people know about the lore, world, story, combat, exploration, customization and choice... but whatever, it also has Freddie Mercury as Dorian. If he and the Inquistion don't break out into song and perform "We Will Rock You" mid-battle at some point, I may be disappointed and reluctant to recommended the game to others. I'm hoping the writers thought of that. If not them, then EA's marketing department. Is there still time to throw together a little machinima set to "Bohemian Rhapsody?" I think so!
Can't unsee Freddie Mercury. Seriously.
I also hear Dorian will invite you to some private jam sessions - but only if you're a guy. I'm a little disappointed about that because I'm decent with a guitar. I guess if girls want to rock out with Dorian they'll have to make a male Inquisitor. Maybe I will on the second playthrough - DA:I is a roleplaying game, after all.