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I said this thing:
And won this thing:
There were also things in it, like music for my ears, art for my eyes, a case for my future New 3DS XL and a game that says you should draw the maps if you want to remember where to go. Also tarot cards to predict the future, but I think I need a longer nose to do that.
The best part? It also came with bubble wrap! It is very nice bedding material for fairies.
Thank you to Atlus and Destructoid for making a pixie's day with the Persona Q collector's edition! You are all honorary fairies now.
Also thank you for saving me $22 on Majora's Mask 3D. And letting me save my game to the SD card. Now I can get back to that rather festive dungeon I was in.
Over the years I've heard much about mythical "panda rings." I have been told game developers hand them out to certain groups of people to get them to buy their games. I imagine this is why you hear about about Bioware giving "panda rings to the faes" so much. Everyone at Bioware seems to be keen on fairies, making me a key demographic.
I had heard, especially from talk radio pundits - who would never say anything to get attention and the support of people - that those that obtain these panda rings get undue attention at the expense of the majority of people and these ring-bearers get all they desire. That made these rings sound really awesome.
After much searching and many inquiries I was able to obtain one of these coveted panda rings. I was excited to slip on this panda ring onto my finger and abuse such power. The world would be my oyster, everyone would proclaim me their queen and I would be wed to Evangeline Lilly and Zoe Saldana.
Nothing happened. No throne, no wives - not even any pandas.
At first, I thought something might be wrong with the ring. I gave it some thought and theorized that maybe since Bioware, Bethesda, Obsidian Games and other select developers handed these rings out I should play their games. Perhaps then the powers of the ring would activate and give me all that I desired.
So I played the Mass Effect trilogy, experiencing the life and battles of Commander Shepard and her allies. One might assume since I only date women in real life that I might make Shepard a heroic lover of women just like me, but no, I like to roleplay a very opportunistic and tempermental bisexual. A little Paragon here and Renegade choices when people cross me. Kind of like Han Solo except I don't turn dumb later in the trilogy.
My love life in the first game was... well... there wasn't one, to be honest. It seemed like Kaiden and Liara were my only real options. Kaiden was annoying. Liara was very pretty, but also painfully naive and boring. Aside from that mind-meld thing she did to me, I couldn't stay interested in her. Ashley wasn't interested in me and when her racism wasn't pissing me off, her voice was grating on my last nerve, so when the time came for a noble sacrifice I left her with Saren's bomb.
Kaiden might be whiney and needy, but at least he's useful and not a racist.
Anyway, I saved the Citadel and the Council from Saren and the Reapers, then moved on to Mass Effect 2. I died, was resurrected by Cerberus and went off on a journey to track down The Collectors that had previously killed me and wrecked my ship
Miranda was among the first people I met. She wasn't interested in me. Jacob was with her. He was never interesting. Jack wasn't interested in me unless she was threatening me. Samara, however, was totally my type. She was wise, experienced, gorgeous, honorable and commited to her duties as an Asari Justicar. I brought her on every mission I could. I love a mature woman in uniform and she had more than a few centuries on me!
We got to know each other really well, so I eventually made my feelings known.
She turned me down. I was crushed.
So, out of options, I turned to Thane Kiros. He was like an amphibious Adam Jensen and he was mysterious to boot. It didn't really go anywhere, though, mostly because he had that terminal illness and a life filled with regrets. I comforted him as best I could and I think we just ended up as really good friends. I had to get a private dance from Kelly to get my mind off all his depressing stuff.
In the end we all survived the suicide mission against The Collectors, but Kelly was turned to goo for Reaper parts. Still nothing from the panda ring, even after all that.
In Mass Effect 3, I had a chance to get caught up with Thane, at least before he was killed defending a politican from a space ninja. After that I was single again, but I did avenge him by skewering that ninja later on.
Over the course of the game my replacement for Kelly, Samantha, turned out to be rather interesting, fun and engaging. We talked lots between my missions, played chess and, well, one thing led to another and she became my girlfriend. I liked her quite a bit, plus her interest in taking showers together made up for that robot fetish she had. She also kept me honest by instructing me on good dental hygiene.
And so it was decided - after I saved the galaxy from the Reapers one last time we would get married, get a house with a white picket fence and have two kids. And then a star kid gave me four choices, I picked one and I died, leaving Samantha a widow.
Even before I looked to check the ring again, I was pretty sure Bioware was giving me the opposite of what I wanted. I put on the ring once more and nothing happened. No throne, no Evangeline and Zoe.
I played Fallout: New Vegas, slept with Benny and killed him, then tried to woo Veronika but that didn't go anywhere. I ended up screwing over the NCR, the Legion and Mr. House to take New Vegas and the Hoover Dam for myself. In Skyrim, I joined up with the Stormcloaks, learned to shout like a dragon and eventually met a vampire named Serana who had no interest in a relationship even after biting me, drinking my blood and turning me into a vampire. So I married that girl in Whiterun and tore her away from her dreams of running a tavern there so she could be my captive housewife in Solitude - and then I just adventured with Serana all the time.
Nothing from the ring.
So, I've come to the conclusion that this panda ring does not work as advertised. Bioware, Bethesda and Obsidian Games all seem to give me the same nuanced experiences other people get regardless of my interests and differing choices. I did not experience anything different or special because these game developers liked faes. I've heard people make a big fuss about blue, green and red endings, but I'm more cranky about that dying-and-not-being-with-Samantha thing. I could live without Veronika, but Serana would have also been nice.
I'll never trust a panda again. Screw those guys. I guess I can live with the games, though, even if I don't always get what I want. Still, is sitting on a throne and having Zoe Saldana rest her head on my shoulder too much to want from life?
The Inferno Goddess moves in mysterious ways. I am only one of Her priestesses but it as recently come to my attention that a TV show depicted alleged Inferno Goddess worshippers in a negative light. I'll be frank, not everyone genuinely loves my Goddess and are really just arsonists. We do not like them or condone their actions and when they pass on from this mortal coil She will immolate their souls rather than have them join with Her to burn forever.
So when someone portrays arsonists in a negative light on TV, the Goddess doesn't get upset. That TV show is not talking about Her or Her genuinely devoted worshippers. They're talking about arsonists. We burn offerings for our Goddess out of love for Her and only at designated places of worship. Arsonists burn things out of malice toward others. When they run to my Goddess as an excuse for their deeds, we turn them away - though some them now weirdly claim it was about ethics when running to us doesn't work out.
Recently the arsonists went to Change.org to demand that water parks apologize for how these TV shows had depicted them.
Now, I'll admit Inferno Goddess and the Aqua Goddess are not the best of friends - they really only get along where grease and gasoline fires are concerned. Even though Inferno Goddess dislikes water otherwise She doesn't see the connection between these water parks, their Aqua Goddess, water-worshippers and how TV shows are written, much less why these parks should apologize to arsonist assholes for being depicted as arsonist assholes.
We don't think the water parks need to apologize for what NBC writers do. We stand in agreement with Aqua Goddess and her followers on this.
And really, people use this Change.org thing for all kinds of weird crap it really wasn't intended for. I've seen it used to ask Nintendo to make Super Smash Bros. for PS Vita or to demand studios make games they want. One of my fellow worshippers tried to petition for the creation of a mansion for Inferno Goddess to live in, but given that She is living flame and we lost a few places before this, we told him to take it down.
Its not like She has a problem staying warm anyway.
I'd love to see Her all the time, but She only really appears when She needs to. She has, however, asked us to counter the existence of these water parks by building Her a gasoline park so She, too, can enjoy some spring and summer fun in the sun. She thinks gasoline prices are at a reasonable stage for us to pull this off and its been a while since She's gone for a dip. We are now in the process of converting an oil refinery for this purpose.
We think She's earned it.
If there's one thing you can count on from fans of The Legend of Zelda, its consistency. These people know what they want. Zelda fans today complain that the series is always more of the same, which is why when The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds was released it was met with lavish praise and Game of the Year awards for breaking from tradition and literally reusing the same overworld map from A Link to the Past.
I tease, of course. Well, I'm teasing the game, at least. Zelda fans are just plain weird at times. ALBW did a damn fine job of revisiting a classic Zelda setting while upending the table elswhere. It was the world of LTTP many hundred years a later and some of the landscape and the alternate dimension of Lorule were actually different. The dungeon structure was also more open-ended thanks to items being rented from a shop rather than found in dungeons.
Ever since Eiji Aonuma took the director's chair for the Zelda series, he's always found interesting ways to subvert the classic Zelda formula. Time loops, burying kingdoms under the sea, founding new kingdoms with railways and putting cities in the sky - Aonuma enjoys shaking the series up a bit.
Still, its interesting that amidst the accusations that Zelda is always more of the same that Aonuma's first full Zelda game, Majora's Mask, was anything but and met with derision from fans for being totally different.
When I originally played Majora's Mask, it had released a few weeks after Shenmue and I was just a few weeks away from graduating college. While I used the internet a lot in college - way more than back home since a T1 connection thrashed 56k - I never used gaming forums. I was still mostly getting my game news from magazines, looking foward to games like Phantasy Star Online or Onimusha, looking up tips on Perfect Dark - that sort of thing. Plus I had tons of student clubs to attend, I wrote for the campus paper, helped plan events, made flyers and worked in games amidst all that and classes. There just wasn't much time to chat about games online.
Anyway, Majora's Mask and Shenmue were unlike anything I had played before. These games had living, breathing worlds, full of characters that had daily routines and some even had friendships, relationships and working or leisure hours. Majora's Mask even had one of my favorite science-fiction tropes as a feature - a time loop. It also scaled back the number of dungeons to emphasize the world, its characters and the game also had a much richer story than any Zelda before it.
Still, the game was a bit overwhelming and no magazine was recent enough to help me figure out some of the quests, so I decided to use a gaming forum for the first time.
Rather than answer my questions, though, users there thought it better to insult what I was enjoying and instruct me to play Ocarina of Time or A Link to the Past instead. When I told them I had already played those games and was looking for help with Majora's Mask, they just offered of checklist of reasons why Majora's Mask "sucked." I was wrong, dammit, and they were going to make me see the light.
Because Majora's Mask didn't have eight dungeons. Ganon wasn't in it. Link didn't grow up. There was no Triforce or Seven Sages to find. It seemed, for them, that a Zelda game could only be a real Zelda game if it had these things. That and time limits were bad, mmmkay?
Apparently they also hadn't played Link's Awakening, which also broke away from that formula somewhat. Of course, in the West, handheld games magically don't count as real to some folks, but that's another subject to itself.
Anyway, these Zelda fans did want more of the same. You could tell that some of them were just dorks that had been around since the NES days and had nothing better to do but wage war with the rising Ocarina of TIme fanboys. Majora's Mask was only bad to some of them because it was a sequel to OOT. The younger ones being babysat by the internet liked OOT because it was their first Zelda and you grew up in it, so when that didn't happen in Majora's Mask they hated it. That and they pretended Zelda II was good because Link was "grown up" in that, too.
Simply put, Majora's Mask rocked their precious boats.
That was my impression at the time, at least. When I later browsed the forums for Shenmue and The Sims, people were more friendly and cordial about discussing those newer games, likely because those franchises didn't have a history yet. I'd like to believe I learned that lesson from that, but I'd go on to visit Final Fantasy, Fallout and Persona forums later anyway.
There are people that still aren't over Final Fantasy VII and also some Persona 2 fans that really get bent out of shape each time someone mentions Persona 4.
That said, over the years Majora's Mask has had three additional re-releases - once in the form of a pre-order bonus disc that came with Wind Waker, another time on Virtual Console and now as a 3DS remake. What's interesting is in that time the game gained a tremendous amount of appreciation for being the darker, more surreal, unique and risky Zelda game. Now Majora's Mask is more commonly loved because there isn't another game out there like it.
There are other factors at play that explain Majora's Mask's appreciation now. For one, some of those people on the forums grew up and realized they had nothing to gain by rationalizing their purchases to strangers on the internet. I also think some people found the maturity of the game's message preferable to Link physically maturing. The time loop aspect continues to make the game stand out. That it was a ten dollar purchase on Wii Virtual Console and it gained a lot of visibility through "Let's Plays" and speedruns also plays a role here.
Because elements of the game were stigmatized fifteen years ago, a lot of people didn't allow themselves to try it back then. When those stigmas faded, the game got a real chance. To be fair, though, it wasn't only the stigmas holding it back, in 2000 there was also the hype of the PS2's arrival and Xbox and Gamecube were peeking over the horizon as well. Majora's Mask came out at time when the Nintendo 64's newness had long since faded.
Final Fantasy IX shared a very similar fate on Playstation, come to think of it,. Now many people love that game, too.
There are those that will lament digital rereleases, remakes and remasters - and I'll admit the level of remasters of games not even two years old is a bit of a farce right now - but I'll never complain about a great game from further in the past getting another lease on life and finding new fans. Some things just get better with age and Majora's Mask is certainly one of them.
As a proper Hyrule Historian, I have spent many years pouring over various documents, studies regarding the Triforce, various incarnations of our Legendary Hero, the Royal Family, the Seven Sages and the various evils that always plague our lands. That the cycle begins once more is something that concerns me deeply and, allegedly Her Royal Highness, Princess Zelda, as well, which is why I've asked her to speak with us here at The Deku Times.
Tatl: Welcome, Your Highness.
Zelda: Thank you for inviting me.
Tatl: As you very well know, evil has once again emerged in our lands and while we're waiting for the Legendary Hero to emerge, our towns and villages are under assault by Ganondorf's minions.
Zelda: Yes, it is an occurance that deeply concerns me. Rest assured, the Royal Family is doing all they can to aid our people as we seek out the Legendary Hero and pray the Sages awaken as well.
Tatl: Right. Tell me, why are you such an evil bitch?
Tatl: Are you in collusion with Ganondorf and his army?
Zelda: NO! Why would you say such dreadful things?
Tatl: Well, it just seems to me that every hundred years or so, whatever seal that was holding Ganondorf back breaks and once again Hyrule is under seige by the Prince of Darkness and his armies. Is that not true?
Zelda: But the Royal Family and I have nothing to do with the attacks!
Tatl: Hmph, well, I can't help but notice each time evil arises that six people are either kidnapped, go missing or die and by every Hero's account their spirits go on to a realm where they combine their powers with a member of the royal-family - always named Zelda - to seal away Ganondorf after the Hero lands the killing blow with the Blade of Evil's Bane, the Master Sword. Am I right so far?
Zelda: Well, yes, that is correct.
Tatl: And is it also correct that your ancestors never really have to go to that realm to be part of this seal - they just initiate the spell?
Zelda: Kind of, I guess.
Tatl: Seems like a pretty sweet deal.
Zelda: Oh, it is...
Tatl: So you admit it then?
Zelda: YES! Long has the Goddess Hylia stirred within me and, over the centuries in her conflicts with the various agents of Demise, she's grown fond of this game of cat-and-mouse with Ganondorf in particular. She longs to feel the touch of Demise and his vessels, to caress his trembling skin and pull on his firey red mane!
Tatl: Sounds steamy. Can you tell use more about Ganondorf?
Zelda: I've been to see him, you know, five or six times already these last few weeks. Our desires are... unconventional. He's such a powerful man, but with such great responsibility there are days he just wants to kneel before a goddess and who am I to refuse when I am one?
I have a some special binds I created, forged from light - which weakens him, but not enough to kill him - not without the Master Sword in play. Then, I'll shoot light arrows into him. He begs me for more each time.
Tatl: So you and your ancestors were never really kidnapped?
Zelda: Oh, no, not once. All accounts of our kidnappings are false. Other way around, really, I own Ganondorf. He's my subbie. We just let him play the mastermind because that's part of my kink. I've let him use the Royal Castle as his fortress more times than I can count. It's our little love nest.
Tatl: So how does the Legendary Hero play into all of this?
Zelda: Tease and denial.
Tatl: I beg your pardon?
Zelda: Ganondorf wants the entire Triforce so badly. Courage, Wisdom, Power... but as his mistress I know what ruin comes to the world when I let him have the whole thing, so we have our safeword in the form of the Legendary Hero. When I whisper "Courage," my little Dorfy knows its time to be sealed away again.
Plus there's the battles and struggles leading up to that. Ganondorf fights for me out of love and devotion, but having a handsome, effeminte boy become my unwitting pawn and eventual pet is also a big turn on.
When he deals the decisive blow to Ganondorf, I use the lifeforce of the sages to bind and seal Ganondorf for a hundred years or so, away from my touch, suffering for me until I decide to let him out to play again through one of my descendants.
As for the Hero, hmmmmm... he's always so pretty. Your historial accounts always tell of him vanishing into obscurity, but I always manage to convince his various incarnations to stick around because they look so much nicer as one of my maids. There's not really much else for him to do after he returns the Master Sword to its rightful place, so they live out the rest of their lives waiting on me hand and foot - though I also have fun with them in the dungeon. Fire and Ice arrows.
Tatl: This is all so hot. Um, I'm very, very sorry for what I said earlier. It was very unprofessional of me, er, Goddess? A-are you into fairy girls?
Zelda: I am very much into fairy girls so long as they submit to me. In fact, I could use someone like you. Someone has to bring our Legendary Hero back from the brink after I stick several arrows in him,. You would heal his wounds and restore that soft, fair skin. I may also have other ... uses for a fairy.
Tatl: I draw the line at butts, unless its your heavenly hindquarters. I'll heal guys, but I'm not into them.
Zelda: I can respect that, what do you want your safeword to be?
Tatl: HEY LISTEN!
Zelda: Uh, yeah, that'll work. Well, shall we?
Tatl: Yes, Goddess!
Whenever I listen to feminists like that Anna Snarkeesia, I find most of their points agreeable - but then they start talking about how female characters are designed for the male gays. They seem really insistant that characters like Bayonetta are made with the male gays in mind.
Now, I'm sure gay men think Bayonetta is sexy and fabulous. I can even see fashion designers looking at her and going, "Yes," but I think this view is very limiting. I mean, what about the female gays? Or bisexuals? Or even heterosexual males? I think feminists that fixate on the male gays are kind of throwing everyone else under the bus here. Even if heterosexual women don't want to sleep with Bayonetta they might like her style, personality or that she kicks serious amounts of ass.
I'm a lesbian superheroine and I have to say that the dominatrix-librarian-with-a-pixie-cut look that Bayonetta currently has appeals to me. British accents and long legs also do it for me. It's like Bayonetta was designed with all my weaknesses in mind - she might be my kryptonite and I'd want to give in to her.
I would love to sleep with Bayonetta. If she can kick an F-16 into the air and fight angels and demons on them, then I want her legs around me, her hands all over me and her lips on mine. Or we could just go out for coffee. Or lounge on a couch and chat about Umbra witch stuff, I guess. Whatever she wants, really. I guess I shouldn't impose because she's clearly a top.
I would also love to have stiletto heels that double as guns. That means I could quadruple-wield guns, which is cool as hell and what girl wouldn't want such things? Guys would think twice, perhaps even two more times before pestering a woman wth gun heels on the street - especially in US states with open-carry laws.
Anyway, I think this whole "male gays" thing is barking up the wrong tree. I don't know why some feminists are so hung up on this. It doesn't seem very intersectional. Alina Sarcophogas can shut it on this issue. Bayonetta is awesome and if she was designed for the male gays, that's fine, but It seems like plenty of other people like her, too.