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Alternate Reality: Pink Afro - Destructoid




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Hi my name is Phil and I like to play games, review games, talk about games and rant/muse about games. I live in the UK and mostly game on my 360. I like to read, listen to podcasts and write bad reviews. I love all gods creations even PS3 fanboys. The last bit may not be true.

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“It’s time to wake up Commander Shepard” said the AI
Soft Music played as Commander Sheppard half-awake, rose from his bed. He walked still half-awake to his bathroom, lights coming on as he entered. Putting his head into the bowl he splashed water over his face, looking up he saw his face in the reflection of the mirror. His face was deformed with scars, tattoos, sideburns and eyes so bulged out it didn’t seem scientifically possible. Same went for his jaw; it stuck out like he had pebbles in his mouth. His nose was so small he wondered how he even smelt and for his hair, he had a pink afro. Sheppard groaned as he saw he’s hellish face for the umpteenth time in a row.

Commander Sheppard is a video game character, with no control over what he looks like, what he chooses to do and who and what he likes. He’s controlled over the Player, who this time for a lack of a better word, is a douche bag. The only thing Sheppard can do is think, this is what Commander Sheppard thinks on a day to day basis.

"Sigh, another day of toture"
Commander Sheppard got dressed and walked out the door to the bridge, on the way he went through numerous lift rides and bumped himself on the side of a table.
“Nice going jackass”
Eventually Sheppard arrived albeit a hurt left leg.
“Ah Sheppard we’ve been waiting for you” said Captain Anderson
The familiar conversation wheel appeared displaying three options the Player could choose to what Sheppard says next. The options were.
1. I do apologise crew, I was too busy baking you all chocolate chip cookies.
2. I do apologize, do continue.
3. I’m Commander Shepard I decide when I show up.
In no surprise to Sheppard the Player picked option 3.
“I don’t have to be here on time, I’m Commander Shepard, show me some fucking respect” Sheppard shouted
“Who would say something like that? That’s such a dick thing to say”
“I’m sorry Commander your right; I should give you more respect” Said Captain Anderson
“Don’t say that! Stand up for yourself!”
“Yeah you should, that goes for all of you”
All the crew bowed there heads all looking in different directions, ashamed.
“As I was saying, we’ve picked up a distress beacon from a planet nearby, it could be a trap but we can’t ignore it”
“We just need you Commander, to choose a team so we can get down there with the and see what’s happened”
Another selection box appeared
Sheppard’s crew appeared, Tali, Garrus. Kaiden, Ashley, Liara and Wrex were all present. There Biotic, Combat, Tech abilities all were displayed too.
“He should pick a variety of characters but I highly doubt that he will”
Ashley and Liara were picked.
“Sigh, predictable. He or she picked the two hottest girls, who am I kidding I’m being controlled by a he, I’m not sure a girl would pick an all female crew and give me a pink afro”

The next moment they were in the Mako speeding towards the beacon on a snowy planet with various mountains, this made it a tad harder for the player.
“Look just go around it, no don’t fire missiles at it you idiot, look now were upside down”
Eventually they got to the beacon, what they found were dead bodies laying on the ground, bullet holes through there head, blood everywhere.
“Oh god that’s horrible”
They were obviously scientist, a patch on there fore arm where there stripped Omni Tool used to be gave it away, there also laid two presumably soldiers with bullets through there chest.
The Mako pulled up, the site consisted of two long caverns made for living quarters and for work, the dig site was about 100 metres wide and the same in length, the caverns were either side of the dig site. The dig site consisted of sand but it wasn’t the normal golden sand you find at beaches, it was blood red sand with rocks the size of baseballs, it was something Sheppard had never seen before. Sheppard walked over to the dead bodies to what he assumed was to inspect them for clues who or what did this. Apparently the player didn’t have that mind and instead begun tea bagging the corpses for about 5 minutes.
“Oh come on! That’s just sick!”
The crew members didn’t even flinch, Shepard was used to that. So stood there was Commander Shepard, savour of the galaxy tea bagging a mutilated corpse……. with a pink afro. Eventually Geth appeared which made the player stop crouching up and down and take cover and shoot.
“Wow what a surprise this was a trap all along, Jesus you would have thought we might have looked over the site from the safety of the Normandy. But no let’s walk into an ambush”

5 Geth appeared, the first two were dealt with ease with a combination of Biotics and Assault Rifles, the second two were dealt with similar fashion. The last, a Krogan was dealt with not so much ease. Sheppard ordered his crew to flank the Krogan while he gave suppressing fire and tried to take down its shield. Sheppard had to give it to unknown player he was good in a fight; the heavily armoured Krogan went down in an instant.
“Enemies! Coming up behind us!” Shouted Ashley
Sheppard spun around to see nothing for a good 10 seconds before Geth appeared. They were dealt with in a familiar fashion as there comrades. But one Geth was left and Shepard hadn’t much health left. He was out in the open when one Geth popped out of cover. Instantly everything stopped and Commander Sheppard was forced to look right into the eyes of the shotgun wielding Geth.
“Well I could think of better time to pause the game”
10 minutes passed
“You know we may be on the pinnacle of the human race with spaceships and what not, but as humans we still itch”
Another 10 minutes passed
“Nose…. So itchy……..may kill self……..somehow”
Everything sprang to live in an instant and then everything went black for Commander Sheppard.

But this is not the end of Commander Sheppard, for he still feels pain but you know…. Checkpoints.
“Owe that hurt, you know you probably should have been ready for that, you know the whole pause thing, idiot”
Commander Sheppard felt the life wash back into him, after hundreds of times respawning he never had got used to the odd feeling of having life put back into you. The mission continued and more Geth were killed, they finally got around to inspecting the dig site. Using his Omni Tool Sheppard inspected the dig site for anything unusual or for any clue why the Geth were here.
“There’s a funny reading coming from the sand I’m not sure what it is” Commander Shepard said
“Get a sample Ashley”
“On it boss”
“What do you think it is” said Liara
Again the Conversation Wheel.
“Well there’s obviously no way to know” he said in an aggravated voice
“Were ready commander”
“Let’s get of this shithole then”
“Are you aware this is my home planet?” Said Liara
“Yeah, still a shithole”

Back on the ship Commander Sheppard had just sat down for dinner when Garrus sat down at his table. Being such a…… renegade Sheppard sat alone.
“What do you want Garrus?”
“Aren’t I aloud to sit on this table?”
“Yeah but….. whatever”
Garrus sat down opposite Sheppard, Shepard sighed.
“I heard you did good on your mission”
“Well I am Commander Shepard, savour of the galaxy, first-“
“So what did you find down there”
“Not sure just some red sand”
“Do you know what it is?”
“Why does everyone keep asking me that? And no we don’t know we’ll let the councils decide what it is”
“You know Sheppard if you feel uptight about anything at all, you come see”
“What does he mean by that?”
“Is there any meaning for you sitting down next to me Garrus or are you just here to annoy me?”
“No, just asking if there’s anything you need, just ask”
“Well alright then, is there anything I can help you with?”
“Well if this isn’t too forward it would be nice to have another body in my bed tonight”
Another Conversation Appeared
“Oh god please say no, please say no, please say no,”
“I would be….. Delighted to”
“I fucking hate my life“




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