I'm 30-something. I play games and sometimes type things. I summon deities and demons, shoot raiders and wish to settle down with another girl for turn-based battles on the beach, chocobo rides and torchlit dinners in ancient Nordic tombs or mysterious castles that appear at night.
When I'm not slaying dragons or saving the galaxy, I'm probably roaming the open world, rolling into a ball to access secret passages and seeing if my Paragon rating is high enough for discounts at the mall.
For other things and stuff about me you can read here, here and here. You will learn of my origins, my trials and tribulations, how I became a superpixie and what games I really, really like!
So it looks like Pikachu is going to get in on the sleuthing business. A grand mystery is laid out before him and maybe only a pokemon like him can solve it. Maybe other pokemon can even help him on his quest to stop whatever evils are going down.
But first we have to make sure we've covered all the bases. Detective stories have rules. There's a theft or someone dies before we even get started and, yes, there are the witnesses, the interrogations and various plot twists. I'm confident Game Freak and Nintendo have some these things covered but all the same I'd like to pitch in my two cents. Or several.
First off, all great detective stories start with a woman with a problem. This elegant lady is down on her luck, depressed and naturally going to be incredibly beautiful. We'll need an attractive pokemon if Pikachu is our protagonist. We'll go with a female Lopunny.
She's sure to catch any Pikachu's eye.
And naturally the source of her woes is one of those "Teams" in the Pokemon Universe. Team Rocket or Plamids or Solidus or Whatever. It will have to be a pair of male and female antagonists who take their names from a famous cowboy like Bruce and Leigh, Chuck and Norreese. Or Dolph and Lara Greene.
Whoever they are they've gotten their hands on a Master Ball and are out to capture a legendary pokemon like Farfetch'd. This Master Ball somehow linked to Lopunny because of reasons. We'll say it was a precious family heirloom just to bullshit.
But before we can have Pikachu set out on this adventure, we must have him play the games from the man who created the adventure and sleuthing genres - David Cage. He needs to play Heavy Rain to know that its okay for a detective to pay a hooker to ask her questions and when to have sex with Lopunny at the Pokemon daycare center while children who need his help are in danger of drowning. And that Ellen Page looks a lot like Ellen Page.
After gaining more polygons and even more emotions, Pikachu must equip for the task at hand. For example, he'll put on his trusty deerstalker cap made famous by interstellar detective Khan Noonian Singh. He will also pack a telescope, a katana and his favorite poffin-flavored e-cigs.
Pikachu is a pokemon of the times and knows children aspire to be like him. He will not lower himself by teaching children to smoke, but enlighten them to the pleasures of vaping so Nintendo won't get sued.
And if we must partner Pikachu up with a human I have a couple ideas for that. Brad Pitt or Podtoid's Soda Baby are my top picks. Both of them seem like responsible partners and nothing could possibly go wrong with them.
If we get Brad Pitt, though, we might not want him investigating what's in any boxes and no one should ask him about fight clubs because then Meatloaf dies and is eaten.
Also, there should be birds, danes and broads because detective stories have them. I'm sure there are pokemon for that, even if they sound sexist.
Finally, we're going to need a plot twist. Once Pikachu retrieves the Master Ball from Team Diuqil Ekans and it is returned to Lopunny, she revels it is no ordinary Pokeball but a Humaball. Her evil plans are to mass produce them to capture and enslave humans to do the bidding of all pokemon. Pikachu and his partner will be tied up and hung over a pool of molten poffin mix to be made into poffins, but they escape and stop her.
How is it done? Electricity, my dear Soda Baby. Electricity.
I encourage Nintendo to totally take these ideas and make the best detective game ever.