FACTS! Because I said they are! - Destructoid

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I'm 30-something. I play games and sometimes type things. I summon deities and demons, shoot raiders and wish to settle down with another girl for turn-based battles on the beach, chocobo rides and torchlit dinners in ancient Nordic tombs or mysterious castles that appear at night.

When I'm not slaying dragons or saving the galaxy, I'm probably roaming the open world, rolling into a ball to access secret passages and seeing if my Paragon rating is high enough for discounts at the mall.

For other things and stuff about me you can read here, here and here. You will learn of my origins, my trials and tribulations, how I became a superpixie and what games I really, really like!

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Here on the internet we can affirm truths by simply saying "FACT" in all caps. So long as we do this, we can sneer down at our lessers for we are true gamers and they can go play Candyland until King takes legal action against Hasbro for using the word "candy." In FACT, I've just trademarked the word "FACT" so you must pay me each time you use it!

Now only I can have the FACTS and you can't, so you will always be wrong in your wrongness and writhe in your foolingly foolish foolery, you fooly fools! I also trademarked "truth," just to be safe. Bow before my wisdom as you absorb these gaming FACTS and truths!

Simon Belmont is both Trevor Belmont's father and his son. Trevor is also Alucard, Dracula's son, making sworn enemy Dracula Simon's grandpa. This Castlevania FACT makes all Belmont family gatherings really awkward - especially after the Belmonts changed the clan patriarch three times.

This is why the Morris and Belenades families don't visit anymore.


Samus Aran loves strip poker and has a terrible pokerface with her helmet off. This is why she's lucky to have just the morphball ability and her Power Suit in each new Metroid game she appears in.


Mario is a hallucinogen addict. His girlfriend  works at Disney World portraying various princesses he refers to as Peach (Aurora), Daisy (Belle) and Rosalina (Cinderella). The other girls he just calls Pauline. Bowser Kupas and Donny Chong are two security guards Mario's girlfriend carpools with to work, but Mario thinks they kidnap her every morning.

Mario believes he can grow by eating mushrooms, wield fire after smoking weed and be invincible by putting a star on his tongue. He then treks across Florida to Disney World and gets past security to try and drag his girlfriend back home. He usually gets stopped by Bowser or Donny before he can.


The only way to play games is to play how I play them or you are wrong and stupid. The FACT that some people don't play Skyrim or Fallout the way I do angers me and keeps me awake at night. 

The FACT some people are considering the optional Steam controller for gaming worries me to no end! What will I do without dual analog sticks? If it was good enough for the PSX we just shouldn't change it, ever!

And if you play and enjoy a mobile or indie game of any kind you should put your head in a blender because you are ruining gaming with your Super Meat Hexagons, Banner Crush Sagas and Angry Zombie Plantbirds. Why, back in my day we never played color matching puzzlers and we quit 2D gaming the second we had polygons and 3D!


[Fighting game] is better than [fighting game]!


All your choices in and opinions of games are non-canon unless the creator decides they are. This is what makes George Lucas, Bioware and David Cage peerless visionaries of their craft. 

No, no. Commander Shepard is a man. The box art and CG intros to Mass Effect say so. Chrom marries Sumia according to Fire Emblem Awakening's intro, too -  if you break from that and have him marry your female tactician a rift in reality will open and consume us all. In FACT, damn anyone who ships that to add more intimacy to the plot for their own character! I will stalk them on Tumblr to tell them how wrong that is!

No, it doesn't matter that there's a gate to the multiverse or wibbly-wobbly time stuff in that game. Player choice and the theme of changing your destiny are secondary to the creator's vision, always! Just ask the people that made Terminator 3 and Salvation! They are brilliant!


I hope you enjoyed these FACTS, you plebeians! You should thank me for imparting my geniusness unto thine eyes. Now, steal my words so I may sue you, you fooly fools!

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