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Phosis's blog

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Phosis avatar 10:59 AM on 07.23.2014  (server time)

It's funny when you make an intentionally self-depricating nickname for yourself. Sometimes, you end up falling into the trap of it, and it is no longer ironic or funny.

Awhile ago now, I'm not really sure how long, I pulled a move I call "shitting on the floor and throwing myself out the window." I was very frustrated with life. And I let things get to me. I said some hurtful things to people I otherwise liked, and I won't make excuses for it past that. I was a very angry man.

Then life came and kicked me in the balls, real hard. And it humbled me and made me realize that certain things just don't really matter at all, they aren't a big deal. Because life is really very short; we don't have a lot of time here.

I was someone who spent a lot of my time armchair philosophizing about the world, and existence, and all the shit. And I found myself going down a very grim path. Nihilism, hatred, xenophobia. Not things that actually defined me, but a path that symbolized my general frustration and misunderstanding of the world around me.

Social justice started to irritate me. But so did the overt sexism and introversion that is synonymous in some ways with a pocket of the gaming community. I took a stance that was essentially "fuck it all". And I went on an attack directed towards both groups. It came from a real smug air of righteousness, a self-esteem driven egoism.

In short, it was a real confusing mess.

So I'm here today on behalf of my old username, TheManchild, to apologize.

As far as the community goes, this isn't an attempt to smooth over the bumps so I can return and carry on like nothing ever happened. And I no longer beat myself up over the things I do; I won't sit here feeling ashamed, because as someone who has dealt with depression his entire life, that is the exact sort of attitude that brings me down to begin with. But I am sorry, and it was wrong of me to behave the way I did. I shocked a couple of people, and soured their perceptions of me. I can't repair that, and have never personally had an open armed policy myself when I feel betrayed by someone. So I'm not expecting vindication. I don't even really know who is still around now since I don't visit the site much anymore. But it's here for those who are owed it.

These days I am writing for another gaming website. I actually have an editor now; pretty cool. Someone who can filter out the dumb shit I'm about to say before I actually say it. But the C-Blogs were my original stomping ground. I wrote a lot here, some good, lots bad. I learned a lot about the process, and about responding to criticism. Sometimes I responded very poorly. And sometimes I was far to quick to dish it out. But I can say it was definitely an experience!

I like you guys, is what I'm trying to say. I miss the comments, the blogs. Else, Bbain, Strider, Dixon, Occam, Phil, Shade, and a lot of others. Great people, and I hope you are all doing well!

Just wanted to check in and say a quick sorry. But more importantly, hello.

I hope life is treating you all very well.

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