Gather 'round, my friends, and lend this humble fae your ears as I tell you a tale of the land of Elenex. 'Tis the story of a dread knight, a holy knight and a bard full of merry and mirth. Also dragons. Gotta have dragons to make up for the bard part. It was just over a year ago these three fellows met in the land of Elenex, but I have not forgotten what I have seen nor what transpired there recently.
There is a prophesy that says each year these three guys shall return to Elenex to do battle and the result of the battle will decide the fate of the entire world - for at least the next year. Maybe. Some say that the blackest of Fridays also plays a pivotal role but there are no swords or dragons there - just merchants overwhelmed by a sea of excited customers.
Nay, the annual Battle for Elenex is by far more significant and exciting for last year, evil was afoot and primed to win. Before the Dread Knight's arrival came an advanced warning - that he would ride upon the fell dragon, Ecks'bozwun, and oppress the people of Elenex for all time. And, verily, upon his arrival a darkness fell upon the land and demons simply known as Deeyar'm erupted from the hell we know as Hal'wazon to join Dread Knight.
Some said, "There's naught we can do, 'tis the future and the way of things are to be. The Hal'wazon Deeyar'm are here to stay.'" However, some held on to hope that the Holy Knight or the Bard would come and drive the Dread Knight, Ecks'bozwun and the Deeyar'm of Hal'wazon away.
And sure enough, the Holy Knight arrived his valiant steed, Pierresfore, with his humble squire Vinnie Vida dragged behind him on a tether. Squire Vida's dead weight mattered not to the Holy Knight and mighty Peirresfore, however, and they rode in ready for battle as the people of Elenex cheered them on.
The knight's first feat was to slay all the Deeyar'm in a single go and then with a rightous chant he used his magic to seal the gate to Hal'wazon so they could theoretically never return. You know how magic seals are. Kinda flakey. It still holds for now.
Then the knights engaged each other in battle! Swords clashed and the ground trembled as they debated the merits of their service. When when the Holy Knight tried ot strike a blow from a special move he called "Subscription for Multiplayer" the Dread Knight batted his sword away for he knew that move, too, and had honed his skill with it for years and years.
Then came the next blow.
"Pluuuuuuuussssss!" cried the Holy Knight as he slashed at Ecks'bozun, having instantly collected himself to cut the dragon deeply. The dragon roared and threw the Dread Knight off its back, then flew back from whence it came to heal.
The Dread Knight recovered and took to his feet with his blade still in hand. The Holy Knight dismouted his steed, handed the reins to Squire Vida and said, "Take Pierresfore somewhere remote and play," then turned his attention back toward the Dread Knight.
It was then that the Bard arrived, but he was hardly noticed and simply provided a nostalgic tune on his highly-portable accordion while the battle unfolded. It lifted people's spirits a little but not much else. He was just kind of there and wore a catsuit with a tablet-shaped lute on his back
Over that music, however, as the knights clashed you could hear an ominous, wicked chant begin to build from the Dread Knight. I think it went something like this:
Over and over and over. It sent shivers down by spine at first but also made my eyes glaze over and made me sleepy. I still get a little tired just thinking about it. That's how evil the chant was. Brrr.
But then the Holy Knight held his blade to the sky with a chant of his own.
For whatever reason, this chant inspired the spirit of all people and filled his blade a glorious light. With one mighty blow he decapitated the Dread Knight and that head, somehow still living, sprouted wings and flew off in the direction of the land of... what was it?
Oh right. Zynga. Never been, but I hear bad things about the place.
Upon the Dread Knight's defeat the people erupted with cheer and applause. The Dread Knight's body disintegrated, the skies cleared and light was returned to the land of Elenex. The Holy Knight returned to his steed and his squire but before he rode off into the sunset, a child managed to approach him with a question.
"Sir Knight, when are you bringing The Guardian? Will he arrive before next year?"
The knight patted the child on the head and chuckled lightly, replying "Soon, son, The Guardian is totally real. Just believe."
And that was the tale of last year's battle for Elenex - but what of this year?
Well, its kind of a switch, really. There wasn't really a fight. The Dread Knight was replaced by the Kind-of-Decent Knight, who had done away with last years evils and the dragon Ecks'bozun was now actually friendly, it played with the children and putt on a magic show. This knight told us he had been listening to our hopes, dreams and and learned how to retrain the dragon for our benefit.
When the Holy Knight arrived, I caught him talking to someone that wasn't there. It was kind of creepy. "Yes, Guardian, you are totally real and awesome, but I can't show you today" is what is what I think he said. Then when he saw the Kind-of-Decent Knight and his dragon doing well he was kinda caught off-guard by that.
But when the people saw him their eyes lit up... at least until they saw how battered and bloodied Squire Vida was from being tethered to Pierresfore for so long. Anticipating this might get him some criticism he pulled a very small, newborn pony from a sack on Pierresfore's side and introduced it as Pierresteevee.
People from further west thought Pierresteevee was adorable and wanted one of their own but everyone else wasn't so impressed, particularly when they saw the Holy Knight tether her behind Pierresfore just like Squire Vida. Vinnie Vida just remained curled in a fetal position and wept "Nooooooo" quietly as he knew the she would share his disappointing fate.
The Holy Knight did have some other exciting news for his plans to help the land of Elenex for the coming year, except about halfway through it was actually pretty boring. I liked his idea for No Man's Sky, but then he uttered those terrifying words
That moobie-teebie stuff. Moobies and teebies. Teebies and moobies. On and on.
It put people to sleep, but he went right on with it for almost twenty minutes. Had I not been sitting on some nice lady's shoulder i light of dropped of the air and hurt myself. Instead I fell into her cleavage. Had she not woken up by the sound of the arrival of the Bard I might of been trapped in there.
The Bard had amassed an impressive troupe for himself. Mimes, jesters, other musicians, dancers, acrobats, musclemen, gorillas and more. I didn't know what kind of budget he was working with to pull this off, but apparently he had the time and money to hire and bring along a wide variety of animated women. Princeses, bounty hunters, heroic witches and squid girls were among them. One also had a giant steel golem that flew, but she was sometimes a guy, too. Basically that one was whatever people asked them to be. Wasn't much for talking, either.
Some of the performers spread out all through the land so more people could see them perform exhibition fights. Flags and buttons were distributed to the crowds. Some said it was smashing, others like a brawl or a melee. I met the bounty hunter and her rather pale friend who know the foreign art of yoga. The bounty hunter said she had two possible missions planned and would have to leave soon and her friend criticized my sense of balance.
That evening the Bard and his fellow musicians put on a concert. This time the Bard was seriously jamming on that lute he didn't use last year. The set list consisted of singing about wooly worlds, pocket monsters, Zelda's legend, something about Xenoblades and Bayonettas and they actually had more to play for two more days. I stuck around, so did the Decent Knight and his dragon.
I saw the Wholly Neglectful Knight leave soon with this tethered pony and squire in tow. No one seemed to care and i returned my attention to songs about fantasy lives and steam.
The Bard had won our hearts and the Decent Knight showed us even fell dragons can change. The Wholly Boring Knight simply didn't have anyone to kick around this year and had neglected his most trusted ally. Yesterday he was our hero, but with so much neglect and delusions of guardians people saw him for what he was - a jerk.
This year the battle for Elenex was won with a festival where the focus was not on being not as bad as the other guy, but celebrating who you are and what you do. It was won with the wonderment the people sign up for, not boring speeches and swiftly neglected ponies. Or that moobie-teebie stuff.
LOOK WHO CAME: