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PhilKenSebben's blog

I Love: My Dick!
8:44 PM on 07.16.2014
A Peak Inside My Anus - Not Quite 10 Things About Philly
10:44 PM on 05.09.2014
Contest Time Bro - Steam Only
11:41 PM on 04.09.2014
And now a special message from PhilKenSebben.
2:08 PM on 12.25.2013
(NVGR) Update on my brother and the final push.
10:39 AM on 09.20.2013
Community Chat Roundup - STFU
1:51 AM on 09.07.2013

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PhilKenSebben's Profile - Destructoid


Meet the destructoid Team >>   PhilKenSebben
PhilKenSebben 's blog
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I am now almost 33 and I'm old. I hate you. I used to run The Low(er) Tier. We podcasted (and will again) and got into development. I enjoy nothing. My interests (besides games) are: reading, hiking, playing with my kids, yelling at old(er) people, collecting various virus samples, stalking Smurfee, thinking about working out, itching my bare butthole and seeing how long I can go, without smelling my finger and Batman. I love old school cars (Chevy), football (Packers & Niners) and of course: Vidya Gamze!

My favorite games as a wee lass were: SMB3, Gunstar Heroes, Commander Keen, Blake Stone, Doom/Quake, Excitebike, Anything from Sierra/Lucasarts and MK. Now days I'm a filthy game slut. I play it all, I love it all. Keen on TBS and Roguelikes though. The replayability makes my dick hard. I'm always down to game with anyone, so feel free to hit me up on whatever you see I'm on. I've been on Dtoid quite awhile now (almost 7 years) and have been involved in numerous off the radar things like contests, recaps and spreading my AIDS. You can find me lurking mainly in the forums now days, but I check for spam and spread my love here and there in cblogs and the fp. I love you sick bastards. In a sexy non-sexual way.

I'm also on that thar Tweetarr @MikeMcPhil. Feel free to hit me up, I'm always down to chat.

Player Profile
Xbox LIVE:PhilK3nS3bb3n
PSN ID:MickGuerrera
Steam ID:hillbillysk8
BattleNET:Never again
Mii code:Nope
Wii U code:Nah Uh
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8:44 PM on 07.16.2014

What can I say about my dick? He is an awesome ass dude. Standing at 7-7.5" (interest depending) he is a stout, somewhat short gentlemen. He clocks in at decent girth of almost 2 inches and wears (what I'm told) is a very beautiful helmet. His slight lilt upwards, reminds me of a flower trying to reach an out of the way shaft of sunlight and inspires me to write poetry while laying nude in a slip and slide covered in Jello pudding. While my dick is a great guy, he's not without his share of problems but overall our relationship is rock solid. A lot of people hate on the guy though. He has been banned from the Nickelodean Kid's Choice Awards, thrown out of a P.F. Chang's, condemned by Nelson Mandela and recently had a spat with Ariana Grande. Let's do a breakdown of why this little guy garners my love:

My dick is always there if I need him

This dude never leaves my side. Rainy days, hot days, bad days and good days he is always ready to hang out. He never gets mad when I reach out to him, no matter the time of day or night and always rises to the occasion at hand.

He is always down to ride

This fool is always ready to ride on bitches. There's been times where I've even been passed out and I wake to find him riding (I'll never forgive him for that sea manatee looking thing though, to be fair he had a lot of Jager and Adios' that night) or giving someone a mouth full. Sometimes we have a tug of war argument over who he wants to ride on, but compromise on both ends has kept our relationship in good standing.

My dick is always down to party

Doesn't matter if he rises first thing in the morning, or decides he wants to make his night swell after a long day. This dick knows how to get down (and right back up again). He can go all night as long as he gets 10-30 minute breaks here and there, but he is also down to be in and out in a jiff.

He's adaptable to the situation facing him

My dick is not one to complain under any circumstances. He's happy to have company, but he can fly solo. He doesn't mind being under someone's thumb, nor does he mind if someone puts their foot down on him. He doesn't mind being in tight situations, nor less formal, looser affairs. He is willing to change it up at the drop of a hat.

He isn't a racist or bigoted dick

There are still a lot of racial/gender/identity/etc. tensions in the world and I'm proud to say that my buddy in no way contributes to such problems. He is willing to work with all ages, sexes and colors. This guy embodies equality and then fucks it. 

He doesn't get scared easily

This may not seem like a big deal, but I have a problem with people who scare easily. I figure it's due to my job (I work with psychotics and mentally disabled folks who have violent tendencies) and the high turn over I deal with, due to people getting scared and not helping in violent situations or being scared to deal with certain patients. My dick? This mother fucker will dive into any situation, no matter how nasty it looks. He has a bad ass scar on his head and another on his body because he wasn't afraid to get in there and get the damn job done.

As you can see from the reasons above, this is one cool dick. I love the guy to death. I know  that on the whole, his good outweighs his bad, his heart throbs with awesome and he knows when to get hard on a mother. Couldn't ask for more. I love you my dick.

Welcome. Everyone seems to be hopping on this train and since I'm not one to be left out I thought I'd spread 'em and saddle up.

1: Cropdusting

I am a cropdusting son of a bitch. I do it to my employees/patients all the fucking time too. It provides a nice vulgar laugh to accentuate my days of stress and insanity. I know it's gross and immature, I'm about to be 33, yadda yadda, but fuck you. Life is too god damn serious and clean smelling anyway.

2: I am where I am at today because of you guys.

I will never forget it either. A year ago I was beyond down on my luck. Through a mixture of bad choices and bad luck, I was broke, jobless and fucked. I didn't know what else to do, swallowed every ounce of pride I had and reached out to Dtoid for help. I received it in spades too. To the point I felt guilty, disgusted and ashamed at my failure. The important thing though, is you guys got my kids and I by until I snagged another job. All my own personal bullshit aside, that still makes me tear up that people Ive never even met (except you Qal) helped my family out so much. I love you guys so much and can never thank you enough. Now I run an adult day program for the mentally ill/handicapped and just accepted a second job as an administrator for a group of care homes that deals with the same. What a difference some help/kind words and a year can make huh?

3: I believe in God and pray almost every night.

Not something I talk about usually so I think it would be the perfect thing to slap down here. Yeah, I believe in God and do actually pray for my friends and family every night. I was raised Catholic (horribly and abusively, you know... to round it all out I guess) and for awhile after my mom died (and stopped shoving that fucking book down my throat) I was an Atheist. I would actually go to churches just to argue with the priests/reverends/deacons/whoever about the existence of Jesus, God and if we could trust the bible or not. Around 25 I'd say, I was really low. Drugs, bad shit and family problems broke me. I found myself on my knees praying without thinking about it. It felt right. I asked the Lord back into my life but do not label myself Catholic, Christian, etc. I have and will never offer God as a solution to anyone's problems and prefer to keep these beliefs mostly to myself. So yeah, the vulgar, disgusting, raping baby joke cracking Phil you know and love is going to burn in hell for eternity. Fuck it.

4: I had an interruption in my sobriety a couple months ago.

Yeah, I was drinking again for a minute. I let personal shit get the best of me and hit the bottle hard for about a month. Still worked, took care of kids, etc. But when everything was done and everyone asleep (or gone in one case), I got fucking hammered. It started with a couple drinks I had a couple months before the relapse, reminded me how good it felt, I craved it, let it prey on my mind and then overtake me. Fucking weakness. I snapped myself out of it when I noticed I had killed a bottle of E&J in a couple hours alone. For a guy who went years without a drop that was quite the achievement and wake up call. But alas, I cant let myself do that at this time. Can't wait till I retire, get the kids out and can just get drunk until I stroke out.

5: I started jerking off to anime porn out of boredom recently.

Yeah, I don't even fucking know. Did I mention there is something wrong with me?

6: I can eat the same foods for every meal and not get bored for awhile.

I don't know if it's being from broke and making due or what, but a co-worker called me out on eating the same exact kind of sammich everyday for two weeks. I never really thought about it, but I am quite content eating the same thing for every meal, every day. I do it with lunch and breakfast constantly. Dinner is a different story since Im cooking for others, but if I was alone you can be damn sure it'd be taco night, every night.

7: Shit.... ummmmm......


Suppers brahs and brahettes. Been awhile since I ran a contest time and I'll be damned if this game didn't inspire me to run another. I'm of course talking about Broforce. This game has been giving more fun than a lot of purchases I've made the past year. I realize though that the $15 price tag turns some away as does the Early Access, but let me assure you, this is one of the best Early Access games I've ever played (I'm an indie whore, so I play a lot of them too, also wink wink at Door Kickers. Check it out as well).  

Just fucking look at that carnage. It's beautiful.

Look at those characters..... my white sausage is all a tingle just staring at 'em.

Oh Lordy, I'm at full mast now. Alright, before I make myself cum, I realize some of you may have questions such as "Phil, what is Broforce?" To those people I say shut the fuck up idiots. How do you not know? Occasionally I may also wish their mothers had aborted them, but I digress. Check out this trailer before I tell you how to win, just so we are all clear on what this awesome pile of game is.

Hold on, let me wipe the keyboard off.....

Alright, now how do you win this amazing masterpiece? Well maggots, I am giving away 3 copies of this beauty to those of you that impress me with either a picture of you dressed up as your favorite 80s/90s action icon along with a quote from said movie in caption form/A drawing of said icon (must be able to prove it's yours and also give it a quote caption) or the final option: A 1000 word essay on the your favorite movie from said eras that includes a list of your favorite 5 quotes from said film. Sound too hard? Well kiss my ass. I'm dropping $45 on you butts and for a single dad, that shit ain't nothing to scoff at.

Now, you have until 4/22/14 to make this happen and post it here. If you are going to write the essay, pm me for my email and send it to me that way.

Good luck fuckers and enjoy.

Merry Christmas you sacks of garbage. I love some of you, I hate most of you, but I'll fuck every God damn single one of you.

I hope you all have a great day, I'm grateful to know and interact with all you folks and I hope you are enjoying your Holiday or you at least have drugs.

Merry Christmas,


P.S. You're fired. Get out.

So thanks to you guys my brother and his family have made it this far. It hasn't been easy, but your kindness (and some help from myself/others) has carried him this far. The Indiegogo was a massive failure, but private donations have helped a lot. The Indiegogo has made $192 so far, but only $40 of that was made available, due to credit card payments (Indiegogo holds all credit card payments until the campaign is over). In the past two months through Dtoid and Twitter, we have made his family almost $1300. That has helped a lot. Between that and food closets and myself, we have somewhat kept food on his table and a bit of gas their vehicles to get the kids to school and such. My brother and I thank you so much everything. Dtoid is an amazing community and our family as well. Now let's get to the good, the bad and the ugly in this update.

The Good

My brother has found a lawyer to take his case. He will finally be able to go after these bastards that caused all this and hopefully make sure that they never pull this on anyone else. After a lot of searching and talking to different lawyers, he is confident that he found one that's not a scumbag and is willing to work mostly for free, until a settlement can be achieved. Also the lawyer isn't asking for a huge chunk of said settlement, which is nice, considering most wanted around 40-50% to take the case pro-bono or whatever the correct term is. Papers have been filed and things are moving ahead on that front.

Child support has finally found my brothers ex-wife and is going after her for all the years of child support she owes (around 20g's worth). She has been served and has a court date of Oct. 11th. This court date is to enforce payment and the sack of garbage has zero wiggle room to get out of it. She has a good job and makes about $4k a month. A week or two after the case, payments should start appearing and I can't even explain how much this will help out. An extra $600-$800 a month is a life changer at this point. To top that off, my brother's disability case is also getting closer, so that's two checks a month just over the horizon.

The last good thing is that they have received a lot of free furniture, toys and some clothes the past month as donations. The kids have some clothes now (not enough, but much better off), they have some toys to play with and the house has some decent furniture and doesn't look like a ghost town anymore. All in all the past month has been much brighter than we could have hoped for, despite the Indiegogo failing hard and not being able to draw attention to this whole thing. 80% is on you guys, once again, thank you so much, from the bottoms of both all our hearts.

The Bad

Now we move into not so happy news. Health wise, things are getting worse. My sister in law has been diagnosed Sarcoidosis. Sarcoidosis is an inflammation of the lung tissue and other organs, that basically never goes away from my understanding. It can also great growths on various organs, which causes more problems as I'm sure you can figure out. It is treatable, but not nice. They don't know what causes it, but after the toxic black mold exposure (I believe the reading in their bedroom was 24k units and the average presence is 300-400 units in most affected homes, just so you have an idea of how bad the exposure was) and the kids developing breathing issues..... yeah. The best part? The middle daughter is now showing all the symptoms and needs to go the doctor as well. Bloody hell. Moving on with the health issues, my brother has now been diagnosed with full blown asthma. He also requires an inhaler now, just like the children. Once again, all these people were healthy and great before the exposure, now they all have breathing issues (which can all be linked to the mold exposure). Shitty, horrible stuff all around on the medical front and continuing that trend, my brother was hospitalized two days ago. No one is sure what happened, but he woke up puking his guts out, then couldn't breath and then went into a series of small seizures that ended up with him spending the day in the hospital. Doctors aren't sure what caused it, but it could very well be related to lack of oxygen he is getting from his asthma, combined with all the meds he has to now take relating to that and the issues with his arms. It was scary shit and for a second my sister and I were scared we might lose him. Moving on from those nightmares...

The Indiegogo.... sigh. What a failure of a campaign. I take full responsibility for that. I have pushed and promoted as much as I could, but in the end I couldn't pull it off. So we are throwing the specialist out the window and are going to just let it peter out during this final push for help (I'll get to that in a minute). We are thankful for the few hundred dollars it's raised, but my brother can't even touch half of it and as I said, we are giving up on the specialist, it doesn't appear to be needed anyway. Everyone in that family now has documented problems all stemming from the exposure, the medical history shows that none of these conditions were present before the exposure and we feel since we can't pull the Indiegogo off, that will have to be enough. I will throw this out there though. It is really fucking frustrating to see people get 5g's to make a well in their backyard, get money for vacations, vagina's and other things, while I watch part of my family struggle, stress and starve. I'm not saying these people don't deserve what they have received at all, good for them and I wish them all the luck, just pisses me off that we couldn't get even half our goal with all the pushing. I hit up everyone and their mom and haven't relented on twitter, in email, in person and still nothing really, except from y'all. Extremely fucking frustrating.

The final bad thing is the one that's been present through all these blogs, money. It's the main reason this began. There is never enough food in the house for them, never enough gas in the car, no extra activities for the kids (I'm not talking trips to expensive stuff, I mean driving to the park, going somewhere free, getting 4 $1 ice cream cones, none of that stuff), barely scraping by every week. As I mentioned above, the middle daughter needs to go the doctor, well guess what? No money for that. Family needs to pick up scripts? No money. Out of peanut butter? You get the idea. It's a constant struggle week to week with just enough trickles to scrape by. Dtoid, you and I are the only ones making those scrapes happen. You have all been amazing and so helpful and generous, this isn't a rant about not getting money, it's just a fact of the situation. My peanut butter example? The doctor one? All are from the past two days. Not to mention, since my sister had to miss work to take my brother to the hospital, they are now over $400 behind on next months rent. My sister works her ass off, my brother holds the house down and is out looking for work (despite being disabled, I might add) and I am donating every spare cent I have to them and it's not enough. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.

The Ugly

The ugly is that I'm not here just to give you guys an update. I'm here for one final push. Once child support and disability start rolling in, things will dramatically improve in that house and that's only about a month away. Unfortunately a month is a long time when you have nothing and bills are mounting. That lawyer I mentioned? Well as I said, he will work mostly for free, but he is requiring an upfront retainer of $1100 and will deduct the rest out of any settlement reached. My niece needs to go the doctors again and part of the family needs to pick up medicine that medicare doesn't fully cover. More food is needed, as is gas to get my sister to work and the kids to school. Rent is short due to my sister having to miss work and other expenses that have come up (they picked up the kids medicine, but not their own and they needed to get shoes for the kids). I know I have bugged the shit out of all of you, but this the last push. I need to get my family through this last month, so here we are with a revised plan and goal. Let me lay out the expenses:

-Doctors visit and meds: $200
-Money towards rent: $400
-Lawyer fee: $1100
-Food for the month: $300
-Gas for the month: $200 (They both drive cheap old Lincolns that barely run and were given to them)

Total = $2200.00

If we can raise that in the next week or so, we can relieve a tremendous amount of stress off this families shoulders. It won't let them live in luxury, hell, it'll barely be good and probably won't be enough (We are talking a family of 6 with medical conditions, special food needs, etc.), but it will be breathing room from the constant empty cupboards and low gas lights. Not to mention the bills they are behind on, the ones that haven't hit yet and all that good stuff.

Phil, I'm broke/I've donated already/What can I do that doesn't involve money?

I know you guys have given your all, I know you have helped spread the word. Once again, so grateful for everything, every comment, every retweet, etc. I have so many handies to give out it's not even funny anymore, but we can do more. One last time. Spread this link, email it to friends, post it on Facebook/Twitter/MySpace/Vine/Whatever, post a little thing in the breakroom at work/school. I still believe if we can the right people to listen, we can do something for this family more than get them by, while they worry about next week. I am down on my knees, begging you guys. You don't need to donate anymore, just spread the word please. Spread it everywhere you can and for one last time, thank you all. I love you, my brother loves you. We are blessed to have you all in our lives. I will throw the links for paypal/Indiegogo below for ease of access.

Indiegogo takes 10% of whatever is donated and holds credit card payments until the end of the campaign.

PayPal offers in most cases immediate access to funds from anywhere in the world (with a small charge for credit or international). My brother's email (linked to his PayPal) is: charleebaby84@gmail.com

Also, if anyone wants to talk to me or my brother, ask for proof, see anything, get emailed pictures, etc. Anything at all, PM me or hit me up on Twitter (@MikeMcPhil). We will gladly answer any questions you have and provide anything you'd to see to show you that we are straight up with all of this. My brother is hesitant to post any important papers/the mold test, etc. due to this being a legal case, but he will gladly private message any of that stuff to you and I will be glad to help him with it. Why am I saying this? Because since I started this, I've had some folks express doubt, ask for it, ask why we weren't posting it and so on. So I want to make it clear that all you have to do is ask and we will provide. One other thing I want to address is hate. I've had some nasty pm's from a few different places (not on here though), since I started posting about this and spreading the word. If you want to talk shit, lay into me for posting this stuff or whatever reason you have, have the balls to do it in public. I am trying to help a family with 4 kids that I am related to. The only family I have, besides my own kids. If you can't understand that, then just keep your closed or as I said, do it in public. I will publish your messages from now on.

To everyone else, thank you again for everything.

Hello there folks. It's been awhile since the last community chat, so let's get another one going. This time the topic is: What do you want people to STFU most about right now? Why? What controversy of the week are you just fucking sick of? What problem with the industry is just fucking over and dead? What would you do to fix it? How would you stop it? If it doesn't need to be stopped or fixed and people are just being drama queens, tell us why. Elaborate, just don't leave a sentence and bounce. Leave a decent, thoughtful comment, send me a PM, an email (ask for it in a PM) and after the next month, I'll compile all the submissions I get, pick the best and put together a fancy, nice blog with them all. Once the blog is released, we can bug Andy to maybe get it front paged and have a real discussion/name calling fest in the comments!


It has come to my attention that some of you don't feel comfortable telling someone to STFU. In that case maybe you have a topic or something burning ya up and you'd like to give people some A.I.D.S. What is A.I.D.S Phil, you ask? Well friends, A.I.D.S. stands for:

Actively, Involved, Discussion, Session(s).

So if you aren't happy telling people to STFU, let's spread some A.I.D.S.