It all started on the Big Shell from Metal Gear Solid 2.
Big Shell was under attack by dragons. This was bad because there was a party going on inside the Big Shell in celebration on Bill Cosby's latest film, My Life as Barack Obama's Father
hosted by my coworkers from and sponsored by GameStop. Our guests of honor were Bill Cosby and Michelle Obama. The president couldn't make it as he was busy fixing the code for healthcare.gov.
The party was in the dance hall, there was chocolate cake, Jell-o pudding and burgers catered for the occasion. The festivities had already begun and many guests from the Mushroom Kingdom were also there in attendance because all the Toads and Toadettes adore Bill Cosby.
The dragon attack on Big Shell was bad news. The First Lady, now dressed as Princess Peach, was scowling at me as if this was all my fault. Solid Snake and Raiden were nowhere to be found, either, so I had to enlist help from various attendees to combat the dragons. No worries, though, because Mario and Luigi were right there. They volunteered to fight the dragons and informed me that they were orbital frame pilots.
Warp Zone of the Enders: Bros. of Liberty?
Well, okay then.
They handed me an NES controller, some AR goggles and told me - in their usual conversational babble - to use these things to help them coordinate their attacks on the dragons. I was to press the A button for Mario and B for Luigi, naturally, because its an MGS/Mario and Luigi/ZOE
We move outside, they suit up, a green pipe appears and they jump in to board their orbital frames. They take off into the sky, I put on the AR goggles, hitting A or B as they appear in the sky when Mario and Luigi near the dragons' glowing weak points. These dragons were the long, serpent-like ones - the ones you see in Chinese mythology - and they had multiple weak points like the dragon in Super Mario Galaxy.
As I continue to guide the Mario Bros. to successful attacks in their mechs, I get a call.
Its my manager. He tells me C4 has been planted all over the Big Shell and it must be deactivated or we are all doomed. Also, Bill Cosby ate all the pudding.
I feel someone pull on my jacket. It is Ken Amada from Persona 3
. Perfect, I give him the "bomb sniffer" and coolant spray Raiden used in MGS2,
because naturally Ken has a radar system and bomb diffusing skills - he can do the bomb disposal since no one likes or will miss him anyway.
After a few more coordinated attacks, the Mario Bros. take out the dragons, Ken manages to disarm all the C4 and survive (damn) and the party is saved thanks to our efforts. We all go back inside and though all the pudding is gone, Bill Cosby and the Toads are very grateful for the rescue.
As a reward, Bill decides to tell us about his experience playing the father of the president as we take a walk around the Big Shell. The Mario Bros. listen attentively, Ken wanders off and Michelle Obama just glares at me. Bill veers between his story about the movie and old stand-up bits like his weird friend Harold or seeing the dentist.
As we end our walk he finishes his story, smiles and says, "You didn't think this boring story was your reward, did you?" And with this he points at a nearby storage locker.
"Go get your reward!" he says.
"Me?" Luigi asks.
"No, stupid," Bill snaps. "Nintendo just gave you a whole year, this is for the girl!"
Luigi sulks and I approach the locker to open it. Inside is a some kind of silvery, metallic, armored exoskeleton. It kind of like a cross between Raiden's suit in MGS Rising Revengence and Fran's outfit from FFXII, so it was also somewhat skimpy in places.
"Its your very own cybernetic suit!" Bill exclaims. "Now go put it on!"
"But what does it do?" I ask.
"You'll see, go put it on!" Michelle Obama says, finally smiling for a change.
And so I take the suit to the nearest ladies' room. The female protagonist from Persona 3 is there and helps me put the suit on, but then the suit embeds itself into my skin, unable to be removed. It hurts a great deal and I'm doubled over on the floor in pain as she tries to comfort me, saying "Look inside yourself to find your true power."
An image of a familiar avatar flashes into my mind and I focus on it. The pain subsides, I open my eyes and the bathroom is bigger than I remembered. Huge, in fact - even FemC is gigantic to me now. She looks at me and smiles, then points to the mirror but I can't see it. Hell, I just barely come up to her ankles!
Then I feel my sense of balance is different, some things are stuck to my back. I look down at my shadow to see I have wings! Wings! I start to flutter upward and toward the counter, look in the mirror and I'm a pixie, exactly like the one in my banner and avatar.
That's when Ken Amanda radios me.
"The beastmen are attacking Big Shell! Mario and Luigi left for the Mushroom Kingdom just before the ocean dried out and the beastmen arrived. Oh my go-"
The radio cuts out and I fly out of the bathroom, Bill and Michelle cheering me on. I pass my coworkers and the Toads, who are all eating chocolate cake now and they sing praises of Bill Cosby for it. Moments later, I'm outside and there are the the beastmen hordes of Vana'diel from Final Fantasy XI.
So the Mario Bros. are gone with their orbital frames, Ken Amada is now dead and everyone else is in Big Shell eating chocolate cake, even Persona 3's
heroine. This left one cybernetic pixie against thousands of goblins, orcs, Quadav and Yagudo. What could I do?
Mary Sue the hell out of them, that's what. My loss in stature was not a loss of power. I was at least over 9000.
The short of it is I could channel magic through my body, I briefly became the spell Megidolaon and flew through the beastmen's ranks at light speed, cutting through them all like a hot knife through butter and wailing like the Skull Kid from Majora's Mask
as I did so. The Yagudo took a few extra seconds because Yagudo Ninjas are bastards that can make copies of themselves with their birdjutsu magic.
With Big Shell saved once more and ignoring that the ocean was totally gone, I flew off to Metropolis.
When I arrived, Superman was being put on trial at the top of the Daily Planet. He was being charged with attempting to get rid of all of the lead in the world. Phoenix Wright was Superman's defense attorney, Amanda Waller of the DC universe was the prosecutor and J. Jameson from the Daily Bugle was grudgingly sharing judge duties with Perry White of the Daily Planet.
The reason for this court case was the women of the world had taken to wearing lead-lined clothes. This was because Superman went on a late night talk show and openly admitted he used his x-ray vision to see any woman naked. Superman was not happy with the direction women's fashion, so he tried to get rid of all lead while not thinking about the consequences, like creating shortages of pencils for schoolchildren.
Superboy and Supergirl were going to stay for the trial, but took off with Krypto, saying, "Screw Superpervert, we are going to Cammy's Relaxation River and Chun Li's Chinese Buffet!" and jumped down a slide pointing to that destination.
Slides were how everyone got around in this version of Metropolis, even if they could fly! The slides connected from building to building, leading to different destinations. I felt bushed from all the flying, the beastmen-killing and where they were going sounded more interesting than watching a trial, so I plopped down on the slide myself and took off.
The slide was translucent, so I could see everything as I was sliding down behind Supergirl. I saw Batman and Wolverine chasing Spiderman around a basketball court and they looked like they were out for blood. I saw an airship fly by with Conrad Zimmerman dressed as Setzer, Jim Sterling as Ultros and he had his Saint's Row dildo-bat tentacles lovingly wrapped around one Johnathan Holmes who was cosplaying Locke. I also saw a bar called "Emotions" where a bunch of 16-bit characters were drinking, having a good time and some bouncers kicked David Cage out.
It was then I slid into Cammy's Relaxation River and Chun Li's Chinese Buffet. Innertubes were dispensed as Superboy, Supergirl and Krypto fell through a hole leading into the river. No innertube was dispensed for me, because apparently I was too small to detect, so I just fell right into the river.
After rising to the surface I look around me. I see E. Honda and Ken Masters just chilling and floating there, a relaxed version of Guile's theme is playing and the Superkids and their dog are further up. Then I see Cammy and Chun Li themselves sharing a large raft, wearing very skimpy lead-lined bikinis and floating by me. Cammy notices me and asks if I'd like to ride with them since I have no float. I nodded "yes," Cammy scoops me out of the water and puts me between them.
We all talk for a bit and soon it seems like a subtle argument is going on between Cammy and Chun Li. I started between them but then Cammy puts me in her lap and later Chun Li grabs me and puts me in her lap. This happens several times for about an hour until we exit the river to the massage and buffet area. Cammy offers to give me a massage with her finger and Chun Li offers to get me some of her world-famous buffalo ranch chicken egg rolls from the buffet.
I don't know if buffalo ranch chicken egg rolls are a thing, but if not, they should be. I was like three or four inches tall at best, though, so finishing even a tenth of an egg roll was expecting a bit much - getting me a plate full of egg rolls was overkill, but exciting!
Then the passive-aggressive arguing began again between them. Even as the news rolled in on the big screen TV that Superman had been found guilty of being a sexist pig that ruins pencils for school children, Cammy and Chun Li ignore it and they start getting in each other's faces.
Then Cammy grabs me off the massage table and stakes her claim of me. "She's mine and I love her, Thunder Thighs," she tells a shocked Chunny as she's kinda squeezing me in her fist.
This is where things start to get fuzzy. I think there was a fight and that Elena, Poison, Supergirl, Power Girl, She-Hulk, Batwoman and Batgirl also joined the fray in an attempt to also fight for my affections because all girls in my dreams are also lesbians. It never got settled.
The fight stopped when the news mentioned a giant Mother Brain was attacking Metropolis. With Superman out of the picture in a kryptonite cell, someone had to do something. Conrad Zimmerman as Setzer then crashed his airship into the place to recruit us all after saying "Yo motherfuckers" with Usher's "Yeah" booming in the background.
We all got on board. There was a dance party below deck as we gathered troops. Samus Aran, the Demi-Fiend, Alucard, Adam Jensen, Mr. Destructoid, Mr. Andy Dixon, Commander Shepard, some NCR Rangers and the Dovahkiin were all on board. Jim Sterling as Ultros and Jonathan Holmes as Locke got married there on the spot, too, with 16-Bit Celes acting as a priest. She ended the ceremony by pronouning them as Treasure Hunter and Dildo Octopus.
Sadly, the battle with Mother Brain never came because then I woke up. I wanted see if I could woo Samus, marry her and settle down in Skyrim, but perhaps another time.
LOOK WHO CAME: